did i do wrong?

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 15 - 5AM

harleygirl2010

did i do wrong?

I have recently split from my partner of 2 years and have been really struggling to come to terms with the nasty stuff that was said. We only ever had three arguments in two years and every time it ended with him walking out. So I guess I bottled up some feelings and concerns. Anyway to cut a long story short, after the last argument I have decided that enough is enough and we can longer get back together although I miss him desperately, we had such good times 90% of the time. I took quite a lot of verbal put downs when he came to collect his stuff and moved out and I sat and took it. Then once he had finally gone, I sent him an email about narcassism and told him that he was one, this led to a few nasty emails being exchanged him telling me 'not to contact him again as he does not need my kind of poison in his life', and me responding 'dont worry, i wont, I need to protect myself from blood sucking leeches like you'. It was really out of character for me as I do not express anger ever..... just sadness.... anyway Im struggling to make sense of what has happened and send this email below yesterday..... I have not had a response, and if I am honest I did not want one unless it was an apology, but what I wanted to ask was, do u think I have done myself more damage for sending it? I know he has read it as he has removed me and my son from facebook....

here goes...

> I know its over and i truely don't think we should get back together
> anymore, you went to far with your opinions the other day and I had
> the wake up call I needed, you kicked me while i was down and was
> very nasty, as I see it, some of the things u said were valid, like
> smoking, burying my head in the sand but the rest was soooo far off
> the planet I thought I was talking to a mad man, which is why i
> didnt respond at the time. I don't want to spend time with someone
> as negative as you I want someone positive in my life that's willing
> and happy to give things a go and does not live in the past. You
> have to learn from the past and let it go. I have a niggle in my
> mind that i went to far with the narcassist info, which is why I'm
> writing this, although you do have a lot of the traits. I guess I
> had took so much verbal abuse and put downs over the past week from
> you that I wanted to hurt you too. I'm not a nasty person, never
> have been but I was pushed too far and I don't like the outcome as
> it's not in my nature to be cruel and something I find hard to live
> with. But its time now to move on and forget the past and say
> sorry for the hurt caused, and I'm sorry for any I caused to you.
>
> I truely did think i loved mr Jekyll, and im really struggling with
> my feelings, but Hyde is probably the nastiest person I have ever
> come accross, he is heartless....you should loose him, he seriously
> is holding u back in life.....
>
> I wish u well...

#2 Mar 15 - 10AM

dysenchanted

Normalizing Craziness

Foreverlearning wrote: "Normal men don't treat women they love in a nasty way during an arguement. They just don't. They leave until they can cool down and collect themselves, rather than spew vile, hateful, hurtful verbal abuse to the one they love." I had a step father who verbally abused me all of my life. He paved the way for me to accept this behavior as normal. Then along came the N, and I didn't really notice the red flags, since he was no worse than what I grew up with. The first time I saw a man behave like a rational, loving, adult I cried like a baby. I didn't know such creatures existed.

#3 Mar 15 - 10AM

ForeverLearning

Let's Review - Lists Are Very Helpful

-When he met you he said he wasnt looking for anything permanent (a masked way of saying, I am here to use you, don't say I didn't warn you honey). - He refers to himself in the 3rd person sometimes (as 'he'). (Proof he is f*cked up in the head. That is clearly abnormal. More proof his brain is broken somehow. And remember, you are not 'Ms. Fix-It'). -He said he'd been f*cked over for 17 years by women (meaning his bad attitude towards women is something he loves to cling to and use as an excuse to treat you like sh*t. You get to pay for all the mean women in his past. Gotta love that one!! This means he is so ready to hate on women that you could be Mother Teresa and he'd still find a way to blame you for the sins of women past.) -You said you walked on eggshells around him (HUGE Red Flag that you are in a dysfunctional relationship) -You are fearful when your 12 year old accidently interrupts him (like I've said before, I feel the worst for your 12 year old's self esteem, if he can't interrupt a grown man without experiencing his wrath and also for watching his Mom being torn up in pain and walking on eggshells herself for this LIFE LONG LOSER). -He moved in with you to have a roof over his head. Now he's bought a new house and moving out, and your not invited to come along (if thats not proof he was using you for a roof over his head, I don't know what is). - When you have a disagreement, he is nasty and mean as hell to you (this is NOT normal. This is manipulation to get you to cower down so he gets his way in the disagreement. He is a bully and sadistic to be so nasty to you). Normal men don't treat women they love in a nasty way during an arguement. They just don't. They leave until they can cool down and collect themselves, rather than spew vile, hateful, hurtful verbal abuse to the one they love. Only immature, self centered, selfish, HATEFUL, anger problem men act horribly during a disagreement. Along with mentally ill men and men with personality disorders such as Narcissitic Personality Disorder (remember there are actually various personality disorders out there under the 'Cluster B' grouping of personality disorders...... and they all SUCK). Their brains are broken and cant be fixed. And pouring precious time and effort into fixing them is just wasting your life on a lost cause. You are not 'Ms. Fix-It' for broken men. There are plenty of non-broken men out there, give yourself time to heal, rebuild your self esteem and grow wise to spotting dangerous men, before you venture out to look for the next one. Being alone is not the end of the world, it is actually alot of fun if you get active make friends and get busy enjoying life. Hang in there, don't second guess yourself for getting rid of a LIFE LONG LOSER. All the best to you, give yourself alot of time to heal, that's what we're all doing around here, having experienced very similar relationships with dysfunctional men and grown to learn from it so it won't ever happen to us again. God bless.

#4 Mar 15 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

harleygirl2010

review lists

thanks for taking the time to reply and not beating around the bush, Im going to pring your reply off and keep it for weak moments, your so right and I guess I got to find a piece of self worth and hand on to it xx

#5 Mar 15 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

ForeverLearning

Self Esteem Takes Time

I have always had low self esteem. This year I turned 40, and finally, I feel like I am getting to a place of having some self esteem. Society makes it difficult to build one's self esteem - at the grocery check out, all the magazine covers promote how to improve one's beauty, how to do new tricks in bed to drive him wild, etc etc etc. It can really bum you out if you let it. I always wondered how people developed self esteem. Seems like some are born with it. It could be that their parents helped develop it in them, when they were kids, by being positive and supportive. I am VERY CAREFUL to be very positive with my kids, and give them praise and hugs every day. I never want them to feel lost and sad and unloved and confused and like they don't fit in, as I always had. I have found that I just feel all around better, and there fore perhaps more confident (more 'self esteem') with the more I read about spirituality, psychology, and philosophy on the internet. I have recently learned and tried Yoga and Meditation. Learning about Eastern religions (Buddhism) and ways of viewing life, have all helped me, in feeling more open and receptive to life, love, happiness, and peace. I dont care anymore about dumb stuff like trying to grow out my nails perfectly or keeping my house spotless or doing hundreds of sit ups to have a washboard abdomen. I have cut myself some slack and just tried to take it easy on myself, be more self accepting just as God made me. And not worrying about whether or not I have a man in my life. I have learned to enjoy learning - history, nature, different religions, what makes people tick and makes them do what they do - and most of all, helping others with sharing the bits I've learned along the way. Helping others helps us help ourselves. Some call it building one's 'karma'. In any case, keep busy so you don't become depressed, and read all the links Barbara had supplied here. Educating yourself may be the key to helping you build your own self esteem. It is a process, Rome wasn't built in a day. But this process is better than what you were living, walking on eggshells for someone and living with uncertainty and confusion rather than peace and authentic gentle happiness and enjoying life's small pleasures. All the best to you.

#6 Mar 15 - 9AM

quietude (not verified)

agree

I agree with rache, what's done is done. As you can see, you can't tell an N you're onto him and expect a good outcome. This is thinking of them like a normal person who you would confide in, they'd be genuinely sorry for their actions, for hurting you, and do whatever they can to be sure this doesn't happen again. N's are nothing like this! I never confronted my N because I knew I'd get more abuse and ugly rage...two things I could not handle, I was pretty fragile at the time. He de-friended you from FB? GOOD! Block all connections with him as well. Him doing it is an immature temper tantrum. You doing it is to save your sanity and health, and to rid yourself of this vile creature from your life once and for all. I would also tell your son that he should tell you if N contacts him, and that your son is not to contact the ex. Of course you're not a nasty person, and you certainly did not have to justify your actions to an N. They DESERVE our anger and all of the "nasty" treatment they got coming to them...BUT again as rache says, they just don't care. Telling off an N is like telling off the wall as far as expecting any kind of validation in return. The fact that they hurt us doesn't mean squat to them. Sad, huh?

#7 Mar 15 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

harleygirl2010

deserve our anger

I so wish I could get angry, i tend to get upset instead.... thanks for your reply it really did help and your right, he is having a tantrum.... he knows how sensitive I am and is probably carrying on with his life waiting for me to beg for him to come back....which Im not going to do this time. Hope your on the mend

#8 Mar 15 - 9AM

rache

IF you felt

like you needed to get it off your chest for you,then,whats done is done-if-he is a true narc he could care less anyway.Remain NC and forget he exists-he will be on to new NS soon enough.....

#9 Mar 15 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

harleygirl2010

thankyou

Yes I think I did need to get it of my chest, im going to be strong now and commit to NC

#10 Mar 15 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

harleygirl2010

you may have gotten it off your chest but you realize it had ZERO effect on him other than to tick him off... because he's NOT HUMAN!!!!!!!! BLOCK his emails, IMs, Texts, calls RETURN TO SENDER/ DELIVERY REFUSED on mail, boxes, flowers, etc.. CALL THE POLICE & DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR if he shows up at your home. Read: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/03/09/should-you-confront-narcissist-about-his-narcissism http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/22/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

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