Disgust

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#1 Oct 29 - 2PM
kiwi10
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Disgust

Hello my beautiful empathic sisters :)
I'm finally getting the free time to post this week. I missed you.
So, I am experiencing a new emotion. I thought I had been through them all and was an expert on them. I went through the anguish and disbelief and rage and deep depression. I went through anxiey and fear like crazy. Now I have disgust and contempt. Here I thought I was done, at the holy 'acceptance stage', forgiving him and all.
My problem is that he isn't charming. He's not hoovering. He's just an asshole and while I was kind to him when I saw him, I was left with not rage but this new sense of repulsion.
I thought about the dog incident and him sleeping with that nasty ugly x stripper x girlfriend of his on his vacation and remembered I let him put that thing in me so many time. I let that POS marry me and almost break me. I feel sick. I'm vascilating between that with touches of rage. Mostly, I'm trying to redirect my thoughts because I'm so repulsed by him that being angry at him annoys me because he's so not even worth my thoughts in a bad way.
I haven't really read about this as a 'stage'. Maybe it's what happens after you have let go and have to be in contact (blue-eyes?). Mine has no reason to hoover and even his nice enough emails are met with contemptive responces from me because, i honestly, don't give a shit.
The little bit of shit I do give it completely anger and disgust.
Very strange. Very gross. It feels oddly poisonous, like the rage. I don't like feeling contempt or disgust or rage. It just makes me feel mad at him for making me feel this way! LOL.... Then I think, 'is this how he felt about ME???' F@#K HIM..
something for some of you to look forward to I suppose :)
Happy Friday, Goddesses.

Oct 30 - 11PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Disgust

Disgust is a rational response to seeing a Narc for what he really IS. It is seeing clearly.
Oct 30 - 9PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

fierflie< to answer your question..

You said "after you have let go and have to be in contact (blue-eyes?).Mine has no reason to hoover".. First, let me say to you that I feel the same, switching between acceptance and then I get mad I was destroyed. I assume this is all pretty normal. The main thing is that we DON NOT ANSWER.Secondly, Nc is important because your not letting go if you engage. I avoid engaging at all, I go via his mother for the kids ect..... I don't even want to! I am so sick of the sight of him and to think of sex, ew! He is attractive but he ruined how attractive he is to me. I would never again. I know I am done, I know what he is... Hang in there honey. DO NOT email him. Your life is better without him. When you want to email him, think of the stripper shit GF!
Oct 29 - 11PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

More disgust

I've had to dig deep when it comes to the experiences involving the ex-Psych professor that happened 10-14 years ago. The ex-P liked fantasizing to his male disciples about how I'd "die alone, crazed and talking to the walls." He loved the idea of me in an insane asylum. Of course, he wouldn't tell me to my face. When he talked about marriage with me (well, thank God we didn't get to the romance/sex/marriage stage),he said he wanted to see me be "loveably stumbling for the rest of my life." We had only known each other a couple of months. Now this is what scared my friends... when I revealed his "Wittgenstein, Tolstoy and the Meaning of Life" that was online (it still IS, and the college kids are BOTH techno-savvy AND narcissistic, WTF?) He went around saying that he was going to "hunt me down." My classmates were seriously afraid that he was going to kill me, or try to. I'm talking about a TEACHER here, folks... NOT a boyfriend, lover or husband... but sheesh... If Ns/Ps see us as NOTHING, why do they bother treating us with contempt? If I'm indifferent to someone, I don't care if they're happy or sad. But I don't go to any lengths to please or pain them. But if Ns/Ps are indifferent to us, why do they go to such trouble hurting us? WTH?
Oct 30 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

More disgust...

Well, where does it end? I've had to dig deep to come to terms with what happened a decade ago. The ex-Psych professor once described himself, saying, "Why are you attracted to a rotting old man like me?" At the time, he was handsome, slim... it was only the teeth that were rotting. I mentioned my sister, and he asked if I were JEALOUS of her(?!) He has a sister in Texas, but that didn't make sense. Yeah, sibling rivalry exists. Maybe he envied his sister because she was normal... never met her... don't know... Once, early on, he said, "I love the idea of you alone, abandoned, languishing in your tears." YUCK!!! And BTW- my policy is only to have sex with my fellow human beings. He didn't qualify for that.
Oct 30 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

wow... thats some really

wow... thats some really weird shit.
Oct 30 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Yeah, glad it didn't get to the dating stage...

I was just the ex-P's student. I considered him a friend... and what I put up with because he was my teacher. If he had been a fellow classmate, I would've dumped him in a New York minute. I've dropped Ns/Ps before, and it hasn't been painful, because I was more CAUTIOUS. I let down my guard with the ex-P was because he was my teacher, he was in authority... and those who compare the devaluing to being abandoned as a child, that you feel like a little child after the D&D... it was so apt in this situation, because he was old enough to be my father. When I saw his "Wittgenstein, Tolstoy and the Meaning of Life" online, he claimed it was a "mistake." A normal person would be proud of being published online. I told him I wanted to know more about him... and his reply was that somehow all of him was in that. I had exposed him... my freshman year. (Jen79 tried reading it, heroically) The ex-P also had a circle of male followers, whom he seemed to treat better than me. One of them he advised for his senior essay. I remember walking by... the young man was talking, but the ex-P was walking around an ornamental pond, not even giving him eye contact. This young man ended up giving up philosophy (he's into music), going to Oregon and changing his first name. That young man might have gotten closer, and gotten more hurt. Male survivors have a harder path because they're EXPECTED to be strong.
Oct 29 - 7PM
movingforward (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I love reaching that point...

I love that point of clarity, when you finally see them for the disgusting 'human' that they are...if they're even human. Repulsion. One of the best feelings ever. Glad you're doing good :)
Oct 30 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

movingforward...LMAO..

You mean this is a point of clarity??? In the beggining he was my SEXY husband who is perfect skin, beautiful eyes and the whitest smile I have EVER seen..... Two weeks ago when we were in therapy, I swear, I looked across at him speak and I saw this HUGE NOSE! I forgot but your post just reminded me! Literally, I blocked what he was saying out of my head and thoght, "You have the biggest, nose, Why have I not discovered your ugly nose before?" I am laughing so hard right now... Clarity? If there is a point it was the nose thing! LMAO... Thankx for making me laugh!
Oct 29 - 2PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Youre getting there, Fireflie

The disgust is just a step further. It means the cog diss is going, going away. You now are starting to accept the fact that people like this exist, and you want to wretch, which is completely normal, right!? Acceptance is coming. It will. And you don't need to forgive him, you need to forgive yourself, if you haven't already. You need, in a sense, to forgive that the whole thing happened, that you didn't see it coming, exactly, that there were things inside of you, like ALL of us, that made it very hard for you to protect yourself and get away. It happened to ALL of us. They spotted our vunerabilities and fucked us over with them. That's the ONLY part you need to 'forgive.' Don't be offering him forgiveness for ANYTHING, because HE AIN'T SORRY. Forgiveness is a two way deal. Forgiveness is only for those who humbly ask for it and genuinely want it. luv you girl. Youre doing great.
Oct 29 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I'd only use "forgiveness" to F him over...

Because I KNOW it wouldn't be real! And too bad I knew his vulnerabilities--that stay in the mental hospital, that umbilical cord with his father, his paranoia about being mocked... you name it, I'll pin it, like pin the tail on the donkey... I'd give him "forgiveness" alright, but it would be for fake "supply" that's like the fake cheese you spray on crackers. I think it's the lack of remorse from the ex-P that really shocked and angered me. I'd calmly tell him "People make mistakes. People do bad things. You can apologize." Of course, he snapped "I'm NOT YOUR PUPPET!" when I tried to mentally coerce him into apologizing. I was about ready to use those tactics cop use interrogation rooms to get confessions. Not a pleasant way to get one, but you do get one... I forgave MYSELF. Even one of my friends said, when it comes to forgiving him, it would have to mean GENUINE remorse.
Oct 29 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

shaynasmommy

oh, that makes sense!! Before I would always vascilate between andger and guilt and longing. So, now that I totally 'get' what he is, I don't give a crazp what I did wrong. LOL I told him I forgave him, and I kinda sorta did, but not really. It was more like 'here, take this crap back on yourself and deal with it, I don't want it anymore'. I know he's not sorry. I don'r even dream about him ever being sorry except maybe on his deathbead, but I doubt it because he's a total self desribed 'heathen' anyway, who loves musing about desade. SO..... I do want to wretch when I think of him. I'm trying to be nice and all, but he sends me texts and emails and all I want to do is punch his face, even when he is 'nice'.
Oct 29 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Breathdeep
Breathdeep's picture

I'm with you

It must be in the air because that is what has been hitting me too. I can't believe this is what he realy is?! I can't stand to read or hear any more of his twisted lies. It makes me sick that he tricks and manipulates so many and makes them think he is something he isn't even close to being. Well, to be honest, I don't really care about that IF he would stay away from me. We have very little contact any more, I am proud to say my doing, but he tries to mess with me and my son and I am sooo sick of it. If he is so very happy in his "new life" why continue to f#ck with me when I am leaving him alone?

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

Oct 29 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

hey breathdeep

so, what's your story? you have a narc that won't leave you alone? :( bummer. I doubt he's 'happy', and even if he is on some superficial level, it's not going to last.
Oct 29 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

cause he's not happy.

And he's a big liar, so he's lying when he tells you he is happy in his new life. Mine said that too, and he had big crocodile tears in his eyes when he said it. Boo fucking Hoo.
Oct 29 - 2PM
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

(((((((((Fierflie)))))))))

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.