Dealing with cheating issues

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 31 - 10AM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Dealing with cheating issues

Hi all.

I have been reading up on cheating behavior in men. And I wanted to share this with you for what it's worth. I must walk away from this man. There is not other option!

Infidelity is defined as unfaithfulness by virtue of being unreliable or treacherous, cheating
(informal), adultery (betrayal of sexual partner, especially a spouse), betrayal, duplicity,
disloyalty, bad faith. Simply defined, infidelity is the cheating on a relationship partner that
takes place despite a commitment to exclusiveness.

Infidelity can ruin lives of individuals, couples, and families…the act is never without serious
emotional repercussions for all parties concerned including the person cheated with. Families
are torn apart, people live in fear and constant mistrust because of it.

‘The truth is that infidelity is usually a quick fix to try to remedy deep and complicated issues.
While they may feel alive, young, and admired for a short period of time, there are issues that
need to be addressed and require more than instant gratification…’For cheaters, ‘SORRY’ is typically about as meaningful as the word ‘commitment’.

Only those truly dedicated to never cheating again and those willing to work at the deepest levels of their
subconscious to resolve the root-cause issues will succeed in being faithful. Being faithful should be natural and a feel-good state, not a struggle. Given the complex logistics involved in being unfaithful, the most a cheater can realistically be sorry about is in having been
found out since they would have had so many opportunities to reverse direction.

There are many kinds of infidelity from actual sexual betrayal (adultery) to emotional betrayal from online affairs and office flirtations.

Adultery is the sexual relationship that takes place
between a legally married man or woman and someone else and thus has a legal connotation.

While infidelity (cheating) is not well defined, the emotional carnage that results can be easily
agreed upon. Experts for the most part seem to agree that infidelity refers to both sexual and emotional attachments and actions carried out outside the committed relationship without the approval/agreement of the other party to the relationship. Therefore, sex is not always a factor when it comes to infidelity. Having a powerful emotional connection or flirtation with a
colleague or friend might just do it.

Cheating requires an individual to have (or develop) virtually all the character flaws most of us
would like to avoid in a committed partner…ability to lie, deceive, control, abuse emotionally
and often physically and to manipulate…. To cheat successfully one must possess many
detestable skills. Serial cheaters become masters at all of these through practice.

Significant integrity is certainly missing in those who are prepared to deceive and betray the one
person they are supposed to cherish and respect most. It gets frightening when you think that
you may be having dealings with someone who even their closest confidante and relationship
partner can’t trust!

Embracing infidelity will not serve anyone in the long run…it seeps into all other relationships to
the point that there will be no one who can be trusted to have anybody else’s interests at heart but
their own. It boils down to integrity and good character….if you make a commitment, honor it,
no excuses.

If you need help to do so, get it.
Rather then learn how to meet their needs within their relationship, some people feel it is easier
and less time consuming to fantasize with a stranger, then walk away when an emotional investment is sought by the cheatee.

If we allow ourselves to get desensitized to infidelity when it’s convenient to do so, we will
come to accept there are no sacred relationships and no behavior that should be reserved for one
person (or one family) only…at that point we are forfeiting some of our values as humans,especially the one called integrity.

Temptation has become so common that it’s more accurate to say that some people see infidelity
as a fact of life to be indulged in just because it’s handy (entitlement attitude) and less work then
learning how to meet their needs within their relationship…or simply getting out of an unfulfilling relationship before hurting all concerned.

Cheating still ruins relationships and family units, but it isn’t the instant deal breaker that it used
to be. Now instead of it demolishing a solid relationship out of existence, it just leaves it in3
shambles and more vulnerable to more cheating.

*The word “Sorry” seems to forgive everything from betrayal of spouse/partner to child abuse and theft these days.

Cheating is the emotional and psychological abuse of a partner and by accepting that cheating is likely to be part of one’s relationship one is required to lower their standards and self-respect to accept the behavior.

*The point that is often missed in all of this excusing of one’s behavior is that trust and integrity is
the cement of a relationship and it is the foundation of happiness.

*Breach that trust and diminish your integrity and you and your partner are likely to be no more then ‘friends with benefits’ in
the end. If your goal is to be happy in life, this is the wrong path.

Guilt is one of the strongest emotions that a person can experience. Guilt is the motivation for a
lot of what happens after somebody cheats on their partner. Even the good and loving things that the cheater does can be coming straight from their gut wrenching guilt over what they did…another deceit. Being extra attentive and considerate is often a cheater’s way of trying to
purge the sick feeling that plagues most people after doing what they know is wrong. This person also has a high likelihood of cheating again because they refuse to take full responsibility for their actions and to get help to understand what’s happening to them and their lives.

http://www.graceplacewellness.com/printpages/sexcheating.pdf

This info helped me see some things today! I already KNEW I had to leave him but this broke it down for me! I cried for 2 months knowing I had to let him go.

I made the wrong choice by loving this man I thought was faithful to me, had integrity in his word and character -loved and cared for me... but he had none of those qualities. If he needs to work on those qualities he can do that on his own. I want a man that already has those qualities doesn't need to 'work' on integrity or honesty or what it means to really love someone!!

this helped me see that I will never help him see or fix what's so broken inside himself! his audacity to bring this woman to our home and then treat me like he expected me to return to him!

Jun 1 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

they cheat physically,

they cheat physically, emotionally and finacially. They strip us of our spirit and our belongings.
Jun 1 - 7AM
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

This is so insightful! Love

This is so insightful! Love it. Why anyone would want to try and commit with a serial cheater is beyond me!.. obviously, he can't commit and will always cheat. Yes, i did cheat......ONE affair with who I thought was the love of my life (LOL). NEVER again. Big difference between he and I. I had an affair once, with him, and had complete regret and felt guilty and miserable the whole time. He goes from one to the other. No guilt, is entitled, has no problem being deceitful. Sad existence. xo
May 31 - 2PM
M
M's picture

cheating

Not only will the cheat on you, they will cheat in all aspects. My xnh maxed out the 2nd mortgage on the home without my knowlege. Great post.
May 31 - 11AM
empath
empath's picture

It's all about him...

This part of your post really spoke to me, BadaBing: "Guilt is one of the strongest emotions that a person can experience. Guilt is the motivation for a lot of what happens after somebody cheats on their partner. Even the good and loving things that the cheater does can be coming straight from their gut wrenching guilt over what they did…another deceit. Being extra attentive and considerate is often a cheater’s way of trying to purge the sick feeling that plagues most people after doing what they know is wrong. This person also has a high likelihood of cheating again because they refuse to take full responsibility for their actions and to get help to understand what’s happening to them and their lives." EVERYTHING they do, is for THEIR OWN SELF INTERESTS! BadaBing, you sound so strong and so resilient! YOu are SO right to go and find someone who already has integrity and good character, and does not have to "work on it". It should not be "work" to be a decent, trustworthy person!!! Is there anyone here, that has not been cheated on? I have had the distinctive honor simultaneously being ONE of the ones he cheated with and ONE of the ones he cheated on...I knew the old saying about "If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you..." I've posted bits elsewhere on this forum of how the affair developed, and I have owned my contribution for my own behavior, I was never out to hurt anyone. I remember saying to the N. at the beginning, "We both have families, there can be no collateral damage". The N. on the other hand was out to hurt EVERYONE. For too many people, it seems so much easier to start over fresh with someone who doesn't know what a jerk they are, than to go back and apologize to their partner, for not understanding how to get their needs met within a monogamous relationship with the person who trusts you and whom you have chosen to be your partner. In my situation, my marriage was dead and done, I know in my heart and soul that had done all I could. I am thinking now, that my ex-H may have been a N too...however since he is water under the bridge, I don't think I need to go back that far in time and "deal" with that; I'm thinking it makes no difference if you deal with the issues from the first N in your life or the most recent N in your life...they are all pretty much the same...as long as you come out knowing that you have done all you could to make them the LAST N in your life! (((hugs))) God bless you BadaBing, for helping us all be stronger.
May 31 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

This was a great for me to

This was a great for me to read this today! your comment For too many people, it seems so much easier to start over fresh with someone who doesn't know what a jerk they are, than to go back and apologize to their partner...oh for sure!! That is all the stories on here of N's picking up new women so quickly! that is why it works better for them that way! The EX wants me to ask questions about this girl. You said you were in both situations is there any reason for me to know about this girl? it seems the info would further hurt me. He hangs info about her like bait wanting me to take it . WHY? I know that they didn't just meet at the coffee shop and head home. Why didn't he go to a hotel? why bring her to our home? all this suggests his judgement is seriously flawed screw it - he's defective. He thinks he can win me back by putting me down? oh gosh I am so tired of him.