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Covert abuse/ Bitter Cowardice

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#1 Feb 12 - 2PM
venuslovedpluto
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Covert abuse/ Bitter Cowardice

I'm really struggling with this mentally and why he felt motivated to do this crap to me. What pissed me off most (besides the abuse itself and it's delivery) was his complete denial of it. He was so innocent! And I was Overly-Sensitive and always looking for Hidden-Meanings, Always Thinking The Worst Of Him so I could permeate the atmosphere with Gloom And Doom. What a joke! This would make me FURIOUS because it's not only not my style, but the polar opposite of my personality.

He's 23 years older than me. When I met him, he'd told me he was ten years younger than his actual age. I'd been 27- almost 28, so this made him (supposedly) 40. He'd looked closer to fifty and I'd usually dated younger guys but I really liked him so it didn't matter much. (I did think it was really bizarre when he showed me a pic from his b-day at the office that year though, complete with an "Over The Hill" birthday cake. I'd thought...wtf? Your co-workers are mean! But he'd (slipped, I think) laughed, blown it off. I'd bought it.) Fkng ASShole. Anyway, he must've been HELLA insecure because he love love loved to demean me in ways that targeted my age and sexuality. He'd bait me, call me A Keeper, tell me he'd love it if I had his daughter, but then do little creepy things like leave his pocket change on my nightstand when we'd part ways. Nice, huh? I'd asked him about this after the fifth or so time he'd done it & it had stopped looking like a random forget, but of course it was blamed on my insecurity. Or senility. He liked to call me old, even though I'm 34 and look closer to 24. I was constantly mistaken for his daughter, we got some weird looks. Seriously, I'm not trying to boast or anything (=/) I'm pretty humble, just stating so you'll understand. I'm sure it'll catch up with me and fast pretty soon anyway. I'm having an awful time sleeping and eating. =( So, he'd call me Old Bag. Tell me about how close I was to 40 and manage to point out how I consistently fell short of responsible- something I should've been at my advanced age but hey it's cool, if we got married he'd handle the money and I could use my little brain for other stuff like pursuing my passions. Yes, Little Brain. He called me that too. I blew that one off. Of course he was Kidding. Another weird jab... when he'd be at my place and I'd leave him (briefly) in my apartment to go pick up food or something, he'd mime a feminine demeanor, request a kiss at the door and then say; "Okay, thank you! See you next time!" Wtf?? I asked him about that but he just feigned confusion. Meant nothing by it of course. I began laughing when he'd say it so he finally fkng stopped. Clearly he'd wanted to point out to me that he'd thought me a dumb, cheap whore? It filled me with terror. Once he showed up with a huge ziplock bag filled with condoms. We'd always used the pull/pray method though he'd liked to tell me all the time that we really needn't do this since he'd be so elated if I had his baby. I never took that bait though because I'd honestly not wanted kids and still don't. I'd gotten the sense a few times that he was disappointed at my not (taking the bait) wanting my baby hopes crapped on by him. The condom bag made me so mad. He'd said he'd gotten it at Costco which was supposed to explain the ridiculous quantity and the fact that we'd never used them before. I'll never forget his face when I'd asked him if he was trying to make some kind of statement. Pussy that he is, he'd actually looked AFRAID. If I hadn't been so upset, I might've found it amusing. It was the same look he wore every time he was in a situation that had his eyes, his FAKE self being peered at closely by me. Fkng reto.

Why the hell did he want to do this to me? Because he'd had zero respect for me? And not only that but thought me his personal whore and wanted me to feel like a cheap one too? Why? So if I were with someone else some day, he'd have hopefully ruined my sexually confident & fun self for me and the guy too? Or because he just thought of me as trash? This kills and I really want to understand. It makes my stomach turn. It makes me cry, it hurts so deep. I try not to let it bug me since it was a SCUMBAG mental case's pov, but it hurts anyway. =(

Feb 12 - 5PM
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Writing

I actually kind of protected my writing from him because the first time I ever let him read anything, he told me I had a very Long Way To Go. It was something I did to soothe myself mostly, it was pretty private to me. The book, that's not much of anything- just a dream. But we got drunk one night and he wanted to read it. He looked through half, lost interest, I never showed him or talked about it again. I do keep a journal too. I accidentally left it out one day when I'd gone across the street to get us food, pretty sure he read it. I'd asked him straight out, he denied it. But then a few days later we were on the phone and he asked me how often I write in it. Then I knew he had, I write in it sometimes 6 or 8 times per day. I just felt it. I feel so disgusted by the way he just trounced every single one of my boundaries, he so violated me, and I let him. I hate him for it, it's sent me reeling back into my past, I want to be fucked up all the time and for awhile I was. Till my dog became despondent and I yanked myself out of it. Mostly. I just can't believe I didn't save myself sooner. Remove me from him sooner.
Feb 12 - 4PM
ally2375
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Hey Venus

Here are my two cents. Covert abuse is its own twisted, insidious behavior. It's often difficult for the victim of it to characterize the abuser's actions as abusive, because any one action by the abuser could be explained away as an accident, an oversight, a misunderstanding. Maybe YOU even thought you were imagining things at first, because the explanations you got when you called out his strange behavior were so damn plausible. My experience was similar. When I tried to explain how I felt to my friends, I got blank looks. It was only after they heard story after story that they started the see the problem. In your case, it's not the change on the nightstand, the shenanigans at the door, or the bag-o-condoms, it's ALL of that in aggregate. It's that he sees what he did bothered you, so he did it again and again, always feigning innocence, right? This "gaslighting" technique is the calling card of a Passive Aggressive individual. What I know of your story has me utterly convinced that PA is what you were dealing with. It can co-exist happily with narcissism. The way I think of it with mine is that narcissism was the disorder, passive aggression was the way the disorder manifested. I really encourage you to read up on passive aggression. The incidents you mention are par for the course. I experienced some EERILY similar incidents with mine. Why did he do this to you? My guess is because you are beautiful, smart, talented. Deep down in his subconscious, he probably can't understand why you were with him at all, and has no idea how to keep you around. He believes to his core that you will ultimately reject him, so he's getting you before you can get him. Where does he aim his arrows? At your age, sexuality, and (you mentioned in another thread) your writing talent - same things that you yourself call out as your strengths. I know what the deep need for understanding feels like, but I think you're down the wrong road when you start contemplating that he had no respect for you or regarded you as a whore. He has no respect for HIMSELF, don't you see? It's his own self-esteem problems at the root of this. This isn't about some weakness in you that he targeted, he attacked your STRENGTH, because it's strength he doesn't have. Please try not to beat yourself up too badly for still feeling hurt by this guy. You know he's a jerk, but I think the knowing comes before the feeling. I still have my days, too. Hugs, Ally
Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Hmm subconsciously not

Hmm subconsciously not knowing why you were with them. Mine said sick of it I never could figure out why you were with me when you had all of those other guys around. I thought he was just blowing smoke up my ass but maybe he was being honest Probably not they never tell the truth
Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
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They betray themselves

Early on, I remember the ex-Psych professor saying "I'm not that smart a philosopher. I'm not that good a teacher." He also said that he had difficulties relating to people (well, don't we all?) I think it was a mixture of false humility AND him inadvertently speaking the truth. In my junior year, he said, "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life" and "I'm standing in the way of you living your life." (and maybe that's why I was subconsciously happy when the long-distance girlfriend made her appearance, she saved me from marrying him&bearing his kids) During the final D&D, he once asked, exasperated, "Why do you like me?" Then he said I was projecting all my positive qualities onto him. After the final D&D, he said he preferred being admired or hated to being respected as a person, and that he didn't respect students as people. That's when I said "That's your PROBLEM." Ns/Ps try to get us to betray ourselves, our very beings, they are that shallow. In the end, the ex-P was betraying himself.
Feb 12 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Writing talent

The ex-Psych professor did EVERYTHING to discourage my writing. He thought his flaccid critiques of my essays would discourage me. I wrote about religion, tho he was the self-anointed expert on religion (he isn't anymore, now he's a literature expert) When he and I discussed "Shakespeare in Love", my review of "Twelfth Night" helped end the relationship. Really. I thought it would bring us together. In the movie, the Bard (Joseph Fiennes) meets his ladylove (Gwyneth Paltrow) through "Twelfth Night." Instead, all I got was passive-aggression. The ex-P thought he was an expert on Augustine's "Confessions." He gave a lecture on it my freshman year. In my senior year, I wrote my thesis on... *drumroll please* Augustine's "Confessions." He claimed he was writing a book about Augustine&Wittgenstein;it has not materialized, I don't think it ever well. He hasn't written about religion or Augustine again. Soooo... it looks like I got the upper hand. "He attacked your STRENGTH, because it's strength he doesn't have"-I remember the ex-P would keep praising me for my strength. He was enthralled with the CERPA when they held the Japanese Embassy hostage... he was disappointed with the hostage situation ended (I watched the documentary about it, "The Siege" at http://www.snagfilms.com it was catharisis and triggering at the same time) He'd talk about how the hostage-takers let go of the old women because the old women were weak. He'd tell me that he wasn't letting me go because I was strong. Yeah, and I could deal some serious Narc injuries that would require triage.
Feb 12 - 3PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Mocking his cowardice...

Yeah, when I broke NC with the ex-Psych professor back in '09, I compared him to my baby nephew. I told him I don't expect him to apologize for the same reasons I don't expect my one year old nephew to apologize after spending the night screaming. My baby nephew isn't mature, he has some empathy... but the fact I lost sleep when I visited family back in Boston... I don't think my nephew would "get it." Emotionally, the ex-P is the same age as my nephew. I know the ex-P is cowardly, and I've ridiculed him on account of it. Comparing a former teacher to one's baby nephew because their fathers have the same name is such fun!
Feb 12 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Are you pretty convinced

Are you pretty convinced this guy is a Narc? If so, then look at his behavior as that of a disturbed person, as more about his disturbance than anything "personal" to you. SURE he had zero respect for you, he has zero respect for the entire human race (saving himself of course :D). Yeah, it does hurt anyway :( But try to see this pain you are feeling as an issue to be SOLVED, rather than something you just have to endure. I hope this makes sense :P He is as disrespectful, cowardly, bitter and useless as you suspect. It's all true. It's just as bad as you suspect it is. Give yourself that much credit. Tell yourself OF COURSE he does what he does. He would literally do it to anyone who got too close. There's nothing about YOU that influenced him to be one way or another. Narcissism is like weather. It is as impersonal as weather. The weather doesn't look down and say Oooooh, there's Briseis, I'm gonna rain especially hard on her BWAHAHAHAHAAA" Your Narc (everyone's actually) doesn't look at you and think Oh boy, I'm really gonna single this one out for special treatment. They just NARC wherever they go, and whatever they do. It's not about you at all :) And that my dear, is GOOD NEWS. That you were never special to him? A relief to know you weren't special simply because of HIS mental disorder, not because there's something wrong with you :)
Feb 12 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
narcissizednomore
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This is so true Briseis...we

This is so true Briseis...we just can't take anything they do to us personally. They treat everyone the same. Now that I'm away, many of my flashbacks are the horrible criticisms he made about other people including his so-called friends. He only spoke kindly of people he could use for something and usually it was their status and he being associated with them. In his mind anyway, this made him look like a good person and he likely hoped that others thought of him as so great since he associated with some talented, successful people. Narcs just feed off the good traits and talents of anyone around them but cut them down in the process. Their jealousy is at the core of their being. They truly care about no one.

narcissizednomore

Feb 12 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Treating EVERYONE the same

I found one of the ex-Psych professor paper's at the beginning... and after the final D&D. In the first footnote, he badmouths two people- by their full names- for criticizing his "original wording." I've had some bad editors, but stooping to that... yikes. These people probably helped him in good faith with his writing, thinking they were giving editing tips, and in that first footnote he cuts them down. One of the ex-P's male disciples had the ex-P as his senior essay advisor. I remember once walking by, they were talking about his essay, and the ex-P wasn't giving his advisee eye contact, but simply walking around a fountain. He'd blatantly ignore this male student when he was publicly berating me. And yes, the ex-P expected me to be envious of his male followers.