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THE DARK ABYSS OF DATING

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#1 Apr 30 - 3PM
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

THE DARK ABYSS OF DATING

It's been 4 months since the final d&d...but all of that time hasn't been NC...since we just had our last court date on April 26th. (Him wanting to clear his name from a site that outs cheaters...how dare I out him!)

For most of our 2 1/2 relationship I was extremely lonely & I believe the grieving process had already started while still in the "relationship" (or game is what I prefer to call it).

I have not been able to really put myself out there with anyone & I am sure it's way too soon. My aloofness only makes them chase me more. I don't call, I don't text, I don't care.I have felt ZERO chemistry with anyone.

One guy I was seeing for a little over a month went psycho on me yesterday...already looking for assurances that I wouldn't date anyone else. This made me really uncomfortable and I didn't like his tone with me. When I called him to politely tell him I didn't want to go on our date last night, I barely got out a few words when he started yelling and cursing as to why I was "pulling this shit" & "I was fucking blowing his mind"

Click...I hung up the phone & when he tried to call back I didn't pick up.

This guy was too much too soon...wanting me to meet his 15 month old daughter, looking for exclusiviity and talking about taking a trip together.

I definitely feel like a total psycho magnet.

I never thought I'd actually WANT to be alone. But I am actually enjoying meeting new girlfriends more...& I keep having more wonderful friends come into my life.

I am enjoying the small things...the things I couldn't appreciate or notice when I was living in my trance with the ExN.

I thought I HAD to give my heart to someone else to get over my ex N, but that isn't the case.

I feel at peace & my heart is mine again. It belongs to no one but my children, myself & God.

I remember a really empowering line from the movie "Sucker Punch":

"IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING, YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING"

The exN taught me that NO ONE will ever verbally abuse me, devalue or degrade me again.

Apr 30 - 8PM
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

You are so right Swan. ExN

You are so right Swan. ExN would hang up on me & I would be the one calling him back apologizing. I was so scared to upset him, anger him, have him d&d me for the ten trillionth time that I was walking on eggshells constantly. I never had the balls to hang up or just not answer his calls! I have come very far. Gratefuljen - Please know you can recover. I never thought in a million years I would have my sanity back. I couldn't let go, I couldn't get out. I wanted to keep him in my life at any cost....which we know is quite expensive when we allow ourselves to be abused. I am ME again. People in my life notice the change. I don't have this dark cloud around me. I am happy, smiling, laughing again. Don't get me wrong...it's not easy. It's excruciating and I still have a lot of work to do. But its so worth it to be out of their control & out of the misery.
Apr 30 - 4PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

I'm glad you hung up the

I'm glad you hung up the phone on that guy. I thought him wanting to meet his daughter to make his ex jealous was a huge red flag. You need to heal and give it more time. When you are in a healthy place, you WILL attract the healthy men. I know this is a cliche but you will meet someone when you least expect it. When you force it, it brings too much baggage. Giving myself at least a year has brought great benefits. I learned more about myself, became more spiritual, seeked therapy, focused my time on myself, friends, and family. I also tried new things that I would NEVER have if I was still with exN. I'm running my first marathon next Saturday. I would never have done that with him here. My sister would never have moved back if he was still here. My son is growing into an awesome young man and if the exN was still here, he would have withdrew more and there would have been more emotional injury to my son. The Narc is NOT worth it. You are worth to be treated with respect and honor. Not being yelled at (a form of abuse), thoughts and opinions disregarded, and threatened in any way. You are on your way!
Apr 30 - 3PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

Thanks hopeagain. I need to

Thanks hopeagain. I need to hear recovery. I am in grief right now. Grief for the loss that I thought the relationship was, grief for losing myself in this relationship, grief for letting myself get abused emotionally, physically, spiritually. Grief for losing my house, job, self respect. My financial security. Grief for losing five years of my life on a mother fucking vampire that used and abused me. Oh good back in the rage. Much better than sadness. Thank god for this site. I need to tell on myself. I dipped, texted him about what a sorry mother fucker I think he is....And it's been playing with me ever since. Did not have the reaction I thought it would have. Just brought up sadness. NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO. THANKS GUYS. I WILL TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY NOW. JEN
Apr 30 - 3PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Hope Again

You know it is WAY to early to date again, everyone is different and I realize that , but for me after 2 years out, i finally feel my heart is healing, even as recently as 7-8 months ago, I met someone but my heart was not in it and he could sense it and we only went out 3 times and he never called back. You really do need a lot of time to heal and that was interesting to hear what that guy you went out said to you when you did not want to go out on a date, very telling about the guy, real insensitive to push for more, plus you know you cannot give any of yourself now anyway. HEAL FIRST BY YOURSELF.
Apr 30 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Swan
Swan's picture

Hopeagain

"Click...I hung up the phone & when he tried to call back I didn't pick up." I am willing to bet that you never hung up the phone on the Narc when he was using abusive words with you! I know I never did until very recently. Think of how far you have come, and how quickly you realized this guy was a loon and pat yourself on the back. Be gentle to yourself. You deserve kindness.