childbearing years...

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#1 Jul 9 - 10PM

Leah2

childbearing years...

Do any of you feel like your ex took your childbearing years? Mine talked from day one about how important children were to him, and how cute ours would be. We were married for 5 years, and he'd always buy the cutest kiddie stuff for his friend's kids, even if they lived in other countries--he'd mail all sorts of gorgeous baby clothes to friends. He talked nonstop about how so and so had had a baby. But during that time he actually never said when he wanted them. Whenever I said, ok, shall we think about kids in a year or two, he joked that we were both too childish ourselves (we were pretty goofy, and he encouraged that...now I realise he was a child himself) and left it at that. But he often said that he wanted babies with me, and that it would be so wonderful. Well, I turned 35 late last year and told him I was ready finally...which was a big deal for me given that I have historically focused on my career, and been a bit scared of being a mother. Then suddenly he told me that "we had problems". When it all ended this year, I felt like he took my childbearing years. OK,women have babies well into their 40s, but I feel like I will never love again, and feel sick to my stomach that I SO wanted to have HIS children (I've never bee a broody type, though have always loved kids), and that that will never happen. I feel like he has taken my sanity, my dream of a family, my entire future.

Have any of you gone through this?

#2 Jul 11 - 8AM

hitandrun

Stealing a narc's fertility

I have not posted about the first narc I was involved with...I was 30. Didn't realize he was a disordered personality until recently. He was always bragging how he could stand in front of radar to become sterile and a bunch of other b.s. At the time I thought I would never want children. When I heard an ad on the radio for volunteers for a new vasectomy procedure, I told him about it. He was all for it.I got to watch them cut his d*ck open because he wanted me in the room. I know he regrets his decision now. After things got bad, I had this one thing to comfort me...I saved the world from him procreating : ) I thought everyone might need a good laugh because this is a very serious subject. Will post what the latest disordered did to me about having children at some point. But I really did do this and it still makes me smile to this day : )

#3 Jul 11 - 8AM

helldweller

Fertility

OMG Also I told the narc I was thinking of being artificially inseminated if he didn't want a child with me, as I really wanted another baby. First of all he said, "Will you use my sperm?" ??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like, it wasn't really his responsibility or real intimacy if we didn't actually have intercourse! So freaking crazy! Then, he asked me, "Why would you want to have a child if it wasn't with someone you love?" This from the man who didn't want a baby with his girlfriend but does want to adopt a heroine addicted prostitute's baby. He told me in the beginning, when the child first came, after we were together two years and about to get engaged, "Maybe we won't work out; it's my last chance to have a child." How come that argument doesn't work for me with him? When I said the exact same to him: "I'm being inseminated because it's my last chance" he rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, please."

#4 Jul 10 - 7PM

Susan32

He went for an older woman

My ex-P D&D'd me for a woman a decade my senior, I was 22, she was 32. The last I heard, he married her WHILE she was pregnant (she had twins), and his parents were living with him, raising the kids. (And by "the last I heard"--I mean 9 years ago) Neither know nor care if they're still together. As one of my fellow students said of my ex-P professor, "I can't imagine him with a toddler." Yes, his students saw him as lousy father material. Are some Narcs/Psychs into getting a woman pregnant as soon as possible? My future brother in-law bragged he'd get my sister pregnant as soon as they got married (it did happen). I don't know if that's creepy, funny, or what.

#5 Jul 11 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

hitandrun

Susan32

I know it happens all the time, but your ex-P professor should not have been "playing" with you...you were a student. To me, that is even more horrible. Doesn't say much for his character to seduce and abuse a student. Glad, for you, that it did not work out.

#6 Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

Susan32

The "player" teacher

I was recently reading some of the episode summaries of FOX's "Glee" and its episode, "Ballad", was very triggering--thank goodness I didn't watch it! In "Ballad",a cheerleader has a crush on Mr. Schuester. He guilt-trips her by telling her about another student who was infatuated, and since he didn't reciprocate, she attempted suicide and now lies comatose. He then humiliates the cheerleader by making her do household chores with his awful wife (she's manipulative, has affairs, fakes a pregnancy) He tells the cheerleader that her feelings for him stem from a lack of self-worth. In the end, the cheerleader APOLOGIZES for having a crush on him (apologizing for feelings? huh? my ex-P did THE SAME THING) He tells her that one day she will meet a man who will REALLY respect her (I thought the teacher/student relationship was built on respect--just saying) I had always thought of my ex-P as a friend, and he dangled the possibility of being a boyfriend in front of me... even AFTER I met the girlfriend. He was NEVER honest. He NEVER was clear about our "relationship." He NEVER said anything like "I think of you as a friend","I'm attracted to you, we can date after you graduate" or "I'm not interested, sorry, I already have a serious girlfriend in Los Angeles." Our relationship never reached the level of dating/physical intimacy... thank goodness. He was quite verbally/emotionally abusive. And he NEVER apologized for his behavior. He blamed me for being "inappropriate"--he refused responsibility, and never showed remorse.

#7 Jul 11 - 5PM (Reply to #22)

Susan32

Professors married to students

I went to a small private college, and SEVERAL of the professors were married to former students. What was odd (and sadly bizarre) was that while my D&D was going on... one of the professors (whom I respect and is a good teacher) was divorcing his wife, a former student. It's a good thing it didn't become sexual between the professor and I. (Tho a lot of my classmates assumed we were intimate) Had he NOT been a game-playing psychopath, I'd be the wife and mother of his kids(!!!) My ex-P presented himself as single... and if he had been CLEAR that he had a curator girlfriend in LA, we would be friends. He didn't even consider me a friend. If he had RESPECTED me, he would be my friend now. But no. We could've been "just friends"--like I am with a few of my former professors. Yeah, I wonder how many of his fellow professors even wanted to attend his wedding after the D&D (the wedding happened a year after) His fellow professor who went to graduate school with him always had a mortified look on his face, like an overwhelmed babysitter dealing with a spoiled rotten evil toddler. It didn't help that he had a 4 year smear campaign against me (luckily, my transcript shows otherwise,so it didn't work) But he DID sabotage me in a teacher education program, claiming I was a "danger to children." After the OW introduced herself to me, my ex-P bolted out quickly (with her waaay behind). I told my ex-P's fellow professors, "He didn't tell me he already had a girlfriend." A stunned silence ensued... and that professor who went to grad school with him had the saddest look in his eyes. My ex-P was a psychopath. WORSE than a narcissist on a bad day. Narcs are oblivious. My ex-P professor ENJOYED causing me mental anguish.

#8 Jul 10 - 3PM

helldweller

fertility

Read my story. The f*cker and I sat around naming our babies; I went for a full fertility screening and paid $900 for it because I have no insurance (he makes $150K a year and inherited millions from his parents). I scheduled his feritility screening at his own request. The next week he brought home his four year old foster child without warning (to his house) and three months later, when I was pregnant with his own actual child, he told me to abort it because "things are up in the air right now with my child." Thank God for my two lovely daughters; I can't imagine how some of you feel who were strung along by these as*holes and did not have children to begin with. I think I would have cut his d*ck off, seriously, if I was in that situation.

#9 Jul 10 - 6PM (Reply to #19)

Amy

he is just sick

What a complete mind f**k!

#10 Jul 10 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

Lisa E. Scott

Helldweller

Wow, what a f*cker is right! Unbelievable what this man did to you. I am so glad you have your two lovely daughters too. What a f*cker!!!!

#11 Jul 10 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

Leah2

helldweller

Your story is truly bizarre. What really scares me is that he has a foster child. I hope that child is safe. And I am so sorry about your situation--sounds absolutely awful!!!

#12 Jul 10 - 1PM

Lisa E. Scott

Oh yeah

Yes, I do feel this way. Not about my EXNH because we were actually going to start trying to have children when I finally opened my eyes and faced reality about our relationship. I was 30 at the time. We divorced. The man I almost married after my EXNH (Jake if you read my book) is someone who did string me along to believe we would have children together. At the end of the relationship he suddenly changed his mind and told me that he didn't want kids after all. Total mind fu#k! Girlfriday sums it up perfectly: "I believe that some psychopaths get off on stealing a woman's fertility by stringing them along. I have witnessed it with my ex. The thought of it makes me sick. I think they make it seem like the perfect set-up is right around the corner, so the woman patiently waits one day at a time like a frog being slowly boiled."

#13 Jul 11 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Bodhi

Lisa

Yeah... the same thing happened to me. It was very clear from day #1 that we were going to have a family... we used to jokingly argue about the # of children we were going to have... towards the end of the relationship he would make indirect comments like if we were in Target and there were kids running around he would say "kids drive me crazy". He was dropping hints... but never directly said anything to me. The night I broke up with him I finally asked him if he wanted to have kids and he was like "No, I thought I made that clear." Um, no you didn't. He just got married after a super speedy engagement and I guarantee he gets her knocked up right away. He seems to be in a big hurry to give her everything he denied me.

#14 Jul 11 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

Lisa E. Scott

Yep

Yep, Bodhi - it's horrible, isn't it? They string you along and talk about names and plan for the future until one day you ask them if they want kids and they tell you "NO" as if they have always been clear on that. Total bullshit. Total mind f@ck! Yeah, Susan, what your EXN professor did should be illegal. I can't believe the stories you share about him. He makes my stomach turn. To abuse his power the way he did is unforgivable. Hitandrun - thanks for the comic relief. Love it! "I had this one thing to comfort me...I saved the world from him procreating : )"

#15 Jul 11 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

hitandrun

On having children

Before we even got engaged, my ex-pathological assured me he did not want children. Since I am in my mid-40's, I just didn't think it was a good idea and I think I would have problems conceiving and a high risk pregnancy if I did due to many hormone imbalances. After we were engaged, one night he went into this big monologue(it really was like a monologue on the stage) about how we should try for me to get pregnant. Or use a surrogate. I was in shock! But I told him I was open to adoption once we got settled. The next morning I told him if he wanted to spread his gene pool around, perhaps I was not the woman he should be marrying. Of course he assured me this was not the case and he was just inebriated. Looking back , I think it was designed to throw me off and make me feel bad about myself. When he D&D'd me in his cowardly cruel manner, I got an energetic punch in my gut that he really wanted children and he would find someone younger to procreate with...it only lasted a few minutes.

#16 Jul 10 - 1AM

frances

on my mind

Great timing as I have had this child thing on the brain. My early thirties was totally career driven and I surrounded myself by others like me....work hard and play hard. I was resigned to the fact I would start a family after 35...... Well that time of four years flew by with the N....stringing me along....and no kids and no marriage.... thank goodness! Fast forward to almost 40 and my clock is a ticking. After our breakup which I did, I had decided I wouldnt date for two years and focus on me. My mind has changed slowly over the past couple months. While I certainly think its time to take a break, process and learn from my tramua....I'm gonna go after what I want- a healthy man and a healty family to create. I kinda feel like its letting him get the best of me if I dont date for the next two years.

#17 Jul 10 - 1AM

broken23

i used to say i wanted a

i used to say i wanted a large family. although im 30 and i guess my fertility is still in tact (i hope), my ex-n pretty much wasted my entire 20's. i feel he took away that time where i could have started a family OR where i could have been meeting other people that i could have actually been married to. also i got pregnant, and he pretty forced me into terminating it. sometimes i wish i kept it...it was the perfect time for me. i was 28, working. other times im grateful im not tied to him forever. all i know is where ever there's a narc. life is full of regret. sigH

#18 Jul 10 - 12AM

girlfriday

stolen fertility

I believe that some psychopaths get off on stealing a woman's fertility by stringing them along. I have witnessed it with my ex. The thought of it makes me sick. I think they make it seem like the perfect set-up is right around the corner, so the woman patiently waits one day at a time like a frog being slowly boiled.

#19 Jul 11 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

helldweller

a frog being slowly boiled

OMG That is the perfect description. I also likened it to my therapist last week to that game of "Jenga" where you slowly and stealthily pull out one block at a time from the house, without anything being obviously afffected, until all at once you realize the entire structure has fallen down. The thing I always said was so maddening was that he set everything up like this: He made himself the judge of whether the relationship was worth his committment or not, and then he let you know that every thing you did or said was to be valuated in that way. So it's almost like that T.V. show "Fear Factor"--how much can you take? And if you lose one of the challenges (say, catching him cheating and getting mad about it), you go back to the bottom, with him saying "tsk, tsk. I'm so disappointed in you." which makes you want to try harder and be tougher the next time. It's always a game of "If you do better from now on, I'll marry you, make you pregnant, love you, stop cheating on you, take you to meet my family, etc. etc." But only HE knows what will convince him, what the timeline in his head is, or if he even really wants any of the things he's valuating you for. In a lot of our cases, it seems, we don't even know if they are straight or gay! But we still play the game!

#20 Jul 11 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

hitandrun

helldweller

I don't know why,but I always wish the best for you. I know you loved(love )him, but he is so F*CKED UP!!! I hate to say this, but you are just a mouse to bat around to him. You are worth SO MUCH MORE. I know it is unbelievable, uncomprehensable(sp...who cares), but you have your daughters to think about and your wonderful self. I wish with all my heart I could make it better for you. He really sucks when you get right down to it.

#21 Jul 11 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

agnesmurphy17

Stolen Fertility & Leah2

I agree with this comment & with Lisa's above. My N did this to a woman who preceded me. Apparently they were going to have children. Then 3 years later, he backed off. He cast around to replace her. & there I was. I know this now. I didn't know then. Leah2 -- there you have it. You know the answer yourself. Your "problems" started when you wanted to have a child. In fact, that was the first time you heard of your problems. Your N decided that was it-you were no longer useful. He found another source of supply. He planned his escape because these guys are never alone. You just do not know what he was doing. But, you wrote in your story that he stopped initiating sex. I think he had somebody else. Anyhow, think about it, it's all related to wanting to start a family. And why did he go on & on about wanting a family? Because he was mirroring to you what you wanted. Because these guys live in a fantasy. Because he's a pathological. They are irrational. Oh, I know they seem sane & rational. But, look at this for what it is. Everything in your relationship went bust for no apparent reason. One day you were weeping on the street, forced to sign papers for a divorce, and no further contact, not knowing where he lived, being told that you were staking him at his work. None of that makes sense. He kept all your finances & property separate for 5 years. This is not a man who wanted family. Why did he marry you & say he wanted a family? You will never know. The man wears the mask of sanity. One day the mask is ripped off. The victim is left in a malestrom, lost in a fog. All the road markers have disappeared. All the signs on the road which brought her to this place were deceptive. I feel that I wasted FOUR critical years of my life on my N. And I say to you, you are younger than I am . . . in your 30's . . . DO NOT waste any more time. You are still young.

#22 Jul 9 - 11PM

Amy

Sort of - he would talk

Sort of - he would talk about having a child sometimes, but then freaked out about it, saying he knows he is too selfish. I am 36 and have a 17 year old (wonderful) son, so I am happy and didn't miss out on the experience. But I feel like he took so much of my 30's. I met him when I was 30 and he was 35. I was willing to have one more - especially for him. His dad was sooo wanting a grandchild with their last name. I am not at the point where I am not interested in having more kids - it would be like starting over. So I feel like I am only limited to dating men who have had children already - or those who REALLY don't want any. He took away so many of my options.

#23 Jul 10 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

sort of...

I always wanted 2 kids. My now xN & I have a beautiful daughter. He stopped sex... and when he filed for divorce, one of the things he said was "sorry I didn't want to give you a second child." WTF???? The sad part is trying to honestly answer my daughter's questions of- "will I ever have a baby sister?" I am 40 now.... so not quite sure where I stand on another child. If I were to biologically, I would want it from next husband..but I am barely dating. Adoption is always a possibility. Yes, N's drain you in all aspects. Remember they are selfish.

#24 Jul 10 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

Amy

too bad your daughter ties you together!

I feel sorry for all of the women who have babies with their N's! Mainly because mine always told me what to do with MY son -as if he had a right or a clue on that one! You DO have options with adoption, etc. I am so sorry he did that to you!

#25 Jul 11 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

gigi9

My ExNH "wanted" children

My ExNH "wanted" children and then so "lovingly" said to me one day "I don't want children with you. Go out there and find someone who does." And then denied that he ever said that. There is a special hell for this kind and it is the life they continue to create as they live in drama and chaos continuosly......f**k him.

#26 Jul 11 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

Leah2

gigi9...

...have you shared your story? I was looking for it on the board?

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