codependency on top of everything else

For me personally, I think I am codependent but that doesn't come from my N. It comes from my alcoholic xH. I got so wrapped up in trying to put out every fire/drama/jr high soap opera crisis and "proving" my self-worth the N during the devalue phase due to my experience with living with an alcoholic setting the tone for me wanting to prove I was worth more than the bottle I got left for (I understand that isn't really what happened but it took me a long time to get to that point.) I was never compliant/welcome mat prior and my self-esteem was at a ridiculous low coming out of my divorce which I'm sure smelled like blood in the water to a shark. I think it is important to remember that whatever I want to think my tendencies or problem to work on is, it had nothing to do with what happened to me. I did not ask for or deserve someone who would do nothing but play headgames with me. Those are my personal experiences though. I tend to be very lonely now post-N but at the same time have no desire to interact with people. I barely trust a soul anymore except my close female friends. I don't know if I ever will but I like to hope so one day. I do know that the one thing that consistently works for me regardless of what I want to label myself as is NC. It lets me wake up from the "spell" and actually see what is going on. It's hard and it's tough but it's worth it in my opinion as it is the only thing that has worked. Sure I miss "him", but I am stronger enough now to understand that the "him" I miss, isn't a real person. It was a con job. Good luck! Love Honor & Respect - L

The camp is kind of divided on this issue. I personally do not believe that in this particular scenario it is fair to apply that label. Nonetheless, others feel that it does apply, it is a personal decision. I do believe however, that in the midst of Trauma *PTSD* from abuse, until you can come out of the fog, it is dangerous to buy into ANY label. The first issue is healing, and dealing with understanding what you went through. In a pathological relationship, especially one involving a Narcissist - you were brainwashed, gaslighted, manipulated, and your head is essentially SCREWED UP. Moreover, in healthy relationships there is INTERDEPENDENCE and some of these "cookies" that are "pushing" the codependent agenda through various internet sources exploit that and kind of interchange the terminology. If we were to buy into that package then EVERY woman is co-dependent. Is there validity in the co-dependent theory? I think in some cases where for example you're dealing with someone that is in a relationship with an ADDICT as in substance abuse addict or booze and you continue to stay in the insanity, you've been made aware of the narcissistic and abusive tendencies but you cling anyway and stay there knowing full well, being educated...then yes, I think there is validity to that...but in a situation where you are dealing with abuse...those behaviors are a manifestation of the abuse...a result of the abuse...a result of improperly molded thinking, which can be corrected once you un-brainwash yourself and take inventory of the factors in your past *IF ANY* that led to this kind of entanglement - HOWEVER it is important to note that with these type of sociopathic relationships, anyone can be taken in - even mental health professionals - and we're not labeling them co-dependent for being taken. The true theory of co-dependency is that just like an "addict" you can never be "cured" but can learn to manage the "codependency" by mastering the art of detachment so on and so forth... Again, without debating, I think that before you label yourself, you really need to understand what has happened, get past the shock and trauma and get to a place where your mind is clear enough to reason...then you can make a decision about a label, if any that you feel applies to you. Each of us have DIFFERENT paths to recovery, and the Vain Encounters forum does not hold a particular point of view on this issue so to speak, and my opinion is my OWN, not that of the forum...but the reality is the term has been bastardized to fit a lot of areas where it is not exactly accurate and so in order for you to make an informed decision, I think you need to educate yourself more about Narcissism, what this abuse entails, and exactly what happened to you as in this case, it's almost like you're a rape victim - except the trauma was psychological and as you read, if this sounds way dramatic...over time you will understand what I mean by that. Regardless, there are members here that do feel they are co-dependent and I am sure would be happy to share with you how and why they feel it does apply, as well as there being resources on the net; however, I would caution you that if you ultimately decide that co-dependency is your problem, that you deal with a reputable professional to explore these issues, as it is something that is easily exploited. So while this is not a definitive answer either way, it is something to think about and consider. A final note, you mentioned the word tendencies. That is a key thing to focus on...we all have TENDENCIES towards things...we even being loving empathetic people have by nature "narcissistic" tendencies but that does not make us narcs...it is my opinion that the same applies to co-dependency, being women, being raised to be a certain way, rules of society mold us to have "codependent" tendencies, but that does not mean we are full fledged co-dependents...and again, it is important to distinguish the difference between INTERdependence and CO-dependence and that is where I believe many get tripped up and think it's wrong and a "flaw" Hugs!

Oh yeah, you hit it right on the nail. But there is recovery. CODA. Right there with ya girl. Love Jen

From what I know of the subject I don't think it applies. Yes, I can be a warm, concerned, caring, supportive person - NORMAL EMOTIONS! The fact is, I was not looking to change, fix, or heal, save or anything of my narc. I thought he was a normal, caring, concerned sort of man (at least when I first took up with him). When I first started realizing something was wrong, I was confused and desperately trying to figure out what was going on. I didn't blame myself, or apologize, or think everything was all my fault. I was just trying to figure out what was going on. About that time, I fell sick, and was soon D&Ded.