On choices

The shame and self blame are as normal as missing the "good him" . . . but just as unfounded in reality ((((hugs)))) I know that shame. I still live with it. It's not in my face torturing me anymore, but it's there. The subject just comes up. I don't mean here, I feel NO shame whatsoever here, but IRL. Around the unbaptized masses LOL (baptized by NPD). Being involved in a support board, over time, gradually reinforced the self understanding, rather than the shame/blame. That's just one thing . . . therapy, reading, educating myself, doing purposeful "good" things a bit beyond my comfort zone to get my confidence back, all that stuff also reinforced that YES, I made some mistakes. But I don't have to make more of them. The longer I go on, the more I am convinced that the PDI casts a kind of psychological "spell" over us unassuming innocents. The ones who really get it hard are their lovers and children. The abuse doesn't just occur in nasty verbal attacks or fists. It occurs subliminally, at deep emotional levels that are "safe" with other people. PDIs are diabolical that way, though I doubt none but the most Hannibal Lechter-like psychopath do it deliberately. So we sustain damage to layers of our being that can't be reached by logic or reason. They can and will be healed . . . and I am trying to help map the way. Advanced recovery is not mapped real well yet, it's just beginning to be deliberately explored. Heck, Lisa has the only step by step program specifically for recovering from PD relationships I'm aware of, and I've been looking for a while now. The further you go, the more you'll realize you could not possibly have "known better". And you will see yourself with true sympathy, not shame. Recognizing that you "wanted to be loved by the lie so much I turned on myself" is HINDSIGHT. You did not turn on yourself with full knowledge of doing so. If you had known it was a lie, you would not have done it. Be careful not to beat yourself up with HINDSIGHT. Don't worry, I had to be told that about everyday for a while :) How to trust that busted up heart again? (sorry this is getting so long, but this is one of my favorite questions :D If you have some kind of gizmo, and no user's manual, there is no shame in not being able to figure it out and use it without blowing up your house or burning off your eyebrows. Now, you have the User's Manual for Life with PDI's :) The only problem is that we are not given it a long time before. Maybe in another hundred years, there will either be a cure or genetic fix or this kind of stuff will be common knowledge. Look how long women's rights took to become normal. Just healing from this will enlighten you. And you'll listen to your gut and heed it. You'll be able to see one of these people coming a mile away. In fact, you will wish you COULDN'T see them, or that you have gone round the bend because you are seeing them EVERYWHERE. You won't want anything to do with them. Just listen to yourself. You'll develop a very keen sense. It will happen naturally as you go :)

The point is to not go into blaming yourself or condemning yourself for the "bad" choices. You literally would not have gone into this relationship if you knew what was gonna happen. We didn't KNOW. And it's human to make mistakes. This is really important. To be able to emotionally handle it when we know we've made a mistake. Not go into extreme self bashing, or stuff it and then blow up and get all "triggery" and defensive with other people who have no idea what you just blew up over. Self bashing or defensiveness aren't the only ways to deal with the knowledge that ya blew it. The third option is to say, "I blew it and I'm still OK." Because it's true. Whoever said that only stupid or morally degraded people make mistakes? Even the "perfection" of creation is full of mistakes. Even God made mistakes. Anyone who pretends they don't is a Narc or they are just lying. I refuse to acknowledge that lie. Oh, YOU would never get caught up with a man like I did (yep, got that one)? Well, isn't that special. I'm not ashamed of being a limited human being, and I know you are too whether you are too skeeered to admit it or not. And BTW, you are a sitting duck for the nearest predator, I'll pray for you :P

That is a great article. It would explain why we can have these grossly WRONG expectations (that the Narc will suddenly turn into Mr Nice Guy). It's so impossibly illogical that a person will "change" into a different person, just because we HOPE they will. But there you go . . . that's exactly what we do and why we keep putting ourselves in the line of fire. Hoping and wishing for a good thing and getting back a knife in the back.

We always have a choice, 100% of the time. It's just that sometimes (in your case) the choices were between DEEPLY shitty and PROFOUNDLY shitty :( Sometimes the choices are counter-intuitive and seem to go backward in order to turn us around and go forward. I am so proud of Blue I am almost peeing and crying. Yep, that about sums it up :D We just have to look at this subject WITHOUT BLAME. No self blame here. We are simply observing ourselves in the most logical and gentle light. If the choice to go back to the Narc can be understood with gentleness, compassion, and validation, there is no need for blame or beating yourself up. There is no reason to wonder why you "took so long to wake up when XXXX over there woke up so fast blah blah blah". We are all different. But our lesson is the same :)

Yep, Jen. Good dreams, Bad man. Good money, Bad investment. Good intentions, bad outcomes :( We need to learn to predict, "play it forward". Push fast forward on the old tape player. You can use history as your reference. It's not so much predicting the "details" it's predicting what your state of mind will be. When you open yourself up to someone, the consequences of that is being VULNERABLE to them. We do this all the time with good, safe people. Our problem is we did this with a bad person. We had no idea they were bad. We learned they were "bad" and to continue to choose good out of some dismal hope. We still aren't choosing to be abused! But we might as well be, for how it ends up :( This whole idea I'm discussing isn't about assigning "blame" on us for the choices we make. It's about that we MAKE the choices period, that we can and do make them, all the time, and therefore no matter what, have a natural connection with our personal power. Whether we feel it or know it or not.

I would rather have all my fingers cut off than be anyone's "guru". I'm just YOU a couple years down the road :) I would rather sleep with a fifty pound snapping turtle than go on a show. I'm happy to be here and part of Lisa Scott's VERY exciting project(s). But thank you, that is a lovely compliment and I appreciate hearing that I'm helpful to you ((((hugs))))