Closure

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#1 Oct 7 - 6PM
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

Closure

Silent treatment over and I got my closure. I am posting to tell you that closure doesn't help. Closure actually made it worse...
It was his chance to d&d me more. His chance to let me know that everything is because of me. In no way did he take responsibility at all.

Oct 8 - 12AM
Sea
Sea's picture

No closure ever from the disordered

I had wanted this closure for the longest took me a long time to realise this is not possible regardless how hard I try because he is disordered. If i say i wish him well hope to part in peace - no chance he thinks i am jealous trying to manipulate. If i say sorry for the zillion times - no it doesnt helps. He go in for the kill, demean, insult me If i say we cool down a period and be friends again - he says i wanted to hang around cos i cant livd without him and yes he would abuse me further knowing i will be there whenever he wants me again And the repeated pattern of go closer he slaps me and the more this pattern repeats the harder he slaps. No chance for him to slap me ever. I havent seen him 9 weeks tho i text and phone him at week4. . That encounter is a nitemare. I learn to stay away. To break the sicko cycle to come close slap you is to learn to stay away - NC. Let him go torment someone else and hopefully he meet his match 1 day and get slappped!
Oct 7 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Huh?? So let me get this

Huh?? So let me get this straight!! He was silent and finally contacted you to bury you deeper? Ok.. And he's a narc.. They do this type of shit!! Dazed , how many days of NC did you have under your belt?? Lord!! Contact ,silence , it all hurts doesn't it? Makes no difference, lesson learned! Just more abuse in a different form! What's it going to take to stop your addiction?? The ICU wasn't enough was it! Hopfully this is it for you . Now you can move forward! Hunter Hunter
Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

HUnter

This was the final chapter. I had 9 days under my belt. He used the closure to make sure I knew it was all my fault. That he told me not to do something and I didnt listen to him. And that is why he no Longer talks to me. Left me more dazed and hurt!!! But getting closer to not giving a shit!
Oct 7 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

The over it moment!!!

Hi Dazed, Its so hard Dazed, constantly going over everything in your head. The wanting, the wishing, all the self talk. I find it mentally exhausting and emotionally, I can't even describe how that disables me and reduces me to being a limp being, just exsisting. BUT..I have gotten to that "I am over it moment" and I think you might be somewhere inbetween. When you get to this point, it doesn't make it easier, but somehow, your brain says to your heart "STOP this shit...its gonna kill you...just stop!!!" It took these four last weeks of no contact from him after our last meeting and phone calls of him reassuring me and all that that garbage to keep me hanging to say "enough!". Yes I broke at four weeks and messaged hello, he let me hang a day and then replied ..again nice things, bullshit excuses and a "I will call you early next week". That transalted to making me wait a week and then a text first thing yesterday morning (Friday) with "Good morning gorgeous, how are you feeling?" (He knows i have been in hostipal and out of action recovering for a couple of weeks). I was trembling all week, crying, so upset that he still had not called, so broken, and dazed, just like you described...I even considered sending a message on Thursday to say Goodbye, but i didn't. I am glad that I didn't reply to his message yesterday, I finally feel, that I am on the right track. I took control and didn't reply, I don't have the energy anymore for this crazy situation. i still feel sad, even scared that he will hate me, self talk still there...even considered send one back saying sorry ....but no...I wont, because he will get me back 10 fold...he will then have control again. When you get to the point of no return, it still leaves you feeling like you explain , dazed and out of it and a crying mess, but somehow, it also feel right, my head is a little stonger and its telling my heart to shut the hell up, and remember all the crap. All the crumbs he served with the bullshit excuses, the minimal contact, and all the suffering in between. Why would i put myself through that again. Please Dazed, I know our stories are similar, and I hope that you get something from my post. It may take longer for you to get here, but you will. Yes it is sad and gut wrencing, physically and mentally painful, but remember, that it wont change, he will always treat you this way, and you deserve more. Hugs Timtam
Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Winter
Winter's picture

Wow Timtam!

I am so glad and proud of you! You are right: what is the point to reduce our lives to pathetic existence with permanent worry and anxiety? We can and must stop this insanity! I am so glad you got there! Don't contact him and don't answer him no matter what he will do. He most like ly will contact you again and might me more sneaky this time. Stay strong! He might not contact you too, to provoke your anxiety. Again, stay strong. We should wake up and realize that they have been using us. From this point everything else is more clear and easier. Love Winter
Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Thanks Winter

Thankyou Winter Our Pm's and your feedback on posts have helped immensly. I am stronger in NC way, yet, still weak in the CD way. I feel empowered that I ignored his message, yet, panicking at the repercussions and how I will deal with them. I don't think he wil contact me again.....too proud for that. I will probably still need lots of reassuring from you and the girls, from this point on. But have to keep telling myself so little pleasure, for monumental grief, pain and suffering( of which he has no idea). Now I am consumed with guilt, for my family and frightened he might get mean, not that he ever has been agressive or nasty, but he is practically a stranger and I don't know what's coming next. Winter again thanks for yr support, kind words and total understanding . Have a great weekend Love Timtam x
Oct 8 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
Amiee
Amiee's picture

Hugs!

Hugs!! and good luck..it is empowering every time you ignore yet hard to resist. Good luck!
Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It's all scrambled eggs my

It's all scrambled eggs my friend! Hunter
Oct 7 - 6PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Closure can help...

but not with narcs!!! With normal healthy people, when the realtionship ends, the closure can help. Narcs uses the closure to put you down and feeling good about themselves. They even don't get what can be another purpose of the closure. I think with "the closure" you got, you can definitely make a judgement about him being the narcs. Which is a sort of closure too. Love Winter
Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

WintTer

Very true!!! All doubt out of my mind he is a n. I am sharing this for all those that think they can get over there n if they just get closure. Reality it changes nothing at all besides creating more anxiety and stress:(.
Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Winter
Winter's picture

Dazed

I know you are hurt, stressed, anxious. I have been there 4 months ago. I can tell you: IT WILL PASS! Just stay NC from now and forever. Reclaim your sanity, your dignity, your peace. It is so good and generous of you to advise others. It is difficult to convince people to keep NC. They need somehow to get the idea themselves and I hope with all my heart that you came to your "enough moment". Love Winter
Oct 7 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

UNfortunately

This is not the first time this exact scenario has played out between us. Its always my fault and I dont listen and do things he tells me not to do. The change this time is that I'm done. I am jumping off this ride its not fun! Im not sure if I ever had fun to be honest.
Oct 7 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Winter
Winter's picture

This change is amazing!

"The change this time is that I'm done" Sometimes we need to reach the bottom to realize that "enough is enough". It is not fun and in the long run it affect not only our psyche, but also our health. Sister, we don't need that! You don't need him. Stay here, post as much as you need to vent. It will help. This forum is amazin and people understand and support each other. You can and you WILL heal.
Oct 7 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
dazedandcnonfused
dazedandcnonfused's picture

No contact

I wad the worst at establishing NC with 3 to 4 days being the most I could go. But was at my first long stretch of 9 days when all this hit the fan.