Children & Ns

I have been reading all these posts over children & Christmas. And I hear such a refrain, a longing that the N will come through for the child. I don't think it will happen. My N had a child from his former marriage. He never thought about her & her best interest. She wanted nothing to do with him. Sometimes he wanted contact with her. But I don't think that was affection in a normal way. I think they have some kind of attachment, but it's not anything like we assume. When there is a child, the parent puts the child's happiness before his own. My N did not do that.

My N left his first wife of over 20 years for another woman. His daughter was 16 at the time. When he moved out, she went to her room & ignored him. For six months thereafter he had no contact with her. He said, "She did not need me." No empathy. Did not understand how the child suffered when her parents split. He said, he was entitled to live his own life & seek happiness. Putting himself & his needs first. When I first met him I told him that well maybe he should have seen her. He established a routine of not seeing her or trying to incorporate her into his new life. He took it well, but that was in the beginning when he was nice to me. And, really, I was never very critical.

Towards the end of our relationship, his daughter resurfaced with his parents. She had cut them off too. His daughter was going to see his parents. I told him that he should buy her a gift for his parents to give to her. Like what? I said, a good piece of jewelry that she will cherish & pass to her own daughter, ie, expensive. He says, my daughter does not like jewelry, she's never been a girlie girl. OK. So then I say, well she's learning to drive a car according to your parents latest information. Send a check. A big check with a note saying the money is to help her buy a car. He says, Why should I do that? What do I get? She refuses to see me.

Ladies. It's not about wanting his daughter in the biggest, heaviest car on the road so that in the event of an accident with some other bad driver, she'll live. It's all about him! What will he get out of the gift. All of you who have an N turning up with gifts, cards, etc. Remember, he's getting something out of it for himself. What? Who knows. They are really nuts these guys. Don't waste your time thinking.

But, please realize--They do not care about what is best for their children. I don't think they think much of their children. Except the obvious that the children are an extension of themselves. But, emphasis is on extension & therefore, an object. Not a separate little person whom they have the privilege of marshalling for a few years into a full-fleged & independent adult.