Desparate for Validation...

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#1 Jul 7 - 9PM
sassyredhead
sassyredhead's picture

Desparate for Validation...

We were heading down to the riverfront On July 4th to walk and let our daughter and her friend take in the sights. We were talking. NH says he is almost out of vitamins {the kind he takes for his erectile problems - probably related to his porn addiction but that is another post}. He says he has to buy more vitamins. I offered to buy more vitamins for him, since he will be away for job-related training the next week. He says he needs his vitamins "now" because he won't be able to "perform". I say, "It's not like you're going to be 'performing' because you will be away." He says, "You never know." I say, "I don't think that is particularly funny," and lapse into silence. Watching someone turn around in the middle of an intersection on the way to the parking garage. NH says something. I don't hear what he says, but am afraid he is talking to me and if I don't acknowledge him, he will get mad. I say, "Are you talking to me?" He says, "Sorry" in kind of an attitudinal way. I say, "What are you sorry for?" No answer. Wait about 30 seconds to a minute and ask, "What did you say to me?" He says, "I said, you're impossible!" I say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. It was mean." NH slams on the car brakes, making my seatbelt dig into my arm and shocking the two 9 year-old girls in the back seat of the car into silence. He lays into me about copping an attitude with him. He asks me if I can be pleasant the rest of the day or whether we should just go home. So shocked and upset that he would slam the brakes on like that with two kids in the car that I tell him to just take us home. Spend the rest of the ride home trying to explain why I got upset at what he said. He says I am picking a fight with him; he was just joking. I tell him that what he said wasn't funny; he was pushing my buttons and also insulting me. He says he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me; I always pick fights with him. He apologizes if what he said hurt me, but then quantifies that by saying I pick fights with him. I call him on the non-apology, asking how he can claim to understand why I would be upset by what he says but then turn right around and BLAME me for getting upset? I also questioned him about slamming on the brakes like that, and he says that he was going uphill at 3 MPH and I must've had the seatbelt on wrong if it dug into me and hurt me - bruised me.

Help me, please! I am so desperate right now for someone to tell me I didn't overreact to what he said - that even if he was joking, nothing he said was remotely funny... and that I had a legitimate reason to be upset by what he said. That I wasn't picking a fight. I am in the process of trying to figure out which of us is the "disordered" one... I am hurting so bad!!! I don't know whether to take my daughter and run - or whether I should try to change again for him. I can't live like this though... If you read my other posts, you know about the porn addiction and the insults directed at me for being boring in the bedroom... I am so desperate for validation. God, it hurts!!!

Jul 11 - 1PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

He led you into a

He led you into a conversation that he then could drama into a scene. They do this whenever there is a birthday, holiday, christmas, or other happy event. You were victimized, abused, and made to feel fear. the litle girls in the back were promised a fun 4th and got a silent ride home in fear. this man is crazy and your daughter is learning that women can be controlled through fear. It is not a good lesson. the other little girl, if it was a school friend, will repeat what happened hurting your daughter at school and making the other girls parents very upset if she repeats the terrible experience she had. Find a safe time to go and stay gone. You can go when he is traveling. There are no vitamins for his problem; sexual or mental.
Jul 11 - 1PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

your daughter and the other

your daughter and the other girl in the car were exposed to a very nasty experience instead of the fun 4th they were promised. Instead they went home in silence and fear. It is time for you to go. He led you into a conversation that was related to sexual dysfunction and then he re-acted when you probed him about being unfaithful. the porn thing isn't great either. There is a child living in that house that is in emotional danger and you are feeling in danger also. take the safest route to the front door when he is traveling and stay gone. Don't teach your daughter that women need to be afraid and controlled she will do what she has experienced and seen you do.
Jul 8 - 4PM
sassyredhead
sassyredhead's picture

Thank You!

God, ladies. Thank YOU! I can't believe I would ever doubt myself or not know "which end was up" but that is how I am nowadays - constant second guessing. Thank you for the validation. You keep me from drowning in my tears...
Jul 8 - 12AM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

sassy

Honestly, every time I read a post I feel like I'm reading about my NH; they are all exactly the same...it's their pathology. Mine too would slam on the breaks nearly throwing me through the windshield. So absurd. NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You my dear, are NOT the crazy one. He is. He is manipulating you so obviously. I promise if you stay he will eventually make you believe that you are the crazy one and you will begin apologizing for HIS behavior. It only gets worse, my God it only gets worse. Take your child and run for the hills. I know ALLLLLLL about the porn addiction and not being able to perform. My husband after less than a year of marriage could no longer get it up unless HE was in the mood, and it always had to be porn sex. Disgusting. That ALONE will destroy a marriage. They are incapable of genuine intimacy. Incapable. You will be left crying yourself to sleep many nights (I'm sure you are familiar with this). It's a horrible way to live. He will only become more desensitized to you sexually to where you will have no sex life. He will masturbate only to porn. There's no helping him. Period. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 7 - 11PM
CSparks (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wow

Yeah. You know how to put on a seatbelt right? I know you do. You'd have to try really hard to fail at it. I know you're not a complete imbecile like he wants you to think. How is it that you're in any position where you have to hear that kind of crap? It's because there's something wrong with HIM, NOT you.
Jul 7 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sassyredhead

This sounds like every single conversation I had with my exNH the last 6 months. I have 2 words for you: NO CONTACT!!! Get rid of this idiot so he doesn't put you thru these mind games. You did NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~ The games narcissists play - Shifting blame A common bully tactic. It goes right along with changing the subject and making accusations. As long as he can somehow make you believe that it was all your fault, he's off the hook and you're either left wondering what just hit you or you're falling over yourself (and him) to make it up to him. If you go for the latter option, there is a good chance that he will milk it for all it's worth. It's not always your fault though. It could be his boss, the clerk at the grocery store, the bank teller, the guy who cut him off on the freeway, a lack of sleep, a worrying situation … anyone or anything at all as long as it's not him. Blame shifting is not always obvious because it is not always directly linked to the situation at hand. For example, you complain that he's been touchy and short with you for over a week. A direct blame shift would be to say something like, "that's because you didn't fetch my suit from the cleaners last Tuesday". You were the cause and you're getting the consequence. It's an inappropriately extended punishment, but at least there's a straight line relationship between the two things. With an oblique response, he could have said something like, "well, I blew my job interview on Wednesday." Now you are meant to take up the delightful task of extricating from him exactly why he believes he blew the interview, which at the end of a two hour session will come down to the fact that he felt uncomfortable because he could not wear his favourite suit …. Because you never fetched it from the cleaners." If subtlety is his strength and he knows that it works on you, he would have stopped at the point of not being able to wear his favourite suit and left you to come to your own guilty conclusion as to whose fault that was. A different type of indirect relationship between cause and effect is that he tells you he's been nasty to you because his lucky pen was stolen a week ago. It has nothing at all to do with you, but it shifts blame away from him. Now the cause of your misery is no longer him, it is the unknown person who stole his pen. Either way he wins. If nobody in the situation is to blame, then there is no way to resolve the problem. If you are to blame, then you must fix it. As for him, he is just an innocent victim and utterly blameless, therefore unable to do anything at all to find a solution, but totally justified in being a sod. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-blaming.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ The games narcissists play - Putting you on the defensive Nobody can do this as adeptly as a bully. Accusations, real or imagined past offences and personal criticism of you are their three favourite tools to this end. Anything to get you hopping and get the focus off themselves. They also use questions that are skillfully worded and artfully delivered. They use facts that they distort ever so slightly so that they are hard to correct. They use skewed logic to turn a situation around from them being guilty to us being the cause. Whichever specific tactic they use, the result is the same: we feel we have to explain, justify, correct and somehow prove our innocence and good intentions. Think for a moment how often you hear yourself saying, "but that's not what I meant", or "but I only meant ..."? These phrases are indicative of a defensive posture and the moment that you begin to defend yourself against verbal abuse you have already lost. As hard as it is, avoid responding to these tactics. Allow yourself to lose the battle because if you don't it will escalate into the war that they're aiming for. If they try to goad you, which is highly likely - they hate silent responses - revert to the techniques for setting boundaries. Refuse to engage and walk away. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-attack.html
Jul 7 - 10PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Are you in Ohio? Were you

Are you in Ohio? Were you at the riverfront in the Falls? If so, we are neighbors. PLEASE, you are NOT the "disordered" one. He wants you to think that. His comment was cruel and not funny at all. My ex-N made comments like that all the time and then said he was joking and I was too dramatic and sensitive. Once he said, "I was thinking about renting out my spare bedroom to a model or flight attendant." They are only out to hurt you. Take the slamming brakes and the potential injury to the children as a HUGE warning. You suffered a bruise. The could've suffered worse. My neice at the age of 9 was in a "minor" accident and the seatbelt caused an internal injury that didn't surface for a few days and put her in the hospital, almost killing her. I know it will only get worse. The rage gets worse, the comments get worse. I know you're hurting, trust me. Everything will be your fault (you had the seatbelt on wrong). And I can assure you he needed his vitamins to perform when he was away. You'll never know because they are masters of deception, hiding it well. It's a game to them. See how long they can get away with it. Mine got away with it. I never had the smoking gun, but I knew and finally found someone who slipped some info. Oh, and I got herpes from his infidelity that he denied. If you are local to the Falls, let me know. We will get together...
Jul 7 - 10PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sassyredhead

Oh my God...please, you SO did NOT over-react!!! He SET YOU UP, mine did this to me too! They make button pushing statements and then watch us to see how we react. They LOVE to hurt us, the get perverse pleasure in it. Then, they get to shift blame on us for reacting this way (as a normal person does when attacked), and try to make us feel guilty ("I was ONLY kidding!!! As in, can't you take a joke??) How terrible you endured this, including the physical pain of your seat belt hurting you, and potentially hurting your daughters. Also, them also witnessing your NH totally demeaning and abusing their mother....poor things. With narcs, it's always tit-for-tat. He says he's sorry (ya right) when he picks a fight, BUT "YOU DO IT TOO". I swear, my ex-narc could never take blame for anything without including me in the blame. It's B.S. Hon, you are in a lose/lose battle. You can't argue with a narc and win. They are VOID of human decency. He's manipulated the situation so much (typical) that you are confused as to who is right or wrong. I can tell you, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. He is a complete ass. There is only one way to end this kind of hurt, but you have to be the one to decide where to go from here. I know it's hard, but it doesn't have to be this way.