counting the cost

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 28 - 8AM

fooled no longer

counting the cost

today im really counting the cost of the past 8 years. cant get citizenship may have lost my rights to my own country it really sucks starting to feel like no one can understand this stress,.

Imagine you were stateless and lost your own rights to your American citizenship on top of being Narced how would you feel??

Answer the question truthfully and dont try to give me solutions because you really dont know, even grasp the complexity help on that issue.

#2 Jun 30 - 6PM

fooled no longer

tonight I fell into a deep hole

I fell into a deep hole tonight when I least expected it got triggered by seeing other men so worried about their wives and me being left for dead basically while he floats high and free. Im so hurt, im so not able to even look at the horrendous facts that I realise daily all too painfully. I was always low priority. I saw the signs but I was so vulnerable. so needy after my leg operation he checked out the minute he saw me come out of theatre. Me having any needs whatsoever was a concept he cld not entertain.Not for a minute not for a day never ever. And still each week there is another stab in the back another twist of the knife. Another lie hes told against me that results in my life becoming harder and harder to live. I just want the smallest pinprick of light, He never gave a shit. Does this pain ever get any better? I dont want a relationship, I dont want revenge. I just want to live and breathe and to know with certainty what I must build and what I must tear down. what must I do? ive lost citizenship. I just want a living, a life, an oppotunity to pull myself out of the filthy well with sheer sides he tipped me into to. I just want a toe hold, a sign, thats all I need. Tonight Im traumatised by repeated stabbings. Im not just sad, im not just desolate, Im afraid.

#3 Jun 29 - 2AM

Littleone

Honestly I don't think I

Honestly I don't think I could begin to understand how bad this would feel. I would imagine that you would be feeling without any kind of security blanket whatsoever- unsafe. Lonely, withdrawn, as though you don't belong and there's no escape from the mess. On the upside- if you can conquer this, you can conquer anything. But of course that's not exactly going to make you feel better right now. I feel for you, how soul destroying. Sending hugs your way :)

#4 Jun 28 - 2PM

LostandFound

I know how you feel...

I live in England and was about to apply for my indefinite leave to remain when my exN came along and said we were going to get married. Now here that is a whole other kettle of fish and everytime went to get the engagement visa he found a reason to not come up with the money or fill out paperwork. He managed to go through MY money as he kept overdrawing his own account over and over again missing mortgage payments, livery payments for his horse, utilities, etc. I really thought we would have a life together and the money would come back but it never has and won't. Now I am an expat in a country that I should be able to live in full time without restrictions but I have no money to pay for the privilege nor do I have enough to move myself back to the states. If I don't find an employer that will sponsor me they will deport me and I won't be able to come back into the country to close my affairs down. Did he or does he care? No.

#5 Jun 29 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

dudette

Lost and found

I am in England too if you need a chat or have a moment of crisis... One of my friends had the same issue as you. she came from US to England to marry one of my ex -friends who turned out to be a N/P...suffered horrifically from the moment they married and divorced him two years later we could not make sense of it at all but all the signs were there to see.... It's only through this site that I managed to see sense through it and contacted her years later to discuss and help her get closure... She is still in England though and has re-married so she is now happy but it is horrible. Take care Dx

#6 Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

fooled no longer

Lost and found thanks for sharing

I know this feeling so well, I really sympathise with you, Im married to mine, but he led me down that road and then skipped out the country so I cant go down the citizenship route as they will check we are together. Looking back I can see that there was always this double standard his exwife was able to get him to put his balls on the line, and I have been paying for this and taking her punishment ever since. He came with all the hate women baggage. I tried to be easy and low maintenance and basically landed up used and abused by him and his exwife who he was seperated from for 8 of our 9 years together and never divorced I feel really shafted, I feel so angry when I see my friends husbands running around organising paperwork residence permits, etc etc. I basically stepped into someone elses punishment at the hands of this Narc. Today I feel really devastated and hope that some kind of paperwork miracle will occur. Finding out that if he had married me earlier on it would have been a quick 6 month path instead of this long haul that now exists is really shit... I have been raped repeatedly for 9 years, and by God does it hurt. send me a private message with your number and we could chat.

#7 Jun 28 - 9AM

SoaperGirl

How would I feel?

That's a tough question and I don't know if I can answer. I imagine I would be absolutely devastated, almost sucidual, lost, confused, hopeless, deeply depressed, like life was no longer worth living. Then, I would crawl to the nearest railing, pull myself up and start looking for some answers, a way out of this mess. JMO.

#8 Jun 28 - 9AM

Hunter

Truth

I would feel lost but as an American I feel I have right as a citizen and ways to solve this problem! No would not be an answer for me! I would take the Bull by the horns! Hunter

#9 Jun 28 - 9AM

fooled no longer

The question is how would you

The question is how would you feel?

#10 Jun 28 - 8AM

dudette

Big hugs

to you -they destroy us like anything.....

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