Cognitive Dissonance Help

I hear you saying you aren't quite ready to let go. At least you are here, educating yourself and making connections with people who understand you, that is an excellent start :) The consensus around here is that the only realistic solution for the misery you are experiencing is to end the relationship. The nature of NPD is that the person with it cannot believe they are doing anything "wrong" and thus will not change their abusive ways. As long as you are anywhere near them, they will abuse you because that is their nature. It is a learning process for us, to come to grips with the rock bottom reality of this :( . We hope they really AREN'T NPD, and thus if we tough it out, that magic day will come when that "good her" will return to you. Or you see yourself as unique enough that YOU can get through to her with your uniquely awesome love and loyalty. So you grit your teeth for another go round. In the meantime . . . at least educate yourself about NPD. Knowledge is power. Know what you are dealing with. If the shoe fits, wear it :D . If it quacks like a duck, then it probably is one. You can base the decisions of your heart on that 1% possibility that she will change into a normal person, eventually if you want to. I admit that I committed to doing this, and I think we all have. The advice you'll get around here is going to be to end the relationship. It will never be to "keep trying" or "keep hoping, try this, try that". Even the famous Sam Vaknin, a self professed NPD person, says the only reasonable choice a normal person has is to leave the NPD. If you want a decent, peaceful life, that is. People come to this board in different stages of the process, as you can see. So pull up a chair and get comfy, you are welcome here :) Just want you to know what to expect :)

No contact is when you make the decision to leave the relationship , forget that this time she finished it because on the whole sceam of things with a narc this means nothing . "Huh"? i hear you say ... i will explane , a narc isnt just for christmas it is for life ...lol or that is how they would want it , the key here is they never really go away untill you tell them to .A narc likes to shelve people like you would a toy when you have finished playing with it they put you on a shelve for next time they want a play . That is how they veiw people , its difficult to get youre head round .It takes time and no contact and de programing from her untill it all comes clear . Keep reading and go no contact and in time the CD will lessen as you remeber the terrible things she said and did and how she never really cared about anyone apart from her self . Look up the Six Step Program which Lisa and Betty have prepaired and start to go through it . Write it all down and read as much as you can . Stay close to the board at this time , you are in the right place for healing .. Big Love to you Rose ... xx

This article helped me immensely http://singlemumsal.blogspot.com/2010/08/impact-of-cluster-b-idiots-guide.html I printed it out and carried it in my purse. I read it over and over again. It's cut and dry stages. I agree you were DD not CD yet. By god the CD was so shitty, I won't lie. CD was the worst so far. I'm still in recovery and who knows when it will be behind me. I think this link can help you at this stage. PS- I'd rather hear more lies from my husband than deal w my woman Narc anyday! The worst! Sorry.

So sorry you are in pain and need to be here. There is so much information available, and plenty to learn about Ns. Please take your time to read through the rules and stories sections. You will soon discover that you are not alone in any of this. There is no such thing as a stupid question as you will soon discover, and many people here will offer you many different perspectives which helps immensely in learning to understand what has been, or is happening to you. Everything you are saying fits the profile of D&D devalue and discard. An N will always ACT like the hard done by one and project all their shortcoming and blame onto you. When you are dealing with a Narc, this is a LOT. Yes you are right, women can be just as vicious when they have this disorder. They simply do not have the ability to own any of their own crap, so they must dump it on someone else, and mostly that someone else is the significant other. Why they can't be sorry is they do not have the ability for introspection, they can only search for an outer excuse to blame. You will not gain strength unless you maintain NC, and that is sooo hard to begin with, especially when they start their hoovering (trying to suck you back in). The best thing at this stage is to get as much education and help as you can, including therapy from someone that understands this disorder, or some form of healing (ie spiritual) depending on your preference. This woman was the love of your life? Yup we all thought we had found our soul mates in our Narcs. This is the initial hook that they have put in you that you have to unhook yourself from, any way you can. They are an illusion, a person with the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. Unfortunately, in an adult it is a dangerous thing to be near. I Narc does not care about your needs, they are only interested in their own, and you are only kept around to serve them, or else. She literally has you in her control, and can pick you up and toss you away at will. It proves her power over you, and she knows it. Power is all there is to a Narc, it is their version of love. Hope this is helpful.

You are right & there is absolutely no doubt that women can be just as vicious narcs. What you've described re. your heart skipping a a beat is not twisted - its something almost all of us have been through after being d&d'd. And I can tell you I personally had those feelings for months afterwards - and I had a similar ending, the N disappearing & blaming me for everything on the way. I don't believe in feelings or thoughts being "wrong." Healthy or in your best interests - that's something different. For me, I know I wished for a long time that my narc would come back. I chased him pathetically, something I've never done before with anyone. I thought he was the love of my life & I felt like I couldn't breathe without him. I was obsessed beyond imagining. I was addicted. But in truth, he was not any of the things I thought he was. And I finally came to realise it. But it did take a long time. I think there is a huge difference between what our heads know & what our hearts know. You may be realising now that your ex is a narc & she is exceptionally bad for you & that you don't want to live your life like that. But that doesn't mean your heart will just stop yearning for her. The best thing I can advise is to try to stay away from her, try not to contact her & try to avoid any contact she might make. Even if you just tell yourself its for x period of time. No Contact is something you'll probably hear a lot about! And it may cause panic in you initially - it sure did for me. But try it, try as hard as you can to try it. For me, dropping contact helped me to stop being addicted. Its the thing that finally, really helped me realise how my heart truly felt. It broke the spell. At the same time, be gentle on yourself. It took me ages for my heart to catch up with my head - even after learning some truly awful things about my exN, things he had done to me behind my back & things he'd done to others....even then I still found my heart crying out to him. You deserve so much better than this. Ava x

What you are experiencing seems to be more D&D degrade and discard as opposed to cognitive dissonance. They do the former seemingly without effort in order to control you and cause emotional mayhem. CD is when they attempt to make you believe that what you know to be true is not. Aldo called "gaslighting" named after the brilliant movie Gaslight. My ex psychopath attempted to do this to me but it didn't work and thankfully made me suspicious of him instead of doubtful of myself. Assholes. The question is, though, do you want to be with someone that would do either to you. The answer needs to be NO. How you find your way to that is up to you but you must value yourself enough to 1. Know that you don't deserve abuse and 2. Know that being alone is not worse than bring abused. I hope this helps! CF