Confession and a question.

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#1 Nov 29 - 8PM

truetotruth

Confession and a question.

My ex had ED. There I said it.

It happened about 4 months into the relationship. I had gotten all dressed up and surprised him. He failed to maintain. I had never experienced this before. I reacted badly. I was so hurt and confused. I thought for sure I must have looked so grotesque.

He told me it wasn't me. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Almost everytime after that it happened. He told me that I was my fault because I reacted so badly. I was so ashamed that I had reacted so selfishly. For the next 3 years he nevr failed to remind me how I had runined him. He told me that I ruined him and that I would leave to find someone who could please me. I told him that I would never leave someone because their penis didn't work also due to the fact that I caused it...I was more determined than ever to make it right. I had even considering leaving him not because I wanted to but because I wanted him to be able to be with someone who 1. Didn't ruin him and he could be sexual with again 2. So he could find someone who didn't repulse him.

It got to the point where he starved me for sex and then to the point where I was too afraid to try. For the next three years I had to live with the fact that I did this damage to another human being. I took from him his manhood he would say and in turn I took my punishment as gracefully as I could. My punishment was to never feel desireable again. To never felt confident and sexy. To never to be with the onle I truly loved without fear and grief.

This changed me.
Men would approach me and I would think that there must be something wrong with them for hitting on me. That maybe they felt pity for me. It would happen while I was out with my ex...he never even noticed. I was nothing. I just simply did not exsist. My selfesteem was vapourized. I would never be redeemed.

This year I found out that it had happened before me, with someone else.

I carried this with me everyday....so much shame and guilt...all the doctors and advice and trying to get him to forgive me. The doctors had told me it was a common reaction but I could not forgive myself.

I have not told anyone this. It is my confession. I am also asking if anyone else's exN had ED.

#2 Nov 30 - 9PM

truetotruth

Still reeling

Thank you ladies and a bloke! I am so sorry that you all know this feeling....THANK you to the ladies who expressed there outrage!! I felt like I had a bunch of sisters getting ready to go to battle for my broken heart. Thank you. I know I should be mad but this is the first time I've said it outloud. I will feel outrage when the cripping shame subsides. I go back and forth even now wondering.... I really truly cannot thank you all enough for what you have given me. Its been a rough day ( I dumped a whole bunch of my stuff Id been holding down for years here in the last 24 hours) Getting it out is good bad DAMN its painful. Especially when I realize how heavy the hurt of him has been. Thank you for your wise, kind and thoughtful words. Really honestly you have no idea how much you've helped me.

#3 Nov 30 - 6PM

onwithmylife

true to truth please read

My Exnarc had ED much later in the relationship but I have to admit and say OK for him, he NEVER blamed me and that was one of the nicer things about the man. I think it was from the medicine which is known for causuing ED. For that EXN of yours to blame you is SELFISH< ARROGANT< BASTARD, you had nothing to do with it and it is sad his disgusting ego caused you so much harm for so long..what a horrible guilt trip he laid on you

#4 Nov 30 - 4PM

imabloke

If its any help from a bloke...

Hmmm.. ED happens to all blokes at some point or another. We guys do talk to each other about 'I just couldn't get it up.. blah blah'. So don't go blaming yourself. It could be anything - bad time at work, not able to concentrate, feeling down about something etc.. my problem was i had to hold off (think of beer or football) so she (my ex) could orgasm.. (God she took ages sometimes... I didn't mind i wanted to please my partner) But also I sometimes I would be soooo tired and couldn't respond it only happened once in 2.5 years and i reassured her i was just too tired. Then on the other hand during the last 6 months of our relationship it was me doing all the pestering to no avail sometimes and then having little sleep due to... well you can guess the rest... But you've heard from both genders now... Hope this helps.

#5 Nov 30 - 9AM

truetotruth

Crushed and Lifted

Thank you ladies. I am work sobbing my heart out. The stories are so eerie. I am so sorry to all of you for having to go through that. I am working on recovering but sometimes I feel the damage is so deep I wonder if I will ever be able to be with a man again. I was SHOCKED to see so many responses. I still can't figure out if I am just really ugly to him If he was constantly cheating and had no steam If he was gay I know I don't need to know. I know I have to let go and move on but I still sometimes in my darkest hours look at myself and feel disgusted. I feel not good enough. I still feel it was my fault. He was not into porn ( that I knew of) we lived together and I had never found anything. Our sex life was amazing when it was happening. He was so passionate and tender and gentle with me. If we would just kiss he would get hard but then somewhere in the middle he would just lose it. I always thought in my heart it was guilt. Today I have to remind myself he is incapable of feeling guilt. I shouted at him on the last night and said all the times you blamed me for your inabilities do you ever wonder if it was guilt for all the lies you told?? His response was no never. He has nothing to feel guilty for. Thats when I knew there was no hope for him. Thats when I knew I really was nothing to him. I am trying so hard to take care of myself again. I am back to the gym and eating healthy. I became rail thin when I was with him. I wanted a perfect body so he would not reject me. It was never enough. I can't feel it when another man says anything good to me. In my head I say oh if you only knew how disgusting I am under this suit. Im not beautful...I just wear lots of make-up. Im not hot I just picked a great dress for the event. I carry this secret around...I am terrified when anyone gives me a compliment..I feel like such fraud. Im sorry for spilling so much. This is the one area I haven't touched yet. I had buried it down so far. I had a good doctor tell me last year that it wasn't right for him to put that on me.....but if that is true why do I feel so guilty even now? Why can't I rationalize that it happened before me...maybe because it hurts me to think that I gave my whole body to someone who only pretended to love it and care for it. Its the deception that eats me alive. Its like a poision. I was so sure I had met my soul mate. I had never give so much trust to another person. If I could be so sure and so wrong how can I ever trust myself again. I cannot,cannot go through this again. It hurts so much I cannot breathe sometimes....now.

#6 Nov 30 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Briseis

I agree with you . . . I

I agree with you . . . I think that sometimes we would rather believe there is something DEEPLY defective about us than face an even worse truth. Your posts brings something a little more clear to me. We'd rather believe we are defective, or wrong, than face "responsibility" for committing a terrible "crime" against our own self. That we gave ourselves to a MONSTER. Willingly. That specifically is something that just devastated me :( . What's inside of a PDI (personality disordered individual) feels "monstrous" to the normies. Even when I was feeling the worst about myself I'd ever felt, there was a part of me that recoiled from knowing it was worse than I imagined. There's something about human dignity here, a very deep something in all of us. I think realizing all of this, for you, is going to be more healing than you expect. The wounding you describe goes very deep into stuff that isn't exactly reachable by logic and words. What he did to you is worse than beating the crap out of you. He injured you to serious depths. I am POSITIVE it is not permanent. You can't let yourself go there. As much as they harm us, they do not destroy us. We come back better and stronger than ever. That's my experience, and that of others I know who submit to the healing.

#7 Nov 30 - 5AM

Jazzman1

Self Esteem Takes a Hit from ED

Yes, ED was a big problem for the past 3-4 years. ED happened even with Viagra. I was distraught about it and it was always my fault. I rushed him too much, I didn't show him enough affection, I had to make him feel wanted which I wasn't doing, etc. It was something we couldn't talk about very much, because I tried to be so careful to protect his male ego. Finally, toward the end, he told me that he had natural erections at 3:00 a.m. and that was when we needed to have sex. I told him that it was very difficult for me to be awakened from a dead sleep and to be in the frame of mind to make love at 3:00 a.m.. Didn't matter to him. In June, I confronted him and he admitted he had met someone online. He said she looked like Priscilla Presley and he needed to explore the relationship. He told me, "the weight gain was a problem," and I could never be the woman he needs. When I asked him why he didn't break the engagement with me before he went on match.com, he said, "I don't know why, but I can tell you this. I'm not sorry and I would do it again the same way." Exact words. Anyway, I find myself looking in the mirror and thinking that I look huge. The tape plays in my head constantly. I went to the gym yesterday morning. I was so disgusted with myself and I thought, "What's the point?" One of my male friends was working out next to me and he said, "You are not huge. You must stop the voices in your head. Remember the voice is that of a psychopath." I am hanging on and hoping the day will come when I love me.

#8 Nov 30 - 5AM (Reply to #10)

Jazzman1

One More Thing

I forgot to add that I contacted N's third ex-wife after he D&Ded me this summer. She said he had E.D. with her also and that was ten years ago. In fact, she sent him a note while I was with him that ended with "Best Regards, L.D." I never knew what that stood for until this summer. It stands for Limp Dick. My name for him is Ted Bundy, Jr. He and I had a partnership where I was on the hook for lots of debt. I have been working for five months to end the partnership (He said we could still be partners in a business.) The mortgage loan officer at the bank was not moving very quickly. I finally explained match.com and the situation to him and I said, "Let me explain it like this. I'm in Ted Bundy's Volkswagen going 80 miles an hour and I need to get out."

#9 Nov 29 - 11PM

MsVulcan500

Truetotruth,

Oh honey, there are so many more of here who have had the ED issue come up (or not as it were) than those of us who had satisfying sexual relationships with the narcs. Of course most of us started out normal, then things took a turn. There are various reasons for ED, mainly being porn, excessive masturbation, madonna/whore syndrome. All of us who had a narc with ED were blamed for it either directly or indirectly. It messed with our self esteem like crazy. We grew up hearing men only want sex. So when they can't, or don't, it really messes with us. You are going to find on this board that no matter how outrageous the question or topic, there will be several people who have been through the same thing. That's why it is so validating to be here. We get it. And we aren't too shocked by anything anymore. You did nothing wrong, you certainly did not ruin him! He was ruined long before you met him. And he's still ruined today.

#10 Nov 29 - 10PM

aceonelady

truetotruth.....

I forgot to say to please read my story,and i like to add my self esteem is very damaged,when people now say wow you look good,makes me cry....i got very,very confused....he told me i was an ugly bitch,then he would tell me i am a very good looking woman....to be honest now i think he is a closeted bisexual and that porn stuff did damaged him...he started watching porn at a very young age with his older nephews and he is now 43,3 kids 15 17 and eighteen....His older daughter went to the plice when 15 yeaars old to report him for abuse....they are SICK

Aceonelady

#11 Nov 29 - 10PM

aceonelady

Confession and question....my experience

Honey ,my had ED too...First time we ever were intimate,10 hours after i arrived from Europe in Tulsa to be with him after 2 years daily on Skype for hours ,he couldn't keep it up...he had told me before it wasn't necessary for him to orgasm and that he had a small penis,specially being an afro american some women would have GREAT expectations,if you know what i mean...Well i said i love hiim,that wasn't a problem for me....Well first time,ED and he told me it wasn't me....i said i was glad being able to be there with him,he should't worry about that....24 hours later,we had sex(for 7 minutes or so)no foreplay,he ripped my gown saying hurry up otherwise i will lose my erction again...when he was done,he said thank God,i thought would be one of the ocasions i couldn't keep my erection again....And he told me i was too much and worst than a PORNSTAR....i am a goodlooking woman,i loved him,and i am very sexual with the one i love....Well i know he was porn addict,masturbates a lot....one day later he D&D me,told me that to fuck me he had to think about something else and having sex with me was gross....later he told me he was wondering about having sex with men,then he said it was because what happenned with us,then he said he was joking,then he said it was because i was still married....See,they make all kind of excuses...later he told me he is sexually damaged and has emotional issues...he didnt alloud me touching him anymore but he would wake me up in the middle of the night,give me a kiss on my forehead and a hugh and say Sorry Honey i am DIRT.....they are damaged goods not us.....

Aceonelady

#12 Nov 30 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

StillHurting

How terrible to blame you....

They don't just want to admit they have a performance issue, or for the older men that they are....well older. My Narc never said anything mean like that, and he usually was pretty aroused around me. The only think I notices was the erection would be there and then be gone, and he would always joke and say "he will come back," and it always did. He is a nightly masturbater with his porn movies, and he has no problem doing it himself with a movie. I tried to tell him that if he is just doing that all time and being without a woman there then maybe he is doing more harm than good, but he says he's always been like this. He doesn't do much with his wife, maybe on the holidays or something. But to say mean things to the ladies out here about their looks is just as low as you can go. I am sorry you had to endure any of that abuse. Try to forget that and work on getting yourself esteem back. I am sure you are lovely!

#13 Nov 29 - 10PM

Briseis

Holey Moley, I got so

Holey Moley, I got so furious at your Narc that I didn't realize you were new here :) WELCOME, new friend :) I hope I don't scare you too much with my heated response below. You are just SO not alone anymore. Your experience is well understood here. I doubt there is anything you experienced with him that hasn't happened to one of us too. As different as we all are, the Narc himself (or herself) is almost always the same. This is tough stuff you've shared. Things are going to get better for you, just knowing that you are well understood here :)

#14 Nov 29 - 10PM

Briseis

OMG, I am infuriated for

OMG, I am infuriated for you!! What a classic Narc maneuver!! Blaming you for his ED, and then rubbing your face in it for years!! What a heartless, cold sonofabitch!!!! How cruel can a person be? This takes the cake. What an evil, disgusting excuse for a man. To allow a burden like this to grow and fester in someone they "love". Only a Narc :( There are a ton of reasons for ED. Did he have a thing with porn? Men who masturbate a LOT can lose their erection ability during sex due to getting so conditioned by masturbation. My exN did a similar thing to me, which I eventually figured out but not before it CRUSHED my spirit and filled me with humilation and guilt. He didn't lose his erection but he couldn't "complete" sometimes. He would withdraw and refuse to discuss it. Early on, in the first couple of weeks, he told me I was cold and stiff during sex (I probably was, he ordered me around like a dog), and it turned him off. He refused to have sex with me for a week, and we'd been "married" for maybe a week or two. Then, he asked me if I ever was into watching porn, or having sex with a porn video on. Where that ended up is an old story. His eyes were on the porn, not on me. He didn't have any problem THEN. I don't know how many times I walked into the bedroom to find him whacking off. When I finally got rid of him, I found at least sixty or seventy porn DVDs. They filled up a garbage bag almost. He couldn't orgasm regularly without them. Of course he didn't explain that to ME. He suggested I was a turn off, or not "enough" in some way, and then encouraged it. He wasn't as blatant about it as your exNarc was :( . I know what you mean about that long lasting "damage" afterward. Without going into too much detail, I am a healthy woman in her mid forties, I'm not dead yet. But I don't care, and the thought of it is vaguely revolting. I was "used" for too long, and I got myself some damage, I think. My life is full otherwise, and so I don't exactly dwell on it. I just know it's probably not normal for me. Sorry if this is TMI for anyone. Anyway, I just feel rage for you, True. The cruelty still blows me away sometimes :(

#15 Nov 29 - 9PM

gettinbetter

Oh yes

there has been lots of talk about ED on this board. Mine had it too and I was mortified. I had not been with him in 15 years when we reconnected. I figured that he just didnt think I was pretty anymore. He said that it was really bothering him that I was married. I callin fooey on that. He has been with married women plenty of times and he said yes but not one that I cared about. Anyway lots of reasons that could be the cause of that. The Madonna/Whore complex (which I believe was my situation) too much porn. Fear of intimacy etc...

#16 Nov 29 - 9PM

michele115 (not verified)

Ed is a common ailment for many

But I've also learned with Narcs could be many reasons...Honey might have been on the down low... Not sure the grounds for his ailment, but I'm alsmost certain it ain't you hun. Chin up - if he was really invested, he could have been creative to compensate for his "shortcomings" or lack thereof. Hugs.

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