The Cover-Up Reveals IT WAS INTENTIONAL

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#1 May 31 - 11PM

Anonymous (not verified)

The Cover-Up Reveals IT WAS INTENTIONAL

Here is an excerpt from the article, "The Three Rs of Accountability", at Luke 17:3 Ministries. (http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&P...)

Many offenders are fond of saying, â€œBut I didnâ€™t mean it that wayâ€ or â€œI never meant for that to happenâ€ . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS ARE...

...Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their â€œmistakesâ€- this tells us that these are not really â€œmistakesâ€ at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense.

Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when she is caught or confronted, so she will not admit what she did. She will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior. She will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought she was getting away with it. She will not admit she was wrong, she will not sincerely apologize, and she will not try to rectify the damage she did.

The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, her words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, she knew what she was doing and the effects it might have, but she decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise she would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. Her ego would not be at stake, and she would not react with the shame of someone who was â€œcaughtâ€ doing wrong. One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others- anything but admit that she was wrong and take responsibility for her own words or actions.

Someone who is not ashamed of herself has no reason to deny or lie about what she did. She will acknowledge her actions, apologize for the pain she caused EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDNâ€™T MEAN TO, admit she was wrong, used poor judgment, or made a mistake, do everything she can to make restitution, and NOT REPEAT the same offense in the future. She may feel embarrassed about her actions, but she will not feel the shame that leads to covering them up. And she understands that failure to take responsibility would be an even greater reason to be embarrassed.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/05/cover-up-reveals-it-was-int...

#2 Sep 5 - 12PM

Barbara (not verified)

it WAS intentional

~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#3 Jul 16 - 3PM

Barbara (not verified)

Nicole

Just remember - you are thinking about PRETEND GUY - the guy that NEVER EXISTED AND NEVER WILL! http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-you-only-remember-good-stuff-of-bad_01.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/07/grieving-pathological-loss-personal.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/am-i-suffering-in-vain.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#4 Jul 15 - 8AM

Marie

Another winner

Again another winner. Here are a few of his comments when confronted about the other woman, these were taken from an email: "fair enough, but in my defense. you were mistaken with that. but i assume by my actions you gathered that. so its my fault really. sorry." "babe, if you dont mind me calling you that. i can barely remmeber my own name at times. i dont remmeber the discussion. but again, i'm not denying that i was an #$%^&*(*.,, but nothing like that was the case." "I'm sorry i just never considered her that way so it was never a strong point for me to discuss." (she was pretty much my last straw but he never wanted to discuss her, my irrational behavior was his reason for the relationship to end) "itrs one of those, know you, hope your well, theres a reason why people dont keep in touch, wish you best things. nothing more. really,but i understnad that i hurt you, unintentionally, its just not what you thought." End or email: "you mean too much to me. I respect your position. I just wouldnt want to not have you in my life somehow.i really am surprised that you dont realize how much you touch peoples lives."

#5 Jul 15 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

James (not verified)

Marie question..

Marie, Being a student of graphology I wonder if those emails were copied and pasted and are originals in format? Graphology is the study of writing and symbols through writing but I found some principals can still be used with text too. Anyway just curious about those emails.. http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761559164/Graphology.htm http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#6 Jul 15 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

Marie

yes

Yes James, they are copied and pasted.

#7 Jul 15 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

James (not verified)

Huh...ic

Marie, interesting... Thanks. Marie did you ever notice how the writer always uses the lowercase letter i instead of I? Now please understand these insight on writing is "handwriting" and not text. But whenever a person uses the lowercase i it can mean two things 1) the writer isn't a very good typist or 2) whenever we use the i in writing it show a low self-esteem in the writer. I done some personal research and notice from know people who suffer from a PD will often use only the lowercase letter i. But again it might also be because the writer isn't a good typist and doesn't that the time to use the shift key and then the letter i, but this it's self tell me something about the writer. But please don't use any of what I said as being a fact for it isn't it's just my opinion and observation only.. Thanks for the reply Marie oh, one other thing this observation only works with emails not cell phone text, any rule of thumb is throw out whenever we text each other that way.. FYI

#8 Jul 15 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

neveragain

James. What Do You Think of THIS email?

This is from my ex-N and the first apology from him since he hung up on me at the end of February (abandoning me at a time when I needed him the most and had BEGGED him to help me with) He never called me back until the situation was over. I didn't take his calls or respond. This ended our three year "relationship": dear (neveragain) i hope one day you will be able to forgive in your heart those who may have failed you. so you may heal your own pain from within your soul. and maybe someday you might be strong enough to speak with someone who still deeply cares about you. please except this sincere apology for all the anguish & pain & any shortcomings i may have caused you . sincerely (N-exB) I have not responded nor will I respond. I am however, burdened once again by the pain he put me through. He's saying stuff to people I once knew through him and basically lying by omission. He's painting me to be an out-of-control-menopausal-high-maintenance-psycho. He's told people that he did nothing wrong and it's obvious that I'M the one who is at fault. It hurts so bad but there's nothing I can do about it. I have ordered books and workbooks, read countless posts, blogs and articles and now have an appointment with my therapist since I'm failing the course, GETTING OVER HIM 101. Any feedback you have would be appreciated. neveragainj P.S. (I did a cut and paste of the email but edited the names)

#9 Jul 16 - 1AM (Reply to #24)

James (not verified)

neveragain reply

â€œdear (neveragain) i hope one day you will be able to forgive in your heart those who may have failed you. so you may heal your own pain from within your soul. and maybe someday you might be strong enough to speak with someone who still deeply cares about you. please except this sincere apology for all the anguish & pain & any shortcomings i may have caused you . sincerely (N-exB)â€ First he knows you better then me so please keep that in mind, If he is a Nar, they read people like you would see a book. The only problem is you would get more from the book then he would. What I mean is whenever it came to emotions and feeling.. Anyway Why doesnâ€™t he capitals the letter D for dear but then he never uses the caps. Anyway, It looks better to type Dear neveragain instead of dear neveragain. That would be more endearing. I see no misspelled words which tell me he is educated enough not to make that type of error. Well, first I donâ€™t see an apology anywhere in this email, do you? Not one that explain anything other then the â€œweaknessâ€ and â€œunforgivingâ€ that is in you. What I mean is first he selling it like itâ€™s your problem but goes on to contradicts himself but saying itâ€™s him. If itâ€™s both of you why not just state that? Whenever I read or hear someone contradict themselves I wonder if they are lying. I believe he thinks that the reason you both are having problems is because of something in your past you canâ€™t get over or forgive. Is this the truth? He is stating you arenâ€™t strong enough to â€œrelate/careâ€ too him because of deep past hurt. Is this the truth? Why he would use the symbol & and not just type â€œandâ€? It can be because itâ€™s faster (what does that tell you?) and quicker then typing â€œandâ€.. or again he is â€œrushâ€ and want (?) to get this email out quick and/or done with. This also applies to the string of this sentence: anguish & pain & any shortcomings. Itâ€™s too rushed. Why? neveragain, ask yourself whenever you do anything that is rush how do you feel and why are you rushing it? I think if you can be honest with yourself you will get your answer concerning this email from him. Remember this is only my opinion and observations only. So please take what I state with a grain of salt. Okay? Hope it helps. Question: How do you see his self-esteem in relation to your self-esteem, is it the same?

#10 Jul 16 - 2AM (Reply to #25)

neveragain

James, Thank You For Your Reply

The relationship I had with my ex-N boyfriend started on St. Patrick's day 2006. I was out with a girlfriend and had been single for quite some time. She and I are close friends and when I was ready to "call it a night", she insisted we go to "one more place". She's married (to someone I insisted she meet and is an amazing guy) and knew that I needed to meet other single's. Long story short, we met my now ex boyfriend and his best friend that night. It was late so our encounter was only about 25 minutes long. However, after he asked, I gave him my card. Our courtship consisted of me being wary and him being charming, warm and attentive. I was a 'tough nut to crack' but he was energized and ready to invest his energy into "us". Eventually (3 months later) I decided that maybe he was for real. He was very attractive to me. He is an ex-body builder and now a full time surfer. He's a plumber by trade and only works to make the minimal amount of money to pay any bills (which are small) that he has. At first, his lifestyle seemed easy and breezy and fun. But, since he's in his late forties, it seemed a bit shallow. He has posters of super models all over and lives in a small, one room place with the other half (larger than his living space) a gym. He eats out of tupperware and cuts his food with kitchen shears. He is obsessive compulsive about any speck of dust or dirt and vacummes constantly. He has a very strict diet and uses a lint roller on the sheets. He hates water spots in the sink. His place is connected to his other large home that is empty and belongs to his mother. When I met him, he was renovating it and told me it was his but in three years, he's done very little to make it into a home he'd live in. His mother lives in another state and is probably hoping he will make that house a home. Any time I had an important event or special occassion to attend he would resist and wriggle out of attending. He always made me feel like I was asking too much from him. I accepted his eccentricities and didn't insist on his appearance by my side. I accommodated his special needs and didn't protest at all. I did express my hurt when he didn't want to exert any effort into events involving special people in my life but that always ended in a fight where I was made to feel like I was too high-maintenance. I paid my share for everything. When we went camping in the back of his plumber van I was fine with having to pee in a bucket. It was the next day when he would laugh about "baby's ass in my face" that I felt ashamed. I would go to the beach he loved and made friends there. He didn't like that much but he also was very good at hiding his frustration. I knew how much he loved surfing and spent hours standing at the shore trying to get good pictures of him so he'd be happy. He was never happy. He had back problems and knee problems and shoulder problems and sleeping problems. I was supportive and loving and sweet. I cooked him good meals and tried to make him laugh. I only wanted him to laugh and when he did, it made my heart lift up. Two and a hald years later, after many, many times of him making fun of me, mocking me, criticizing me and ignoring me, I began to realize that by my driving to HIS house (an hour away) every weekend, I really wasn't much of a priority to him. Whenever I had something important, he tried very hard to get out of participating. For example: When I was going in for surgery to find out if I had cancer on my ovaries, I told him that I was scared. He mocked me and said, "EVERYBODY'S scared of surgery, neveragain....remember when I had a HERNIA?? You're being a baby!" I was floored and that was when I realized that he'd never be there for me. I tried to figure out how to deal with him and since he was so good at making everything my fault and all about my weak character, it took me awhile but I DID break it off: October 2008. December 2008: Four page letter telling me how much he wanted to rebuild our relationship. January 2009: Agreed to see him again. My daughter (my one any only child) was to be married in April and I thought, "Well, you have a chance to prove how much you want to be there for me....this is the perfect opportunity." So I asked him if he'd be by my side then. He said, "I'll see what I can do...you know a long drive like that will be hard on my back....I don't know if I can afford it...." I assured him that I would pay for EVERYTHING and that I just needed his support. February 28th, 2009: Slamming down the phone and never calling me again. Now you know most of the story....there are so many times he was dismissal and devaluing to me....I can't possibly have enough room to type it all out. Hopefully, you get somewhat of a picture of this. Yes, there are past things that made me be vulnerable and susseptible to being a target of his. However, just so you know, he only graduated high school and told his mother that he'd never want to own his fathers plumbing business. His father died when he was 24. What do you think now? There are so many clues about why he is the way he is....but the bottom line is, he puts himself firt and always will. I obviously accepted whatever he was able to give. After googling "lack of empathy" I not only found tons of information, I found this website. It's been a journey of education and healing. But, I'm still very hurt and sad. neveragain

#11 Jul 16 - 2AM (Reply to #26)

James (not verified)

Surfs UP!!

â€œHe was never happy. He had back problems and knee problems and shoulder problems and sleeping problems.â€ And he tells you are â€œhigh maintenanceâ€? Really this is nothing less then a projection. â€œTwo and a hald years later, after many, many times of him making fun of me, mocking me, criticizing me and ignoring me, I began to realize that by my driving to HIS house (an hour away) every weekend, I really wasn't much of a priority to him.â€ This is all abuse in one form or another. I so glad you stopped seeing him and yes you are right it doesnâ€™t seem to me you are a priority in his life. â€œHe mocked me and said, "EVERYBODY'S scared of surgery, neveragain....remember when I had a HERNIA?? You're being a baby!" More abuse and no validation. Okay neveragain the abuse is clear on this matter. You need to stay away from this guy. These are signs of verbal abuse no doubt about that!!! Self-esteem: In my book on graphology whenever a person uses only the lowercase i instead of I in caps consistently itâ€™s can mean they have low self-esteem which is clearly the case here. Neveragain that is why he need to attack your self-esteem to compensate that which lacks in him. I do hope you donâ€™t allow him to rope you back into a life where you will no doubt be his mother and not his lover. Another thing neveragain ask yourself why he loves surfing so much. Remember his back problems and knee problems. This activity must cause him even more problems and pain whenever he goes surfing right? But still he does it. Why? Well, I believe it help him with his low self-esteem. His low self-esteem needs a bolsterer shot once in awhile. He gets it through surfing on the water and then if anyone else is (like you) around he gets it by surfing on there self-esteem. What I mean is while he lower your self-esteem, it help him bolster his self-esteem. Please do me a favor and copy and paste what you just wrote to me and then save it on a doc like notepad or something. Then if you ever think about letting him back in your life, read it first and then decide if you want too. Okay? Thanks for sharing neveragain and I know you are making the right decision calling it quits on this surf boy.

#12 Jul 16 - 4PM (Reply to #27)

neveragain

James, You Just Made Me SMILE

I haven't felt like smiling for quite some time. After writing my last post, I felt pathetic and disgusted with myself. I can't believe I put up with his shenanigans for so long. Actually, I tried to break it off with him twice before the final break up in October but SOMEHOW he convinced me that I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE. I would end up APLOGIZING and going back! It was really kind of freaky. When I went back in January I was only half invested and was waiting for him to let me down again. I didn't have to wait long! 5 1/2 weeks later, BOOM! I look back on it and wonder how he managed to keep me hooked in. He somehow did the bare minimum to keep me roped in and if I ever expressed my feelings, I was made to feel like I was out of line! He was a genius in that twisted, dark, disturbing way they have. Thanks so much for validating my decision to stay away from him. Now, if I can just rein in my obsessive thinking (which is either following my feelings or is a precurser to them, I can't decide) and get a grip, I'll start to heal from this. My self esteem is pretty low right now. I actually have a LOT going for me but I'm feeling like a loser. Only a loser would stay in a relationship THAT BAD!! I'll get better. There are better days to come. I will keep trying to fight my way out of the dark. No contact. No contact. No contact. No contact. neveragain

#13 Jul 16 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

James (not verified)

Thanks

I so glad I could make you smile, but after reading this from you: I didn't have to wait long! 5 1/2 weeks later, BOOM! You just make me Laugh! So thanks for that!! No contact. No contact. No contact. No contact. May I sing along with you? NC NC NC is the only way to go!!!

#14 Jul 15 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

neveragain - apology

the Narc's Apology Substitute: http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/10/self-recrimination-as-another-apology.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#15 Jul 15 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

neveragain

The Smoke and Mirrors are SO Frustrating

I read all of Anna V's :Self-recrimination as Another Apology Substitute and followed the link she included to: Denial of Remorse & Gratitude. The extremely frustrating, baffling and annoying thing is HOW GOOD THEY ARE at deflecting any responsibility and end up blaming the VICTIM! I am ready to scream in agony!! But instead, I read and I read and feel sick to my stomach and cry. Thanks for the article(s) Barbara....this is never going to make sense to me and I will never get closure or vindication OR validation. As my Grammy used to say, "It's just one of those things". neveragain

#16 Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Barbara (not verified)

validation & vindication

You ARE validated and vindicated simply BY READING THINGS such as the links I gave you. TRUE validation & vindication can only come from other victims. You ARE NOT alone. There are 1000s of you screaming & crying RIGHT NOW about the same thing from the same 'alien life forms.' You will never get real closure (although you can get retributive closure by posting them on the web as a psycho at one of the many sites I have posted on this board) Who cares how good they are? Eventually they are always caught. Always... though it often takes too long for my taste. Rejoice that he's GONE and no longer your problem! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#17 Jul 15 - 12AM

Barbara (not verified)

"but I didn't mean it that way"

Many offenders are fond of saying, â€œBut I didnâ€™t mean it that wayâ€ or â€œI never meant for that to happenâ€ . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS AREâ€¦ â€¦Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their â€œmistakesâ€- this tells us that these are not really â€œmistakesâ€ at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense. Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when he is caught or confronted, so he will not admit what he did. He will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior. He will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought he was getting away with it. He will not admit he was wrong, he will not sincerely apologize, and he will not try to rectify the damage he did. The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, his words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, he knew what he was doing and the effects it might have, but he decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise he would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. His ego would not be at stake, and he would not react with the shame of someone who was â€œcaughtâ€ doing wrong. One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others - anything but admit that he was wrong and take responsibility for his own words or actions. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#18 Jul 15 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Nicole

I feel like every post hits

I feel like every post hits home in some way. I never checked me ex's email until I planned a surprise bday party for him (towards the end of the relationship) and was looking for email addresses. I never expected to find emails to other women - some that he met while out of town, some during breakups with me - everyone on a back burner. No mention of having a girlfriend, being in a relationship. I was stunned. He asked to take one woman out next time he was in LA - sent her a check for sunglasses he apparently broke while meeting her. Made my stomach turn. One he wrote saying that he had a great time with her but "would have to wait a few weeks to see you again until my home situation is cleared up" which meant getting me out of the apartment. That was only a week after the boating accident for those who read my initial post. I confronted him about it all over the course of about 8 months and he would just look me straight in the eye and left himself off the hook. He'd say stupid things like "I never go out to LA, you know that" or "I wrote that because I was blowing her off" and I would say that's not how you blow someone off. "Well that's how I do" and that was the law. It quickly became about me reading his emails and told me that he "would not tolerate you ever doing that again." Of course I did, but because at that point, I just didn't trust him. It was as if I was crazy! He was a completely different person in his emails to friends, women, etc. The worst part is that I backed down and actually began to believe his excuses. He was so good at it. You could be eating an apple and he'd convince you you weren't. I would be hurt and upset and would get angry and he'd say, "I'd understand if you were upset, and it you couldn't forgive me. But then you have to leave me. I would be sad, but you can't be with me and be angry." I'll never forget these interactions. He'd constantly tell me that "everyone else would see this differently". Apparently this is another tactic of Ns - they will tell you that you're the only one to see it this way - you're crazy. Everyone else is normal and would react differently. And he's love to tell me that I'm the only one that gets angry because I'm hurt. He doesn't understand that hurt gets channeled this way. I was "the only one" to get angry because I was hurt. It's painful to think about all of it. It's painful to know that he labels me the crazy one.

#19 Jul 16 - 12AM (Reply to #13)

Marie

Nicole

They are sickening aren't they? Reading your post was like reading another page out of my journal. I never spied on my guy or looked through his things either. Not until things became rocky and I happened upon stuff. It started with finding things with another woman's name printed on them (a woman he was involved with before me). They were recent purchases some bought on ebay. Those finds helped me decipher his online away message. "L.I.L.Y. please contact me" Leah I Love You. When I confronted him he said the exact thing your guy did.I swear these guys must all use the same damn script! I stayed with him still forgiving that he possibly still loved an old girlfriend, I should have dumped his ass! Things were never the same after that and now I was on the alert; I couldn't stop prying deeper. I found women's names on his buddy list, Facebook and any time a new one appeared or he'd begin mentioning some woman, he'd disappear on me. He got mad at me too when I'd bring things up because he figured out I was spying. Of course like you I became the crazy one, the busybody, the jealous girlfriend, I had low self esteem; you name it I was crowned it. Like I said in another post, if someone talks about marriage and spending a life together I take that serious. One thing if you're dating and not talking commitment or have agreed it's ok to see others. It's another whole thing make someone believe they are your one and only but tell a zillion others the same. He uses another name online now and said it was because he got tired of all the nosey people. Nice that I went from being the love of his life to some nosey wacko. He said he couldn't understand this fascination of mine with this girl he knew from high school. That I shouldn't have such low self esteem. I told him it wasn't an issue with low self esteem but an issue of lying and skirt chasing. I happen to think I'm better looking than his new found toy but she can have him. It is painful though that you've been labeled by someone when they are the one at fault. I understand.

#20 Jul 16 - 3PM (Reply to #14)

Nicole

Marie

Thanks for your post Marie. Today is just a bad day, even 7 months later. I just can't get the "good image" of him out of my head today. Even though I know, and remember well, how much it hurt when I found out about the lies, the cheating (or trying to cheat), just all of it. He's also a commitment phobe which makes me wonder if he can be a narcissist too. As crazy as it sounds, the posts I read here while terrible, I say to myself- but he married her. In my case, he didn't even marry me. I know, I know, better for me, right? But I hate when I begin to feel like I wasn't good enough because clearly he was looking for a better deal. It hurts. I just begin to doubt myself and start to wish I was somehow different, better, good enough. And for him it's easy because he throws money around and has parties in his big NYC apartment - he's the man! And on the surface he looks like the best thing next to sliced bread. And I'm just a mess. I need to somehow pull it together. I keep praying for clarity. I hope you are doing well.

#21 Jul 17 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

Marie

Nicole

I hope you are having a better day. Eventually clarity will come to you, I know it doesn't seem like that now. It will happen when you least expect it. I talk about my garden a lot because that's one of my favorite things to do. Something I never had time for when I was with him and when I was dumped had no desire to do anything. It was a mess and in March I began a huge clean up, it was on that day after I weeded all the beds cut back overgrown stuff that I looked around and felt truly happy. It was the first time in 6 months that I felt true happiness. Hopefully for you it will come sooner. Don't think he was looking for a better deal. He was looking for someone to put up with his crap and not call him on it. Someone he can use and manipulate for his own enjoyment and toss on the side when he's tired of her. So don't be down on yourself. You are different and better plus you now know him for what he is. No matter how handsome, how much money they have or wonderful they seem, they are sick. They will never change. I hope you are doing better.

#22 Jul 15 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

who cares what he says - it's ALL projection

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/10/what-is-projection-exactly-written-by.html online these guys can be anyone the victims wants. ANYONE. That's why I am death on meeting someone via social networking or online dating. see: http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com Poisonous words: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/04/have-you-heard-any-of-these-you-fat.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#23 Jun 1 - 2AM

Echo (not verified)

Yet again

Somebody (usually Barbara, lol) posts what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. More validation!! Seriously, if I was to inflict the harm on another that was inflicted on me I would never stop trying to make it better. The 'water off a duck's back' that happens with Ns/abusers proves they are the guilty ones. Half-hearted, "I have apologised. I never meant to hurt you." ?? Nah, that don't cut it, hon. Where's the reparation? I wouldn't stop trying to make it right until it HURT. You just run and hide.

#24 Jun 1 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

great minds think alike

I was thinking in the hospital, Echo - of how heartless and deranged these guys are. If I hurt someone as bad as these guys hurt us? I couldn't live with myself. I remember about a year prior to the big blow-out with PsychoBoy I had to go into the hospital for a 2 day observation. His office was a few blocks away. I asked him if he'd come see me. His actual response? "You must be kidding!" After the blow-out he has gone on & on & on about how awful things were for his wife and how he'd never forgive himself for hurting her. My shrink said "of course, if he wants to keep living there & have her pay his bills he has to 'play act' concern for what happens" but that he could "avoid" seeing and having to react to my distress and the distress of the other women he hurt by simply avoiding it. He refused to acknowledge sending any of us to the hospital, making us ill, upset, etc etc. It was suddenly ALL about only his wife's distress. Ours was minimized and ignored. Only a psychopath does that. My shrink even said if "his wife had 1/2 a brain she'd be VERY concerned about his lack of empathy towards the other women he harmed. Even if she hates them. Because it shows a phony-ness of affect in his reactions." We will never ever have closure, remorse, reparations, accountability from these guys. Doesn't stop me from demanding them though. http://www.ippnj.org/mcwilliams1.html

#25 Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Echo (not verified)

For psychopath, read 'coward'

That's sickening. The way they avoid our distress is the most cowardly behaviour I have ever witnessed. Heads in the sand. Yeah, they can act concerned if it's their meal ticket that's needy. Once you're not good supply any more - you can whistle. If you call them on their behaviour you're not worth a moment's thought any more. I was Top Dog until I stopped worshipping at his altar, then I was something he'd stepped in. Then I was doggy-doo. :)

#26 Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

malloryforest

Barbara...

So glad you are doing well. THe article was very interesting. Apologies mean nothing to me unless the damaging behavior is changed. Why apologize to someone if you are going to continue the hurtful behavior? It is not a sincere apology. I teach this lesson to my sons every chance I get. An apology comes from looking at ones behavior, seeing how it has affected another person, recognizing the other persons pain, acknowledgeing that ones behavior caused the other person pain, and making a commitment not to hurt the other person in the same way agin. I can never take my STBXNH apologies as anything sincere. He would ask me to forgive him, and once he felt I understood his side, he would commit the same crime again with GF! It is an insane behavior. I think I had to get to a point where I really accepted that this man would NOT CHANGE, and it wasn't about me. Once I understood that the apologies were not sincere, his actions would not change, and there was nothing I could do to make him a better person, I was free to let go and move on with my life for me and the kids. It is the behavior that speaks the loudest....NOT the words.

#27 Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

quietude (not verified)

apologies

So true mallory. And the half-ass attempts at an apology just drove me nuts. Even after mine left, he would say, "I'm sorry for leaving without saying anything, B U T I was too scared to tell you what I was feeling"... (This was a total cop-out). and "I'm sorry for making this mistake, B U T...you've made just as many, and I've always forgiven you!" (laugh). I'd like to believe him, B U T I'm not falling for it anymore!

#28 Jun 1 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

malloryforest

yeah quietude

Lets not fall for it anymore!!! Mine is freaking out about no contact. Getting bombarded with emails, and I am just deleting!!!!! Feels good to have boundaries. Feels good to not give them the space to hurt me again. I just feel like telling him to go on and embrace his sick life. If he loves her so much, just move on and leave us alone!!! Why contact me? Why try? Why do I have to be his friend after all that he has done? Not my job to be a friend with someone so cruel and insensitive. So selfish these men are.

#29 Jan 30 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

The Cover-Up Reveals IT WAS INTENTIONAL

READ TOP POST & LINK ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#30 Jan 31 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

peacewarrior

Hi, I am new here. THe

Hi, I am new here. THe article was very interesting. Apologies mean nothing to me unless the damaging behavior is changed. Why apologize to someone if you are going to continue the hurtful behavior? It is not a sincere apology. I teach this lesson to my sons every chance I get. An apology comes from looking at ones behavior, seeing how it has affected another person, recognizing the other persons pain, acknowledgeing that ones behavior caused the other person pain, and making a commitment not to hurt the other person in the same way agin. In my FOO, ex marriage to immediate family it was nonexistent anyone except for 2 offspring to ever apologize for anything. They are reactive, highly defensive declaring my and other's "feelings" and also physical illness is "all wrong". It's Nistic, blatantly lacking boundaries void of ability to differentiate one's self from another. By invalidating to negating another person's existence, any har done they can position their self "right", they "did no wrong" and "nothing" to anyone. It seems they do not comprehend behavior launching verbal assualts dividing good and bad splitting their selves 'all good". I learned too late the exN/P had undermined me, countering and brainwashing our children I am "wrong" telling them they "don't effect anyone, they do no wrong..they are all good people". To be a good or decent person has defined characteristics: truth, emotional honesty, respect, empathy//caring, boundaries and human qualities e.g. one can learn, can and will make mistakes, ability to correct them, learn and grow from them, recognizing others are seperate from themselves. N's are entitled..to claim goodness they need not "do or "be", just project and humiliate fully functioning human beings and human emotion, character to admit a mistake, empathy to have harmed someone or something, make restitution etc. The exN also taught these things are "mentally ill" that white is black. I came to observe the multiple ways the exN/P covered things up as if he could fool everyone and would even spend larger sums of money to hide things then to have anything repaired or restored delusional no one would be the wiser. Their personalities are perverse.

#31 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

peacewarrior

please post your story under SHARE YOUR STORY when you can ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

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