Dealing with the OW

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#1 Feb 28 - 4PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Dealing with the OW

Taking a moment to vent here:

He's deleted from my FB. I'm getting better at not checking his page. I haven't had contact with him for months. It still hurts, but I can deal with that.

What's driving me insane is his latest floozy, who seems compelled to comment on the posts of every mutual friend he and I still share, so even though we're not FB friends, she shows up in my news feed. I can't get away from her.

In a lot of ways, I can almost see desperation in what she's doing. It doesn't matter how insignificant the post - she feels the need to chime in on every single one of them. It's blatant. It's like she wants to be noticed, and like she thinks as long as she's RIGHT THERE, in with his friends, in with his family, HE can't get away from her.

I couldn't stand her to begin with, even before he and I were defunct. Now the sight of her in my news feed, when I'm just minding my own business with MY OWN FB FRIENDS, makes my skin crawl. I keep picturing him with her, and I can't stand it. It's not like I'm even seeking her out - I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and staying away from his life. SHE'S bringing that life BACK into MINE, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Under any other circumstances, I would feel sorry for her, this grown woman who seems incredibly insecure. This is junior high crap, what she's doing. It's sad. Unfortunately, my ego is sort of feeling junior-high-ish. She's making me feel horrible. She was with him after me. For all I know, she still is, and I'm not up for having that visual reminder shoved in my face every time I turn on my computer.

Advice on how to cope?

Mar 2 - 10PM
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

BLOCK IS YOUR FRIEND

Block her....

stay~strong

Mar 1 - 5AM
momoya
momoya's picture

You can both Block and Hide

You can both Block and Hide someone on FB so you don't have to view any of her updates or comments. Look into it.

momoya

Mar 1 - 5AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Thanks so much to everyone.

Thanks so much to everyone. I will be blocking said floozy immediately. :-) Hopefully someday I'll be able to think of her and feel bad for her - she's obviously got a lot more insecurities than I do, and I know how bad he tore ME apart with his treatment, so I can only imagine what she's going to be going through. But right now, I'd prefer not to think of her at all.
Feb 28 - 7PM
Samantha
Samantha's picture

MandyM: how to Facebook block

Yes, you most certainly can block someone on FB if they're not on your friends list. I did it to the N's wife. Go to account, privacy settings, block lists. Enter her name and enjoy the silence. She will not receive notification that you blocked her. I am a huge fan of blocking the narc and anyone else in his circle from my life and my Facebook. I can't begin to explain how big of a step this was in helping me recover.
Feb 28 - 6PM
titta22
titta22's picture

MandyM!!!

Block her!!! Then her comments won't show up at all!
Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MANDY

How do you "block" someone if they're not your FB friend...even if you go to their "page" *not being friends* will FB still block?
Feb 28 - 4PM
newpage
newpage's picture

Ugh!

Very upsetting! I feel like I want to have a panic attack every time I log into FB because I am still 'friends' with the ex and the new girl. Because I work with her and she doesn't know about my past with him, for sort of political reasons I feel like I can't remove her. Temporarily I have deactivated my account, just because I can't deal with any of it. I just asked all my friends and family to contact me via phone or email until I am back up. The space feels good, honestly. However, I know that I am missing out on a ton of networking possibilities because of it. Is she a mutual friend of yours, so she shows up in your newsfeed? There should be a way to remove her from the newsfeed so that you can't see anything she says period...or just block or defriend? FB can be so empowering, yet so destructive at the same time.. Hugs, NP
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

FB is terrible during a time

FB is terrible during a time like this - esp if he is the FB type. I mean I've had FB since it began, but i'm not on it a whole lot. i keep it for staying in touch and networking. but the narc was on it allll the time. probably to talk to other women. and it drove me close to insanity. i felt rage, jealousy, hatred, really nasty stuff towards these other "floozies" - honestly, i knew that wasting my energy on these OW was a waste of time and emotions. i was going through enough negativity - and as somebody said to me, it isn't about the other girl, she could be anybody - she is replaceable. honestly, that made me feel a little like shit, bc that meant i was replaceable too. but whatever, we all know this now... well as for FB, its just dangerous during this time. for me, i had my friends change my password and deactivate mine until i was better. i would ask for it when i was weak, and they wouldn't give it to me. now i am grateful. and honestly, i haven't had fb for months now, and i don't even miss it. i will get it back eventually, but his OW are all about Fb and spend allll of their time on it. FB is addicting, but it might be nice to break that addiction and just get away from it. block all of them and then step away from FB. i think that NC also means NC with his page his friends' pages or any pages that remind you of him. good luck MandyM. i am sorry you are feeling like this, but you can do this and we will all stand by you. a big hug.
Feb 28 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Great comment, Dazed and Seeking

My exN blocked me on Facebook, supposedly at his wife's insistence after she found out about our affair. At the time it didn't bother me but in hindsight that was such a blessing. I am NC from him for four months now but to be honest I would check the wife's FB page everyday. She had her page pretty well guarded but I could still see her profile picture. I use to torture myself by using that pic to try to read into their relationship. Picture of the two of them meant they were happy, a picture of her and the baby meant she was getting smart and was getting ready to kick him out. Ugh. I was a mess. I'm actually smiling now as I write this because we all know a picture doesn't show the truth. I was able to truly move on and heal when I blocked her and removed that temptation. You are so right - no contact means not keeping in touch with him in any manner.
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

No, she and I aren't FB

No, she and I aren't FB friends, but she's friends with him and a number of the mutual friends he and I still share. It's those friends' posts she's commenting on. I don't know - can I still block her even if we're not friends? I'd mess around with it, but I wouldn't know what I was doing, and I have this vision of her getting an e-mail saying "MANDY HAS JUST BLOCKED YOU!" and she'd be tipped off to the whole thing. Like I said below, unless he told her he and I had a thing for awhile, she would have no idea; I don't even know if our mutual friends were aware. I'd prefer to keep it that way.
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yea but...

if that hypotheticaly WERE to happen which I don't think FB announces when one is blocked, you could always say the "notifications" were just toooo much...lol I do think however, the only way you can "block" is if you were friends to begin with... Not sure how you'd get her to "vanish"...that sucks... anyone else know how?
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
newpage
newpage's picture

Gross, yeah, I hear you.

Gross, yeah, I hear you. Personally, I think you should just write Mark Zuckerberg asking him to delete her ass. Oh, and the N's too while he's at it! But, that's just me! :) I would keep poking around on Google for an answer, or even write FB customer support an innocuous email saying 'Hey, I would rather not see this person's updates- we share mutual friends, how can I not see this..' There has to be a way to not see what she is doing! Good luck, NP
Feb 28 - 4PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sergie Pretty Much Nailed it

I can't say it any better. While it hurts the reality is, this woman is just as much a victim. Try to put on your empath hat... Lord knows if they were so happy and their relationship was so functional...she'd be secure... You know why she's insecure. He doesn't love her...but she doesn't know it yet? He can't love? So, really, there is nothing vile you should feel towards this woman other than "pity"...she really hasn't walked away with the prize...more like the plague... I'll add that the ex narc has stepped it up a notch...they have matching "couple" pics on FB...if they only knew how pitiful I see the both of them...she looks used up, washed up, tumbled in seaweed, I dunno...and he's there in all his narcness...truly a comical sight...both pathetic and the truth darling...I so feel this in my gut...it's not jealousy...she looks like Courtney love BEFORE rehab!... Pity the fool...you are much better off. You're the one who got away! Hugs!
Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Intellectually, I know she's

Intellectually, I know she's a victim. But the bitch in me keeps wanting to wail, "SHE'S NOT EVEN PRETTY!!!!! I AM *SO* MUCH HOTTER THAN SHE IS!!!!!" We never outgrow it, do we?
Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You need to see my FB postings

All indirect jabs...but it's MY page right? hypothetically I could be talking about ANYONE...LOL
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

LOL!!

LOL!!
Feb 28 - 4PM
Sergie41
Sergie41's picture

MandyM

The way I see it, she is VERY insecure. And xn most likely (like the victim he is) used you to catch her. He must have filed her with his victim stories of how much he love and cared for you and BLAH BLAH. So this woman very well could be insecure about you especially. looks like jealousy to me. I would just blow it off and know that she has NO IDEA. blow it all off. She's making herself look like a creeper posting on everything you post. People will notice. Let her make herself look like an idiot. She will feel like an idiot soon enough
Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I think I need to clarify -

I think I need to clarify - she's not posting on my posts, but on the posts of mutual friends. I'm sorry I was unclear - I was irritated and speed-typing. :-) She can't see my posts, unless they're comments I've made myself on those friends' pages, and that's not what she's doing. She's just basically responding to everything THEY have to say. Truthfully, I'm not sure she knows about me and him, unless he told her; they got together several months after he left me, and she and I knew each other years ago and haven't spoken since then. It probably isn't fair of me to be so judgmental when I haven't spoken to her, but I wasn't fond of her back then, and I'm less fond of her now.