...........................Distance...................
...........................Distance...................
Hi everyone.
I took some time to distance myself from EX for a bit. I left town last friday and felt like I was sneaking out of town from him.
I made the mistake of letting him get close to me and paid the price becoming unbalanced, doubtful and back tracking my decision to end our relationship. I think my hormones and love had a great deal to do with feeling so influenced by him. I was all mixed up.
All moved into my new place is lonely and it was easy to leave. not sure where I belong right now when it used to be with him and by his side. Still finding my place.
Had a nice time with my sister and had a heart to heart.
I confessed my thoughts and had **lots of wine. My phone stayed off and it was like a mini mental vacay.
She told me that if I accepted this behavior now in my life in relationships I wouldn't have better because this is where I drew the line of what was acceptable. If I didn't follow through on leaving him for good I would not experience someone that could and would cherish me. She said I didn't have to bother to forgive him so damn quickly (bs crap she says is used to make the abuser feel better!) or learn to trust him again because he already did the damage emotionally to me and dumped his garbage on me for a sexual need. We talked a long time, I cried and know I have to give him up.
Then I had a great sunday and felt more positive after a long swim and great food. Began to feel At ease and okay with the pain of letting him go and the imperfection of break ups.
I had very great leasson on NC and realized although so hard in the start soon it will offer peace and quiet so I could think and just be.
I noticed he had not once respected anything I said. He not once respected asking him for Time and Space. I had not gone even 2 weeks without him butting in - parking in my lot, or some how appearing without my consent.
I saw how little he respects me in his quest to prove his love, he only proves to me further how selfish he is.
The thoughts of going to therapy with him are all selfish things wrapped up in 'all about him'. How can I make him happy? how can I please him ? how can we get back to that place we once had ?
We can't we won't
I can't I won't
I am not willing to put in the work for the sake of love.
Love is not enough.
*
so I head home and find taped to my door, another Hallmark card. I decided that Monday morning I would turn on my phone. I decided I would not open the card and threw it away in the garbage. Just like last time, I knew what he wrote already.
So monday I had 4 voice mails. Where was I ? he was at the apartment waiting ..another voice mail..now turning mean again...saying I must be out on a date? --sarcastic ass-- and then even later that same night voice mail cussing where was I? it was as if, we had plans and I stood him up! just sharing a moment with him lead him on -my mistake for being weak. But just that was enough that he was planning on putting on the full press - my gut knew and that's why I left town.
I don't know why it didn't occur to him that I would be at my sisters, but it slipped his paranoid mind I guess.
Tuesday I came home from work and his car was no where to be seen. I went up to the apt and he was sitting on the steps. He even said he hid his car. Cocky when I was surprised. 'Yeah I can hide my car too'. So I sat down with my groceries and mail and asked him why he was here?
He was a mess, sweating half mad half uncertain how to approach me. Looked like he had been there awhile. I gave him nothing but indifference. I didn't want him to think he could affect me.
I put up my wall, sat next to him and he asked
where were you? I waited for hours. were you going out with someone else? who were you with? why don't you turn on your phone? he tries everything he can and I won't let him talk to me! Your just teasing me. You know how much I want you. Where did you go?
(Again I can't believe he said that)
I told him that HE DIDN'T NEED TO know---- anymore---- to which he was incredulous and balked at my statement . I asked him 'WHEN will you respect what I have asked of You?"
He yelled at me blowing his words at my face
I don't NEED TO FUCKING know? WHAT THE FUCK does that mean?!
I told him that breaking up meant you don't 'keep up' with the other person anymore and the MOST he could expect from me now on is to hide his car and catch me on the steps. Because he's not invited inside and he has no right any longer to any info on my life.
He said Damn you really don't want to tell me who you were with do you?
I told him he was completely off base and over reaching and rolled my eyes at him and mocked his exact tone of voice right back at him. Mimicked him.
He was speechless. I watched him as my words sank in and his eyes searched mine. I gave him indifference and started sorting my mail, got up and told him I had to make dinner and walked inside.
Two minutes later, he knocked. I opened the door and he was just shaking tearful and a mess of emotions. I could tell he was struggling to keep it together. He said 'please invite me in!!" I told him this was it.
Right Now. this is it. I am sorry it hurts you. No more dragging out this pain. We hugged at the door he hugged me so tightly and he cried in to my neck and just grabbed me so tight. I cried too and then realized we were both standing in the door way crying and I didn't want my neighbors to see. So I said good bye.
And shut the door.
*
And I spent hours crying not because he's sweet or I think different just because it makes me so sad. This was our relationship and it had to end in a really bad way that is painful for both of us. Narc or not asshole or not. It was for me to choose and decided if he was good enough for me and worthy or me. And I grieve that he is not.
***
thank u everyone for being there for me and taking the time to give me all your support.
the pain of heart break is like no other and sometimes there just is no reason or understanding of loss of love
and how we cope.
You are a srtong smart girl and off topic a bit
Crocodile Tears
Very real
"he didn't value it enough he
Bada
He sounds like mine
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache
TM
King kong
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache
Trauma
Trauma
Bada
it has all clicked
I dont post too much anymore
ok
bada
oh thank u !