Chronic Relapser

So close. I have letters in my drafts I wrote I never sent. Things I wanted validated that I know would never BE validated. I wanted him to know sacrifices I made for him. As if he would care. I want him to know that I am doing well. I want him to know that other people respect my schedule and sleep. He shoulda worked for the CIA. I couldn't wait for waterboarding! Sleep deprivation was a blast! NOT!!! And in line with that, probably the hardest lesson of all, in regards to SLEEP, was that my oldest daughter, her husband and my grandson were almost killed on the way to bury their best friend, who was a maid of honor in their wedding.... Her husband got tired and hit a guardrail....blew out tires, twisted frame, damn near totaled the SUV. My last "date" with the N, I was so tired after working 11 days, and getting 4 hrs sleep and being up for 20 hrs I don't know how I made it home and stopped in an intersection instead of in front of it. Luckily it was after midnight. And I told him that. All he kept repeating on the phone when I got home after I kept saying "I was missing turns that I should have never missed" was... "I had a great time" and kept repeating it over and over louder and louder....as if to upstage me. Or convince me he did. Not glad you are ok. Or OMG, I am sorry I kept you out. Or OMG!!! You are RIGHT ON THE WAY HOME! LET ME TAKE YOU HOME!!!! We can get your car tommorrow. Or I can call you a cab. I'm loaded, you know. Narcs are like Black Holes in the universe. What is a Black Hole you say? A black hole is a super dense object that has an intense gravitational pull from which no light can escape Emphasis on SUPER dense. ;)

You will find the strength eventually! Stop yourself next time you feel you are slipping. Validation? You want to hear what he thinks? How he feels? Why? Makes no difference, won't change a damn thing. When my husband left (narc #1) I didn't get any closure, nor did I require it. Everyone was aghast! Demanding to me that I demand from him, an explaination..........What the f#*% for? Will it make a difference? Will it change anything? NO!!!!! They didn't get it.........why must I have to HEAR what he thinks of me, of us, of himeslf.......hasn't enough damage been done? I chose to let him walk away, hold my head high and behave in a dignified manner regarding the end of our "storybook marriage". Everyone that told me I NEEDED TO HEAR IT STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, in order to "MOVE" on was ridiculous and looking for drama to fulfill their own desires probably. I don't need to know "what went wrong" and I refuse to take ANY responsibilty for the demise of the marriage. That may sound unrealistic but it is what it is, I was a damn good wife, devoted, loyal, patient, kind, caring and respectful......I need to hear nothing from the mouth of a narc, especially him. His lies and deceit are irrelevant to my recovery. Bottom line.........HE IS A PIECE OF SHIT, SELF CENTERED NARCISISTIC BASTARD WHO FEELS HE HAS THE RIGHT AND ABILITY TO USE AND WALK ALL OVER ANYONES HEART. I say "not this girl, in your face narcboy" Just saying.............. :)

These people are sick predators, their agenda is to hurt! See what a good job he's doing! If you want to move forward remember what you wrote the next time you want to contact him! What's the point! Hunter

Is because an addict will deny the root causes of their addiction as a tenet of their steps...an addict will say they are powerless and they have to leave it up to the heavens...an addict is told not to look at the past, there is always tomorrow and while that is a good thing, I think in many cases, addicts need to look at what drove them to pick up in the first place. I think although not a doctor, many mental illnesses are developed from bad childhoods, they manifest as a way of coping and bad things in our childhoods end up affecting us...just an opinion... You see, you realize and you have insight...you ARE NOT POWERLESS...you have a lot of power and a good support forum to help you through who is encouraging you to get it out and not just in five minutes before the collection plate is passed. You are not like an addict because you do realize that in time this will pass...it is not a "disease"...it's a feeling, and it's normal to have them... Again, no disrespect to addicts, many do work a WELL rounded program and make the effort to keep striving, not just lean on one particular crutch but do the work all around, but many also stick to one thing that in research is not as effective as it COULD be - hence I surmise the reason why "Once and addict always an addict" When we are dealing with abuse, we are not like addicts, we are victims fighting abuse, cognitive dissonance, brainwashing, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting all forms of abuse...we were legitimately powerless over this, we did not knowingly choose this. Addicts, the first time they raise the crack pipe or stick that needle in their arm know the dangers of drugs, they do it anyway to escape pain, to feel good, because they want to try it...but they go into that knowing what they are about to do and the risks...VICTIMS of these Demented individuals had not prior knowledge. YOU ARE NOT LIKE AN ADDICT...and again, I am not judging addicts, but I feel very strongly that we understand the issues. For those that are addicts, I think that it is prudent to continue doing whatever has been helping you thus far; however, when it comes to ABUSE...there is another way to deal with it, and that does not involve taking blame... Essentially, you now have your 12 steps, plus your 6 to get you through...there is hope for healing regardless of the circumstances. For those that aren't true "addicts" use the six steps...they only involve you and the work - no more no less - understand it, get it out, go NC, then soar...you ae in control and you have the power... Hugs!

{{[dentalas}}} I'm so sorry. :=( Gosh, I wish I had the right thing to say. Like you, while he and I live in different states (thank the Lord lol) ...I have lurked on that stupid website one too many times since our breakup. It's no different than you lurking down his street...in front of his house. Ugh, I wish I knew why we do this. Perhaps, there is a morbid curiousity. I broke up with my ex, and while I'm dating, I don't feel the need to share it with the world on that site. He, however...hahahaha! So, I've reduced my lurking 'habits,' but why do I still sometimes...lurk? Validation is all that comes to mind. I know why I was sucked in by him to begin with...I needed validation. But, I no longer need it nor want it. But, old habits die hard! lol So...perhaps you too want some type of validation. If you see his car, and no other one in the driveway, it sends a message that he's home. You sigh with relief. But, why? What does it matter that these men have moved on? It doesn't. And that's the key. Thing is, dentalas. They don't ever move on. They recycle women. Women narcs recycle men. I have seen it in action with ex narcs from my past. This narc recently, would make my third narc. AND LAST LET ME TELL YA! LOL But, when they are bored, run out of supply...get dumped...whatever...they come a knockin. And it's not flattering. It's not about us. It's about the new supply they want and crave. I can tell by lurking this past week that my ex is on cloud nine...high from the attention he's getting from the online strangers from the site...lol and high from the new girl. Looks like he found someone who is willing to accept him for who he is...a classless womanizer. lol Good for him! There's always another chick in line for a loser. Amazing, isn't it? But...anyways. Back to you and your lurking. Try very hard to stop the behavior, even if you desire it. Over the course of a week...of not driving by...you will eventually have no desire to go down his street. It's strange, but our minds...when they start disconnecting from common habits, eventually...we stop obsessing and start living. Naturally. Nothing good comes from lurking. On websites. on FB. In front of their homes. Nothing. It just keeps us stuck...and prevents us from healing. We deserve a good life and people who love us in our lives. Remember that! Hugs and God bless...

{{{tresor}}} I so can identify with you. I too hooked up with a popular/powerful type. Sadly...he's not powerful at all. He's only 'popular' online. lol His life is an average life. He doesn't give to charity. He has never met 2 out of his 3 kids, and he could care less. He pays child support cuz he has to. He has an average job. Drives an average car, but you think he's driving a ferrari. lol He's average. Like most of us. We all are pretty ordinary. I don't judge him; but he would have everyone believe he is a king. That women are at his beckoned call. That he gets whatever he wants, when he wants. I read a little about psychopaths recently, on the topic of this very thing. They often are very good at making people believe that they are living 'the life.' They are very adept at making people feel that everything that has ever happened to them that is bad, was not their fault. They are masters of twisting truth, and manipulation. So...no wonder we are in the boats we're in. You and I and the other kind folks here, gave our hearts...simply and purely. No agendas. But, psychopaths/narcs...they always have ulterior motives. How I would suggest you view him now...is as not necessarily an evil person, but a person who represents evil. I have prayed about this. And now and again, the Holy Spirit will speak to us...in a still small voice if we really listen. And this past week, I felt His voice tell me to view this man as part of darkness. He is not part of the Light. He abhors God. He runs from Christ. Whenever the ex and me would have talks about God, he would change the topic. He claims he grew up christian, but God knows, he lives far from Truth. He makes up his own truths. So, if living according to God's will...and love, is important to you, you will have an easier time turning away from those things that are dark. Narcs are dark people. They mean us harm. I know there are reasons behind their madness, but when it comes to my walk with Christ, I have to let go of all that, and just walk away from the darkness. His minions are dark, too. They don't necessarily mean me harm, but it hurts knowing I was nothing really more to them than mere entertainment. The narc's and my relationship was entertaining for them, from start to the break up. Sad, but many people are parasites and they live off the misery of others. So...we now have choices, tresor. To live in light or darkness. I lived in darkness for a while. The narc represents darkness. We are to try to look at people through God's eyes. I see a broken man, who all he has is endless trashy women...in and out of his bed...to hopefully, make him feel better about himself. I see kids who don't know him. I see a man who has his priorities all mixed up. A man who steps on people, mocks them, hurts them...and thinks he's coming out on top. But, at the end of the day...there is no rest or peace for the narcissist. It takes time, but eventually, you will not wish to share good things that happen to you...you will not seek his validation. For...why would we want to be validated by darkness? Hope this helps.

I'm sure most of us would agree that we could have done without the narc experience. So many of us have come from abusive backgrounds...yet somehow we refused to let it all destroy us. One thing that impresses me is just how strong we are! I look at the women around me, and you inspire me so much. I wish I were as strong you all are!. I admire and respect you all! On another note: Reading how these knuckleheads operate helps reinforce my determination not to weaken. Here's a link such of what I mean: http://blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/2011/07/08/covert-narcissists-their-devious-traps-and-snares.aspx Covert Narcissists-Their Devious Traps and Snares (partial article) Covert narcissists on their game are so smooth, you don't realize you have been psychologically mugged until it is too late. The covert narcissist is a genius at putting you off guard. The conversation begins pleasantly. There are easy verbal exchanges at first. You become spontaneous with this person. You are on a roll and having a good time. Then, without any warning, come the precision cuts with a very sharp implement, the primitive projections of the the covert narcissist. Different covert narcissists have perfected different styles for ambushing you and making you feel worthless, incompetent, anxious,confused, unsure of yourself, emotionally hurt and ultimately very angry. There are who appear to ask innocent questions. They want to get to know you. You start to get comfortable with them. You let down your defenses. They start to ask personal questions beyond what kind of work do you do. How much do you make. What are the taxes on your house. How much did it cost to re-do your kitchen, how much money do you have in the bank,how are your stocks doing and which ones do you have, what are they worth, do you have any illnesses, are you divorced, single, between marriages, and on and on. It never stops. Covert narcissists have no psychological boundaries, no respected or awareness of the feelings of others.When they find a sore spot they probe more deeply. You are now becoming more and more uncomfortable and anxious but you feel compelled to answer them.You are afraid they will become angry with you. You are being overwhelmed by the force of their personality. They view themselves as supreme controllers. Your private information give them a feeling of power over you that they can use to manipulate your feelings. (follow link to read all of it)

I can so identify with your post. I feel the same way. We want them to validate us but from what I have been reading it's not going to happen. Hang on in there...

Because when you become enmeshed with these people, you lose your sense of self. When you have no semse of self you look to them for your self worth. For so many years every thing revolved around him. What he wanted, what he was thinking, what made him happy, there wasn't any time or room left over for you. You literally become part of him. When he's gone that's what the emptiness is. Emptiness is always at the root of addicton. You havd to slowly find yourself again. It takes a long while especially after 8 years.

I can completely identify with this. I can't even get to a month. I am still working towards a week with zero contact whatsoever. It is so difficult. But, and I think you would agree, each round it gets pounded into my head more and more that nothing will change. Each time, I realize how much I truly don't like him. Eventually it'll all be finished.

BRAVA!!! Seriously...remarkable and on target insight, tresor!! You said something very striking--''it keeps me from looking inward and doing the work.'' Exactly who I once was, when I met the narc, and ones before him. I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive household as a kid. Abusers are 'the norm' for me. It's no wonder we are attracted to and gravitate towards abusers. That said. I broke things off with my ex a few months ago, and have been doing the work. LOTS OF TEARS. Lots of getting up from my desk at work, and going to cry in the restroom. Lots of prayer. Lots of shame in front of God. Lots of bad feelings from my childhood, that I had to cope with. BUT...at the same time...I'm now free. Free from my childhood. It's no longer my identity! And whatever led you to your narc, it doesn't have to hold you in bondage either! Do the work. Keep on keepin on. It's easy to tell someone...'forget about the narc and the OW.' I won't tell you this. Because I know that once you continue to do the work on yourself...and pray and stay close to God ...you will heal. It will become less of an effort to stay NC and to stop thinking about the ex. It's quite amazing when that happens. I have wanted to lurk on that website we belonged to today, and didn't. I didn't have the cutting desire. Of course, a 'friend' reported what he's saying to me. But, in time, all these ''friends'' will be a thing of the past too. Taking back your life. And controlling it. It's all part of the healing process. It's not easy, no doubt. But, it's worth it. For if we don't do the work...remember the alternative. Hugs & prayers for you.