Crazy realization!

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#1 Nov 4 - 8AM

Eliza

Crazy realization!

So after had been married for 18 yrs (unhappily to say the least) I met the Narc....Four years later I find this site out of desparation trying to figure out why he made me still want to be around even though 99% of the time I was miserable. Well he fit the bill to a T. Narc narc narc....I do more and more reading and have come to the realization that my exH is also a NARC!!! in a bit of a different way if thats possible? I read up on gaslighting and again my jaw dropped! I lived with self doubt and thoughts that I was crazy for sooo long! I have since proved all the lies he told me during our marriage WERE lies! Why have I attracted these types? why did I think so little of myself??? I broke NC with the four year man- i had to tell him! I know it wasnt right but I did it..moment of weakness...I have almost nC with exH but we do have kids ...so I keep it to minimum....I am a little overwhelmed by this discovery....Thank god I found tis forum....
Eliza

#2 Nov 5 - 1PM

Briseis

Eliza

Every one of my significant adult relationships has been with someone with a personality disorder. At least heavy traits. Immaturity, substance abuse (which I had myself with alcohol for two years), profound selfishness. And I was always their "therapist", their personal energy source, the one that lugged the weight of the relationship. My father was a Narc. I was conditioned from birth to be a good little Narc magnet. I suffered a lot, and had no idea this is what was guiding me. I just thought it was "the way things are".

#3 Nov 4 - 2PM

tica

Eliza

I too, realized after the XN tht my XH was also a N,,but just in a different way..WOW! I KNOW>>> CrAZY realization..but NOW we have it and NEVER again, and yes, I will say NEVER!! Red Flags will not be ignored and finally I am moving in to the kind of life that I really always wanted, one where I am proud of myself for my OWN accomplishments..not being someone elses provider/cheerleader..everyone has to find their own way, we can't control other people only our reaction. Happy for you, you're on your way :)

#4 Nov 4 - 10AM

blueeyes

BAM

It all makes sense now huh? Hold on girlfriend, it's going to be a ride. The end result is glorious I hear? lol. Glad to read this today. XOXO

#5 Nov 4 - 10AM

Eliza

i really did lose myself

i was always the "up" one - the one people loved to be around because of my positivity...always smiling and just plain happy....I remember saying i was chipped away at till i was a person i no longer recognized! i left husband and met narc! little did i know!!! Now I know the red flags! I can at least be more cognizant! it IS so empowering! I have alot to dissect now....with new eyes.... thx so much Eliza!

#6 Nov 4 - 9AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Eliza

Once you get your head round everything it is so liberating and empowering. You realize you are not going crazy and have done nothing wrong...there is nothing wrong with you and you are the loveable happy-go-lucky person you always were. I seemed to attract these type of people because I believe in seeing the best in people and I take them at face value. Which is fine unless you are getting to involved with them. I believe in giving encouragement and building people up instead of being critical...I was bought up to be nice. Of course a narcissist puts on an act but I saw it as read and if I am honest ignored some red flags that I won't be ignoring in future. Once the major red flags did show I tried my best to get it back how it was in the beginning when really I should have hit the ground running....back to seeing the best in people and giving them a chance....never again. The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off....love that quote.

#7 Nov 4 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

ihavethecandy

seeing red... flags, that is

I completely see where you are coming from. Especially in ignoring red flags out of "niceness." I was also raised to be nice. I am a lot like you in my loving, accepting personality. I see the best in everyone! To my own detriment when it comes to love. What I am starting to realize is that what I saw as pure and true and good in him was really just him reflecting Me back to me!! They are like mirrors reflecting (especially at first) all of our own best qualities and traits! It is a reflection of our own higher self that we are falling in love with! They act like such an amazing, incredible person! They bring out the best of our best! They are just imitating us!! They are great actors. They mirror our qualities and attributes, because in reality they do not possess these qualities. They see how we are and present themselves as the same kind of person we are. Its how they gain acceptance. Not just from us, but in general. This makes me happy because I can take that love back and give it to myself where it belongs. We are all the true love of our own lives. Seeing it reflected back to us so perfectly should show us how beautiful we really are! Still, looking back at the red flags I ignored makes me ashamed. I could have stopped this had I been honest with myself then. Its embarrassing to admit some of the things I accepted in the earliest stages. Its painful to look at, but I have to if I want to address this cycle of relationships. I have never had a healthy relationship with a man. My previous partner was also an n.

#8 Nov 4 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

really

IHTC

My reactions were the same - ignoring the red flags, being nice, rising above the situation. On the largest scale, it included believing that no one else he's been involved with has had the "skills" to deal with how he was or really understood how his bad family situation helped shape him, that it's not his fault. Has taken a long time to accept the fact that HE is responsible for how he is and maybe he told me these things simply to secure my empathy. Ugh! Also took me a long time to realize that the person he was "showing" me was a reflection of what he thought I wanted him to be. I seriously thought that I had some affect on him and was a good and solid influence. Wrong! Or at least, if I did, he could only maintain it for a period of time. Nothing is more stressful than pretending to be someone you're not. I HATE that he has made me second-guess people so much. There is something in me that used to feel clean and clear and unquestionable that now feels cynical and messed up. It doesn't feel like me.

#9 Nov 5 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

girlfriday

Really

I went through the same thing. I thought the idea of having "trust issues with men" was silly. HAH! Now I have them bigtime. As I have mentioned in an older post to someone else, your pendulum has swung from naive and trusting (and I mean that in the most respectuful way) to cynical. It's an ugly feeling...But eventually the pendulum will level out somewhere in between and you will have a healthy type of cynicism that keeps you more careful. I know that in my cases, after all was said and done, I just felt like my intuition compass was totally off. I took time off to heal, and I feel like it is now recalibrated. It seems to be working quite well these days without the horribly ugly cynicism. Yet still, even when my gut feels good, there is a part of me that is still waiting for the evil clown to jump out of the box. So that is why now, at the first sign of a red flag, I abort mission...and don't stick around to find out more.

#10 Nov 5 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

really

GF

Thank you for that insight. It's dead on. I can feel myself getting closer to what I feel is "me". And it feels so good. I know I will never get back to being how I was and through the pain, I know that's a good thing, too. I mean I know that intellectually. My gut still misses it. I think the unexpected part is that it has caused me to question my gut and judgment in other areas of my life. I own my own business and have found that I question things and decisions I never would have before. Same with other areas of my life. What was once clear and obvious has become foggy and murky. It's getting better, but still...

#11 Nov 4 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

ACgirl

Reading your story, I thought I was writing it myself!!

It is amazing how we all have shared so many similar experiences. I was married about that long to someone who I realized after I found this site, that he was a Narc. Then, the first person I hook up with after my marriage, was the Narc I had been involved with for the past 5 years!! I didn't realize he was a Narc until I found this site last March. A counselor I went to first introduced me to the term "narcissitic rage" last year, but that is all she said. It has been such a struggle to break free from my Narc of 5 years. But I have finally done NC to the point now that I cannot be swayed. I know he will not change. I know longer hold out hope. By reading these stories on this site has made me stronger and made me realize the extent of this illness. My marriage knocked me down to the point that I felt very little self-esteem. So I was a perfect target for the new Narc. Little by little the Narc chipped away at me. It is like a slow blood letting. But I FINALLY saw all my blood on the floor and I said to myself....."I am as mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore". I'm not exactly sure what the final straw was for me, but I believe it was because I started to focus on me and my work. By doing that I realized that this "chump" was nothing without me and that I bought into his cheating and lies. After a great deal of prayer, it finally hit me that a man who can lie and cheat so easily was not the person I should spend one more second with. I finally saw that I was better than that. I am glad you have found this site. The women here are amazing. They saved my life. xoxo Acgirl

#12 Nov 4 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

ihavethecandy

i agree

It is amazing how similar the stories are. Kind of scary, isn't it?!?

#13 Nov 4 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

Eliza

it IS scary!

But also makes me realize that we can all move on- move forward and be who we really are...Nice , trusting people...WITH KNOWLEDGE!!!! That will be the difference! What power I have found hearing all your stories! Thank you all sooo much for sharing and giving me more and more power everyday! Eliza

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