Did your gut instinct warn you?

The intense attraction may have been a tip off now that I look back. when it's that INTENSE I think u need to step back and exam a little. That and his calculating gazes always made me weary...

Ohhh yeah..absolutely. Very early on I could tell that he doesnt feel empathy towards other people the way most people do. However I had interpreted it as him havng "emotional issues" and "problems opening up".

I still feel bad that I turned my head to his online activities because i was busy with our children, and couldn't indulge his sexual preferences like he wanted/when he wanted. I sensed my gut more strongly in the very end that I was done with him, sitting with the Pastor felt I would divorce him and our life was over I knew this internally a strong feeling of certainty the next day I found the attorney.

all the time, but my mind tried to reason it away, in every way possible. I did trust my instinct, but I didn't act on it. I always wanted to believe the best, which was my downfall. I just couldn't believe that someone could be so abusive, cruel and calculating. But people like this do exist, and it was my misfortune that I got entangled. But I am free now!!!

Yes. I've learned a very valuable lesson from this -- don't ignore my instincts!

he was a longtime friend.. i guess, i fell inlove with him. it was a sort of pseudo relationship. later he would just have his mood and he was almost attacking me and would even insist that i misunderstood him.. then all these lies..he was a different person with me.. when i read his FB (facebook) it seems like he was a different person? flirting with all the girls? he would even attack my values ( being calm... that i am so passive..) he would remind me of my shortcomings.. that i am not perfect... he was my bestfriend... i love him so much, how come he would say those things to me... four months ago.. something inside of me was screaming to get out... detach myself...i just did..he blamed me for everything.. i am in pain now.. trying to heal

Yeah! At first, I just assumed I was being a little too paranoid. When packages from N started showing up at our house, I remember asking my husband,"Um, is this weird?! This is weird, right?" I haven't had anyone write to me, or send me anything, since friends in grade school. Nobody does that anymore. So, part of me assumed there must be more behind it somehow. I did a double-take, when my husband said he didn't find it threatening, nor forward, at all. He thought I was probably reading way too much into it. Anyway, N was just a friend. Friends send friends things, right? Big deal. So, I put that initial feeling out of my mind. I began to think the gifts were nice, friendly gestures. Which they were, on the surface of it. They weren't anything extravagant, or extreme. They'd relate to whatever we'd been talking about. No lovey-dovey stuff, or anything crazy like that. Which is how I rationalized everything, so I wouldn't feel as off-put about it. Still, those gestures never stopped. We were just friends, for years. My own man didn't see this N coming.

my N asked me if i had a "gut feeling" about him interestingly and i turned the question around on him. he said he had a "good feeling" about me and "saw a future with me" and "had done a lot of positive visualizations for t future" *rolling my eyes* my gut told me when i met him that he was "the one" then my gut told me i had to "be perfect" and basically cater to him and elevate him in order to make him happy. walking on eggshells from day 1. after four months i was exhausted and was not getting 20% back of what i was putting in.

YES In under 48 hours of having met this nh. i hated his parents feared his folks was sooooooo edgy in his presence told my folks i wanted this wedding cancelled...but nobody heeded me...they said i must be plain nervous...but I KNEW there was something VERY wrong with this man. anyway........history now and I am stuck with a narc...dunno when i can live free.

I think all of us had red flags even at the very beginning, but we decided for whatever reason to ignore them. I don't think any of us will do that again....at least those of us who have been on this board. I think the thing that is tricky is walking the fine line of not making new people in our lives pay for the mistakes of others from our past. It's good to be vigilant, but you have to give people a chance. Assume the best until you are shown otherwise. I'm not saying to overlook obvious Narc tendencies....which are somewhat easy for most of us to spot now. If someone seems too good to be true, they very well may be. Listen to your gut....it won't do you wrong. We have a tendency to not trust ourselves after being in such an abusive relationship, but when you listen to your heart, you can't go wrong.

I lost 25 pounds during the first two months and I wasn't heavy to being with. Anything I ate stayed in me for less than two hours and I was so stressed I didn't know what to do. My entire body was on high alert but, I DID NOT LISTEN to my intuition. I thought I had finally met the perfect man...HA ha ha ha ha ha. I was so screwed up...I could not make the connection between his bad behavior (swinging his dick around the streets of SF, for example)and the fact he was a successful and self made millionaire. It was shocking and at the same time fascinating in terms of the absurd. In my twisted little mind, only low lifes did those things and I wanted to find out what the hell I was dealing with. Curiousity almost killed the cat, literally. I felt from day one that he was a player and cheater. I asked if he cheated on his last wife and he SMILED an ugly cheese and noded his head. His phone was always going off and each time it did, another ugly cheese. Another flag...never w/o his Patron. He was a heavy drinker and I started drinking the stuff when I was around him. I didn't even drink hard liquor before I met him. I could go on and on and on but at this point, I need to let it all go. I got played and emotionally raped by a selfish sadistic SOB who knew what he was doing from day one.

My gut screamed at me almost from Day 1. I just can't say what made me ignore it! Now I use what I have learned from this forum and many, many books that I have read, and there is a strict checklist to evaluate guys. Well, there was, I should say, as I met a good man (NOT on the internet) who passes every test with flying colors so far (and I'm still watching). But I remember all these strange, creepy feelings, alarm bells that I refused to hear. One time, the N said "oh I love you so much I'm just going to cry" and then did cry, or, water came from his eyes but I remember watching him and feeling like I was watching a very poor actor - it was, for me, so uncomfortable and unnatural, so FALSE. (The only time that man will ever cry and mean it will be when his dog dies. I love her too, and that has been the hardest thing for me - losing the dog.) But I was so often puzzled, flummoxed, just completely confused yet I forged ahead. A shadow of doubt is a doubt!

it was more the way I reacted to them. Most things he did that disturbed or upset me, I tried to talk to him about. And I quickly learned that that always caused problems. He turned nasty really quickly and always left me completely alone with my hurt. But more important by far were the things I didn`t talk to him about. When he flirted with another woman, I always just walked away. In retrospect, I can see that I didn`t trust him enough to let him know that that hurt me, because if he`d known that that hurt me, he`d never have stopped doing it. He did something really weird when we`d been together around three months. He gave me a nude picture of his ex-wife for Easter. He used to make these awful photo collages which he called art, and so in his mind it wasn`t a nude picture of his ex-wife that he gave me, it was art-work. But for me it was a nude picture of his ex-wife! And he said when he gave it to me that working on it had called up all his old feelings for his ex-wife. It really hurt me, but I hid the hurt. I asked him if his ex-wife knew that he was giving me the picture, and when he said she didn`t, I gave it back to him and told him to ask her first if she minded, because I would have minded a LOT if I`D been his ex wife. And he took it back and never asked her, and I never saw the photo again. But I know now he was trying to make me insecure deliberately. I know now he was trying to find out where I was hurtable, so he could hurt me more efficiently. And I know that my INSTINCT not to show that certain things hurt me served my survival instinct. So that was my gut. And many things I never told him, I thought, I don`t know him well enough yet to trust him with certain information, and when I DID know him well enough, I sure as hell didn`t trust him with that information! I`d take it slow on the trust side of things when you begin dating again. Keep it light and casual, don`t tel anything about yourself that could be used as a weapon. And DON`T, repeat DON`T, please please don`t leap into bed too soon, because that bonds you, even if what you`re bonding to is as healthy as Nagasaki after they dropped the bomb.... I have a time limit for sex, it`s a minimum of three months getting to know someone. And even then, I`ve been conned by assholes. So take warning. And have fun!

But also there are so many other things to be careful of too...I would stay away from on line dating altogether, don't try to force anything, let it happen as naturally as possible. Also just be careful for the real intelligent ones, or the very cunning ones, those are the ones you need to watch for. The minute you get that feeling, take a big step back, don't see him and then you will see it objectively and you will see a different perspective with your eyes wide open. The thing about his is we all start out strong and because we don't pull back, they start to break us down and eventually we cave. Best of luck.

listen to your gut, in the beginning i would drive over to his house to see him and had to down calms forte, a nauturl remedy for anxiety, my stomach was always churning and i would drive, thinking this is not right, i should be calm, happy peaceful, it is because I knew of the walking on eggshells would begin for me.........

Yes since day one. I was very naive and believed everyone was a good person deep down inside. I will never ever ignore my gut instinct. I think if you give yourself enough time to heal and be on your own (to trully love yourself) you will be ok. If you're still questioning wether you'll be able to see and avoid red flags I would recommend you put off dating for a while longer. I know I never want to make the same mistake again. I realized I allowed this person to break me because I have deep rooted issues (self estee, boundaries, self love and until I fix these issues I won't be able to make smart choices when it comes to dating.

but fell for the charm over time, but not for the first three years...eventually spending time together and the sex emotionally bonded me and I started accepting the unacceptable.... and here I am 13 years later, alone and still pretty screwed up, but trying to heal I truly hope others learn and act faster than me...

Your gut never lies. Trust it from here on out.......your heart and head will mess with you, because you have ways of controlling them. Not your gut....... Gut instincts are animal instincts and needed for survival. We all ignored the red flags, thats why we are in the situations that we are. Learn to trust your gut. :)

I always thought to myself in the beginning, "It shouldnt be this hard!!" And Im not talking about whats hanging between his legs....... Our relationship (him) always seemed like such a struggle...in the beginning it should be the honeymoon phase...it was as if we were married for 40 years....boring...unaffectionate, unless he wanted his way with me, .....and WOW...I stayed in it for a year and a half..... I shouldve listened to my gut... All relationships take work, but the beginning should be like floating on a cloud..my cloud never drifted too far but it was enough to keep me going back for more....

YES! One of the most valuable lessons of my experience with the narc. I will never doubt my gut again.

Your gut is always right. My gut had bells ringing and I thought I would just tread cautiously and see if it was true. Too late, I fell into the trap. My gut is my relationship Bible from now on.

yes it did... ADDED TO WHICH HE TOLD ME SOMETHING ABOUT HIM SELF[B/C HE TRUSTED ME SO MUCH...LOL]... I SHOULD HAVE GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE THEN....BUT I DIDNT...

He would do things that were just strange, and I thought to myself "what the hell is wrong with this guy" My mom and my brothers warned me that he was a control freak and he would use and hurt me. they only met him one time in the beginning when they said this, the more they seen him (never talked to him) the more they "seen" , now that he is gone even my own kids have told me he always tried to isolate me I Asked them what they meant because I never felt that way, they said if I wasn't in the same room he would give them all such dirty looks and make them feel so uneasy they would just leave the room. Now that he is gone I "see" how much they really stayed out of the house or in their rooms when he was around. He talked very badly about his ex wives and how they were crazy and controlling , talks about how he could "kill" his sec ex wife and just do 5 yrs for it! (ex cop and prison guard) His biggest thing he didn't like was when his kids started pulling away from him, he would always tell me "I'm losing my kids" But yes there were so many red flags that I just dismissed because I thought he just had bad females in his relationship, but guess what IT WAS HIM!!! And i fully understand why his exw is the way she is, he did it to her!!

Yes