Is dating a bad thing?

My premature attempts at dating seemed to make me more vulnerable to hoovering by the ExN. While I loved the idea of someone new, and liked getting out, I honestly have not been able to truly connect. Because I hadn't gone through the dark tunnel of grief and self discovery, I was NOT AT ALL emotionally available. It felt awkward as hell. Then the hoover would happen and those comfortable juicy feelings of connection would suck me back in. I wasted a year of my life in this cycle and DEEPLY regret it. I am now on a strict diet of no dating, focused self exploration, and acceptance of the uncomfortable aloneness which can and does occur. I KNOW that this is the only way to get to the other side so that I CAN be truly available for a quality relationship. My holidays suck this year as a result as I pushed away a quality man, but he deserves more than I can offer at this point and I deserve what is waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. It's not easy, but I am determined. This really is a one day at a time endurance test. Keep your eyes on the prize...YOU and a beautiful future!! xo

I have come to the conclusion after several bad one daters.....I am NOT datable just yet. I seem to have anger issues that lie unresolved and any potential narc traits I see in my dates got the broad side of my tongue in verbal sarcasm very quickly. Your using your dating as a replacement for the work we all must go thru, same as I was. Having never been allowed to express anger as a child or to have boundaries, the anger is a tough one to vent, I excel at suppression, something I am now working on with a therapist who has helped me in the past. She is truly a blessing. I will revisit whether to date or not once I have dealt with this. Could be a long while.

They will only take away your pain when you are with them, when they go you are still left with the pain...... To realy HEAL, You have to GO THRU THE PAIN BARRIER FIRST..... If you dont do that, then you will never be free....once you are free, you can then meet people, who you can CONNECT WITH ON A DIFFRENT LEVEL, THE PAIN WILL BE GONE.....GOOD LUCK...

Dating ,not dating, that's not the issue here.. You are looking to others for a source of healing.. You need to look to yourself.. " they take me away from the pain" this band aide isn't going to solve your problem.. Goldie offers telephone sessions ..also therapy .. Hunter

I am 3 years out now and have only felt like any dating the last year or so, i spent many years with the narc and you really do need time alone and to heal and work on any issues, and just get over the narc, it is a long process.being with someone now would only be a temporary high or fix. Too bad to hear about the male therapist, I have had nothing but men and found them most helpful from a mans perspective but some prefer women, just find a good one who will help you , irregardless of their sex.I am alone, without any kids at home, it is not easy but it gives you strength to know you can handle anything.................

I think we oftentimes think we are ready to go back "out there" when we truly aren't. The reason it is a good idea to take a break is so that you can look into what it is within you that caused you to be attracted to your XN and work towards healing it within yourself. Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself in another N relationship. everyone I do talk with or date..either has one thing in mind (getting in my pants) or a wife (who they claim they are separated from)...in other words..they are trash!! But non the less...they take me away from the pain for the time being. These are men who don't deserve you, I hope you realize this. From what you say in your statement above...men who want to 1. cheat or/and 2. have a one night stand with you provides you with a distraction from your pain...but I would argue that they truly don't. You are simply continuing the "objectification" with different men and that isn't what you deserve...you deserve someone who loves and respects all of you. I know it can be scary to be alone...but you really do need to take some time away from the dating scene for now. Just a few suggestions: Volunteer...there is nothing better than the good endorphines you feel for helping others. The recognition you receive will be for your generosity, not what you look like or being someone's sexual fantasy. Find a Hobby/Passion A lot of individuals on this website have found exercise to be a great way to get their minds focused back on themselves. You could also look into a talent or hobby that you would like to explore further. Therapy A therapist can work with you to uncover those wounds/misinformation that has carried over from your childhood into your adulthood and is leading you towards unhealthy relationships. I know you are 3 months out...but that is really a rather short time when you have such an intense relationship.