The Committee in my head is LOUD ...

Hi everyone. Today is my first "official" day on the site. I've been lurking for a few weeks, spending hours every day reading the posts and the blogs and first I want to say thank you so much to all of you for sharing your experiences and your insight in such an open and honest way. I can't even begin to tell you how much you've all helped me already. This is an amazing place and I am very grateful to have stumbled upon it.

I am day 5 of NC with an NPD I spent the better part of the last 6 1/2 years with. Holy crap the voices in my head are loud. I feel like I'm in an auditorium and people are yelling over each other shouting out random and conflicting things. One second it's "he's a pos". Then it's "he's not so bad". Then "how could he have done those things?" Then "how could you have let him treat you that way for years?!?!" and it goes on and on and on. One minute I am calm and relieved and I feel like I'm finally getting it and will be able to stay out this time and the next I'm so panicked I can't breathe. And then I'm crying. And then I'm picturing him as a giant cockroach with the antennae waving around and I'm repulsed. And then something triggers a "good" (though totally fake) memory and I miss that time. And then I think of the ST earlier this week and I'm livid. It's the magical thinking that I hate the most. Those thoughts in my own head that tell me that what's real isn't and what isn't real is. Because of the incredible honesty on this site, I am no longer in the dark and I am no longer alone. And i'm very grateful. Because this shit sucks. Really really sucks. Coming here and reading my story over and over and over, though horrifying, has been incredibly validating for me. And it's because you guys share your stories and your feedback and your pain and your strength that I had the strength after hanging up with the distorted angry POS Monday to not call him back and to NOT answer the phone when he called after 2 days of ST. And it's why I was able to block him last night.

I have been trying for years to get out and stay out and had three periods in the last 2 years - 6 weeks, 3 months and 4 months - where I was sick to death of it all and got out because I was royally pissed off and stayed out only to get sucked back in. But this time I have something I didn't have before. I have hope. Because of you guys. And I know it's going to be a long painful road but I think i can do it this time. Because I have a place to come to read and learn and share. Excuse the sap, the committee is very emotional.

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