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Cognitive Disonance

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#1 Dec 10 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Cognitive Disonance

I noticed something tonite. The last few days I have had alot of anxiety I think due to pms. I had the same thing last month. Anyway when I started having any nice thought of him I immediately began to think to myself all of the things he did to prove that he didnt love me and I feel some of the tension leaving my jaws.

I have never noticed at any given time that I was holding two thoughts at the same time but I guess I have been

Dec 10 - 11PM
Leah
Leah's picture

Sick of it - re: cognitive dissonance

So glad you posted this. I feel CD all the time. A few weeks ago I had a panic attack on the subway during a 'CD moment'. I almost got off the train...because I thought I was gonna pass out or throw up. The anxiety lingered until the next day, when I called my therapist. In the last week or so I haven't had many anxiety attacks...but when I experience CD, I'm really vulnerable to them. The CD makes me feel crazy sometimes. I try to do something similar to what you do - remember that the 'nice guy' was a facade, used to seduce & manipulate me so that ex-N got supply. And I try to flood my thoughts with memories of him being strange or weird or abusive...that helps me place him in his 'truer' place in my psyche. Thanks again! -Leah
Dec 10 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Jean
Jean's picture

re: CD and keeping it at bay

This CD is an ongoing problem for me. I try to stay completely away from the N at work, and so far have been able to. I know it is only a matter of time before he comes to talk to me about a claim. He is working so he is at his charming best most of the time - as I witness his acting, it is easy to fall back into the belief that he's OK. I visualize his predatory stare, this helps me remember. And his rage, that I have glimpsed, that was barely controlled. He is not much physically but the one feature I used to like about him was his eyes, big brown eyes. Now I realize why I used to have such a clear image of those eyes, because of his stare. I have to keep telling myself "he's acting" to make sense of him as the creep he really is. Thanks for your post!
Dec 10 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

your welcome Leah

I have known what he is for months now. We dont speak but I am still struggling. Not as bad but struggling. I had alot of trauma with him in my twenties that I never dealt with and now again all these years later. Its horrific. The first round I was with him 4-6 years depending on what you call the end and this time a year. Seven years of my life I have wasted on this man.
Dec 11 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
Leah
Leah's picture

Sick of it, you didn't waste

those years of your life. I'm sure that something was transforming in you during those years, that brought you to this point of awareness, healing, growth & change. And now you, and all of us, are forging new paths and will make different choices. We're stronger and are much more aware. I know for me, my ex-N wasn't my 1st N. Since he D&D'd me, I've realized that almost every boyfriend...and even guys I dated 1 or 2-times...have been PD'd men. I'm trying to re-frame the current ex-N experience (aka HELL) as the universe shaking me & waking me up...inviting me to see that I've been choosing PD'd partners for almost 2 decades (I'm almost 38). I've even had several PD'd friends...bosses. They've been swarming around me for decades, as well. I feel like my ex-N was put in my life to wake me up and make me see that I choose mentally disturbed partners and in particular, I become submissive when in relationship with them. It's eerie how easily I shift into people-pleasing, disregard-his-crazy-making thinking. I don't do that with others in my life. So, I don't know if you can see it the same way. I just hope you can re-frame how you see it, in your own way, so you don't consider it a waste of years. You wouldn't be who you are now if it weren't for those years. And who you are, right now, is GREAT. Sending hugs, Leah
Dec 11 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thank you Leah you are very

Thank you Leah you are very sweet! He is really the only man I have had in my life that treated me this way. I actually think that feeds my addicition in a strange way. I think because it is so foreign to me is why I am obesessed to work it out in my head that he is normal when he is not. It feel so uncomfortable to me that I keep trying to force in my mind into a place that is comfortable and I cant becuase it just not. Thank God you did not waste years of your life on this man! Good Luck with your move. Bigger and better things lie ahead!
Dec 11 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Leah
Leah's picture

Sick of it

So he was your only N. And that makes the experience even more foreign, doesn't it? I can only imagine. Thanks for your words. And I understand re: the cognitive dissonance...of not being able to hold in your head all of the 'sides' of the ex-N. He is not normal. But he tricked you to think he was. I know how you feel. -Leah