D&D

It sounds like you are unhappy about the "redecorating" of your home. I would not be at home if my walls weren't covered with family photos and happy memories. I would suggest putting your loved one's things right back where they were, and see how he feels about that. It's a start. And it might help answer some of your questions.

Hi Maggster...I have to agree with the other poster. You are still perceived by him as good supply. I suspect you haven't ruffled any feathers or made him work too hard. He probably loves that he has control over your relationship as well as you. You are basically his own personal barbie doll and he is treating you with no more respect than a doll. Believe me, I know how enticing these men are...they will say things like "I'm stuck in this relationship with a woman I no longer love", "I wish I was married to you instead", "You are the very best mistress/lover/girlfriend I've ever had", "All those other women are just there for sex, I really love you". But what they say and oftentimes what they do don't correlate...which is why these guys are master manipulators. You have to stop listening to the words and start looking at the actions. Narcs will not discard someone if they are still giving them what they need....whether it is a sense of control, sex on demand, complete adulation that fits in with their greater needs. You have been in the mistress role for 15 yrs...most women would not tolerate being the OW for that long so I'm sure he's glad to have you around but he's still devaluating you because Narcs can't truly love anyone. I also suspect he is still seeing other women besides you because Narcs hate routine and you have become part of his long standing routine. The question really is...what are you getting out of being with him?? Because you wouldn't stay if you were not getting something as well. What fears is he provoking, what hopes/dreams does he appear to be the answer to? You need to get to the root of that before you can leave him for good. Leaving without having those answers will simply lead to you 1. being more susceptible if he contacts you or 2. trying to get back involved with him. I would really suggest you work with a therapist to get to the root cause. You have so much to offer and this man is simply using you. I want to see you in a relationship where you are given back as much as you give and where you have a voice and a say and your place reflects you versus the demands of a disordered man. I also want to say that I thank you for sharing your struggle on this forum. It will likely resonate with some others on this board and hopefully help someone else in a similar situation to yours. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk as I know about things from the OW perspective (although Mr. N had girlfriends, not wives).

Hi Maggster - Even when narcissists D&D it isn't necessarily for ever. Some return, years later even, and hope to pick up where they left off/see if a one night stand is possible - the ultimate in manipulation/control/ego boost. Part of this is narcissists seem to be lazy, it takes time to groom supply, much easier to manipulate existing supply/return to old and recover the status quo there than secure new. If you are still providing supply he probably won't discard - even the conflict of your confronting him with the situation is providing his much needed 'fix'. Complete NC is the only way forward.

Because you still fill some supply to him. In some way. Also, if you are not pushing back on him in anyway, (yet), then he continues to get from you what he needs. Narcs, and my own exNH, is alot like yours. Perfectionist, sterile living and inflexible schedule....but, once I began to REALLY push against that and wanting us to live a real life with a real home, the shit really hit the fan and he dug in....and the D&D started in full. Ironically, the "house" that became a dividing line for us (the home he now lives in...beautiful and sterile as all hell), nothing personal whatsoever, he is now prepping to "rent out" so he can MOVE IN and (take over) the life of the OW. Its up to you to decide if this is how you want to live. Nobody "makes" you take down your kids photos and artwork. What is it about you that desires him over teh life you can so clearly see is not what you want? This shit is so hard. Believe me. We have a daughter together that get this - now he is on her that she is overweight and wants to "fix it". This with a fragile 12 year old grappling with the loss of her family, and he is focused on her weight (which is maybe 10 pounds over, and she is prepubescent). POINT IS...they NEVER understand the emotion and genuine human elements of people and lIFE...>They are transfixed on image above all and control of their bubble. Your choice remains to step out of it for good. Good luck. Hugs.