daisy_chain's story

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#1 Apr 13 - 12PM
daisy_chain's picture

daisy_chain's story

A friend told me about this site and I wanted to share my story. It probably sounds completely crazy… it is all very recent so my head is spinning with confusion with what I should do and what is wrong with this person. Please read and offer your perspective and what kinds of resources you recommend for me. I am desperate for it.
I wrote it as a letter to him:


When we first met I was so excited. I could barely contain it. I would talk about you to my friends. I didn't know you at all but was curious. I had been curious since you friends me on Facebook so many months before.

When we first started to spend time together, I was so happy.

Our first year together was great. We went all over the countryside and explored. We sat on patios and had drinks. We watched movies and cuddled on the couch. We wrote sweet text messages to each other constantly.

I told you that at this point of my life, I wanted my relationship to lead to marriage. I didn't want to just date someone forever. You said you wanted it too, that you first needed to pay off your debt first.

You had mentioned that you had a history of drug abuse and that it was not a problem anymore. You told me you did it weekly for ten years with your girlfriend at the time. I had lived an edgy lifestyle (no addiction though) in the past and got myself out of it so I didn't think much about it. I also didn't know very much about addiction and how it affects people's brain once they stop. Once they stop, they can never stop thinking about it.

In the summer of our first year together, someone brought the drug to a party. you did it. I never saw it again until December (more on that later).

After a year, we discussed you moving in. You had hinted it all the way through - in our first year, you lived 45 minutes away and would come and stay every weekend, all weekend. I was hesitant about you moving in. You didn't have a great history financially, your job was unstable and I wondered about us sharing a small space. My condo is open concept and really meant for one person. i was toying with buying a bigger one in the near future.

You were coming into the living arrangement with nothing. I had a great place to live, financially well off and more sophisticated in handling life problems. I tried to have you sign a cohabitation agreement when you moved in and you refused to sign it - saying, "why don't you just trust me?" Your ex had tried to make you sign one also. You refused. I always wondered if it was because you were naive or if you were really trying to pull something. You didn't speak to me for hours that day and I felt so terrible. I let it slide.

I was also concerned about the space. Where i live is open concept I loved having you there on the weekends, and I worried about you being there all the time. I need my own personal space.

When you moved in, at first, it was great! We seemed to make it work.

I noticed though that you always needed my help and I worried about you. When you were demoted at your job, I did your resume for you. I found another job for you, you applied and got the job immediately. I helped you go to the bank and consolidate your debt into one loan with low interest. I helped you reach a settlement of unpaid compensation with your former job too.

You started making twice the salary you had ever made - it was a huge step for you. You told me you were saving money towards your loan and would pay it off aggressively and not just minimum monthly payments. You would pay it off within tow years. I wanted to believe that you would go through with it.

I helped you immensely. Not only did you have an awesome place to live, your debt was consolidated, you had a beautiful girlfriend and you now had a great job.

One night a month into it you came home complaining about your new job. I worried that you weren't able to assert yourself properly. You were really upset and complaining about it - but didn’t really want to figure out ways to fix the situation. t week later it escalated. I tried to give you advice to stay strong and to talk to your manager, but you turned against me. You didn't want to hear the tough advice. You became silent with me for days, would not talk to me ar all for days and would sleep all of the time. It was so disturbing. I didn't know what to think. It was a red flag - you somehow snapped out of it after a while and became fine again. You did get demoted again at your new job though which troubled me. It made me realize you can not handle any pressure whatsoever.

In December, you came home with drugs. You had already done some. I felt uneasy but let it slide.

It was done again on new years. It is a terrible, unhealthy way to bring in the new year.

I found out a few weeks later that I got a job that I have always wanted. I was so excited. When I told you, I saw in your eyes that you didn't like it. You wanted me down at your level.

I started to see how you were going to be, after that. You became cocky, always trying to look cool. no more loving complements for me. You would criticize my cooking, I had a lip hair, no more telling me I was beautiful. you stopped posting pictures of us online. I noticed you shifted into becoming someone else. Someone I didn't know.

We decided to go on a quick trip to a warmer climate for a week. Winter was taking its toll… and I felt we could do it on the cheap since you needed to pay your debt. When we landed from our flight, you were a different person. You started to really act cocky, aggressive, disrespectful and irritable.

On the first night, I told you that you were my best friend and I was happy we were on this trip together. You laughed in my face. I felt demoralized and told you how it made me feel. That night we were walking in a tourist area - there were tons of police around and also… tons of guys dealing drugs. One guy approached you and you turned to me and said you were going to buy some. I said “no!” You then turned your back on me and followed the dealer. I turned and ran the other way. I was heartbroken as I realized you loved the drugs, not me.

Later It was as if you were on a mission to score it right off the bat. When you did buy it, I knew you were an addict. I knew you were far gone and it hurt. It was so awful. I ran away but had to come back because you had the room key.

On the trip, you were angry with me. You were angry with everything (driving, road rage, drinking excessively and chain smoking, which continued when we came home.)

The trip was truly awful. It was awful because it was when I realized you weren't there for me. I realized I could be anyone at all - it wasn't that you wanted to be with me, you just wanted someone there. You are needy.

After the trip I had a strange nagging feeling in my gut. Something was not right. I did not trust you. I wondered if you were doing drugs at work - sneaking it. You were still only making the minimum payments on your loan.you could afford to make much bigger payments than you were. I was beginning to really be suspicious.

You started to go long stretches of not talking to me at all. You would ignore me for 1-2 days at a time. It was incredibly lonely for me since we lived together. We also spent way too much of our time together. I realized I had been neglecting my friends and started to reach out to them. You didn't have many friends. I became filled with anxiety. We were either doing that or fighting.

On top of all of that, you started doing things that was not (I thought) in your character. Three big things stood out for me:

1. You said you wouldn't get any tattoos until you had paid off your loan. One day you decided you were going to get one. I asked you why, weren't you going to wait until the loan was gone - you didn't say anything, became so angry (without expressing it to me) that you decided to get TWO tattoos - and admitted later that you did it in spite of me. That broke my heart that you would behave like that to someone that you love the most.

2. You told me when we first started dating that you don't drink during the week. After our trip, I noticed you started to drink 2-3 drinks per night. I asked you about it, and you would explode with anger each time. On the weekends, you would drink 8-12 drinks on a binge night. When I would ask about it, again so much anger and defensiveness that you didnt have a drinking problem.

3. When I would ask you why you weren't paying off your loan more aggressively, you would also explode with anger. You would tell me not to nag you about money or your money situation - as long as you were meeting your commitment to pay the bills, It was none of my business how you spent your money. that is not how committed relationships work.

Whenever I would ask anything that you didn't like, or do anything you didn't like, you would start to criticize me or get extremely angry. To me, it was emotional abuse. You were trying to control me and placate me so things would just go the way you wanted them to go without someone talking to you about serious issues in life.

This started a shit storm of silence, anger and fighting. For a month and a half - emotional abuse and gaslighting. I really questioned my sanity and knew I needed to get out of this.

I really wondered how and when. It seemed to drag on and I didn't trust you. I didn't know what you were capable of. You scared me. I thought maybe you were back doing drugs regularly - which would explain the erratic behaviour. I spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering how to fix it and then how to get you out of my apartment that I owned.

I tried to break up with you a few weeks after the trip and you convinced me you would change. The problem is, we never came to an agreement of how it would be going forward, how you would change - and you just slipped into your old ways.

A few weeks later, we had another fight. We were heading to a movie and I just burst into uncontrollable crying. It was like my body was telling me this had to end. I told you how I felt, how I felt we were slipping apart - instead of us talking normally - you reacted in anger. You wouldn't speak to me. You left for a work trip for five days in anger. No communications for two days.

You then out of the blue just start texting that you love and miss me. Not asking me how I was or anything - at the time I was going through a lot of stress with work. Your correspondence did not acknowledging the anger and fighting even when I was asking.

When you got home from the work trip, you told me you wanted to change the way you communicate and get your anger in control. You wanted to control your anger issues. I told you I still didn't trust you. You said if it takes years to win back my trust, you would do it. You told me you wanted to be there for me, to help me through my stresses. I honestly don’t think you know how to do that.

On that day, I told you we could continue our relationship, but that you would have to move out into your own space and that we needed to go to counselling. You refused to move out but reluctantly agreed to counselling. I wasn't comfortable with that. I needed you out of my space and needed space to get my head clear.

The next day I had to help my mom and brother. My mom was sick and I needed to babysit my niece and nephew. You showed up at my mom's house unannounced with flowers. She was at the doctor so no one was there. I was really busy with the kids so limited communication. You accused me of lying. That i was full of deceit. I think you went to her house to check to see if I was lying and was avoiding you. You didn’t care about my mom’s health. It was all about you. You wrote me accusatory texts that night while I tried to just relax from the stress of the day.

I was so mad that there was no regard for me or empathy for the situation. I realized you never had any empathy for me ever. It was never there. It was always centered around you and your needs. Never about mine.

I decided to end it for good then. I came home from babysitting and told you it was over and you had to leave. You started to cry uncontrollably and wouldn't leave. I had to do it in a cold manner because I wanted you to know I was serious. After 6 hours I got fed up and told you you had to leave in 10 mins or I would call the police. You left with a few bags and we agreed you could get the rest of your belongings the next week.

You started to write me texts telling me I was crazy and needed mental help. You told me that you think I cheated on you (such a lie - you probably cheated on me). You told me you are heartbroken and the reason you got mad when I asked about finances is because you were saving up for an engagement ring. I don't believe it. You always said we would get married after the debt was paid off and you are no where near paying it off. You told me you had a picture of me doing drugs (total lie) and that you could destroy my rep with it - but you are not that kind of person so you erased it. That picture never existed - you were just trying to get to me.

You then switched gears and said when you come to get your belongings that you would bring the police because I can't be trusted. You would be capturing the whole thing on video too (which is illegal). You said I couldn't be trusted as I may tell people that you hit me or trashed my place when you came. I was floored by this. I am not that kind of person and was shocked you thought I was capable of that. You obviously do not know me.

I decided to hire a security guard the night you came to get your stuff and also have a friend come who knows you to help diffuse the situation. I even offered to hire a moving company to your stuff into a storage locker so we didn't have to do this. You didn't acknowledge it. I think you just wanted access to me.

The night came for you to move your stuff out. You wrote me a text saying you were open to seek counselling and live apart if that's what it takes. You then texted 15 mins before you were to come to say someone was injured at work and you couldn't come. I called a moving company right away and they put your stuff in storage. I had had enough. This all happened less than a week ago.

I blocked you from social media as I noticed you were interacting with your ex (druggie) girlfriend on facebook and posting pictures of other girls on your Instagram.

I wrote you an email to tell you my side. I felt I wanted to do it for myself.

You have written back twice already Once to say you moved back to the small town where your family lives to heal your broken heart and that you want to talk things through slowly on email. I was relieved to hear you were gone.

You then wrote a day later saying you want to seek counselling with me to sort out your communication problems and admit you may have an addiction issue. You also reminded me of the engagement thing.

You talk of love, love, love - but love is not enough Relationships require much more than that.

Everything was all an illusion. You were always looking for the next fix - whether it was love, gambling, drug and alcohol abuse, or taking risks to get that "cool" photo on Instagram.

I believe you can't cope in life by yourself - you always need a girlfriend to lean on for everything. I'm pretty sure you are talking to me right now plus trying to get with someone else immediately - in case it doesn't work out with me.

I believe you are an addict and possibly a narcissist. I still love you for the great times we had.


This is what truly hurts. I am confused and feeling so upset. I need the forum to help me process.

Please, anyone - let me know your thoughts.

Apr 16 - 10AM
janice m m
janice m m's picture


Apr 16 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
daisy_chain's picture

Thank you for your input. He

Apr 14 - 8AM
Thetruthwillsetyoufree111's picture

I can relate to your story

Apr 14 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
daisy_chain's picture

Thank you

Apr 14 - 3AM
StrongasDandelion's picture

Hie daisy_chain, "I had a strange nagging feeling in my gut."

Apr 14 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
daisy_chain's picture

Thank you

Apr 14 - 2AM
Lookforward's picture

Hi Daisy Chain, Not sure what

Apr 14 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
daisy_chain's picture

Thank you

Apr 14 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Lookforward's picture

Dear Daisy Chain, It sounds

Apr 14 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
daisy_chain's picture

I am able to practice

Apr 14 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
StrongasDandelion's picture

"It's a process of detoxing