Did your exN have any REAL FRIENDS?

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#1 Oct 9 - 12PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Did your exN have any REAL FRIENDS?

My exN didn't have any friends! Sometimes he would talk about guys from work but never did he have any buddies that came over and BBQ'd with us or hung out with us. He always seemed to rub people the wrong way. All of our landlords, my friends, and family, he just never sat well with people.

#2 Oct 10 - 7AM

tina

real friend?

I don't think they know what 'real friends' are. My exN had only his family that would continue to make excuses for his childlike behavior, send money, enable. Friends, no. He burned too many bridges in his career to have any friends.

#3 Oct 9 - 11PM

me_at_last (not verified)

My ex had tons of friends.

My ex had tons of friends. He was very popular - goes with the whole charming thing. But, he was not a good friend. He had slept with the girlfriends of many of his male friends.

#4 Oct 9 - 9PM

a new creation

No friends

My exN had no real friends. I dated him for 5 months and I was always introducing him to my friends. He introduced me to one friend that lived in another state and they rarely spoke. A few people who did come around were a bit odd and were just acquaintances. He used to meet with a homeless person once or twice a month and I'm sure my exN liked meeting with him because in his mind his homeless friend was lower than him. My exN also stated that he really didn't have a need for people. Me and my exN were always together and never had any friends around us because he was isolating me from my friends. I wanted my friends to be our friends but that was never going to happen.

#5 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

rebo

no friends

my husband has one friend from college who lives two states away, our only couples outings are with my friends and their husbands. Some of my friends say he is haughty and takes over all conversation. He can be very verbally abusive. There is a paper someone wrote about emotional abuse in christian marriages- I printed it, he found it and read it and admitted he had done that in our marriage, but not much has changed. From what I have read he will not change. Do they ever see for themselves that they are narcissists?

#6 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

rebo

Do they ever see for themselves that they are narcissists? NOPE! And do NOT confront him "hoping" he'll "get help." THERE IS NO CURE OR HELP FOR HIM. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/20/should-you-confront-narcissist-about-his-narcissism You need to get a lawyer and get out ASAP. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/christian-abusers.html http://www.divorcehope.com/verbalabuseinmarriage.htm http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/02/from-such-turn-away.html http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/11/wicked-man.html and: Christians... listen up. All the platitudes and bromides you've been weaned on do not apply to narcissists. Quit coddling, excusing, justifying and enabling evil to thrive. Your well-intentioned desire to "save" the narcissist is back-firing. You are supporting evil when you don't hold evil people accountable for their behavior. Christians, of all people, should be the last ones who excuse or support evil people, yet, somehow, they do it everyday thinking themselves to be good Christians by giving a pass to out right evil behaviors just so they look like "nice" people. Turn on your brains and think. Stop acting how you think you should act in order to impress all your friends with your great Christian heart. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't necessarily the "nice" thing. The Gospel of Nice is not the Gospel of Christ. You are morally weak if you are giving a pass to evil narcissists. Period. Yes, even if that narcissist is your parent. As I've stated in recent posts, when you decide to stop feeding the narcissist, when you quit playing by their rules, you have declared war. The narcissist is in this war to maintain what they value most...power over you. You are in the war to eradicate evil from your sphere of influence. This is serious business. No one enters war lightly. Count the costs before you engage; once engaged, do not settle for less than victory. It is no small thing to let your goodness be exploited, used, and manipulated by predatory narcissists. Your good qualities are only good if they support good. All too often people fall for the notion that their eternal patience and determined belief in the good of all people will cause others to rise to the occasion. The narcissist will NEVER rise to this occasion in the way you hope. They will only see opportunity for protective coloration by standing very close to you and letting your goodness hide their badness. It is imperative for you, your family, and your social circle that you engage your rational powers and start discerning between good and evil. Discernment = judgment. Not a bad word. I have said before that "nice people suck". In this context, of how "nice" people often let themselves be used by evil people, I am speaking. There is a time for everything. Always being "nice" is a sign that you do not understand there is a time to not be "nice". There is a time to judge. A time to take an unpopular stand. A time to hold evil-doers to account no matter the cost to you. A time to protect the innocent and abused from those who have very successfully hidden their malignancy heretofore. A time for war. The only time we should engage with evil is to defeat it. Quit trying to reason with evil. Evil is, by its very nature, unreasonable. Quit trying to save the evil. Evil recognizes no need for salvation. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/06/refresher-on-savior-complex.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#7 Oct 9 - 9PM

grossot

Belinda

Hi! I haven't seen you post on here before. Welcome! Then, all I heard was..."God Belinda! I never met a woman who had no friends!!!" Wow! He really set you up. That's what we call calculating. I hope you are able to reclaim some of those friends not to mention your dignity. It sounds like you're done letting him control you. Your post made me remember that my N once said to me "why don't you act around my friends the way you act around your friends." I just remember thinking 'you have friends?' Odd. Hmm. Well, that's a Narc for ya! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#8 Oct 9 - 7PM

Cgrl

friends

Wow. Just wow. I am amazed here. There really is something wrong. The more I read the more I cant breath. No friends. When he first came here I asked him if he had heard from anyone of his buddies from the Army. He told me " I dont have friends, I have aquaintances". I was like - okay. I asked him - have you heard from your kids, granted they are older now in thier 20's with kids and getting married and he said - "if they need me they will call me". He has two sisters that he has no relationship with because he feels they "dicked" him when his parents died. I dont know. Im just floored. When he came here he told my family he was here to stay with me forever because he had "burnt all his bridges" - I did not know what that meant at the time. Now I know - he must have "dicked" everyone he came in contact with and couldnt go back. Is this a trait? I have friends I have been with forever- I remember when he was walking out the door he told me I should cut ties with my best friend- she was not good for me. He never even met her! He was LEAVING ME and telling me who was GOOD FOR ME. amazing, just amazing.

#9 Oct 9 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

Cgrl - it's just surreal isn't it?

they project they lie - even to themselves. they are DELUSIONAL good for you? control! Typical classic N-behavior ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#10 Oct 9 - 7PM

Beachcolors

None that I ever saw

My N would often start sentences with "this buddy of mine" but when it comes down to it I never laid eyes on any buddies. He would always talk about plans with friends and then never spend time with anyone but me. HE NEVER PRODUCED ONE SINGLE PERSON IN HIS LIFE OTHER THAN HIS MOTHER. I have added that red flag to my list!

#11 Oct 9 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

thisisnotfun

Nope Nada....

N would talk about buddies, but I never really met anyone except his co-workers at work related functions. He also talked about doing this and that with friends but it never happened. He hated how many friends I had and that I was always doing something with someone. He told me my friends were more important than him. He was very jealous of my friends and family. I have tons of friends and family. He bad- mouthed all of them and only met one friend and met my family once at x-mas and complained the entire time. He told me he didn't have friends and very little family. Awful childhood and raised himself. He told me at one time.... I was his best friend... Light bulb moment.....

#12 Oct 9 - 3PM

grossot

Negative

Ooooh. I just said that sarcastically because N always answered questions 'negative' instead of 'no'. (Ick- talk about bad habits learned from a N, NanC) Anyway, my N had zero male friends but a handful of female friends (hello-get a clue) that he worked with. On a few get togethers I got the impression that they thought he was weird but gave them attention so they didn't care. Everyone always told me what a great guy I had. And those that didn't like him- hated him with a passion. He was overbearing and didn't have that filter to know when to leave people alone. His best man at the wedding dropped him soon after like a bad taste in his mouth (never did find out what happened there). He had to have other people find people to be in our wedding so there were as many groomsmen as bridesmaids. The only wedding he was ever in was his brothers. Other couple friends we had stopped coming around and were all of a sudden too busy to hang out with us. Interestingly enough his mom and dad have stuck by him even though he treats them awful. His brother has recently made the comment that he doesn't resemble his brother anymore and his sister stays away. I loved his family like my own - I feel like I've lost a good part of my life because they are no longer willing to be a part of my life like they once were. I've said for years 'he just doesn't have friends'. Good subject. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#13 Oct 9 - 1PM

finallydone

Nope

He has one guy that he's been friends with since they were kids, and that guys a little off the wall too, but he has recently figured out how much lying the egomaniac has been doing and actually just told him off last night. I doubt it will last... but the long-distance friendship has been strained. They grew up together but friend lives in Florida and N lives with mommy in Ohio... so their "relationship" has been via phone for 20 years. Other than that, it's just other piano players that he talks to via cell when setting up gigs. Sometimes they chat on the phone, but it's all distant acquaintences. Nobody he gets together with and hangs out, or is close to, etc. My friends became his friends until they all started to hate him and didn't come around much anymore and he put them all down behind their back. So I think the answer is no they don't have any real friends. I kept questioning myself that if I was as bad as he asid I was, then how come I had so many long-time friends and didn't have trouble getting along with people. He would just tell me it's because "they don't know what you're really like Sandy!" This used to hurt me.... now I think, "Hmmmmm can we say PROJECTION!!!"

#14 Oct 9 - 12PM

Ellen

I'm glad you asked this

HI, My ex had no friends at all. He had one bloke who would fix his car, he had a drink with him once. I thought it was cos he ran a pub for 20 odd years and left his wife in the pub so he only had the punters. Still you would think there would be someone. They say a 'N' doesn't have friends so maybe i should stop questioning my diagnosis of him based on this alone.

#15 Oct 9 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

NanC (not verified)

I always wondered who would

I always wondered who would come to our wedding on his behalf? Lol! I'm sure no one would come to his funeral either! During one of our fights I told him that if he were to die, no one would even be willing to bury his ass! He doesn't have a relationship with anybody in his family! He hates his parents & he doesn't have a relationship with either one of his brothers. (One bad habit I picked up from him was cussing. I didn't cuss before him...that asshole! Lol!)

#16 Oct 9 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

destiny (not verified)

Nope, he has had a 'falling

Nope, he has had a 'falling out' with almost everyone. He has a minister friend of his...and a neighbor(that comes in and out of his life) and a friend from online that lives many miles away that believes he is so nice. I was in his life for a year...so no clue how he really is getting by. When i look at the big picture...i have some friends and family and people are happy to hear from me when I call. XN has ruined relationships with stupid joke emails that friends of his found offensive and told him to never send him an email again. His family doesnt have the time for him at all.

#17 Oct 9 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

friends

exNH - no real friends. Psycho-Boy - under his online identity? over 900 on Facebook and Twitter. Under his real identity? he swears he has loads. Of course he keeps them in the dark about his secret life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#18 Oct 9 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Belinda

Friends

Zero Friends Zero Family He brought No social circle to relationship! He of course found fault and accused all my friends as being superficial and made them uncomfortable with his presence & his silent treatment. Chourus "Just you and me, we don't need anyone eles" "I am a very private person and don't let many people into my life..Just YOU!!! Can't really trust anybody" "Belinda your friends aren't nice to me, I don't want to associate with them" "I'm just happy with you"(isn't that sweet!) REPEAT chourus line 1000 times! He had one friend who looked up to him,cause he was at the bottom, a person with zero going for him so of course he felt superior. Once my friends one by one told me that they didn't like him..I stopped socializing with them the flac wasn't worth it. (Wow I am ashamed!) Then, all I heard was... "God Belinda! I never met a woman who had no friends!!!" Professionally as a manager,he employed people with no level of education, basically those less fortunate, so he was seen as almighty, making him feel superior!! Then how he tried to brainwash me in regards to my family members....another story much the same. Belinda ps. I really like this website!! Thank you.

#19 Oct 9 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

4joys (not verified)

No real friends with the

No real friends with the exN. I used to ask him to invite his buddies from work over for certain occasions and he would react strongly. "NO! I dont want them coming here."

#20 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

James (not verified)

I get by with a little help from my friends.. (Beatles)

No doubt this is yet another pathological dysfunctional trait of as we may say a â€œred flagâ€. No doubt because they are unable to maintain any healthy long term relationship this explains why many of them if no all have no friends but may have â€œassociatesâ€ albeit in business or other community events. Anyway, yes my ex too had no real friends which surprise me insomuch that she was female and most ladies I know have close friends and close relationships. In 17 years I knew of only three friends all of them too had very dysfunctional lives and was more like her in many ways. But I never saw any close relationships even with those friends. Also to note they were never any closest in the her family by Mother Father brother and sisters. They never really saw each other but during holidays and family get together. I know she hated my close relationships with my sister and tried many times to destroy that. I also had many males friends (not being allow other then my biological sister to have female friends) which she always would comment how these â€œfriendsâ€ were only using me! Again a vain attempt to destroy any outside friendship. On the other side of this coin is how they confess to someone they just met how they are â€œtheirâ€ friend. Like intimate relationship here too they are very quick to attach to a new person which sometimes leaves the other person (victim) wondering why this person believes they are their friend. Because they are so shallow they can and will become quick friends but will abandon that friendship just as quickly. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#21 Oct 9 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

grossot

james

No doubt because they are unable to maintain any healthy long term relationship this explains why many of them if no all have no friends but may have â€œassociatesâ€ albeit in business or other community events. Very interesting. My N was obsessed with networking; joining clubs, ect. Wanted to be around people all the time. I was always so embarassed of what he might say or how he might act but had to be the outwardly supportive wife. Cut from the same mold. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#22 Oct 10 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

James (not verified)

Lotto

No doubt because they are unable to maintain any healthy long term relationship this explains why many of them if not all have no friends but may have â€œassociatesâ€ albeit in business or other community events. grossot, Because people are "objects" and are a source of supply this is really a number game which is something one will see more so on the internet. Cyberhunters continually look for more and more supply i.e. people and understand the number game. Long term relationships take time and effort which is something pathological abusers don't care to invest in. If one "friend" doesn't delivery or isn't there it's off next to the one on their endless list. Of course if one see their list it allow one to believe they have many friends. But one only needs to look closer and see the real story and how it's all just a sick dysfunctional pathological numbers game they are playing. Sometimes things look great on paper but really don't pan out in the real world.

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