The Disordered one's cycles of abuse

Thought this might be helpful reading as far as the cycling goes... From Sam Vaknin: Question: I know a narcissist intimately. Sometimes he is hyperactive, full of ideas, optimism, and plans. At other times, he is somnolent, almost zombie-like. Answer: You are witnessing the narcissistic signal-stimulus-hibernation mini-cycle. Narcissists go through long euphoric and dysphoric cycles. These cycles are dilated, all-encompassing, all-pervasive, and all-consuming. They are different from manic-depressive cycles (in the bipolar disorder) in that they are reactive, caused by easily identifiable external events or circumstances. For instance: the narcissist reacts with dysphoria and anhedonia when he loses his Pathological Narcissistic Space, or to major life crises (financial problems, divorce, imprisonment, loss of social status and peer appreciation, death in the family, crippling illness, etc.). But the narcissist also goes through much shorter and much weaker cycles. He experiences brief periods of mania. Then he can be entertaining, charming, and charismatic. Then he is "full of ideas and plans", attractive and leader-like. In the manic phase, he is restless (often insomniac), full of pent up energy, explosive, dramatic, creative, an excellent performer and manager. Suddenly, and often for no apparent reason, he becomes subdued, depressed, devoid of energy, pessimistic, and "zombie-like". He oversleeps, his eating patterns change, he is slow and pays no attention to his external appearance or to the impression that he leaves on others. The contrast is very sharp and striking. While in the manic phase, the narcissist is talkative and gregarious. In the depressive phase he is passively-aggressively silent and schizoid. He vacillates between being imaginative and being dull, being social and being asocial or even antisocial, being obsessed with time management and achievement and lying in bed for hours, being a leader and being led. These mini-cycles, though outwardly manic-depressive (or cyclothymic) are not. They are the result of subtle fluctuations in the volatile flow of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist is addicted to Narcissistic Supply: admiration, adoration, approval, and other forms of attention. All his activities, thoughts, plans, aspirations, inspiration, and daydreams – in short, all the aspects of his life – are dedicated to regulating the flow of such supply and to rendering it relatively stable and predictable. The narcissist even resorts to Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources (a spouse, his colleagues, or his business – SNSSs) in order to "accumulate" a reserve of past Narcissistic Supply for times of short supply. The SNSSs do this by witnessing the narcissist's accomplishments and moments of grandeur and recounting what they saw when he is down and low. Thus, the SNSSs smooth and regulate the vicissitudes of the supply emanating from the Primary Narcissistic Supply Sources (PNSSs). But the very process of obtaining and securing Narcissistic Supply, in the first place, is complex and multi-phased. First there is a depressive phase. To obtain Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist has to toil. He has to work hard to create Sources of Supply (PNSSs, SNSSs) and to maintain them. These are demanding tasks. They are often very tiring. Exhaustion plays a major role in the mini-cycles. His energy depleted, his creativity at an end, his resources stretched to the maximum, the narcissist reposes, "plays dead", withdraws from life. This is the phase of Narcissistic Hibernation. The narcissist invariably goes into Narcissistic Hibernation before the emission of a Narcissistic Signal [see below]. He does so in order to gather the energies that he knows are going to be needed in the later phases. During his hibernation, he surveys the terrain, in an effort to determine the richest and most rewarding sources, veins and venues of Narcissistic Supply. He contemplates the possible content of various signals, in order to ensure that the most effective one is emitted. Building up his energy reserves during the hibernation phase is crucial. The narcissist knows that even the manic phase of the mini-cycle, following the receipt of the Narcissistic Stimulus [see below] is taxing and laborious. Having thus reposed, the narcissist is ready to proceed. He jump starts the cycle by emitting a Narcissistic Signal. It is a message – written, verbal, or behavioural – intended to foster the generation of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist may send letters to magazines, offering to write for them (for free, if need be). He may dress, behave, or make statements intended to elicit admiration or opprobrium (in short, attention). He may consistently and continuously describe himself in glamorous and flattering terms (or, conversely, fish for compliments by berating himself and his achievements). Anything goes in order to become well known and to impress people. Narcissistic Signals are automatically triggered and emitted whenever an important element changes in a narcissist's life: his workplace, his domicile, his position, or his spouse. They are intended to re-establish the equilibrium between the uncertainty which inevitably follows such changes and the narcissist's inner turmoil which is the result of the disruption of the patterns and flows of Narcissistic Supply caused by said shifts. Ideally, the Narcissistic Signal elicits a Narcissistic Stimulus. This is a positive sign or response from the recipients of the signal indicating their willingness to swallow the narcissist's bait and to provide him with Narcissistic Supply. Such a stimulus brings the narcissist back to life. It energizes him. Once more, he becomes a fountain of ideas, plans, visions and dreams. The Narcissistic Stimulus pushes the narcissist into the manic phase of the mini-cycle. Thus, caught between mini-cycles of mania and depression, and bigger cycles of euphoria and dysphoria the narcissist leads his tumultuous life. It is no wonder that he gradually evolves into a paranoid. It is easy to feel persecuted and at the mercy of forces mysterious, capricious and powerful when this, indeed, is the case.

Mine has the same timeline in every relationship: The idealization phase lasts 18 mths to 2 years. Then, the subtle, covert cut down comments start, always between Thanksgiving and Christmas. all of her D&D's, of every realtionship, ended right around Christmas and she begins a new relationship. She will have been with the new supply for 1 year this holiday season. I figure the new supply has one more year until she "see's" the light or a better term, the darkness ! I guess her boredom gets worse in the cold months. That is usually when you spend more intimate time with partners,family and friends. The one thing she does not like or want. I swear she has a script either on paper or engrained in her head. The timeline, actions and words are exact in all of her relationships.

7 months....that is the amount of time from one encounter period to another (period 3 just ended). I figure in that time he has pursued and acquired a new source of supply and has secured her. When he feels that she is firmly with him, then he reaches out to me because he likes having someone/someones on the side to act out his fantasies of power on.

I can confirm this cycle idea. I met him, and we= I fell in love. After 5 months, I have figured he cheated on me. I think he wanted me to find out. So that my brainwash could really start. After 5 months he made the first obvious move for a new OW. But he tried to hide it. So that was the time, when he started gaslighting. After that, the cycle began to speed up and D&D started. After that it was only 2 months, 1 months and he made another big drama- and after we had a cooling period - he was constantly cheating -and the next circle 3 months later was an ongoing craziness and soon after it was over. It was like a hurricane. Started with a small spin and it got stronger, harder, faster and more common after each attack.

I believe it gets worse with moving in and even worse with marriage. When you marry them, like the other user said, they completely devalue you and have no respect for you because you were willing to marry them. they also see you even more as of an object. You belong to them and they know it will be harder for you to get away. My N told me once he purposely got me married so i would never leave him. I thought it was sweet when he said it but it really wasn't now that I know he is a Narc. When I got pregnant with my second one he began acting worse.

Hi Sunafterrain, well, I can share with you that my nh began abusing me barely a week into our marriage. He was moody, short tempered, complained, smirked, and kept showing off ALL THE TIME. But, at that time I did not know it was Abuse. I got brainwashed into believing that I was under par. Even his parents joined in to assault me verbally. Then the first serious OW occurred when we were in the 7th year of marriage. I made a public outcry and humiliated him and OW...but after that, he picked up another OW, and another OW, and yet another OW. Each OW appears to have lasted 4 years apiece. since last year this most terrible OW has been picked up. The professional hooker whom he has promised marriage even without divorcing me. They are together every 2 weeks and travel to different parts of the world together. Ok, this present PH OW is the first case study I am getting an direct view of. No idea whether NH will ever get bored of this one? He appears to be so devoted. He is going to take her abroad for some med check. he is spending far more on this ow than any of the predecessors. If he is really disordered, then why has he not cheating on this OW? No, he is not gaining anything from this floozie. In fact he is paying out to her substantially more than he did for previous OWs. I wonder if it is due to inflation of price? Sun, can you borrow one of your friend's phone for the next 2 weeks and keep your own phone switched off? That way you would be lessening the chance of getting mentally wrecked . just a suggestion.. hope you can do this.

dreams when he moved in with someone else after seeing him on/off for 8 years. I was devestated, even though I was seeing him less and less towards the end. In fact, roles eventually totally reversed, as I was doing most of the contacting but, not all. He was such a coward about telling me the truth and kept it secret for months while he strung me along. He decided to come clean after I told him I had breast cancer...they can't handle any type of illness and run for the hills. This asshole is one of the worst abusers I've ever encountered because he was extremely smart (lawyer) and manipulative about the way he did anything. I realize now that everything he did had a motive and he knew exactly what he was doing all along. After reading the posts about what it's like living with N's, maybe we're both lucky that didn't happen for us. When I think about the "lucky" OW, I get really down but, I also know he was in deep financial trouble and that it's highly likely the OW is rich and has status. Also, I spoke my mind and called him on his crap and the OW might be better at playing the "yes dear" game. Rather he use her than me at this point. I think they keep their masks on longer if the OW has something they really need. Mine told me for years that he liked living alone after his divorces and then, all of a sudden, he moves in OW and says it was time because he had lived alone for 8 years. Everything he said was a lie. Now that I think about it, I'm sure he was still seeing me while he was with her...they'll keep on cheating if they can get away with it. If they're using the OW's money, they're not going to do something to blow it; at least not for a while. Mine told me all men "F" around and I don't think he's going to change unless his dick falls off; he's 65. He also told me that all he cares about is money. Image is everything to him so, maybe the OW has supreme status. Bottom line, none of it is about real love. I know how you feel...it's all incredibly devastating and hurtful. I feel so betrayed, used and humiliated. I'm still struggling with it all, like you, and there are days I question the purpose and meaning of my life. Healing will take time but we must keep moving on by putting one foot in front of the other. Invasive memories will fade and things will get better. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better...it's like recovering from Meth addiction. The brain and body must go through a lengthy healing and repair process. Keep up the NC!!

3-6 months. I am not sure. I just know almost six months to the day of our r/s the mask really started slipping off. Six months after that, she seemed to be improving somewhat. Then for the next 6 months the abuse began escalating again. Kind of like a crescendo. Ending with "If you expect me to say I love you it takes away the meaning" (after already having said it dozens of times)

time to cheer up you, they NEVER change, there is some article from Sandra Brown about that o in this website, and mine really change once he moved into my place, the verbal, emotional abuse,never physical, got much worse and I had to watch every word out of my mouth, almost a year later, even though i still loved him dearly, I asked him to leave, to this day even though I told him, I could not take anymore abuse from him, he still does NOT get it, unbelievable sick people.I cannot answer your question about cycling..I think when they move in or marriage you, they feel like they have a free license to abuse you more with no consequences becasuse they DROP their mask of civility..

.....this marriage thing Susan speaks of being one of them.....I believe narcissists marry for gain of some sort just like evrything else they do, and they won't neccesarily be better or worse to their partner than they were before....they have NO empathy and lie, cheat, manipulate BEFORE AND AFTER marriage.....the vows themselves mean NOTHING to them anyway......I think for most people, once they ARE married, then if they haven't been already living together NOW they are, and the abuse can seem to escalate, but that is because you are now with that person pretty much 24/7. When you aren't living together and in such a close union, they can't abuse you in the same constant fashion. My abuser didn't get "worse" after marriage. We were together 4 years before we married, and then another 4 years before I kicked him out with an order of protection. He was just an abuser the whole time consistantly in cycles, with exception to the first 4 months or so. Don't ask me why I married him......still working on that with myself!!!! Sun, I am not an expert on what this cycling is persay, but in my experience, cycling to me meant a period of calm, followed by tension, and concluded with a huge raging blowup of some sort with the abuser. He would cycle through that and for me, it was about every 4 months....the rest of the time was filled with lies, manipulations and control on a regular basis. I hope my answer is of some help to you. And to Susan32- I love your postings, just wanted to tell you that!!!!! love~ Layla

Oh, trust me. He's still a nutcase. ;) It's important to remember that abuse isn't what a narcissist DOES, it's what he IS. He can no more change this about himself than he can change the color of his eyes. His destiny is to be "too perfect" for the world, perpetually displeased with what he has. No one will ever measure up to the ideal in his head. If they get close, he simply moves the goalpost. He wants undying devotion and loyalty, but if he gets it, he loses respect for you. If he respects you, then he can't control you, therefore he resents and undermines you. There's no winning with a narcissist. But, you know all this. :) It takes awhile before the understanding in your head seeps in to your heart. My heart is a slow learner. It's woefully naive. My head had him pegged for a doucebag early on, while my heart was still asking "what if...?" months later. Silly heart. Outside of drippy RomComs, love does not have magical, curative powers. A toad doesn't turn into a prince with a kiss and a self-absorbed jerk doesn't turn into a giving partner because he's met a wonderful woman. That is Hollywood bullshit. A man can't grow strong character from a stone heart. Change your number. The hoovers have a nasty way of producing a delayed negative reaction. Like slow-acting poison without all the fun.