A day at a time

Reading alot of the members stories and the threads has helped me so much. My relationship with my exN was a horrific 6yrs and I always felt like I was in a competition where I was on the losing side. I started my own business three months ago; at first he was on board and ready to go. But he knew nothing of the industry and wanted to make major decisions. By the end, he fired himself and said he didn't want nothing to do with the business. Needless to say I have been doing well. He hated it! The day I made my first deal he argued with me. Looking back over the past few months we broke up 4 times! Each time he set it up so I looked like the irrational one. He told me I was using my background in psych to manipulate him when his arguments were being challenged. I was starting to see clearly for the first time. Then he threw a bomb at me. In one breath he said he could not live without me, but he may be bisexual, and he watched bestiality porn and illegal porn as well- I was frozen. I wanted to kick his ass out, but just a couple days ago he banged his head off the wall and put a knife to his throat, so I was scared to react. He had scheduled an appt for the counselor that week for us as he said he wanted to work through the issues, but he wanted me to know his skeletons before moving forward!!! As I write I question myself for being so f*cked up. For having a child with this monster. For not going with my instincts, for doubting myself. Even though my mind is consumed by him, I fight to get him out of my thoughts as he is not worth the energy to even think about.

I feel like a complete idiot...sometimes I feel like I want to run and hide, but that is self defeating. I am so happy I found this board!