... I am going crazy. I want so badly for it to be over for real this time. For the past few weeks I have been bracing myself for it. He's been staying "upstate" for longer periods of time and I stopped fighting it. We were inseparable for a while and then that stopped abruptly. These past few weeks I have gradually stopped begging for crumbs. I stopped wondering what he was really doing and where he really was. I haven't accepted the pain - but I stopped fighting myself and looking for answers. He is with someone else. He is incapable of being alone even for a 1 hour car ride. And there is no possible way he is "busy taking care of his kids" - he does not know how to and no matter how beaten down his wife is, she wouldn't let him. I called him on Monday after giving myself the weekend off - preparing myself to be punished and trying to ready myself to say goodbye for real. His phone was pushed through to a voicemail that I know (from unfortunate past experience with this horrible man) means he is away on vacation somewhere... It was his 39th birthday last week and since I wasn't moved by the idea of a threesome, I'm guessing he recruited someone else to live in his mardi gra-esq fk fest for this week. In hindsight it was all planned. Now that I look back on the fake conversations he had in front of me. Planting his seeds in case I called him out on it. ...
It's all so tragically pathetic to me. Why can't I get past this? I know that I stopped searching for answers -- because I already have them. So, now how do I get to the point that I accept that I stopped for a reason and I stop waiting for him to contact me? Click ... refresh ... it's what I do all day. How do I get to the point where MY life matters?? Where I can dream of ... well ANYTHING. ... The one email account he can contact me on - it plagues me all day. I told him not to contact me on Tuesday. Told him to never contact me again. Wanted to threaten and scream and do anything I could to MAKE him not contact me again - but instead I just told him not to. And then blocked his numbers. I have all other email accounts automatically delete his emails - but for this one. ... What is wrong with me?
I haven't heard from him since Tuesday after I stopped playing his game and putting up with his abuse and told him not to contact me. February 21, 2012. I would love to continue to say that's 2 days of NC ... but it's not, right? I didn't make this choice. He replaced me. He went away on his own. Blocking his number was my doing and I know it was the right thing to do - but as I sit here clicking refresh - I know I don't feel in control of myself right now. I have been so ready to make this choice so many times in the past and I don't pull the trigger or I do but then he sends me a picture of a dinner he cooked me or some stupid ridiculous BULLSH*T and I cave. So easily. I cave and go back to a live of utter misery. ... Right now I am so scared of the fall out - not of him but of the pain - of the days like I've had over the past two days of crying and misery. I'm terrified of having to face it all. So, click...refresh. And in some sick and demented way, I can't help but feel like, just like every other time, I'm just waiting.
I don't know when he comes back. Don't even know for sure that he's away. I don't want to know. What I do know is that these next few days are going to be hard as hell.
Any advice from anyone as to how to get past the first few days of all of this without losing my job or jumping off a cliff (not literally) ... and how to give myself back control? Had I never called, I never would have known he was away. I would have been hurting this week - but I would have felt like it was my choice and forged forward... Now it all just hurts like hell.