Damn I was happy

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#1 Nov 27 - 7PM

Gaia

Damn I was happy

I dont know why I am in such a funk lately too. Maybe its the holidays, or the wintertime, PMS?
Either way, I feel like hell, and I dont have anyone to talk to, my 2 family members feel like I am on a pity wagon. I try to do yoga, meditate, eat organically, smile, positive talk..nothing is working! I want to heal my inner child, and be happy. But I havent a clue how. I need a therapist, but cant afford one. Maybe I should start a free support group in my area, because I BET there are many more people out there, like me. My own father was a psychopath, that never loved his 4 children, my mom was a victim. I am tired of being a victim, and sick of being SICK.
I cried so much today my head hurts. I felt like I had 1 best friend in the world, he made me feel like I could trust him, share anything with him, he played the healer, the nurturer, then POOF he is gone, without a trace, as if I didnt exist for 8 years and we didnt share the depths of our souls. We I shared my soul, he clearly didnt have one! And it was all a facade?
Oh it hurts so unbelieveablly.
And people tell me, whats the big deal..he played you, they shrug and say dont care..get over it. How can I not care? How do I get over it???
This world is filled with zombies, that think emotions ARE A BAD THING! Well the ARE NOT! They are the essense of being HUMAN. And I am tired of people making me feel nuts for having feelings! How can anyone even feel like they will find a decent human man, when the world has clearly gone cold. I dont want to join them. I have so much love inside and no one to give it to.
I am sorry everyone for my funk mode, but I feel so alone and journaling is getting boring, so I took this to my other safe place, this forum.
Thank you for letting me vent, I welcome all advice, comments and opinions. :)

Love, SG

#2 Nov 27 - 10PM

Gaia

Dear Anari

I know!! He even seduced his therapist ! BIG HUGS BACK :D

#3 Nov 27 - 8PM

Gaia

Thank you winter :)

Thank you for being here with me winter, and writing me too! :) Lately I have been trying to feel all my feelings and express them, because I know that is healthier. Tonight as I was eating thanksgiving left overs with my daughter, she was talking to me about her friends,and I started to bawl right there in my mashed potatoes. She was sad , and thought she had upset me and made me cry. I reassured her that I was just going through stuff still, and it wasnt her. ( She is such an angel) I have been breaking down and crying in random places, and I feel like a walking nut job, but sometimes I cant even help it. its feels much better than walking around with a fake smile, like a narc. HUGS, SG

#4 Nov 27 - 8PM

Winter

Ok, Savegaia

Comment: I feel something similar today Lot of generalized sadness... Existential questionning. I'd better not to elaborate, will not be that supportive(lol) Opinion: It is normal, it is a postnarc aftermath. Of course it is not easy to get over. It takes time and NC. Advice (my own personal experience): "I try to do yoga, meditate, eat organically" - this is good :) "..., smile, positive talk" - this is not good :( Don't resist your sadness and moody attitude, go through it. What we resist persists. Don't fight your feelings, accept them. Another opinion: Feelings are not positive or negative, they are just feelings. Try to embrace and love them. I think this is what self love is all about. Love Winter

#5 Nov 27 - 8PM

bumblebee

Glad you came here SG

Man, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this today SG. Most of last week I was in the same boat. What struck me most was your comment: "And people tell me, whats the big deal..he played you, they shrug and say dont care..get over it." I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I understand where you are coming from though. We've all had break ups before - and yeah, most of those suck too. But this is different - you were manipulated into believing in someone who NEVER existed in the first place. I think that is the hardest part about it - it wasn't real and trust, oh how core trust is to a relationship, was shattered into a million pieces. People don't get it unless they've been through it and I'm with you that most people don't understand. But we do, and this is a great place to come. I wish I had an answer - but just know that I've felt similarly to how you are feeling now (not so long ago, and I bet I'll feel that way again as it seems to come in waves) and I'm sitting with you "virtually" as your friend. (( hugs ))

#6 Nov 27 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Anari

I agree no one gets how this

I agree no one gets how this breakup is different. Hugs honey!

#7 Nov 27 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Gaia

((HUGS BACK!))

Oh thank you bumblebee, you dont know how conforting it feels to know you are here with me, and everyone else too. This is a scary , lonely place and I hope to find the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I agree, most dont understand what it feels like to be so betrayed, to have your mind so twisted, to sacrifice so much, to a GHOST. I swing between strong emotions, and the feelings of I wish I had never met this devil, to I am glad it happened, so I can grow. It hurts so bad, because he KNEW I was abused my whole life, and I just asked him not to hurt me too. And he has hurt me worse than anyone in my life. And in some sick way, i think that is what narcs do, to remain memorable. So you dont forget them. I wish I could erase my brain. Love, SG :)

#8 Nov 28 - 2AM (Reply to #5)

faith_

Hugs to you savegaia. I hear

Hugs to you savegaia. I hear you. I totally hear you about this "most dont understand what it feels like to be so betrayed, to have your mind so twisted, to sacrifice so much, to a GHOST." I understand the swinging between strong emotions and not being sure how It's going to feel from one day to the next. Sending you love and peace and and a "you're heard and understood"!

#9 Nov 27 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

jenjen816

Right there with you

I feel the same way.. I was also abused my whole life.. I gave it all to someone who promised never to hurt me like my exes did, instead, he hurt me worse than anyone else has. And he also has told me that I will never forget him (that's how I feel, especially since we have a small child together). I am depressed and I feel like there is no way out. He is still pulling my strings and has me begging him to come back.. He has threatened me on more than one occasion that he will disappear completely from my life (change his phone number, etc.), knowing that he "has me." I wish I could erase the last 4 years, but I also say to myself that if I hadn't met him, I wouldn't have my son.. SO confused and deeply hurt, I am sorry I can't offer you (or myself) a solution to this problem.. ((HUGS))

#10 Nov 27 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

Gaia

Thanks jenjen!

So weird I was writing you as you were writing me ;) I posted on your long post. LOL Yes dear, its awful the way they took advantage of us, but I am so happy we are here. We need all the support we can get now. Mainly, we have to focus on OURSELVES NOW. We have to heal our inner child, and figure out why we ALLOWED this abuse into our lives, true we didnt see it all from the beginning, but red flags were there for us both, and we ignored them. These are deeper issues in us, that has allowed these horrible people to use and manipulate us. BIG HUGS!!

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