Click... refresh... click... refresh...

... I am going crazy. I want so badly for it to be over for real this time. For the past few weeks I have been bracing myself for it. He's been staying "upstate" for longer periods of time and I stopped fighting it. We were inseparable for a while and then that stopped abruptly. These past few weeks I have gradually stopped begging for crumbs. I stopped wondering what he was really doing and where he really was. I haven't accepted the pain - but I stopped fighting myself and looking for answers. He is with someone else. He is incapable of being alone even for a 1 hour car ride. And there is no possible way he is "busy taking care of his kids" - he does not know how to and no matter how beaten down his wife is, she wouldn't let him. I called him on Monday after giving myself the weekend off - preparing myself to be punished and trying to ready myself to say goodbye for real. His phone was pushed through to a voicemail that I know (from unfortunate past experience with this horrible man) means he is away on vacation somewhere... It was his 39th birthday last week and since I wasn't moved by the idea of a threesome, I'm guessing he recruited someone else to live in his mardi gra-esq fk fest for this week. In hindsight it was all planned. Now that I look back on the fake conversations he had in front of me. Planting his seeds in case I called him out on it. ...

It's all so tragically pathetic to me. Why can't I get past this? I know that I stopped searching for answers -- because I already have them. So, now how do I get to the point that I accept that I stopped for a reason and I stop waiting for him to contact me? Click ... refresh ... it's what I do all day. How do I get to the point where MY life matters?? Where I can dream of ... well ANYTHING. ... The one email account he can contact me on - it plagues me all day. I told him not to contact me on Tuesday. Told him to never contact me again. Wanted to threaten and scream and do anything I could to MAKE him not contact me again - but instead I just told him not to. And then blocked his numbers. I have all other email accounts automatically delete his emails - but for this one. ... What is wrong with me?

I haven't heard from him since Tuesday after I stopped playing his game and putting up with his abuse and told him not to contact me. February 21, 2012. I would love to continue to say that's 2 days of NC ... but it's not, right? I didn't make this choice. He replaced me. He went away on his own. Blocking his number was my doing and I know it was the right thing to do - but as I sit here clicking refresh - I know I don't feel in control of myself right now. I have been so ready to make this choice so many times in the past and I don't pull the trigger or I do but then he sends me a picture of a dinner he cooked me or some stupid ridiculous BULLSH*T and I cave. So easily. I cave and go back to a live of utter misery. ... Right now I am so scared of the fall out - not of him but of the pain - of the days like I've had over the past two days of crying and misery. I'm terrified of having to face it all. So, click...refresh. And in some sick and demented way, I can't help but feel like, just like every other time, I'm just waiting.

I don't know when he comes back. Don't even know for sure that he's away. I don't want to know. What I do know is that these next few days are going to be hard as hell.

Any advice from anyone as to how to get past the first few days of all of this without losing my job or jumping off a cliff (not literally) ... and how to give myself back control? Had I never called, I never would have known he was away. I would have been hurting this week - but I would have felt like it was my choice and forged forward... Now it all just hurts like hell.

ruby01's picture

I have often thought that I was brought to tears on several occasions because of the crazy making, cruel ways of the ex. However, I have never been tearful from the moment I truly made up my mind to stop interacting with him. What I'm trying to say is that you are still not really NC in your mind. Once you get to the point of complete nonacceptance of further abuse which results in these gut wrenching moments, YOU WILL STOP. Hang in there and allow your head to stop spinning because it's not the NC with them that causes pain, it's the continued interaction.
neverlookback's picture

If its any consolation they will cheat on you and have threesome's whether you are with them or if you are broken up from them, makes no difference - I dont worry what mine is doing now, he is doing the same thing he did when he was involved with me - lying and cheating. You have to always remember that - I let him go because he caused me too much pain and destruction what he does now is no concern of mine anymore. When we crave them it is natural for us to feel very very hurt because we KNOW they are with others but we also forget something that is very important; just how deep is their love with others? Would YOU want to be the one participating in these orgies with him? Would that make you feel special and loved? That is not what I want and I know its not what you want so in retrospect there is absolutely nothing to feel jealous or hurt over. What we wanted is something they can never give us or anybody - so he is not off growing a heart that can be faithful and true, and after all that is what we basically wanted. It does not hurt me anymore that he cheated on me and was a pervert - because that is who he is but that is NOT what I want - remember what YOU want and remember what he is incapable of giving you or anyone, that helped me - x0x0
TheBird's picture

Well said, Neverlookback! You hit the nail on the head. It is not what we want. It is what we got sucked into and settled for. We really can't see things for what they are when we are in it, but when we step out of the box/bubble, we can see things more clearly. And that is why it's always easier to give advice rather than give it to ourselves. I had him up on such a pedestal. I loved him with all I had. I realize now that I was in love with the "idea" of him. He was amazing in the beginning. It was all about me. I was his princess. But time wore on, it was about him and how things benefitted him. He was never openly abusive. He was never physical. He never insulted me or cut me down. But he was slick and quiet. I just thought patience was his demure, but now I know it was all just one big lie. I let (yes, I LET) this go on for years. I was blinded. I would complain that he was no longer giving me what I wanted, but I didn't do anything about it. I just accepted lie after lie. Thanks for your post, Never. It's a true reality check.
TheBird's picture

it seems like the end of the world right now. I know things seem dark and grim. I know in the same breath you miss and hate him. There will highs and low. There will moments of indifference. Don't punish yourself for having all these feelings. Do not think you are crazy or alone. You are just a day or two into NC. Time does lessen that, but you have reach deep down to find it. You know someone once told me, "Don't follow your head. Don't follow your heart. Always follow your gut, because it will never lie to you. Your gut is embedded deep within you, but that's where it hurts the most to go. We are so afraid of what's really at the core sometimes, that we sometimes just don't want to go there." It's true. I also picked up a really good book that resonated with me about self-esteem. Between that and this board (and a dear long-term friend... you know who you are), I am (I hope) on my road to recovery. I used to think that I waited too long to learn my lesson. I was hard on myself too. I cried. I wondered what if. I wonder why I wasn't good enough. I wondered what she had that I didn't. But when I started to do a lot of soul searching, I realized the only thing I was guilty of was opening up my heart and trusting the wrong person. When I saw the red flags, I didn't run. I tried harder. I gave and gave until I had nothing left for me. It was a chore to just get out of bed. It's a rhetorical question...but how can getting out of bed be THAT hard?? It's a part of life. The biggest take away from this is don't put yourself on anyone else's time table. We all heal and deal with things at our own pace. Just make sure that you are putting one foot in front of the other and pushing forward. If you have to pause along the way, it's ok. Regain your footing, breathe, and balance. One minute of feeling better, will turn into two minutes, then five minutes, then an hour, then a day and so on. We are all here to support you every step of the way. You will be that great woman once again.
dazed's picture

"I realized the only thing I was guilty of was opening up my heart and trusting the wrong person." Thanks so much. Needed to read this and be somewhat more forgiving of myself just now. Really well said. What is that self-esteem book? I could use one or a series of books to get me out of this place I am in.
TheBird's picture

It's called "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem". Not all books resonate with people. You just have to find what works for you. This one really hit home with me, with all of its components. After I finish this book, I am going to go on to Lisa's book. I am going to get to the core and find out why I allowed these men in. I am determined to be more aware and love myself more. I know I will slide and have bad days, but I will not hit rock bottom again. I consistently lived my life to please others, and I am sure that is a major contributing factor of why I let this and other relationships go on longer than they should have. Stay strong.
janemarie's picture

This is soooo hard...I know....Ive been there!!! This is the perfect time to throw yourself into Lisa's book and her steps....it will help focus on something else (healing) and it will get your recovery process going...... Thats how I did it.... And yes....YOU HAVE TO BLOCK AND DELETE that last email account...if you do this...you wont be waiting anymore....it's the only way unfortunately!!! You asked..."So, now how do I get to the point that I accept that I stopped for a reason and I stop waiting for him to contact me?" You will accept it once you block him for complete NC and you go thru the process of healing!!! The only person who can do this is you!! What are you waiting for?? Hasnt he tortured you enough?? He doesnt deserve you...you owe it to yourself to start DOING!!!!! Good luck! xoxo
Snowflake's picture

You just have to do NC and rely on everyone here..if you felt it you would be over it...but you cant get over it until you do NC and can 'see' clearly. If that makes sense :) Feel the fear of doing total NC with NO WAY HE CAN CONTACT YOU, STOP YOURSELF DOING ANY LOOKING/GOOGLING etc. etc. AND just do it anyway.. Its torture let me tell you..like cold turkey..but every day feels a little better x
Maggster's picture

You are on the road to recovery for you are on this forum. Looking at your situation and venting here is a great thing to do. NC is by far the hardest thing I have ever done and it is a fight every day but after 15 years of lying, manipulation, devaluing, inappropriate anger, walking on eggshells, treating me as I were a child and of course cheating, I made the decision that if I stayed with him I would die a slow and very painful death. It took me an incredibly long time to even accept the my N has full blown NPD and if that isn't bad enough, he is also psychopath as well. To get to the point of acceptance of who he is, as compared to who I thought he was, came from reading everything I could on NPD and sociopaths. Some days I read for 8 hours straight. I also started therapy to figure out why I am (was) involved in a completely self destructive relationship. I felt trapped in a no win situation- staying with him will kill me and leaving him would do the same, but I knew I had to give NC a chance. The first days were brutal. I wanted to die, I didn't care about anything. I cried and ached and just wanted the pain to stop. I felt it through my whole body. I couldn't eat, sleep, and sometimes it felt as if I couldn't breath but I kept reading. I needed the constant reminders and reassurance of what this man really is and not what I wanted him to be. I experienced cognitive dissonance and got angry when my friends, therapist and forum members suggested that this was what I was experiencing. I thought everyone was wrong and he really does love me. I felt, well maybe their partner is a narc but mine can't be, this is all a big mistake!! But something, something perhaps deep inside me, kept me here, kept me reading and kept me walking on the path forward. Slowly, I could breathe again and my breaths were deeper and fresher. The fog was truly lifting and things became both clearer and brighter. Asking for help has always been extremely difficult for me.I am incredibly private person and going to a therapist and joining this forum is way beyond my normal comfort zone but I know that each and every person here understands where I have been and we just need to hold each others hands, tighter on some days, and keeping marching forward together. I won't lie to you, he is still in my thoughts, more often than I would like to admit, but when he pops in I try to focus on something positive. Someone on this forum told me that cravings only last for 3 minutes and then pass. I try to remember this when I would catch myself obsessing about him. I am on high alert now and trying to take charge of me. I'm learning to listen to my instincts and respond in more healthy and productive ways. Hold my hand and the other forum members. I promise it will get easier in time and once that daunting fog lifts, it will be easier. It will still be really difficult but you will want to work hard so can once again enjoy living. You may not always like or agree with others advice or opinions but one thing that is an absolute- you will be respected here no matter what. Everyone deserves respect and there is not a narc in the world who is capable of that. Stay strong and come and vent here where you are truly understood. There are many here to help you.
Krooks's picture

Thank you Maggster. Had a hard time finally coming to the forum as asking for help is something foreign to me as well. I hear myself venting and look down at myself for it. I have these horrible thoughts about how bad of a person he is - and I feel so beyond guilty for them. ... I have not managed to break the thought cycle but I have some small amount of confidence that eventually I will. I don't think I'd be able to be here on this forum if I wasn't starting to think straight again. Thank you for offering your hand. I'm going to need it a lot in these next few days!! Also, re cravings - a good friend recently told me to leave my desk and go brush my teeth whenever I started. Seems like an odd thing to do but it worked. At least once yesterday (tho brushing my teeth 10 million times a day will probably not be the best thing!). Guess the point is having something that is relatively mindless but an action that takes you away from the N-zone and is long enough to distract you but not long enough to get you fired from work. ;-) ... Any other thoughts?
Maggster's picture

Stay close to this forum even if you don't feel like posting. It helps me a lot to read other peoples posts, sometimes just to take a few moments away from myself. I also journal a lot- I don't pay any attention to what I'm writing -I just get it out. I have quite an extensive library on books about narcissism and psychopaths and constantly read and re-read them. I was doing better with my NC but something triggered me yesterday and I began reverting back to the what if I'm wrong scenario. I felt horribly sad, agitated and completely out of sorts. I then tried to remove myself from the situation and look at it more objectively. I thought that perhaps these horrible days and bad feelings are a reminder of what it would be like if I went back to this horribly abusive man. I'm still feeling down today but am trying to embrace these feelings as a warning and not to fight them. Keep holding on Krooks - I hope some of this helps! Maggster
Krooks's picture

Sorry to hear your struggling... I have the "what if I'm wrong" script down pat in my brain... Kicks into auto drive whenever my addiction is getting the better of me. I have a friend in town who is going through AA and it's surprising how much the steps make sense for even us. Day 4. And I know I will be struggling but staying very close to you all. Xx
Maggster's picture

Ironic you brought up AA- after responding to your post and trying to think of ways we can help each other through these excruciating painful times, I thought of AA and how the members have a sponsor to help them through. Just a thought...I'm going for a walk now. Weekends are the worse for me for this is when I spent time with that bastard! Take care of yourself- Maggster
Krooks's picture

Thanks again Mag - followed your lead and took myself for a walk while my friend was out -- it's a beautiful day. ... Looking forward to one where I'm connected to its beauty again. Hope your walk let you escape your deamons for a while and be present with you. X
phantom adoration's picture

Just finished a nice lunch and going to read a book, maybe even enjoy a nap..all about me today, following the lead as well. Each of us matters and through our own pain affect one another.
TNR1's picture

Actually this is going to sound a bit silly...but Yoga worked for me. Having to focus on the poses meant I couldn't really focus on Mr. N. Also, I started volunteering....great way to give back, get accolades for helping and takes your mind off of "dwelling" for a little while.
phantom adoration's picture

is distraction, brushing your teeth, reading fiction, watching a movie, or washing the dishes...anything that frees your thoughts for even a few moments.
Ophelia's picture

No two ways about it. It's a physical, excruciating, throbbing, stabbing pain, an ache that follows you through the day and night. Doing the reading and the work is absolutely essential but will not have instantaneous effects. Your brain and your heart, your actual heart, need to disentangle themselves from this complicated mess, and that takes as much time as it takes. When you're going through hell, you have to ride it out, and just keep going. Two months in I'm still feeling it and just wish it would go away but one thing that is noticeable is that the nature of the pain is changing, something is happening, I can feel that there is a shift and that I'm not just staying still. (Even so, I found myself sobbing into my pillow in the middle of the night last night, to my great chagrine). But something is happening. This is encouraging, even if it still feels frustratingly slow. So Krooks please take these words as something of a reassurance that with some self-love and self-discipline (NC!), you will be able to move through this to something better.
pamela1's picture

I know how you feel. It is horrible to be where you are. I am there too. I have such a feeling of angst in my body I can not even begin to describe it. Like I want to crawl out of my body. Its awful. I have had minimal contact with the N due to moving out of his house and having to make a plan for this to happen. I know 2 months ago I was emailing him like crazy and texting than he stopped writing anything back after I would send heart felt letters of my undying love for him.....It was the worst feeling ever to be abandoned and ignored and in every way thrown away like a piece of trash...I hate him today and next weekend I am going to his shousse to move eveerything out that is mine...Its going to mess me up for days just like all the other times we have had contact. I cant function for days and the spinning kicks in again. For your own emotional safety and stability don't do it. It is not worth it. You will walk away without a crumb and you will feel worse for it. They are clearly very mentally ill... Contact = pain!.... When I pull away from his house with a full u-haul I will finally b free.... You already are...don't go backwards...keep looking ahead... =)
sohurt12345's picture

I can feel your angst about going back to get your things, but you will be fine. I promise. It will hurt, but will hurt only as much as you let it. I am not saying that it will be easy but you are a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. "He is JUST A MAN, nothing more, nothing less". But the bottom line is that he is NOT a man. It's a shame how these guys live. It's a shame how they've convinced themselves the lies they tell are the truth. I used to think that it was exhausting being them, lie after lie. But then I just recently realized that to them, they are not lying. They are just talking. They don't know what "truth" is. I remember writing him to and professing my love for him. I remember just putting at the top of my list when I am not even sure I made his top 10. As sad as it sounds, it's the truth. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
TNR1's picture

Hey Krooks... I could have written your post almost 2 years ago...that is when Mr. N "pulled away" without so much as an explanation and I found myself caught up in the daily checking his FB profile routine. I can't tell you how many times I would stare at my cell phone hoping it would pop up with a message from him, how many times I would go for a walk and cry the entire time while listening to "I am over him songs", how many nights I would soak my pillow while going through "what if" and "if only" scenarios in my head. It HURTS...to the CORE...and there is no easy way to get over it then just to get through it. Unlike you, I did not listen to the good women on these forums who told me over and over and over again to go NC. Oh no...I spent the next 7 months sending him occational emails, trying to look all "casual" as my heart ached for just one more breadcrumb. He did come back..and all I got was another year of exactly the same man, same treatment, same lies, same disregard, same walking on eggshells, same low self esteem, same "not sure when/if I would see him again", same "I know I'm not the only OW" thoughts...even then, even after he PROVED to me what a waste of time this whole "relationship" was...I still could not let him go. I wanted just "one more time"...always, "one more time". I can't even explain, looking back, why that was so important...and why I could not simply end it. It got to the point where I prayed for God to find him someone else so that he would move on....give me up and only when I went out of the country and left my cell phone behind and he could not reach his "beck and call girl" (me) that he finally ended it with a text message...2 days before my birthday...while I was still out of the country. The best advice, the ONLY advice is to stick with NC..don't cave..as much as you want to...as much as your heart craves it....it's only another rabbit hole journey into the Narc World where everything doesn't make sense and you end up drained, confused, angry, hurt and USED by someone who doesn't care about you at all. You deserve and are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he can offer you (which as you know, isn't anything more than another crumb and another crumb and another crumb). Fight the urge to contact him...but FEEL the pain...acknowledge the hurt and come here and post whenever you are likely to cave. There is a strong network of women and men on this board who have been right where you are and know exactly how crappy this feels. Just stick with it and you will be ok. HUGS
Journey's picture

Where you are right now is the hardest, the ache of the 'click... refresh' the all consuming heartache of broken dreams, the after effects of emotional abuse. There are no quick fixes to feeling better unfortunately. Staying away from him and not hearing from him is the fastest way to clear him out of your system. Like quitting cold turkey, the withdrawal is intense, but it WILL pass, maybe slower than you'd like, but it will. Stay strong, you know what is needed. NC You will find yourself again, the person you really are, in freedom to be yourself again you will re-awaken and rejoice in that. I wish there were shortcuts, but there isn't, just stay the course, keep reading about how sick the disordered are and relief will grow as the pain begins to subside. (hugs)

Journey on...

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

krooks - are you able to block him from that 1 email account? I think that doing so would be a really good idea. One thing that has helped me keep NC (although I have faltered before), is that I ALWAYS feel worse when I hear from him or contact him. Always. Its soo not worth it. Keep reading a lot and tell yourself that you DO have the strength to get over this. Everyone here has experienced the extreme pain that is inevitable when you detach from the N. And none of the people here have ever been glad that they went back or gave the N another chance. These people never change and the sooner you get over this very difficult period the sooner you can start to be happy without him in your life. And your life will be better without him! I recommend trying to keep yourself as busy as possible and away from your computer so that you have less time to stare at the screen and fixate on him. Make plans with friends, go see movies, anything! (Maybe avoid alcohol :)) Best of luck, you will get through this!
phantom adoration's picture

I am only 5 months into this nightmare. I say only because that is still a short time. The first few weeks, well several were so difficult. Wanted to get in a hole and not come out. I thought it would just go away. It does not go away. I wrote my N letter after letter and all I ever got was a controlled, callous response. Stop wasting your time, it's over, you are attractive, I did not lie when I said I loved you, now leave me alone. Even in his letter ending us (22 years) he told me to not try and save our marriage because it would not work. We could be friends though. Well 5 months into this nightmare and I can honestly say I am better, considerably better. Moving forward. Read, Read, Read, write, write, write. I would say finding and participating on this site marked a decisive change in me. A positive change. I am 29 days NC and really have no desire to contact. The bad news, each time you break NC, you start at square one again, back to the beginning. Think about that. Each day of NC is progress even if you can't feel it or see it. I won't sugar coat this but am here to tell you there are dips in the process, it is not a quick fix. Just last night I fell hard but, thankfully I was able to ask for help from someone on this site. You must use all of the resources available to you. Hang in there....please.
Sparrow's picture

This is an extremely difficult time for you and will continue to be for quite some time. Please know that there is no easy fix. You must do the work required. Letting go, not because you are told you should, but because you know you should, is of the utmost importance. You have to ask yourself how all this honestly makes you feel. Do you believe you deserve this? Do you believe this is all you are worthy of? Are you settling for so little because you believe it is the best you can do? I sure hope not. I know deep down in your heart, you know this relationship is so wrong for you in so many ways. It brings you down, and you feel helpless most of the time. The click, refresh, click, refresh is testament that you are craving him and desperately waiting for his return. You can turn this around and want more for yourself. Read, seek therapy, and begin to learn to love yourself again. You deserve it, you just dont know that right now. Your post earlier today was absolutely beautiful. I know that you know in your heart that you deserve so much better and so much more than what this man has to offer you, which is nothing. Stay strong, be true to yourself, and love yourself. Tomorrow is a new day, it can be your day! I know you can do it!
Krooks's picture

I feel so sound in what I say sometimes. When I'm expressing myself here I feel stronger, I feel like the things I say matter. And maybe not because they will change my life and suddenly make me strong enough to resist - but because I'm being heard and because I hope they help someone else be strong. I am a shell of myself right now. I used to be the kind of girl that would walk into a room and everyone noticed. The person that brought everyone together and made people who were uncomfortable at ease and meshed the world around me... And not bc I am some striking beauty - I'm definitely not - but Bc I cared. I was energetic and loving and all around Happy. Would never settle for content. ... I'm so far from there. My days are lost in an addiction that I do not know how to escape. Click, refresh, click... The people who once were in love with me (& I them) are disappointed, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted, detached, no longer shocked by where I am - just think its who I am... How does one ever recover from that?? ... Hell - i ran the NYC marathon this year raising $ for domestic violence (that ironicly the SOB contributed to!) and i told myself every step would be a step further from him -- yet i searched for him the entire route and when i saw him i was elated ... Only to crash and need someone else to help me energize myself through the finish... Knowing my N, he'll be back from vacay and to me (maybe - if he needs to come to nyc) at some pt over the next few days from his STD fest. Why do I care? I didn't on Friday when I cut him off - why does knowing he's off doing this shit make it any different?? Jealousy? Isn't that insane?? Does anyone else feel that way?? And why do I feel like bc of this warped thing he's doing - which cld in & of itself just be a way of fkg w me (if I mattered that much to him & he wasn't such a POS I might buy that he was just fkg w me but I know btr) - that I'm now just waiting... I CUT HIM off. I blocked his calls. He could be calling me as I type this -- and I wld have NO way of knowing... I know I did that for a reason. I know getting his message last week was too much for me and that I knew I needed to prevent myself from slipping again... I just wish I didn't WANT to slip. I wish I didn't yearn for him. I wish I could let go of the guy he pretended to be by stealing my dreams and living off of my energy like a parasite and be free.... I wish I could live day in and day out KNOWING the self he mirrored back at me... This journey is a b*tch. I hate the morning I am going to wake up to. Dreading getting out of my sleep place in a semi-unconscious state bc I know my first thoughts will be of him. Of him with someone else. Of the times he outwardly mocked me to other people. Of the lies. Of the lack of self I've let myself experience for the past years... I want to wake up to a morning where I want to run again. A morning where the sun shinning through my window makes me yearn to be outside to feel its rays and enjoy the silly way my pup interacts with other people over dogs... I want to walk into a room again and feel like something I say is worth hearinCg... I want the physical noose I carry around my neck hanging down my back to be gone forever...
sohurt12345's picture

He's taken enough from you don't let him live rent free in your head, heart and soul. I know that it's easier said than done, but you can and will do this. When you get a moment, re-read what you just wrote. You WERE full of life. You could walk in a room and everyone would notice. Don't you see your great qualities and self-worth? Don't answer it. Just think about it. This will all take time. I can hear and feel your pain when you write. I empathize and sympathize with you. I know how lonely and crazy you feel. But just KNOW you are NOT alone. Allow yourself to feel everything you're feeling but don't punish yourself for it. He's brainwashed you for so long to make you feel like you need him your life. YOU DONT. As time passes, you won't be counting the days like you have. Be kind to yourself. It's only been a couple of days.
phantom adoration's picture

You don't matter to him....you are simply his source. I too yearn for sleep only to wake up and be consumed with the same thoughts you have, who, what, why? Now I wake up and think, wow I slept all night. In the beginning I dreamnt about him, wonderful dreams, happy dreams. Well I still dream sometimes but they are nighmares which show me I am moving forward. they are the reality dreams because as you heal, reality is one of the bifgest hurdles to overcome. Think of your journey as another marathon, a really long marathon, a much more difficult win in which you will be deoendent on friends here an elsewhere to provide you support and emotional fuel to keep running, AWAY FROM HIM. Think of him as a rabid, matted beast,with foam at his mouth chasing after you just waiting to sink his dagger like teeth in into you once more. Becasue that is exactly what he's doing. Wouldn't it be wonderful to get narc shots? they mock you and then they throw you a tidbit of affection, oft referred to as crumbs. You can not survive on crumbs, You deserve the whole loaf. I too have become a shodow of my former self. I was always an "out there" person, like you connecting people, meshing folks and events, facilitating. Will that come back, I'm hoping but there will always be this little mental appendage called wariness now. I can live with that. Anything to prenvent my going through this hell again. You have shown in your posts that you are a competitior, confidant, amp up those qualities and fight back. You are worth it. We all have been and are where you are. Trust the many here ahead of you. We feel your pain. We know what your talking about. You will not recover wiothout scars, you will not have closure, you will not get to see him suffer or come to his senses. If he profess' sorrow, run faster. I am hurt still, I still cry (healthy venting) but I will never ever let him back to finish me off. You do matter, Now you are part of this huge extended family that has only your best interest at heart. Sleep well and when you awaken tomorrow should thoughts of him cloud your morning, push them away and it some ice bream or get a cream filled donut, you can run it off.
Hunter's picture

A wife.. Three somes .. Silent treatment ..Really?. And that was only two paragraphs .. My guess is that's just the surface of this PSYCHOPATH .. Work Lisa's step.. Get her book here on the site..Let's get you going on " The Path Forward" Remember.. Contact = Pain..every single time.. Hunter
Armed's picture

So what he's away, maybe his penis will burn up and fall off. Just hope he gets a hold to some bad p***y.