...........................Distance...................

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#1 Jun 29 - 8PM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

...........................Distance...................

Hi everyone.

I took some time to distance myself from EX for a bit. I left town last friday and felt like I was sneaking out of town from him.

I made the mistake of letting him get close to me and paid the price becoming unbalanced, doubtful and back tracking my decision to end our relationship. I think my hormones and love had a great deal to do with feeling so influenced by him. I was all mixed up.

All moved into my new place is lonely and it was easy to leave. not sure where I belong right now when it used to be with him and by his side. Still finding my place.

Had a nice time with my sister and had a heart to heart.

I confessed my thoughts and had **lots of wine. My phone stayed off and it was like a mini mental vacay.

She told me that if I accepted this behavior now in my life in relationships I wouldn't have better because this is where I drew the line of what was acceptable. If I didn't follow through on leaving him for good I would not experience someone that could and would cherish me. She said I didn't have to bother to forgive him so damn quickly (bs crap she says is used to make the abuser feel better!) or learn to trust him again because he already did the damage emotionally to me and dumped his garbage on me for a sexual need. We talked a long time, I cried and know I have to give him up.

Then I had a great sunday and felt more positive after a long swim and great food. Began to feel At ease and okay with the pain of letting him go and the imperfection of break ups.

I had very great leasson on NC and realized although so hard in the start soon it will offer peace and quiet so I could think and just be.

I noticed he had not once respected anything I said. He not once respected asking him for Time and Space. I had not gone even 2 weeks without him butting in - parking in my lot, or some how appearing without my consent.

I saw how little he respects me in his quest to prove his love, he only proves to me further how selfish he is.

The thoughts of going to therapy with him are all selfish things wrapped up in 'all about him'. How can I make him happy? how can I please him ? how can we get back to that place we once had ?

We can't we won't

I can't I won't

I am not willing to put in the work for the sake of love.

Love is not enough.

*

so I head home and find taped to my door, another Hallmark card. I decided that Monday morning I would turn on my phone. I decided I would not open the card and threw it away in the garbage. Just like last time, I knew what he wrote already.

So monday I had 4 voice mails. Where was I ? he was at the apartment waiting ..another voice mail..now turning mean again...saying I must be out on a date? --sarcastic ass-- and then even later that same night voice mail cussing where was I? it was as if, we had plans and I stood him up! just sharing a moment with him lead him on -my mistake for being weak. But just that was enough that he was planning on putting on the full press - my gut knew and that's why I left town.

I don't know why it didn't occur to him that I would be at my sisters, but it slipped his paranoid mind I guess.

Tuesday I came home from work and his car was no where to be seen. I went up to the apt and he was sitting on the steps. He even said he hid his car. Cocky when I was surprised. 'Yeah I can hide my car too'. So I sat down with my groceries and mail and asked him why he was here?

He was a mess, sweating half mad half uncertain how to approach me. Looked like he had been there awhile. I gave him nothing but indifference. I didn't want him to think he could affect me.

I put up my wall, sat next to him and he asked

where were you? I waited for hours. were you going out with someone else? who were you with? why don't you turn on your phone? he tries everything he can and I won't let him talk to me! Your just teasing me. You know how much I want you. Where did you go?

(Again I can't believe he said that)

I told him that HE DIDN'T NEED TO know---- anymore---- to which he was incredulous and balked at my statement . I asked him 'WHEN will you respect what I have asked of You?"

He yelled at me blowing his words at my face
I don't NEED TO FUCKING know? WHAT THE FUCK does that mean?!

I told him that breaking up meant you don't 'keep up' with the other person anymore and the MOST he could expect from me now on is to hide his car and catch me on the steps. Because he's not invited inside and he has no right any longer to any info on my life.

He said Damn you really don't want to tell me who you were with do you?

I told him he was completely off base and over reaching and rolled my eyes at him and mocked his exact tone of voice right back at him. Mimicked him.

He was speechless. I watched him as my words sank in and his eyes searched mine. I gave him indifference and started sorting my mail, got up and told him I had to make dinner and walked inside.

Two minutes later, he knocked. I opened the door and he was just shaking tearful and a mess of emotions. I could tell he was struggling to keep it together. He said 'please invite me in!!" I told him this was it.

Right Now. this is it. I am sorry it hurts you. No more dragging out this pain. We hugged at the door he hugged me so tightly and he cried in to my neck and just grabbed me so tight. I cried too and then realized we were both standing in the door way crying and I didn't want my neighbors to see. So I said good bye.

And shut the door.
*

And I spent hours crying not because he's sweet or I think different just because it makes me so sad. This was our relationship and it had to end in a really bad way that is painful for both of us. Narc or not asshole or not. It was for me to choose and decided if he was good enough for me and worthy or me. And I grieve that he is not.

***
thank u everyone for being there for me and taking the time to give me all your support.

the pain of heart break is like no other and sometimes there just is no reason or understanding of loss of love
and how we cope.

Jul 1 - 6PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

You are a srtong smart girl and off topic a bit

Bada bing. That scene at the door sounds rough rough rough. I do think your Narc cares for you (as much as a N can) but is just too young, immature and screwed up to be a partner to you. He is crying for his loss of you, and his frustration that he cannot fix it - rather than crying for hurting you. I admire you for surviving his meltdown. It is so hard to accept that they are not wired to consider our feelings...chilling... I always knew there was something wrong with my N, but never knew it was this. I really used to watch his brain struggle with normal relationship things...I wanted to accept him as flawed and would have had he not totally devastated me with his unreal behavior... As far as our part - I know I do have a part - I kind of liked that the relationship was not as tight as most, I thought it would protect me from getting hurt (not). I know I must have commitment problems too, to have tolerated years of this. One time he opened up to me like a vulnerable baby snuggling up to me and instead of being happy for the breakthrough I was repulsed - like "do I really want this love? ". I think I was addicted to the cycle of him pushing me away which made me desperately want to be with him...I do actually enjoy his company but not sure if I could take the total lack of empathy, insight and intellectual stimulation when I retire. I am still a busy professional so I liked his calm laid back ways to comfort me and be a stress antidote - maybe I was using him too? but I think I really still love him, even though he is dangerous and unpredictable, but sweet, like a wild animal. Horrible to see them as less than human - they are human but a very different variation of the theme... I feel we all have survived something really really other worldly. None of my friends have ever been through this...Mine has gone silent again. I still text him as if he cares... that is what happened after I saw him 11 months later - denial came back and I AM PRETENDING he is a friend...he sends 3 word texts once in awhile - that's it for him
Jun 30 - 6AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Crocodile Tears

Seems like these guys know how to drum up the fake tears. I'm glad you can see it for what it is and him for what he is -- BAD NEWS! I knew that getting away and being with your sister would do you good. :) So glad you went and got the clarity you needed! We all need to get away from the shit-storm sometimes. Stay strong -- we're all so proud of you! {{hugs}}
Jun 30 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Very real

He was biting his lip alot trying not to break down he was losing his control and he was out of options it was a sad sad view of him standing there but I can't comfort him or love him and our relationship back to the what we had, the good we had in our relationship is now only a memory I will not go back and try to recreate that magic again he didn't value it enough he didn't protect our relationship and he lost me for good thank you for your well wishes
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

"he didn't value it enough he

"he didn't value it enough he didn't protect our relationship and he lost me for good" Very well said! That's exactly what happened -- HE didn't value or protect your relationship and HE lost you for good. We can ALL say that!!!!
Jun 30 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Bada

Hi, I was wondering myself where you went! Wow, can I borrow your sister? He is a bad man, I doubt this co worker escapade was his first lie. I'm sure he has put you thru the ringer. You are strong and doing the right thing. Taking him back would equal the same past abuse. I took mine back, he cried and apologized for hurting me, more lies and manipulation, accepting his apologies resulted in more hurt and trauma for me. It's best both of you move on, and you're right, he should respect your space at the moment, but he can't. You are on to him. Be strong you a heading to a better place! Hunter
Jun 30 - 3AM
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

He sounds like mine

But without so much of the Hallmarky stuff or calling. It did NOT sink in his head that we broke up. He still thought we were dating when I met him out. He got an email of mine (the only way I knew for sure he would get the message as his txts and phone calls often went unsanswered) to tell him our relationship had reached an "unrecoverable" point for me. He got the email, admitted it when we were out and stated he "preferred to not think about it". The next day, I got the longest email I EVER got from him ever. I'll share. He kept me up for 20 hrs. Insulted me and my long emails. And told me to get some sleep when he in fact was the one who kept me out. Here is his: Donna: Thanks, I had fun last night.... It was good to see you... Just a couple things.... You looked great but that was the most tired I've ever, ever seen you... Please get some rest ( I say this lovingly, I know you told me). You need to take care of yourself.... We can see my room on Friday, after Golf if you'd like... Maybe we can have dinner too... I thought about it and I think I should meet you at the range over there in Avon and we could go to that little pub we went to the other night... Just my idea... Would give you more time to rest and be ready for Saturday... You should never jump to conclusions when you don't have all the facts... The little cute note you wrote me was removed from my dashboard by Brian when he took the dash apart to replace the steering column. I asked him about it afterward but he didn't know where he'd thrown it or if it had blown away. I was very dissappointed. Please, please, please, don't write me long emails like the last two or three you sent. They're more a collection of rambling, disjointed non-sequitors than reasonable questions or information. You make a statement and then answer it in the next sentence. If you already know the answer, what's the point? If you have to send something to me in writing, keep it to one topic at a time, please... I'm a simple guy and don't need alot of complications or emotional baggage at this point in my life. You give up to easily. People need time to heel, time to think, time to love. Relax, enjoy and most of all, have faith... Please don't write me back on any of this, I truly prefer we talk. I only did this to try and give you some type of response... Hugs, Brian Here is my reply: I'll keep this succinct for you. Message was recieved loud and clear that I have too much time at work. Degrading at best. You told me no less than half a dozen times how tired I looked yet still wanted to see a movie knowing how tired I was. I had another 20 hr day. For a few minutes, I thought it might be registering with you that I really didn't want to have a late night. It didn't. You kept on about seeing a movie and I let you talk me into something I had no energy for. And I let you. I had a car, I should have excused myself and went home. My dad saw me today. He said that swing shifts are hard. He knows how hard I work, what I pay, what I am doing for my school. I told him I was out late, I was tired and I didn't think you really understand my schedule, hours or lack of sleep. My 11 days straight (twice this month) My dad said...."He should be able to put himself in your shoes and see what it is like through your eyes" I got misty on that one. I mean, everyone sees it. My doctor, my friends, my dad......Everyone but you, Brian. I've burned the candle at both ends for you. 20 hr days, 26 hr days...... I can't anymore. I've never been asked to do what you have asked of me in all my years and these past 8 wks have wiped me out. I don't give up easily. You don't really know me. I have to do what is good for me. You just need to find someone who has a normal schedule and life. I am not that person. I will never be. I do know who I am, who I am not, and I do love myself. I am blessed with friends and family who love me and tell me so repeatedly and often...when I need to hear it..... I couldn't ask for more and I return it to them. I am still very much that Grateful woman you said I was 8 wks ago. Sid is going to be my partner for the golf outting. I won't be meeting you tommorrow. I will need to get your hat back to you....I can meet you on Monday perhaps. (and I need my unmentionables back) Take care, Donna He STILL didn't get it after that. I had to return a bag of his. I did not have it in me to golf with him and found a replacement. I think he was shocked that I bowed him out of it. He definitely gets it now. It's like you have to cut them to core to get them to GET IT.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jun 30 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

TM

Thank u for sharing this email The EX writes similarly in that I have felt at time I was being admonished and told 'i love you' at the same time The N's are just so smart in their own head but often so blind by paranoia and so self involved they don't notice what is reality for us I find your post very interesting because he was obviously draining you and not nurturing at all he is cold in his email although there are nice words it felt cold to read it You are a expressive and intelligent woman who no doubt found the right place to share this -here - with this forum thank u for letting me read this He and I shared a moment something that really means nothing it was a bit of passion he was going to run with that moment and put me through the entire courting ritual over again I know it I felt it and ran from town I felt like I was hiding from him more than a few times, while driving hoping I don't see him. At first I was literally afraid to see him, he felt to me a bit like King Kong and he could just grab me up in his big hand I had no control to say no my love for him made me so vulnerable and weak NC brought me time to myself which in turn brings on so much pain and grief and crying the feelings we suppress because they don't feel good once purged and the crying stops I began to comfort myself and love my self enough to see and listen to those that really love me and what they saw about him how did I loose my judgement with him? not sure but I am certainly gaining my own footing standing firm within my own security of strength because I stand behind my decision and he has yet to 'get that' part of my experience take care Trauma Momma!
Jun 30 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

King kong

I do often feel like I will be hiding from him. He sends out an energy of which I just don't want to be around. Every conversation was draining. Toxic. Exhausting. I was not heard nor respected. I know I feel physcially ill just thinking about being around the Narc. I too, feel stronger as each day goes by that I am away from him. It has been two weeks. And since he has been gone, more and more people are making sure that I am not alone. The universe has a way of looking out for us. My N had money. ALOT. And he used to bring it up alot especially when we were circling the drain, about how much his company was worth, his 250g quarterly profit sharing check, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Money may be an aphrodisiac for some women. Not for me. Show ME the love, baby. I really think that is what befuddled him the most. He realy thought that is what would keep me. I got it thrown up in my face all the time what a great guy he was for the dinners, out of town things, the club seats, etc that he got for us. I never asked for any of it. I am a dive bar, whiskey drinking, mule riding (friends have mules I trail ride) paintball playing down to earth woman. Thanks Bada....I didn't realize until you said, but he was saying I love you while ripping me up at the same time. Every day I come home alone, I breathe a sigh of relief. :)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jun 30 - 6AM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Trauma

One thing is right, writing a lengthy E Mail to this ass aft is a wast of time. Especially if you have so little to spare! Put the hat in the trash along with him. Monday will come and go! Hunter
Jun 30 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Trauma

One thing is right, writing a lengthy E Mail to this ass aft is a wast of time. Especially if you have so little to spare! Put the hat in the trash along with him. Monday will come and go! Hunter
Jun 29 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bada

I have chills, the measured calm tone in what is such an emotional experience...I don't know if measured is the right word, but this all just flowed and I can see this has all clicked for you but the way you wrote the account just blew me away!! Welcome to the other side! Hugs!
Jun 30 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

it has all clicked

I am still going to be sad but it has really clicked now. This isn't about love anymore and I needed to find my own clarity about that. this is an awesome forum!
Jun 29 - 9PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I dont post too much anymore

I dont post too much anymore but I have followed your story a bit. All I can say is you are one strong woman. You will recover from this in no time. I am sure it has taken every ounce of strength to turn away from him. You have done the right thing. You have done the hard thing. Many of us would have taken the easy road just to get a fix (myself included). Prepare yourself for the days when he doesnt come around anymore for that will cause you some pain eventhough he is driving you nuts right now. I think once he does move on you will probably feel down for a bit. Just prepare yourself from that. It hurts terribly now but you have spared yourself a life time of hurt. Wow good for you.
Jun 30 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

ok

I accept it's a process but I am more prepared to let him go than he is he has been putting off accepting this I know it I feel it I have learned my gut is always right - always I want to turn the awful grief into something really wonderful and powerful for ME to move on and be a better lover and friend because I did the hard work and wanted better I envision a better man for myself than him
Jun 29 - 9PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

bada

Hi there so wonderful to hear you are on your path foward your sis is very special and so are you.. be blessed K
Jun 30 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

oh thank u !

I am so grateful to be feeling better and more grounded again!