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confused

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#1 Mar 31 - 5AM
indenial
indenial's picture

confused

So is a man who is an unfaithful type a narcissist then ? Is narc the new word for men that cheat ? How do you know your man is cheating or living a double life ? I get so confused. I read al this and it scares me because I don't know what's real ? I still feel I'm searching for the truth. I don't know that he's cheated on me. How can I know for sure that he has or will had ow and how do I know that he's a narc or psychopath ? How can I have read and understood so much yet still feel I don't know whether he is or not ? I just don't know what to do ! I keep trying to end the relationship because of all that has happened and the fact that just recently he's started to physically attack me when I've disagreed or challenged him but I can't end it ! I feel like I don't have enough evidence or any that he's cheated other than now I've read this it makes sense but not enough sense. I'm just going round and round and I want to get out of the loop and on with my life. I'm not happy with him and realistically I can't see me ever being happy with him. He makes no plans for our future shows know definate comittment yet expects to control my life to the point that he drags me out of the pub when I was having lunch with my friend ! He hasn't even apologised even though he assaulted me verbally abused my friend and the police were called. He was out of control but when the police arrived he was laughing and joking with them saying we had a verbal disagreement ! He was screaming in my face headbutted me twice though not hard had hold of my hair and threw me in a bush ! Am I mad ! Why am I letting him do this to me !

Mar 31 - 3PM
indenial
indenial's picture

thanks

Thanks for the advice and trying to help me make sense of things. I am getting counselling and it does help but I still can't quite accept he's a narc. Keep telling myself its not that bad but it is. I know I have to go nc but I just can't seem to manage it. If he goea nc with me then I do quite well and actually feel the fog lifting easier each time. After only a few days I feel stronger and empowered. Trouble is 5 days is the longest we've ever gone and it isn't usually me that breaks nc though I admit I used to be pleased he had. That was before I read about hoovering then I just felt unnerved and a little sick because his words seemed empty and hollow. He hurts me with his words and his actions. I feel sad tonight. Sad and don't want to believe that he isn't a genuine man who truly loves me. But then we talk and things are said and he gets that rage and I just know :( I know who he is. I asked him tonight why then if you want me so much and want me to show commitment can't you tell your ex wife you have a girlfriend ? Its been 2 years I'd like to meet your children. He said no. No because my ex comes round to see the kids most days. But he knows about the N and that I've been with him 2 years. That's the difference. There's my answer. Triangulation. Is he sleeping with her what promises does he make her ? Maybe ill never know but I feel I really shouldn't stay around to find out
Mar 31 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Good questions

Hi Indenial, No just because a man cheats does not mean we call him a narc. Narcissim is self absorbtion, fear, rage, and lack of empathy for other's feelings. You know when you are with one because after the honeymoon stage you begin to feel like shit and start to question everything about the relationship. Yes, you are most assuredly in cog. diss. You are thinking different thoughts at the same time. Most of the time when someone is cheating we can sense it and feel it, especially as women. We often don't ever get the proof we are looking for. Most men who treat women like shit are looking elsewhere as well. When you feel like you are not respected, trust me you are not, and they are looking. Whether or not yours has cheated, we don't know. Headbutting you and pulling your hair IS physical abuse. You don't need to have your arm broken or for them to draw blood to consitute physical abuse. What you are describing is legal physical abuse. As for the double life, some don't cheat, they are addicted to porn, or drugs, or gambling ect...or all of the above. Most of them do cheat if they get the chance. This is why they treat you like shit because after they have you, you are no longer appealing to them and they need that constant high and rush of fresh supply. Once they have you, they lose respect for you because deep down inside they know they are crap and why would you love them so much if you were anything special? They view you as an extention of themself and since they are full of it, you must be as well. Projection, big time. Also they do not like intimacy and once a relationship becomes intimate they will try to destroy it so that they don't need to deal with something they avoid at all cost, until of course they may think they are losing it and then they play out the game again until they lure you back and treat you badly once more. You let him do this to you because you are brainwashed into thinking that this behavior is not as horrible as it is. Once they start the physical abuse and you accept it, it only goes downhill from there. You need help. As I have recommended to others who are being physically abused and in denial as you are, you need professional help to break the abuse cycle and the trauma bond. There are woman's shelters in most area's who specialize in helping to deprogram you. You are in danger with this man. He headbutts you and pulls your hair and thinks it's funny and somehow he has you convinced that this is not physical abuse so you do not report it to the police. This is physical abuse and I would suggest that you contact a councelor who specializes in domestic abuse and get some help getting him out of your life. Keep sharing, we are here for you. They often get more violent when you go to the police so this is not something that you want to handle alone. Please let us know what you decide to to and you have the support of us here as well. God bless, Goldie
Mar 31 - 7AM
spinning
spinning's picture

indenial, sweetheart,

I know how you feel and believe it is cognitive dissonance that is affecting you. However, your GUT is still strong. It is telling you the TRUTH for YOURSELF...to SAVE YOURSELF. I, too, was miserably unhappy in my situation and knew I needed to get out. It was extremely difficult--I'd make a step forward and then get sucked back in. Before long, I could hardly function and just stopped trying so I could have a few minutes peace. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. By doing nothing I GAVE HIM the opportunity to attempt to DESTROY ME. The D & D (one of many) ALMOST DID DESTROY ME. Please do not let this happen to you. The disordered one I was involved with also began getting physical--the rages and phsyicality was meant to put FEAR in me and stop me from ASKING QUESTIONS. That is what is happening to you. Indenial, can you please try to go No Contact. Don't answer his calls, don't call him? Do you have a friend you can hang out with to help with this? I am here to tell you that as long as you are engaged with this 'person,' the CD will continue, get worse, and you will feel as if you are going mad. You don't need any more 'evidence' about this guy. You already KNOW in your GUT that this is not the 'relationship' for you. HE BRINGS NOTHING GOOD TO YOUR LIFE. My heart goes out to you indenial. Please consider setting yourself up to go NC and try it just moment by moment, one step at a time. I send you a big hug and the good vibes for strength and peace. sincerely (determined once again to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 31 - 6AM
indenial
indenial's picture

cognitive dissonance

Is this what I'm suffering from ? When my gut is screaming he's lying he is covering up his lies with more lies but my head won't hold onto it ! He isn't like many I've read about. He doesn't talk favourably about exs or say anything about them really. In fact he hasn't had that many but I think the fact that he says so little about his ex is odd. He doesn't say anything bad or good about her. He seemed to not give a shit about her when he met me. Now 2 years down the line he is refusing to tell her he's had a girlfriend for 2 years and ask for a divorce ! Supposedly because I've let him down too many times !! Oh and apparently they don't converse unless they have to for their children but the gym he just purchased she runs and is in her name because the police are doing a financial investigation on him ! Cognitive dissonance or what ? Isn't that enough to wake me up ! So fed up with myself. I just want to know the truth !