Cycles, Contradictory Thinking, Etc.

So, while having a major meltdown in my therapist’s office last night I got on that thing of “will it ever end?” again. The PTSD was pretty bad and I was shaking and crying. You know how it is. I was triggered from that darn theft of my charger that he went in my drawer and took along with the fact that he has been away again and is coming home today. I hate it when he comes home.

The thing with the theft from my room is that, as I figured out, I had gotten to that place again where I thought I was safe from his BS. I forgot that he will always be looking for something to do to hurt me. I thought the GF had taken over for his supply and I was no longer on his radar. I don’t want to be on guard all the time for as long as he continues to breathe. He had not raided my room in a couple months, well, that I know of. I thought he had given up. Realizing he had not caused that “will it ever end?” thing to go into full gear. I’m going to be getting out and the thought that he will continue his BS after I’m gone is just so damn daunting.

Anyway, I’m also noticing a cycle of sorts and some contradictory stuff in my head. First, the cycle is pretty much the same but I can’t predict it’s pattern. I’m ok for awhile. I feel happy, secure, self esteem doing ok, no crying, etc. It’s like I’ve climbed out of victim mode and into survivor mode. Out of nowhere I start to feel awful. It can be depressed, afraid, angry, but I consistently lose my happy place at some point. It reminds me of how it would be with him - thinking everything is finally going to be ok and then BAM!, he'd rip the rug out from under me.

Next, the contradictory thinking patterns. I know what he is but then I occasionally wonder if it really is me that’s nuts. I am afraid of him but then I occasionally am not and stand up to him. I’ll see him as a nasty bully and then I will see him as a pathetic jerk. I don’t know, perhaps the cycle and the contradictory stuff is simply the process of getting better. I guess it could be worse and instead of bouncing back and forth, I’d be stuck like I used to be.