Dealing with triggers/fear.

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#1 Jul 10 - 9AM

PhoebeR

Dealing with triggers/fear.

How do any of you deal with "triggers"? Like seeing the N when you have cut them out of your life. My ex-friend who I know was an N, is my trigger. The problem is we work in the same building and are sometimes on the same projects. I avoided an in person meeting and opted for conference call out of fear she would be there. And as soon as I heard her voice on the call i knew i made the right choice. She is my trigger, if I see her I will fell bad about myself and feel sad. I was at a mall in her neighborhood yesterday, i needed to go to a specific store that was in that mall, and that whole time i was paranoid I would run in to her. I don't even know if she goes to that mall, but i was still freaked out. Towards the end of my shopping i was waiting for the associate so I could pay, and i stood their, panicked, thinking OMG if i stand here too long i might see her. It's awful, I have a constant fear that I will see her or that she will come by my house, its awful. How do you all deal with this fear?

#2 Jul 13 - 9PM

happysoon

It has taken me baby steps

It has taken me baby steps but a week after I broke it off with him I changed my facebook status to single...caused drama...it was tough...then we went back and forth texting...up until a few days ago actually...last week I deleted him and two of his friends because they were constantly posting pics of them all out together and I am not part of that group anymore...It made me look like the bad guy but those two "friends" knew of some of the things he did to me but decided to believe his lies...(they are two women btw) Anyway facebook is not a scary place for me any longer, the triggers are gone....I am actually going through and un-tagging myself in abt 1000 photos, so I can just wipe him out of my life and start new :-)

#3 Jul 13 - 6AM

jules k

He is hundreds of miles away

He is hundreds of miles away and I do everything possible to avoid triggers, but i still can't escape them. I've avoided even the telly and the radio for months. Something always comes on to remind me of him. How sad am i?! x

#4 Jul 12 - 11PM

Hunter

You just have to deal, I'm to

You just have to deal, I'm to the point that I laugh at it! Mine narc name pops up everywhere , like St. M....... School, I was waiting at the spa and they called out M......... His names not Michael either. His name is everywhere drives me nuts. Maybe I never paid attention but in my opinion it's not that common, Now when I hear it I think " can you please just go away and leave me alone." Nope they never go away! Hunter

#5 Jul 13 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

PhoebeR

So the key to avoiding

So the key to avoiding triggers, is well to avoid them all together. The memories, places or things that remind us of the "N". Is that easier said then done? What happens when we run into them or find ourselves in a place that has memories. I guess we need to hold our head up high and remember we did nothing wrong, they are human like anyone else, but they dont feel things the way we do. I have ended the friendship because i dont want to be taken advantage of anymore. But she is still controlling me and i guess i just need it to all get better. To get easier. I know it will and to your advice Hunter, just deal with it and laugh through it. I will try that. Hugs!

#6 Jul 12 - 3PM

janine

Avoiding him

I must avoid mine at all costs, because the mutual attraction is just too great. Just seeing him or hearing his voice would be too much. A few days ago I couldn't help going past his house, because there was a route diversion and I was in a hurry. Knowing he'd welcome me with open arms it took all my strength to keep going. I'm still reeling from something so silly and had a horrible nightmare about him. Will it ever get better?

#7 Jul 12 - 9AM

dabussard

Seeing my N

Oh My if I see my N, I go weak in the knees and get butterflies in my stomach. Yes, even after all the terrible things he has done to me. If he comes up to me, its all over I can't think, no rational thinking... I don't care about the consequences... I live in the moment.. I am pudy in this hands... I am helpless and I can't resist him... It is so sad the power that he has over me... I am weak, when it comes to him... I am so attracted to him... It is sad a pathetic that I am like this... Never been this way about a man before... Horses yes, but not a man...

#8 Jul 12 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

Lobo555

I was exactly the same way

I was exactly the same way about CharlieSheenWinning! No matter how awful he was to me, I wanted him. I don't know how I'd feel now. I haven't seen him since he told me he was still in love with his ex-fiance and then married another woman (not his ex-fiance) whom he knew only briefly. I'd like to think I'd feel only disgust. But I don't know. I'm afraid to find out!

#9 Jul 12 - 2AM

michele115 (not verified)

Early on

We are in a hyper aroused state as a result of the trauma...each of us experience trauma coming out of these relationships to various degrees. I did not get therapy in my case; however, I read up on it...you may want to seek professional help with this, there are many approaches; however, it is important that you find someone skilled, do research on it yourself to see which methodology you feel will suit your needs - nonetheless, a key thing to note is that many have stated, that if it is an issue with c-ptsd, one must tread carefully because inadvertently it could exacerbate the trauma rather than heal it. Some of the newer methods devised to deal with this are essentially based on desensitization so that eventually you are conditioned to respond with less anxiety...nonetheless, the anxiety response we have is based upon a fear - it can be legitimate or irrational, I think the key is to put things in perspective. For me, it was a matter of mustering up the courage to actually walk through it fear and all but it takes time to build up that courage. Go easy on yourself and baby steps. What is the reality? You have bad feelings attached and association to these places of those bad feelings... BUT...these individuals are still human although lack human dignity but they still crap, bleed and die like the rest of us. In a public place, what power can this person really have over you except whatever power you give them? In an interpersonal relationship, yes a partner can become violent but the reality is in a mall or bus stop, very unlikely they will run up to you and beat you up...otherwise, the fear we have is more based in our mind - a creation we made of them and so at a certain point, we have to try to put things in perspective and realize the only power they have over harming us once we've decided there is a severance is whatever power we choose to give them in our minds. It will take time, it's not a switch you can turn off, but I'd suggest trying to really see these people for what they are which are bullies. Bullies are cowards at the core... Hugs!

#10 Jul 12 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

PhoebeR

Bad feelings and associations

Bad feelings and associations sums it up. I did a clean out of old items and clothes in my closet and drawers and anything that she gave me, which she did if something did not fit her, or we bought together i tossed. Too many memories, which brings up memories of the times when she tried to push me around and tell me what to do. " I think you should..." and fill in the blank.."sell your house".." not date that guy".." I have been watching your eating habits and here is what I think". None of this feedback solictied by me at all BTW. It's hard to exaplain and grasp that yes, I have trauma. Same trauma I had when my marraige to a "N' broke up. I was in therapy for that, and was able to deal with the issues and move on. He and I are friendly, but as I have learned, i know when to not be so accomodating. I know I am giving her too much power, I am sure she does not worry about running into me, or care really. I had gotten over this and was feeling better about myself, then she makes contact with me and BAM! I am back to that place again.I think it will take time. I have considered going back to therapy, my sessions ended because I was over the end of my marriage and had moved on, but i dont want it to look like I am taking a step back but going again. I would like to think I can handle this on my own. But its hard.

#11 Jul 11 - 11PM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

I have had to change ALOT to avoid triggers in early phase of NC

AND IT HELPS EASE THE PAIN! I live 2 blocks from him too. I have mutual friends. we have the same charity work. for weeks 1-4, I was in total obsession- drive bys, checks on FB, looking for him and the OW everywhere! and it hurt hurt hurt so badly. I saw soon there was ZERO benefit to the checking. except searing pain. now I avoid it all. and I go out of my way to do this. and ya know what- at week 6- I feel some peace, some sanity , some HOPE for a better future. GO TO ANY LENGTHS to do NC 100%. I am here to say it helps your ailing heart. I am so glad I have created the discipline this last 2 weeks to do this. My heart hurts like hell still0 but I can feel it is beginning to heal. I am very encouraged. I will make NC my #1 priority. and this means NO CHECKING!! I am here with you on this journey, back Home to your wonderful Self. Blessings!

#12 Jul 10 - 6PM

really

This is tough and I feel for

This is tough and I feel for you. I live just a few blocks from the N and running into him is a possibility every day. Initially, I had to work around him. I walked my dog earlier, shopped outside the n'hood, didn't go to the local places we used to go together any more. Even now, 18mos later, I find it easier to avoid than deal with all that comes w/ running into him. But, it does happen. I just ran up the block to the gas station for ice cream. Should've skipped the calories (even though it's HOT and I'm sick right now). He was there getting gas in his motorcycle. I don't think he saw me since he charged at the pump and I was inside. But it didn't matter. He took off and all I could think about is where he's going, how my life feels small compared to his, and how much fun I used to have with him, and how much fun he'd have tonight wherever he was going. Triggered everything. I don't know how to stop that either, I'm afraid. The only thing that seems to work for me at all is to intentionally remember the bad things and that he is and will always be hopeless.

#13 Jul 11 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

CathyAust

That describes my feels EXACTLY

I hear your pain and I am sending positive thoughts your way. i know exactly what it is like to remember the fun and when you see them. I too live 2 blocks from my N who I lived with and brought a puppy for. It is searing searing pain and I am 5 months in. I have wriiten myself a letter of all the shocking things he did and read it when I miss the good times. My friends and family continually ask me to have faith there is someone out there for me is is worthy of my love and he was not - hope this helps.

#14 Jul 11 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

Lost

So true ...

.... 'My friends and family continually ask me to have faith there is someone out there for me is is worthy of my love and he was not' ... So true CathyAust - mine have been doing the same thing and so has my psychologist ... I like your idea of writing a letter of all the bad and shocking things he did as a reminder.

#15 Jul 10 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

PhoebeR

It is tough glad I am not alone

i am glad I am not alone. The worst part is working in the same building. In the morning, I take my phone out when i walk to and from the parking garage and elevator, just on the off chance i run into her, i will have something to look at, or pretend I am on the phone. Pathetic! But to someones point earlier, what am i afraid of, I did not do anything wrong. I guess its hard not to obsess, but like you I think of the bad things, and know I really did not do anything wrong except see her for what she is. The work thing can't be avoided so i pretend everything is fine and remember business is business and if i do have to interact, do my work, and cry later. This too will pass, i know but for now it sucks.

#16 Jul 10 - 9AM

Sparrow

You will have to work really

You will have to work really hard on overcoming that issue. What does she do to make you feel bad? How come she gets this sort of reaction from you? Explore all of these questions and work on the answers. No one should have that sort of power over you. If she is a narc, she is weak on the inside, don't allow her to intimidate you! Good luck!

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