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#1 Jan 9 - 2PM
fallingfoward
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I feel if I knew all the truth about the lies that he told me I could move on. I have even beg him, to just tell me the truth so we could both move on and eventually be friends. He makes me think that I'm crazy for even thinking he's not telling the truth. Do I really need to know the truth? How did some of you work through this?

Jan 10 - 6PM
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Thank you

Thanks for all your posts, I read and reread them. I even copied them and put them will my file, of articles that I keep with me when I out. They all spoke to me, any truth the narc thinks he gives me is a lie. I have to bring my own closure and know my truth. Hugs to all you brave women, :)
Jan 10 - 4AM
woollifted
woollifted's picture

I know what you mean. Even

I know what you mean. Even when my Narc was caught red handed he would lie lie lie! He couldn't even string a sentence together without lying. He even said lying was like breathing to him. When I finally gave him the boot he sent me a confession letter in an email and guess what? It was LIES LIES and more LIES. Couldn't believe that he could not even give me even the smallest detail of truth. I sit here and I think of how I caught him out in many of his indiscretions but what about the stuff I didn't find out about? Doesn't bare thinking about. I know you want the truth but how would you know he was finally telling you the truth if it happened? They warp us so much! Leave him in the psychologically warped bubble he is in while you find the truth and happiness within you. Let him spread his bullshit elsewhere. Hugs
Jan 9 - 8PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Mine wouldn't even tell me

Mine wouldn't even tell me that we were broken up or admit that anything was wrong, even though he was avoiding my calls and refusing to get together with me. He said we were "still friends," then disappeared for good. Talk about no closure. I unfriended him on FB - his chosen manner of contacting me intermittently - almost one year ago and haven't heard from him since, nor have I reached out to him on my own. I can honestly say that that's what helped me see the truth. Twelve months out and the fog is rapidly clearing so I can look back on everything and see the truth plain as day. You don't realize how blind you let yourself be to everything going on around you until you're completely, fully, 100% out of it. I feel so stupid now for not connecting the dots at the time and realizing what was going on with things that are now so blatantly obvious. Don't get me wrong - I'd love to hear it from the horse's mouth, and I'd especially love to hear it from one of his women "friends" or official exes, just to see how closely our experiences with him match up. But I also feel like I've put together a pretty clear picture of our relationship on my own, after the fact, just based on my own observations that I wouldn't let myself acknowledge then. It's helped me tremendously. And it'll happen for you, too, when your soul feels ready to deal with it.
Jan 9 - 8PM
Freedom101
Freedom101's picture

In this case..

...the truth does not set you free. Moving on comes with time. In my head, on my many go rounds, my goal was to get to the point where we could just be friends. That friend thing though was just me trying to find a way to hang on. Hanging on in any way shape or form is not healing. The last time I had come out of my denial, and as hard as it was, I just knew there was no option but complete NC. Eventually, you reach a point where it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter what they think of you, what you think of them, what was said or done or not said or done. You will just come to the realization they're not good for you and even a friendship isn't worth it to your mental health. It takes time, but you get there in the end. This doesn't mean you won't think about them. I'm 9 months in and still think, but I'm now thinking with my rational brain and that tells me I'm well out and any woman who is in is suffering what I suffered and I'm not missing out on one thing.
Jan 9 - 7PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

If you ever knew the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth you'd lose your damn mind! They are just that screwed up!! If they are breathing - they are lying. There is no truth and the moment a grain of truth might sneak in the narc rewrites history to cover it up. As egates said, the only way to move forward is to let it go...let it all go...and focus on you. Healing you is where the reward lies and where the truth really is. Your truth is the one that matters. His "truth" is just a glitter-covered turd you want no part of.
Jan 9 - 3PM
strong_enough
strong_enough's picture

They can't take

They can't take responsibility for themselves or their actions because then what would that say about them? My Narc continues to deny an affair he has been having for almost 2 years, despite LOADS of circumstantial evidence. Although he did say at one point, "I don't want you to tell people that I left for another woman." He just could not face that reality or the shame linked with his choices. I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy playing PI to try to and "pin down" his lies and I was able to get some questions answered, but he STILL denied his involvement with her, even after I caught them together. I have accepted the fact that I will never get closure from him and that the more time and energy I put into investigative work, the longer it will take me to heal. At some point, I must just "move forward" and be satisfied with what I know. It is no longer about them, but about us. Focusing on them keeps us in a stagnant, stinky place - we must stay on the Path Forward.
Jan 9 - 3PM
Looking Ahead
Looking Ahead's picture

I hate to say it...

But there IS NO TRUTH. These people are liars to the core. Even if they WANTED to tell you the truth, I don't think they could. It's just not possible for them. And if you heard the "truth," would you REALLY believe it anyway? I know I wouldn't.
Jan 9 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Talking to these freaks only

Talking to these freaks only keeps you in a vicious cycle.. You will never get the answer you are looking for.. These Narcs are simply nuts.. You can't reason with unreasonable.. Do you like Scrambled Eggs?? Keep talking to him because that's their dish of choice..one mixed up mess.. Now it's time to move on .. It's time to heal.. NC,Read, thearpy, one on one with Goldie.. Hunter
Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Yes.

Yes Hunter, I know your right girl. I'm going to reread the Path Forward and do the steps. I want off the roller coaster.
Jan 9 - 3PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

My relationship and most that

My relationship and most that I've read about on here end with no closure...they leave us hanging with questions, concerns, doubt,...that is part of the Narc acts of punishments and the reason why we have such a hard time moving on!!!!! You do not need to know the answers to move forward. Follow Lisa's steps from her book....When you are writing the letter(s) to him...include this....You may want to write a letter of entirely questions....get them all out!! Then with time....the desire to KNOW...will begin to fade and the desire to KNOW about yourself will become brighter!!! You will NEVER get the answers you need from him...dont even bother asking him....he will only take it as a feed to his ego....do NOT give him that satisfaction!!! It's about YOU now!!! xoxo
Jan 9 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Unfortunately, I think it's

Unfortunately, I think it's our wanting to have closure and the answers that is partly to blame for going back to the N. I can say this is true in my experience. As echoed by the other members above, there isn't any closure and taking him back (as I did) or communicating w/ him will only serve to play w/ your mind for a longer period of time. Their identities are built on lies and manipulation and unfortunately you won't get the answers you're looking for b/c the N can't access them (b/c of their lack of empathy and not being in touch w/ their own feelings)...and the fear of being exposed. Your work is YOU, so take care of you! Easier said than done, but it's the only way :) xx
Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Him not admitting to his lies

Him not admitting to his lies was the hardest part to deal with. He had or was working on OW before we split. He would die before he admitted it. The proof was there and I still had trouble saying he had OW, just because he would deny it. I would constantly replay shit in my head thinking I was crazy, maybe I was over reactting, maybe I was seeing things that were there. A girlfriend looked at me and said "deep down, you know". Now that I am out of the fog, that asshole is just a lying crazy bastard. When you see him for what he is, a disordered fuckhead with crazy-making ways, YOU JUST KNOW. Just keep going forward in your healing and "you will know". Trust yourself, not him. He is a liar!
Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
kungpowcat
kungpowcat's picture

oh god...

I am using your line.....DISORDERED FUCKHEAD WITH CRAZY MAKING WAYS. Exactly. I even told him at one point that I felt MIND FUCKED, and he argued with me over that. I am struggling right now with NC ( 6 days now, had to start over b/c I was a dumbshit and fell for the xmas bullshit of missing me and still loving me and blah blah blah) BUT I really really REALLY want to call him up and tell him what lying fucker he is and I hope he slides under a gas truck and tastes his own blood. But I KNOW it will do me more harm than good in the end. He owes me money (shocker there), and I keep thinking I want it back, but then I realize that is the price I pay for keeping him away from me. argh!
Jan 9 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
laxl
laxl's picture

"Disordered f-head with crazy-making ways"

Oh thank you so much for saying it like it is. How do we let these manipulative f---'s torture us and keep us from happiness? We suffer not because we miss them and their mind-f-ing ways... we suffer because we gave our hearts away to jerk-offs who stomped on them like our love meant nothing. The more time that goes by, the clearer the picture becomes. And the stronger we become. Yes, there are tears along the way, but not for loss of a jackass. For the loss of a love we THOUGHT we had. It was just a dream. Let's keep looking for reality. Thank you to all on this website who have suffered but not given up. Thanks to the women who encourage us to move forward when we don't think we can do so.
Jan 9 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Ditto Redhead1

Ditto Ditto Ditto
Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

great advice

Trust myself, not him. That is such a empowering statement, Thank you. I going to post that on my mirror. Thanks :)