Coping with triggers

Thanks michele for your kind words and sympathy :) Thanks blue for your support. You asked the question that I am wondering. What kind of practice can I do work on mind control and emotion control for those moments when I feel powerless? Thanks Briseis for response. It's true she was partially right about me missing out on a step of the 'customer service standard' (didn't engage the customer in small talk) but she claimed that I didn't say even bother to say 'hello' or 'thanks, bye', which I did. I always do. I understand that the reason I'm there is to deliver excellent customer service, and yes I did not perform exactly to the standards set forth. If this were a permanent job, I'd have reacted differently. The people in the department do as you suggested - they say YES, OK and then go on and do as they think is best. They are in survival mode. They know how to work the system. I know too, I just don't care to do it in this place. My industry is horticulture. I am educated, responsible and hard-working. I know that I am intense when it comes to work. I do my best, because that's the way I am. I'm from the US and moved to the UK a few years ago. I have a bit of a nest egg and have spent the last few years trying to learn the differences in UK horticulture and trying to figure out where I want to land in terms of geographic location and position. Honestly, I've not made much in the way of friends here. I've gotten used to being at home with my kitties (who I brought with me). I had some issues before I left the US, and in the midst of it reconnected via the internet with the narc. I put all my eggs in that narc basket and then I realized it was just a game for him. So I'm still here, isolated and a bit lost with the baggage of knowing that someone I loved unquestioningly has thrown me on the trash heap with his used tissues. For the last two summers, I've worked as seasonal help at a garden centre and decided this year that that is where I want to be - in a management position at a small, independent garden centre. I've been looking for permanent work, but found nothing suitable. Things pick up in Jan and Feb, so the idea was that I'd get a XMAS job in retail for income and some fun. I really like retail; I'm experienced - and I thought this job would be an enjoyable way to be productive and not live in negative cash flow. You are right - it is a mistake to drag other people into my issues. It's not something I would normally do. Also, the fact that I involved this womans' boss is not ideal. I see that I SHOULD have said yes, yes, then gone off to vent to someone else. I shouldn't have brought up the other problems I was having - I should have just taken her criticism with good grace and positivity. It's just occurred to me that I am still angry about the conversation with the friend O narc and the way she was so eager to try and make it all my fault. I haven't processed it. I just shoved it down and it all came bubbling up yesterday. I'm angry that the troll at my current job didn't give me any credit at all. If I were a manager, I would give people negative news in positive terms. She has no history with me. She just assumes the worst of me. What human is going to respond well to being belittled and humiliated? It was a confluence of events - the contact from narcville, the aggravation of not being listened to, the humiliation of being treated like a naughty teenager. I've avoided telling my story for fear of identifying myself to the narc that stalked me on-line. I've pictured him following me around like he must have been doing for years, waiting to see me break. The more I think about it, the more I believe he is a narcissistic psychopath. The way he played his friend off me, getting her to deliver abuse in his stead. It's always been about humiliation. It's always about the kill. So maybe this is what I needed to get out, to get through. Instead of hiding myself here for fear of giving him further pleasure at my humiliation, just standing up to say 'My name is Holly and I have been humiliated'. My name is Holly and I'm the survivor of mental abuse. Just like everything else I've had to 'learn' through experience. Maybe this is something I have to go through in order to learn how to handle it the next time. I'm feeling a bit exhausted right now, so I'm going to regroup. Thanks again y'all.