Damnit, I'm back!

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 2 - 11AM

monilove

Damnit, I'm back!

Well with much shame and disappointment in myself, I am back and begging for help! I used to post here quite a bit and then successfully went no contact for a few months and thought all of this was behind me. But, like a dumbass I found myself being sucked right back in to my own personal hell of verbal and emotional abuse and yet another incident of physical abuse. Now my head is spinning, I am in excruciating mental and emotional agony, anxiety-ridden and depressed. I know now that I truly do hate this person, yet I am afraid to let him go again. I feel the pain of letting go is equal to the pain of staying in such a toxic, abusive relationship. One seems no worse or better than the other option. I have people that want to go out with me, spend time with, but I can't allow myself to do that because I am so filled with anger and hurt and terrified of unloaded sooooo much baggage upon others. So basically I am shutting down. I feel like I am dying inside. I feel like I can't go anywhere, do anything, have friends or do anything other than be with him, which inevitably leads to put downs, criticism, emotional attacks and abuse. He controls and invades every tiny aspect of my life and for the life of me, I don't understand why I can't let go once and for all. I'm at the end of my rope here. I feel like I'm forgetting how to have fu7n and how to be happy and free like I was before I began a relationship with him.
I want to be happy again.... How do I get there?
Monilove

#2 Feb 2 - 12PM

monilove

All of your feedback is appreciated

I love to come here and get slapped with a wet noodle by Hunter (LOL, with love) and everyone else! I come here for a dose of reality.... so all comments are taken to heart and never are they too harsh or critical. I need to be reminded of what an IDIOT I am. I know all of you know and understand how hard it is to let go of the N. I put in the work before and I know what needs to be done, so all I can do is keep trying. I still can't quite put my finger on why I keep going back for more of the same crap. I guess it is just familiar and comfortable, even though it is extremely uncomfortable!!! I need lots o' work! : ) Thanks ladies and my best to all of you! Monilove

#3 Feb 2 - 12PM

Stillstanding

Suffering isn't holding you.

Suffering isn't holding you. You are holding on to suffering. It will take a lot if work, self control, and discipline to move on. But you will be doing this for you, and you deserve to feel happy. I know it's hard I was with my ex narc for 8 years as well. I left him because I realized that life wasn't meant to be so miserable. I'm 15 days NC. I've endured so much abuse by him. The thing about humans is that we adapt so easily to our environment. That's why it's so hard for us to leave these unhealthy situations, they're the norm for us. You choose what kind of life you will have.

#4 Feb 2 - 12PM

agnesmurphy17

Control

He does not control every aspect of your life. YOU allow him to control every aspect of your life. YOU have to take back control. I don't know how you can do that because I don't know your particulars (married, children, own property together?). You have to decide whether or not you are done. Finished. When you are truly finished with a N . . . the N will vanish pretty fast. They have an instinct that the victim is no longer useful & there is nothing left to extract. They move on to a new victim from one day to the next. There's always a woman out there willing to listen to the sob story of a man who has been misunderstood & hurt in his heart by another woman. Take back control. It's not easy. I am sure you are suffering now. Ending an abusive relationship is very difficult. The victim is so traumatized & has wrapped her whole existence around her abuser. When she walks away, she walks into a void because the abuser has robbed her of free will & defined & consumed almost every walking & waking moment of her life. Yes it's scary. But, eventually, you can reinvent yourself & rediscover yourself without him consuming everything that you are & taking everything that you have.

#5 Feb 2 - 11AM

Movingforwardnow

Monilove

Nothing changes if nothing changes! When the pain is great enough you will change. And being free is much better than being in a Toxic relationship. It's is hard and painful and depressing and there is so much anger but there's also freedom, the ability to think for yourself, peace of mind, a great weight is lifted, you will start to realize you are worth it and eventually you will be happier free then you will ever be if you stay. Happiness is right around the corner and it's starts with No Contact. I can tell you what's around the corner if you stay: Heartache, abuse, humiliation, manipulation, control. Up to you to decide which corner you want to turn. Hang tough!

#6 Feb 2 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

You know why MF has powerful

You know why MF has powerful words... because she's feeling the pain and doing the work.. She not drowning in the drama.. Sorry MF for using you as an example but hard work pays off and it shows in your posts.. You are Moving Forward with power like a bulldozer every day.. Hunter

#7 Feb 2 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Movingforwardnow

Thanks Hunter

Yes I am moving forward! I decided to be done, I made a decision and I stuck with it. I am worthy. I CHOOSE ME! The answers are all right here on this forum. So much help is offered from Lisas book, to having a safe place to vent, one on one with Goldie, the support group. It's all right here! When the pain was enough for me I chose me and continue to choose me every single day. Two choices: 1: Live in misery at the hands of an abuser or...... 2: FREEDOM! Again, I choose me!

#8 Feb 2 - 11AM

shock and awe.some (not verified)

Dammit I'm back

I am so moved by your agony and confusion. If I were near you I would give you a big hug, take you to lunch, listen to you bitch and then we could laugh about all the stupid things HE does and the stupid person HE is. This site has helped me tremendously. I didn't even know what a narc was until i stumbled upon this sight..I hope he has not alienated you from friends and family. You may be surprized how supportive they are. some of them may be or have been in a similar situation. This site is a good place to vent and heal.. I am reading everything I can about narcs, p, pa behavior, pdi and cognitive dissonance. I compare it to attempting quitting smoking. I keep saying tomorrow...which hardly comes, when I do quit for a few days I am right back full force. It will take time. I am going cold turkey from nicotine and my ex narc. It's the only way for me to get the toxins out of my system. Just remember gf...every failure brings you closer to success. You did not ask for this...it was imposed on you.

#9 Feb 2 - 11AM

spinning

MONI, please consider

Hunter's post. What you feel is exactly what is happening to you. You are dying spiritually and emotionally. Why is that "less painful" than letting go of an abuser who will just continue to do that and opening the doors to a fun, happy, life filled with love? Is a few months of "pain" less important than THE REST OF YOUR LIFE???? Moni, I'm not being critical. I say these things because I walked in your shoes. I was almost completely, literally destroyed. I became a dead zombie. I thought I'd never break the cycle... You ask: "I want to be happy again.... How do I get there?" You get there by CHOOSING YOURSELF and doing whatever it takes (the work) to create a happy life. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE IT. IT JUST WON'T MAGICALLY HAPPEN. You know you won't have a happy life if you stay in the relationship. You've been there before. You know the outcome. Each time you go back you just die a little more and the D & D's get worse and worse. Moni, sweetheart, PLEASE CHOOSE YOURSELF You have done it before. You can do it again. It is YOUR CHOICE ...PLEASE, you're worth it! Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOSE MYSELF

spinning

#10 Feb 2 - 11AM

monilove

So few words...

Yet, those few words are so powerful and really all that needs to be said Hunter! Thanks Monilove

#11 Feb 2 - 11AM

Hunter

You have to the do the work

You have to the do the work and stick to NC.. We are offering. Support group staring FEB 8th.. We would love you to join. http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/01/19/support-groups-now-offered-path-forward Hunter

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