cognitive dissonance

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#1 Oct 27 - 8PM
Gaia
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cognitive dissonance

I am suffering from this badly , as this thread states

http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/07/18/what-if-he-isnt-narcissist

if he did this “nice” thing, then maybe he IS “nice”?….but …if he IS “nice”, then how come he did this abusive thing or said that abusive thing…so he MUST be “bad”?; he must be a narcissist?…..I mean, he fits almost ALL of the criteria!…but there is one or two or maybe even three things he DOESN’T fit…so maybe he really isn’t a narcissist…maybe he IS nice and normal but *I* caused him to be “bad”?…OMG, maybe *I* am the narcissist??!!……wait, No. I couldn’t have caused it and I’m not a narcissist. He is mean and abusive. But if he really is mean and abusive, how come he did “nice” things?... But if he is nice, how come he abused me …yup. That’s it. He is bad. I feel better now. phewf! He is DEFINATELY a narcissist....well at least MAYBE a narcissist....except there were times he was good and appeared normal....maybe he is not a narcissist then, maybe he is bi - polar, or borderline.....maybe I better look THAT up because that might have the answers I need ....”

This is EXACTLY how the coversation goes in my head, I feel crazy!

When does this end? Anyone know, does it wear off or do you need professional help for CD?

Oct 28 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

If u have doubt

You can read about toxic relationships on the internet. My exN has a clinical diagnosis as NPD and he doesnt abuse me full blown. So it is still possible they are narc eveb if they dont conform 100%. For all toxic relationships, NC is always recommended. You dont have to force yourself to label him as narc. As long as u deem the relationship as toxic, the best is to get out go NC and heal. Whether he really is a narc no one can tell unless he goes for a full diagnosis. If you are suffering now, get out focus on your own healings. All the best, take care and be strong. Hugs
Oct 27 - 10PM
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

not crazy

Your not crazy, what you just wrote, is the script in my head almost every day. It's so exhausting! Why can't we just accept the truth, deep down I know it, I just can't admit it to myself, when I hang on the the nice stuff. We just have to give it time, everyone here, with tons of experiance and knowledge and support, tell us that this is normal, but NC, will make it all go away with time and talking about it here. Hugs to you Timtam
Oct 27 - 10PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

When you reach acceptance, deep in your heart, the cd goes away

It's very difficult for the heart to accept that the person you loved is: 1. A narcissist/psychopath-who never loved you, used you, has no conscience, no moral fortitude. 2. That the whole relationship never was. That he is a predator that hunts his prey, uses it, and then spits it out. 3. That is was one big lie after another. That he is a user, an abuser, and has no soul. When your heart finally gets it, you will start to have peace. Things that are working for me today: 1. No more magical thinking 2. No contact, no matter what. 3. Forgive myself, for letting this horrible, exhausting, abusive thing into my life. It's a lot of hard work, but it does get better. Focus on yourself. Think if it was your daughter, what would you tell her. Then tell yourself the same thing. Love to all the women that are doing the work and saying no, no more abuse, no more lies, no more wasted time. NO MORE ANYTHING TO THE N/P Jen
Oct 28 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
adoette
adoette's picture

NO MORE ANYTHING TO THE N/P

NO MORE ANYTHING TO THE N/P I love that, Jen.
Oct 28 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
freaked
freaked's picture

Jen, lovely post

reading through your post gave strength. Thanks Jen.
Oct 28 - 3AM (Reply to #5)
empath
empath's picture

beautiful post, jen

Thank you. That was so full of strength. :-)
Oct 27 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Layla
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What a great post!

I loved this Jen! Full of such beautiful truth! love~ Layla
Oct 27 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
newbegginings
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Thanks you Jen

Thank you Jen for your message. " Think of your daughter, what would you tell her" Yes I have a daughter only 9, but, I know what I would tell her, and it's not what I tell myself. This quote however, will remind me from know on, what to say to myself, because I will think of my beautiful little girl, and NEVER, want her to go through this. Timtam
Oct 27 - 9PM
really
really's picture

I think most of us have gone

I think most of us have gone through that same internal conversation, probably many, many times. I know I did!!! The more you educate yourself - read here and elsewhere, read other people's stories, etc - the more you will start to be able to wrap your head around it. It will never make sense that that is how someone thinks because Ns don't make sense, not like normal people do. Their cause and effect behavior is based on manipulation. That type of thinking you describe only ends when you decide to stop thinking that way, accept the fact that that's what he is, know that being completely out of contact with him (NC) is the only way to save yourself from venturing back into that circle of thought, and work on reestablishing your life separate from and without him. How long that takes depends on how long you were with him, how strong you are, whether you keep NC, your support system, and sometimes getting professional help. I wish you the best with all of that. Stick close to the boards here.