The Corner

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#1 Jan 17 - 9AM
grossot
grossot's picture

The Corner

This is where the Narc backs me into.

Will the court see this?

So frustrated. I'm becoming more and more angry about him having all my posessions. This is not like me. I should just be glad I have my daughter more. But I'm mad about him giving me trash and keeping the valuable things. Why can't I just be the bigger person and not be 'fighting' for things? It makes me feel materialistic. I am not this person. What's wrong with me?

I asked him to bring me the camera (we paid over a grand for that thing). He said are we going to share it? He said he doesn't mind sharing but he needs to know if we are going to share it.

I do not respond. He does not bring it to me.

Here I sit in the corner. If I said yes I would have to keep giving it back to him when he already has everything else. If I say no he will continue to hold it hostage with everything else and when I didn't respond he kept it from me anyway.

Why do I care? Its just a camera. When did I become so shallow?

Jan 18 - 9AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

I dont think you are being

I dont think you are being shallow. I think you want what is just. But narcs know no justice. When you get custody of the camera, sell it, then give him half. Thats just.
Jan 18 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Possessions

The hallmark of a narcissist is what is your's is their's. They will take everything from you. It's in all the literature about these guys. Mine did the same thing. I left fast because I was so afraid. I didn't get him out with a restraining order. He immediately changed the locks on the doors of the house I co-own with him. Then he had his lawyer draft a separation agreement where he took every piece of property which we acquired jointly in the marriage--which I helped pay for. Then he prevented me from access to the house to get my personal effects. When I was finally permitted access by the efforts of my lawyer, he made clear that I was not permitted to touch anything that was "disputed" property in the separation agreement draft (everything was disputed property according to him). How convenient. Possession is indeed 9/10's of the law. I found that he had gone through all of my personal possessions. Broken many sentimental items which I had collected throughout my life. A porcelain horse which had been a gift from my grandfather for my 10th birthday. He mumbled, "Sorry." Then he got his friends over to protect him from me. You see, I was a grasping materialist trying to rob him of his possessions. Had all his stuff, little sentimental items, removed. He had several of the rooms in the house locked with a key to prevent me access. He had removed all my possessions from those rooms. Basically treated me like a thief & had people there to abuse me & treat me like a thief as well. You can never win with a pathological. At that time I thought to myself . . . well, if I lose everything . . . it will be ok. I have gotten away from his torture. But, I did not have a small child. I think possessions are more important when one is nesting to protect a child. I was told not to leave the house. I was told once I did -- he would get everything. But, I couln't take it any more. I could not bear the abuse one more minute. I could not bear the legal horror & the character assassination which taking out a restraining order would entail. I made a decision not to fight any more. I have lost a lot of money to my N. But, it was the price I paid for my peace of mind. The price I paid to no longer engage & battle with the jerk.
Jan 18 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

This could have been

my story! So much of what you have been through was similar to what I experienced. Last night after I had written a few posts I couldn't sleep because I had reminded myself of how scared I was before and after I left. I am going to be more careful in future with what information I give to people even though it was five years ago. You can think others won't believe him, however that is the sad part as you have pointed out, he got others there to protect himself or the possesions from you, so no doubt they believed him you were some sort of money grabber or head case. I am even embarassed to say how much I lost in terms of money and furniture etc. I have ten years to work to retirement and unless I win the lottery which I don't enter I will never recoup those things, a lot of which were good quality items bought with my ex husband years before I met my partner. He too broke some of my cherished items, but he didn't break me. You can't put a price on that can you? The only sadness I feel is that my children have missed out. What he got by rights would have been their's one day, however they never seem to mind and just seem so pleased to have their mum back.
Jan 18 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

You Are So Right

"You can never win with a pathological". Truer words never spoken. They just steal precious time from our lives by trying to engage us in battle with them. And there is no victory for us other than freedom from them, which is indeed the ultimate victory. And the peace that goes with it. Mine also gave me cancer from all the years of emotional hell. My body was not well from all the emotional stress, agony and trauma. I am so glad not to be in that emotional hell anymore.
Jan 18 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Precious Time

This is what I grieve for most. The time I wasted with this jerk. Three years with him. And how much time to recover? Another year? Two? A friend of mine got cancer after 10 years with an abuser. She blames him as well. Stress. Glad you got away from him. Take care of yourself.
Jan 17 - 5PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Sharing The Camera - A "Contact" Strategy

Sounds to me like he wants to share the camera to have yet another way of having further contact with you. Or further dialogue. Imagine this scenario. You are sharing the camera. The camera starts to act funny (the flash or focus won't work, or it suddenly takes less pictures). He uses this opportunity to ask you what you did to break it -did you drop it? Get water on it? Change the battery incorrectly? Let your daughter play with it? Leave it out in the cold? Constant B.S. designed to drive you crazy and make you look like you did something wrong to the camera, and that you are inept/ incapable/ a loser who automatically breaks things she touches. No thank you! The camera isn't worth the crap that would eventually come with having to share with a psychopath. Scratch it off the list, and you have scratched one more worry off your list of hassles in life with this bastard. Just my 2 cents!
Jan 17 - 4PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Money and possessions

I so totally agree with Ellen. The camera is not important. You have the two most important possessions, you and your daughter. I left with all I could get in my tiny car. I made an inventory months before and I knew I had no one to help; it had to be like a military operation. This focused me on what was of value. Very little when you think you might not get away with your life! Money will buy you another camera and if you don't have money, so what you live without a camera. Keep your dignity and let it go. I hope it makes him happy. He may have a camera but he hasn't got you and you are far more valuable than a camera! Remember this: Most of what we have we don't need. I am grateful every day for the roof over my head, fresh air, my shower, having enough to eat, my senses and my sanity. Everything else is a bonus.
Jan 17 - 1PM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Grossot

Hi, I would do whatever it takes to get him out of your life. I wouldn't care if the camera cost a million my sanity and peace of mind is worth more.
Jan 17 - 12PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You aren't shallow and why

You aren't shallow and why does he have everything? It is natural to have some interest in your things it isn't necessairily materialistic. He doesn't sound like he is going to co-operate with anything. You might have to do a burning bowl ceremony put the possessions you are missing on a piece of paper plus any angry thoughts about him and put them in a fireproof bowl and burn them. then think that sometimes out with the old and in with the new is better. You can replace things but your daughter can't be replaced. In the deal the jerk got the camera you got your daughter and she is safe. there are always prices to pay with these guys. I bet there is a better camera waiting for you. It will be a better price, better technology and will 'have your name on it' He is doing this to make you angry. Joint cutody of a camera shows who he is and how materialistic he is not you.
Jan 17 - 9AM
Sinead
Sinead's picture

Mine took loads

When he turned up in the night to take stuff, he emptied the kitchen then whinged that he hadn't a kettle! Eventually I just bagged up stuff and it was collected on his behalf, over time I have been emptying out everything I bought under his instructions (he dictated the clothes I'd wear yet I'd have to buy them), I don't want anything that even slightly reminds me of him. He has projected that materialism onto you, I found myself behaving as he had, I can look back and see ways I acted that was not me, it takes time to get rid of their evil in you. Eventually you will clear out then get your own stuff over time to know that it is yours and no-one elses
Jan 17 - 9AM
SerenityNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

joint custody of the camera?

Sharing a camera? That makes total sense (not!) I let my ex take a lot of stuff he shouldn't... even some of my stuff that was MINE before we even got together. I think part of the reason was because he was so good at justifying why he should have this or that... and part of me was just so tired I didn't want to fight anymore. Honestly now I regret not fighting for what's mine. Stay strong.
Jan 17 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Yeah I wouldn't do joint

Yeah I wouldn't do joint custody of anything with an N if I didn't have to! I left nearly everything. I could have used more furniture but I left it so he could get roommates and pay child support (he has done neither and now I wish I'd grabbed the bedroom set!) Most of it was junk though so I was glad to leave it behind. It is not uncommon for people to leave stuff because it's too much of a hassle at the time, only to regret it later. Especially sentimental stuff. I thought I would get a chance to go back and get the photos I'd lovingly framed and hung on the wall. Sort of makes me ill now that when people go to his home they see all this stuff and probably think he framed these pics and what a great guy and how much he loves his kids... gag.
Jan 17 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Itreallyisabouthom

Me too...I framed some really nice pictures of the kids that the narc shows off to people (him being the great father that he is, barf!) The rest of the stuff that he kept, he put in storage but ended up losing it all cos he didn't pay his rent...what a loser!
Jan 17 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Don't worry about the camera, that can be replaced not his win

Your sentimental things,,souveniers,, things you got from special places,,if they are important hang onto those. The N loves to win. He will find issues he can win on. Don't get into a power struggele, whatever you do. You can always get another camera, there is no way you should share anything,,anything with him. Nothing. Take something important that will remind you to never ever go back with him ever again. It is time to rebuild, you can do it.
Jan 18 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

grossot

purchase a disposable camera if you need one a camera with him? no friggin'way ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 18 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Grossot

You are not being materialistic. It is frustrating when these creeps not only tear apart our lives, but also take all of the possessions. The camera is both of yours. He should pay you for half of the camera. So, five hundred bucks would get you a really great digital camera. If he refuses, let it go. He is an ass. He is not worth any mental stain. In time, you will get your own camera. He can never replace his child.
Jan 19 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

I so totally agree

I so totally agree with what you say, however with one small change. How about you delete everything above 'he is not worth any mental strain. In time...........his child. The reason I say this is because the piece you have written above is still actually engaging in mental strain! I hope you get my meaning and read with the sense of humour I have intended.