Distorted Reality???

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#1 Feb 20 - 9PM
Armed
Armed's picture

Distorted Reality???

I don't know why I constantly need to be reassured of his pathology. My list of traits, clues, incidents etc is super long. Why doesn't anyone see this freak for what he is? He's living it up, happy, and everyone seems to love him. Even the people who he's done wrong still seem to flock to him like he's God. Ugh! As much as I shouldn't care, I really want him to suffer for the things he has done. He doesn't deserve any praise or recognition. He is a fraud with a secret life!

I see these things and I think, is he really disordered? Maybe it's just me. Why do I continue to question myself? I find myself feeling even sicker thinking oh it's just me that he used and abused. Maybe he just chose to throw ME away.

This is a terrible night for me.

Feb 21 - 10AM
c_jennings
c_jennings's picture

Validation

I agree it is so infuriating and to try to explain the person they really are to others is incredibly difficult...you end up seeming crazy or bitter. How can the rest of them not see who he is or more accurately who he ISNT you wonder? The problem is that narcissists are unable to form deep emotional authentic relationships with anyone and the people surrrounding them are generally on a work or casual level and therefore do not think there is anything amiss. The are enamored by the "magical", funny, outgoing persona that they are ALLOWED to see. Just like we were at the beginning. My exN currently has girlfriend and they are constantly spouting how perfect they are for each other and i too wonder "wow was it just me?" but they live quite a distance apart which allows him to keep up his facade and retain her supply for the time being. She has no idea that at some point all the things he is claiming to like about her will eventually become the same things he resents. They are masters of manipulation and reinvention retelling the same story in new ways to suit the situation they are in and unless you have been there for the long haul you would not know they are not telling the truth. We who have been there in the trenches know the real story and though it is often difficult you have to believe your own truth. Just the other day my exN said to me "that is not how i remember that happening"...well of course not since it did not suit him or flatter him. Your exN is not with you because you caught onto him and realized he is not the person he presented himself to be. And you want more for yourself. You and all of us deserve more for ourselves. The truth is just because they have eventually discarded everyone that tried to get close or who caught on to them before you does not make it any easier for us. Their trail of damage is deep and wide and they will never feel the kind of pain their victims feel...they are simply not capable. Its not fair for sure and im sure most everyone here will agree that our lives would be better had we never met these men. But you cant reinvent history (despite the attempts made by the N to do so) and so we move forward armed with the knowledge we have learned about this disorder...we occasionally trip along the way, question ourselves, get mad, sad, however the good of all this is that it proves one thing for certain...WE ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!!!
Feb 21 - 9AM
Movingforwardnow
Movingforwardnow's picture

WOW!

Powerful post and comments. Needed to read this this morning. Thanks. Have nothing to add because they are all the same... So just DITTO to everyting!
Feb 21 - 8AM
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture

I can relate

My ex N called me a "wacko bitch" and has his family and friends believing it. It is so frustrating. I had been married for 15 years and I left my husband, and I still have a good relationship with my exhusband and his family. I always got along with people at work, ex N is the only person who ever accused me of being a wacko. When we were dating I wish he would have treated me like his family and friends. He would put on this sociable, nice front when they were around. Then when they would leave he would drop his mask and that's who I lived with. I still wish I could make his family and friends see him for what he truly is but I know I can't and I have gone No Contact with anybody involved with him because I know it will only bring pain. I know that he has them convinced I am some "wacko bitch" and the more I say I will just be digging my hole deeper. So I definitely understand you frustration!
Feb 21 - 6AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

A con is a con to his mark

His target, his pawn. Others do not NEED to see this, it is designed for his PREY. A vampire, vulture, or preditor seeks out those in which to feed; SUPPLY. He see's others and passes over them if they do not look like willing supply. He will be pleasant to them and play the ROLE of nice person; nice citizen, co worker, family member, to only the extent necessary to get what he wants and keep them quiet and away from his TRUE MOTIVE and REAL GAME which of course is securing NEW SUPPLY. This is WHY you see different fake personalities emerge. THEY do not need to see all of these personna's and THEY do not need to know or see what he is. THEY are not being targeted so what difference does it make to THEM. It does not; THEY do not need to see this; YOU DO. This directly effects YOU; not THEM. THEY will see IF and WHEN he lets them into his inner circle; his inner world, OR he screws up and get's caught which does happen with most of them at some point. Happens to the "best" of them: Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jessie James, the list goes on and on....... His day will come...... This is about YOU now, your recovery, your health, your survival. He will get his and YOU will not have to lift a finger. Cause and Effect. The Law of the Universe. What goes around; comes around. God bless, Goldie You will see it and get it when you are ready to get out and stay out; until then, most still make excuses for them and still seek validation in others to see what YOU ALREADY KNOW. Take YOUR power back and accept what YOU know. YOU DO NOT need "others" to see anything here. YOUR OPINION IS ENOUGH. YOU are ENOUGH. Your feelings, bounderies, and sense of what is right for YOU IS ENOUGH.
Feb 21 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
Fearless
Fearless's picture

Great way to start my day!

Thanks Goldie for all you do! This was the first post I chose to view and it was the exact post I needed to see today! Powered up and ready to get MY day started! -fefe

FeFe

Feb 21 - 3AM
Janakita
Janakita's picture

Hugs to you Armed

I commiserate with you Armed... I hope some of our Ns will trip up and become laughing stocks, anything to dent their "I am God" armor. I try to remind myself that no matter how successful they are at feeding off people and rising to the "top", nothing will ever be enough. Despite appearances, your ex will never experience lasting happiness- that requires empathy and self-love. If he were really SO happy about himself, he wouldn't need other people to repeatedly blow up his flat tire. He would recognize his own talents and would have more to give to than take from this world. Your ex, by definition of a N, is just continuing to fool people with his charm. Just like he fooled you. People are good-natured and trusting...that's natural, so many are fooled multiple times by manipulators and kept off-balance before they recognize that he's pulling the wool over their eyes. Others might have something to gain from him (hope they screw the jerk over in that case) or relationships that are too superficial to really make them vulnerable. You got a good peek at the real deal because you were close up and personal- and the fact that he abused you says enough about what kind of man he is, no matter what face he shows to the world. I'm happy that you see that he's defective at the core- you deserve someone who's good through and through, not a rotten apple.
Feb 21 - 12AM
Armed
Armed's picture

I did the same, tried to

I did the same, tried to contact others but guess who ended up looking foolish, me!
Feb 21 - 12AM
foreverfun1
foreverfun1's picture

they make us feel like we are

they make us feel like we are crazy so we start to question all of reality. their lying and subtle mindfucking take their toll and wear us down til we dont even know who we are or which way is up. i questioned my Ns diagnosis too and wanted to think it was just me that was off becuz i saw he did have some girls as friends but this was just my mind trying to trick me into going back to him cuz my mind liked the high i got when he was nice or just being near him. i was a junkie and he was an incredibly powerful drug for a long time, so i'd find ways to blame myself so i could go back to him and not believe the facts. my mind just knew it wanted the high of him and didnt care how horrible id feel the next day when he wouldnt contact me
Feb 21 - 12AM (Reply to #15)
Armed
Armed's picture

Yes indeed. I'm getting to

Yes indeed. I'm getting to the point of recovery I have passed acceptance. I just question myself sometimes because it seems like I'm the only person who sees this bastard for what he really is.
Feb 21 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
foreverfun1
foreverfun1's picture

yeah thats strange but he

yeah thats strange but he just keeps his fake persona on for them, thats why they dont know, if they spend enough time with him his facade will crack and they will see satan.i emailed a bunch of women who he was cheating on me with, to tell them who he really is but they wont beleive til the mask comes off
Feb 20 - 11PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

One day you'll think: WHO CARES!

I haven't been on here in quite sometime. I have been stress and Narc free for a long time. I suffered so much and so long thinking the same thoughts you are. One day you will be at the point of WHO CARES! Who really care who or what he is?! He's a big, fat loser and you're over it. Know that you WILL be at that point. For me it began with hours of not thinking of him, then days, then weeks. I have to deal with the old exH Narc but it's out of sight out of mind and it's WONDERFUL!! This will get better! You are walking the road to health. My life is amazing now. I wish I would have, could have known when I was feeling so bad for so long after the destruction that Narc had on my life. I'm dating, I'm happy, I'm doing so many things I never thought could be possible. You will come out the other end a better person. And who care what he is? Focus on you. Hope that helps.
Feb 20 - 9PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Its amazing, the uncanny

Its amazing, the uncanny ability they have to attract people to them, to convince them that they are the best thing since sliced bread. But in the end, honestly, think about it. They are fooling themselves more than anyone else. You see him for what he is. Doesn't really matter if anyone else does. What you know in your heart is all that truly matters in order to heal. Never doubt yourself.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Armed
Armed's picture

Thanks, it's just so hard.

Thanks, it's just so hard. This is evil, but I wish he'd get hit by a bus.
Feb 21 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
Ndance
Ndance's picture

Yep.

I can't help it. I'm usually a very empathetic/sympathetic person but he is the one person that I do not wish happiness for because he doesn't deserve it.
Feb 20 - 9PM
nadine31
nadine31's picture

Me too

Armed - I am the same. For some reason, even though my psychologist is 100 % certain he has this personality disorder - I keep looking for verification. Online, in books, on forums, talking to people that know him ... it's almost like I'm convinced for little while, but then I doubt again. Why do we do this? Is it because we're scared it was because we were inadequate in some way? My whole relationship with the N was a sham. I was the public GF and he had a secret life of continuous one night stands as well as an affair with his ex. Yet he was asexual with me from the start. Maybe part of me fears that I am defective in some way (which he insinuated) and that's why this all happened. That I drove him to it, and not his disorder...
Feb 21 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
kartaga
kartaga's picture

its typical for his disorder

its typical for his disorder to have madonna/whore complex. you were his madonna. a "public, pure" figure. all the rest were his "secretive, dirty" whores. typical.
Feb 20 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
SundaySmile
SundaySmile's picture

key last sentence

deliberately keeping a person off balance is the MO for draining them of the supply needed to feed the insatiable ego. You MADE ME do it. All women are psycho. All women are nuts. Crazy women are attracted to me. I have had so many women stalkers (BIG tip off). I hit you because you _ _ _ _FILL IN BLANKS _ _ _ _ . Billed for something before you knew the truth. Designed to put you off balance and distrust instinct. So you believe you are defective. That you drove them to bad behavior and he is "clueless" as to why you are bananas. he sees nothing wrong with well spun words and conflicting behavior. Opportunity knocks and this is his mode of operation to gain what he wants. What do you want? Peace? Recovery? Verification that one of you is insane? Are you wanting him to be insane or do you want to be the one labeled "crazy"? Would you offer to take the blame if you had that answer? Does blame matter now? Or have you had enough yet? As fascinating as the disorder is capable of being - it can be a pathological time suck to ask why after a certain point. In being involved with a narcotics addict once upon a time - I learned that in asking why an addict does X Y or Z...the answer is often " because that's what addicts do." True. Therapists seek to understand such disorders. To heal those who have been left to STARVE in the rubble. I am not interested in finishing his story but I am ready to begin mine. Again. Because that's what I do. from here on out.
Feb 21 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
Armed
Armed's picture

Thank you. You wrote what I

Thank you. You wrote what I needed to read.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Armed
Armed's picture

Nadine31

Oh my goodness! It was the exact same way with my ex N. his ex still continued to deal with him even after finding out about me. Doesn't help that his mom drilled the fact that he never was disrespectful and abusive towards his ex. Then, his brother told me that he never loved me, lied, cheated, and intended to cheat on me since the day we met. So, I think, what did this other woman have over me? He said she was nothing and wasn't still in love with her yet his actions spoke otherwise. I shouldn't care what his mom said when he repeatedly expressed his feelings of contempt and disrespect toward her. Yet, everyone still supports him, praises him, and kisses his ass. He deserves the worst treatment one could receive from life. He's awful.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
nadine31
nadine31's picture

Yeah, the thought he gets to

Yeah, the thought he gets to just carry on his empty shell of a manipulative life absolutely eats me up inside. Similar situation: my N said he had never cheated on any other girl to that extreme. Only me. It broke me to hear that. My friends tell me not to believe it but part of me does. How long were you with him? Private message me if you need a buddy who gets it; I know I do :)
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Armed
Armed's picture

5 months

5 months
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Armed
Armed's picture

Doesn't help that he's

Doesn't help that he's attractive. Ugh!
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
nadine31
nadine31's picture

Ha, tell me about it. I HATE

Ha, tell me about it. I HATE that mine attracts women so easily, and is so handsome (even though it pains me to say that)>