Confusion: advice needed

I haven’t posted in some time. A month ago I made a decision to make plans to leave my N, precipitated by him renting a home without me ever seeing it…and then making it clear that he didn’t really care if I moved in or not. He has changed his tune about 20 times since then, vacillating between ‘building a home together’ and saying things that exclude me from his life: he doesn’t want cats in the house (I have two), he buys a desk (I have one that he supposedly loved a day ago), etc.

I did find an apartment for myself, signed a lease, started trying to distance myself emotionally from him, as I will not be able to move until June. He made the distancing easy for a bit: he pulled some ST, accused me again of being unfaithful, threw a day-long temper tantrum over nothing. He never fully disengaged though, ostensibly because he has to a major family event next month, about which he has great anxiety: he is estranged from part of his family and this part will be undoubtedly in attendance. For many reasons, I know that he NEEDS me by his side for this event…plus, he has told me so.

Long story, short: I am struggling with my decision to break free. With this struggle, I realize how deluded I am. I am being worked, right? I keep reading on this website, reading Lisa’s book, writing in my journal but I just don’t want to let go…yet I know how this is going to end. I realize there isn’t a clear question in this post, but I guess I just need some support, some reality, some tough love. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this anymore: I just feel so ridiculous wanting more than anything for this to be real. For there to be a 1% chance that we can make it work this time. For loving him despite all the hell he has put me through.

I sit with him and think about asking him if he intends on me moving in next month. It is unspoken as of yet…he has me over there all the time. We’ve planted a garden together, decorated, nested. Yet, there is no mention of when I am moving in. If he could help me pack. I feel like I’ve lost my voice…sitting there wanting to ask but terrified of the discard that might be coming.

What is it about this that makes it so hard to let go? Why do I keep hitting ‘reset’ after his bad behavior, forgetting about the hurt and just hoping that he plays nice for longer this time? Why do I think I can stand the bad times to get to the good times? Do I move in, keep the apartment I've rented as a back-up, and just see how this plays out?

Insights, criticisms, verbal swift-kicks-in-the-tush are welcome.