Classic Co Dependent
Classic Co Dependent
Thank you for taking the time to read what I am about to share. For 3 long years, I have searched the internet for answers as to what I am going through and ended up being even more confused. This last weekend I decided after yet another blow, I went No Contact and then I stumbled onto this book, read it and suddenly realised that there was a world of people out there who have experienced what I have. Reading your stories was like you were living the same life as me. The universe provided at the time I needed.
I finally ended up at NC because in the last few weeks I have become more and more withdrawn, I have become very sad, depressed, lonely, isolated and feelings of hopelessness with my life to the point of even thinking what is the point of life. Strangely I have NEVER been like this my entire life, I am confident, successful businessman, fit, healthy with friends and family, so why?
Well it started 3 years ago like everyone else here, I met this woman who on the scale of attraction is definitely very attractive. We instantly hit it off and I quickly developed feelings that I had met my life partner, my soulmate, the person I wished I had of met when I was younger, because I could have had an amazing enriched life. Initially when we met, she pursued me and I initially said I wasn't interested because I had come off a long and unhappy marriage, well when she realised that I was the first man to reject her, she pursued harder and offered me sex without even having dated. So being attracted to her, I accepted. Well the sex was incredible, constant and she basically offered me herself whenever I wanted her. Having had so many conversations as well, it soon became apparent that we thought the same and were kindred spirits. She told me about her troubled upbringing, her two divorces and how these men were abusive and possessive / jealous types etc, so immediately she pulled my heart strings and felt so sorry for her, that it drew me even closer. She then suggested within a month that we move in together. She had a 13 year old boy and at the time she said it didn't matter, she was happy for me to sleep in her bed every night and move in, having only known her son for little over a month. At the time I was suffering the loss of my marriage, I was vulnerable, needed someone to listen and sadly looking back, I was an easy target.
So we moved in, found a bigger house, rented and moved. Well within about 4 months, things started to change. So she was married twice, first husband to the son was apparently abusive, verbally and physically, so as soon as she had the baby, a year later, she left in the night without him knowing. Many years later, she remarried another guy. He was in IT very successful, very wealthy and absolutely adored her, showered her in money, cars, houses, holidays, you name it, he did it. But when I first met her, she told me how jealous and possessive he was of other men, how he always thought she was having sex with other men and basically didn't trust her, controlled her etc. At the time I thought, wow, how unlucky could she be. One day we were driving in her local neighbourhood and he spotted me in the car with her and absolutely flipped out, sending her text messages about how could she do that to him seeing another guy. Well I thought that's strange they have separated, why would he be behaving that way, he must be a control freak. Well years later I would connect all the dots and realise that I have become him today, thinking I have a relationship, only to find her with another man, confront her and she acts if I am the crazy one.
So several months into living together, she starts to really withdraw, sex stops, she wants to sleep in another room, she doesn't want her son to think we are a couple, so I have to pretend I am just the live in guy who needs help, I can't touch her or anything around him. Then the lies start. She would say that she is going to a girlfriends house randomly to do something and being the people we are with N, we all have the voice inside our heads, saying that doesn't make sense, because she said or did something a few days back that makes you question what she is then saying. So this one time, I simply drove to the ex husband's house, the guy who apparently is a control freak and she hates and instead of finding her at her girlfriends house, she is at his house. I call her out for lying, but they are always ahead of us, she says, the girlfriend cancelled and she ended up there and why am I following her, suddenly I am the bad guy. So she continues to withdraw, the amazing soulmate starts to become someone I didn't first meet, and my only conclusion is she wants out, so of course I ask her and of course she strings me along by saying no, she is just going through personal issues. So I decide to fly to Hong Kong, give her some space. When I am in Hong Kong, she suddenly announces that she decided she is moving out and finding another place. I said but we agreed to sign a lease for 12 months, 4 months in, why can't you stay. She says, she doesn't like th place anymore and wishes I never made her move, like it was my fault. I said but you were the one who wanted to move and I made sure it was the right decision before you made the decision and she says but I felt sorry for you. So being the co dependent that I am, I buy her a $3000 watch in Hong Kong, telling her I have this watch she wanted and that I can't wait to see her. Mind you by this time, I was paying all the bills, groceries etc and she was sending me broke. When I arrived back in Australia, she made up this elaborate story about having a work function on a Tuesday night. Now in Australia, that is almost unheard of around winter, so my radar was up and I knew something was going on. Well, when I got home, she wasn't there so I looked at her computer and there on her emails was her setting up a sex night with a strange man she met on a dating site. Well I rang her, blasted her and said how could she do this to me. She said, she was sorry but was still going ahead with it anyway. Anyway she comes home and makes up a story that she didn't do it with him, changed her mind and left. Then she showered me in love and attention because I basically spent about $5000 on her and her son with all these gifts. So I foolishly believed her and we continued on.
I should digress quickly and tell you that when I first met her, she told me she had a neurological disease so naturally I felt compassion for her and wanted to look after her. To this day, I have never seen a symptom of the disease, but she takes a lot of medication and is addicted to painkillers, anti depressant drugs etc. Also she told me that I need to never be jealous so if she had male friends I should be accepting of that. So again I wanted to prove to her that I was not like these other men and could handle the strange men in her life and let me tell you, did she have an endless supply of men's attention. But always it was them draining her, she wasn't interested, she wished they would leave her alone.
So she moves out, I get my own place and we keep seeing each other. When she feels like it, she gives me sex, but it happens once every 3 or 4 months. Everytime I want something, she is too tired, not feeling well etc etc. So she buys herself a new house. Mind you her family hate her. Her mum moves interstate, her sister and her haven't spoken in years, so she decides they all owe her money she lent them and gets the lawyers onto them. They pay her over $130,000 and of course she will never see them again, so she has no one, she seems to discard people very easily, but again, I get the story of how mean they are and I believe her and support her. By this time, even though I am not living with her, I am basically her personal servant. I would pay her bills, fines, give her money, do her housework, gardens. I think I have spent almost $50,000 on her and for what?? So she buys a new house and then suddenly starts with her withdrawal agains. Not texting, always busy, can't see me, goes out with friends etc but I never get invited, starts spending time with the ex husband at school sports etc, so I am questioning her. I ask her why she doesn't include me, I am the one person who is the closest to her, I do all these things to help her etc and all I get is that I am being paranoid, possessive etc. One weekend she tells me she is not well and cannot see me, so I believe her. Then come Monday after not seeing her for days, I say why don't I come around and she says I have the flu and am going to bed early and will have my phone off. So I go about my business, go to the gym and then get dinner. As I am driving home, I drive past a local restaurant and I think I see her. My mind says I am imagining it, so I turn around drive back just to be sure and sure enough it is her. She trys to run away with guy she is with and I confront her, and all I say is why?? It's me, why are you doing this to me?? I was so shattered. She made out it was just a friend and I was imagining things. Well I had access to email password, I know it wrong what I did, but with these people you become desperate, a different person, you need answers. So in her email was messages between her and this guy. Turns out he was the real estate agent that sold her the house, he was married and they had had sex that weekend and were talking about it. So I lost it with her, called her all sorts of names, totally flipped out. She said she would never speak to me again.
So I moved on, still desperate to rekindle, of course I felt like I was to blame, I was the bad guy for losing it, checking her emails, yet she was the one who lied, deceived and cheated, somehow she turned it back on me. I was a mess, I was begging her for forgiveness. I cried for 7 days straight, a grown man, crying as much as when my mother died. She remain cold and distant, but would give me little nuggets of hope which I would cling onto. I was totally dependent on her and she had all the control. Well eventually I thought it was a lost cause, so I met a new woman. When she found out, I started to get text messages about how she missed me, what was I doing etc and wanted to see me. Before I knew it, I had broken off the new woman and was back to my N. We had sex and she gave me everything I need to get me hooked again.
Several months later after I was hooked again. I went and bought her new furniture for her house, showered her in money, did everything for her. Come Christmas that year, we were getting along so well, all was good. Then suddenly out of nowhere, she decides she wants to spend Christmas with the ex husband. She knows I didn't have a lot of family, I was devastated as she knew I would be sitting at home alone on Christmas day. Then around that time leading up to NYE, she becomes cold and distant again. Of course I try desperately to hold on. I bought her amazing Christmas presents and her son as well. She decides that NYE she doesn't want to spend it with me, but her friends and I was not invited. NYE comes, I text her, no response. I don't even get a happy NYE. New Years Day I text her, like it would've been nice to hear from you and she says, 'You are a big boy, you will get over it' Then a few days later we get a coffee, like everything is back to normal and she says, I have something to tell you. She says her and her ex husband are going to try and rekindle. Well I said, I don't chase married women. She is till legally married to this guy, even though they have been separated for 5 years. So I exit, then after a few weeks, whilst the ex husband, like me is holding onto the hope that the love of his life has finally decided to come back, she is having sex with me with my place several times. She dumps the ex husband and then proceeds to again slowly withdraw, sex stops, you get the drill by now.
Fast forward to this year, I decide after she has had a terrible year. Apparently all these men at her work were sexually harassing her, one in particular. So she decides to take the company to court, sues them for $100,000 and wins. The guy that sexually harassed her, she used to go fishing and away with him and his girlfriend and he helped her a lot. Now I don't deny he said what he said, but again I believe she allowed it to happen. Please don't shoot me down for that comment, because trust me, if you knew her, this is her modus operendae. Anyway, so I decide to help her get off all her medications etc, I pay for a trip to Thailand, all expense paid, business class airfares, staying in one of the world's best detox resorts Kamalaya. It cost me $14,000 and before the trip she started to withdraw again, usual story. I really thought she was going to cancel as she always cancel dates at the last minute. She did it on my birthday, once, I had booked a weekend away, again I paid for everything on my birthday and on the day she rings me and says she doesn't feel like coming. Anyway back to Thailand, we get there and I kid you not, within 3 days she says to me she doesn't want to be there anymore and decides to change her flights and leaves me in Thailand on my own. I was completely devastated, I cried in front of her and ask her why she does this to me, I tell her how she withdraws all the time, she never invites me out etc etc and she is just so cold towards me and then says she doesn't want to talk about it. That is the other thing about her, I spend hours listening about her life stories and tragedies and when it is my turn to talk about me, she always says to me, do we have to talk, I am tired, I don't feel like talking anymore.
Anyway, I am getting to the end soon. So after Thailand, I execute No Contact, block her etc. Well she loses it and begs me to see her and hoovers like you have never seen. Says she loves me, wants me, wants us to work etc etc etc. Mind you for the past 2 years, it is always on and off and she is always in control. I get to sleep over when she decides, I am not allowed to let her son know we are an item. That;s the other thing, she never tells anyone about me or that we are couple. Even before Thailand, she was telling people she was going on a business trip on her own, even my own accountant. So I cautiously agree to give her a chance, seeing as though she did this amazing job of convincing me about her love for me. So that was August 2015. Since then it was really great for a few weeks, I was back sleeping in her bed for weeks every night, no sex of course, but rather than push me away when I try to touch her, she would let me touch her. But of course in the last 5 weeks, the slow progression of withdrawing has begun. I pick her up every day and drive her to and from work. She has a car and she has money, but me being the sucker I am, I try to help her out. When it comes to weekends, she always has some excuse as to why I cant spend time with her, but miraculously come Sunday night, she is so sweet to me because she wants her personal driver to pick her up. Last week, Fleetwood Mac were touring. I suspect she is seeing someone, or something is going on, because in the last 8 weeks, she talks about up to 8 different men. She was buying jeans for a co worker she barely knows, a shirt she personally wrapped up for another, and tells me about these other men that do things for her etc. She also started grooming excessively in the last week. the past 4 months she hasn't because she says to me she is not interested in sex, suddenly she is all groomed and pushing me away. So again Mr Nice Guy, offers to buy her concert tickets at $300 each. I asked if she wanted to go and at first she was like, can I get back to you, I am not sure and I am like how hard is it, it is Friday night and her favourite band. She then agrees. Well Friday, comes, she ignores all day Thursday and Friday, no texts, nothing and this is someone who texts me up to 6 times or more a day. She says she is still coming, so when I pick her up, she puts on this almighty act of coming down with the flu. Of course I believe her and I lose the money and don't go. Well on Saturday when we are talking, she forgets her lies and lets out that she was having coffee that day and someone strange guy bought her coffee. She apparently went to work in the morning then came home. Well I had to know, so I checked her purse and in there was receipt for a beauty salon, 3 hours before I picked her up, so you tell me if you think she was sick that day after being at a beauty salon surrounded by people who you wouldn't want to get the flu and at a café.
Anyway come Sunday, I just decided, I am tired of the guessing games, the paranoia, the pain, the hurt, sadness and everything else that comes with these people. I went no contact, I first got from her to forgive her and that she loves me and guess what she finally wants to spend a week end with me and take me to dinner, isn't that just so nice of her. Then a day later after no responding to any texts, I get that she is sick of me being on and off and she is done with me and that I should never contact. I forgot to tell you that for the past 18 months I also pay for her and her son's health insurance and home internet every month. Since I have known her, she has bought me two gifts, she has barely ever thanked me and well you know the story. Apparently when I question her or get upset I am passive aggressive, she never wants to speak about anything, when I do question her, she attacks me and gets extremely aggressive. Yes I am a wreck from this, I like others still think maybe it's me, maybe I am the problem, maybe I should contact her. I am addicted to her, I know it, I know how many times I have run back, how I pay and do everything for her, I would be the perfect husband in many women's eyes. But still I think maybe it was me, she is so nice, so sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly. My last departing comment is on Saturday night, the night before NC, she said to me after I asked her why a tradesman she has only known for a few weeks who is doing her bathrooms, would give her a $500 tap for her kitchen for free, seemed strange as he did not even renovate the kitchen. She said to me "These men adore me and they will do anything for me, I trust them implicitly and I have this way with people where I can get people to do whatever it is I want"
Thanks for listening