chaos

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 2 - 9AM

helldweller

chaos

Something that it so hard to wrap my mind around is how completely simple and ordred our life togther was, moving along in a lovely, normal, forward-looking way, and then WHAM! he slammed on the breaks at every level and created this unbelieveable train wreck. When we met, I was happily divorced and totally stable, he was single and childless. We both had great jobs, were in good health, had nice friends to spend time with, had my great children, and had a normal life of dinners with the kids, cookouts with his family, watering the lawn together, going on short trips on the weekends, going on dates, and were planning marriage, having fertility screenings to try to get pregnant, and finishing a beautiful house to fill with our family and friends and future.

Today, he is thin and haggard, smokes three packs a day and drinks a fifth and a half of vodka each night, knocks around our seven room house alone, and has chosen the company of his little brother and a six year old foster child with obvious problems from his mother's heroin addiction. Instead of a loving family at home, he is out at bars or girls' houses every night until ten or midnight, dragging the child with him. Instead of his girlfriend, a stable mother of two, he has chosen as his child's mother a neighbor who is sixty years old, has never been around a child, and is so unstable she has estranged herself from her entire family and is sleeping with the narc's brother behind his girlfriend's back. His little brother has been assigned the role of his partner, and I don't think he will ever marry now, either, because the narc depends on his company and depends on him to care for the child, who he is now attached to. The child will never have a mother or any siblings, and is destined to become a psychopath himself at the hands of this guy. I will never love again, I fear, and I am a physical and emotional disaster, my familly and friends far away, my joy gone, my chldren untrusting of men and sad and lonely. He has ruined all of our lives (at least at this point), and his own. You could not create a more unstable life for anyone involved in this situation if you tried!

My question: Why do they CHOOSE such grave instability? Why do they f*ck up things so much and create so much chaos? How can they possibly f*ck up so many people's lives and still keep going?

#2 Sep 2 - 7PM

helldweller

I want to thank everyone

I'm good, truly. I'm moving October 1st; I can't move sooner because my landlady is giving me the apartment in the other building for the same price for an extra bedroom, and that's what I need for my girls. I can do this, I can deal with it for them. This morning when we left the house, I had to walk towards the corner because my car was parked there. He and his child were walking into the big loft building on the corner. A blond woman of about twenty five with her pajamas on came out, hugged him, and they all went inside. Seriously. You cannot make this stuff up. On our block. As if nothing ever happened. We had a great day. My daughters friends, my daughters and I went out to the local shopping area and bought some books and pastries, had a lovely dinner, listened to a jazz band on the square. They are in the living room now, laughing and talking. I always forget to mention that the joys of life feel so much sweeter now, even though the pains are unbelieveable. The laughter of eleven-year-old girls is like the song of angels. The taste of a raspberry tart. The sound of music. The smell of a fireplace as Fall comes on. The color of the first leaves coming down. I find myself crying from the pain and the joy of life at the same time.

#3 Sep 2 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

so happy for you... that your day ended on a happy note

I am sorry you had to see that this morning. It reminds me of how I had to watch that as well. It was 15 years ago but as I read your post I could feel that pain as if it were yesterday. He convinced everyone I was psycho. Well as time passed one by one I heard from alot of people over the years that they came to know it wasnt me. It was him. While I appreciated their comments it did not erase the excruiating pain I suffered. A young 22 year girl old right out of college eager to start her life. Reading this made me a little teary. I was having the very same thoughts tonite. Life is still good. People are still good. Our children little gifts from God. I am still so very thankful for the good things in my life. There are many.

#4 Sep 2 - 12PM

foolmeonce

You have forgotten what is normal

This is in response to this post, as well as your other post about being out of control. I think the biggest problem is after being with an N we forget what a normal relationship is like. I was married to a non-N for 20 years. While there were things I did not like about the relationship, not once in those 20 years was there crazy-making. I could ask my husband a simple question and get an answer. I never worried he was cheating on me - I never had to wonder if he was telling me the truth. I could ask him what he wanted or how he felt about something and he could articulate it clearly and honestly. Being with an N is nothing like this. After awhile we come to believe that their sh*t is normal. It is so far from normal it isn't funny. Then their psychosis rubs off on us. It is NOT normal to smash someone's windshield and to drag a couch outside and leave it on someone's front lawn. It isn't normal to be in love with someone who uses you for sex - at their will. Your N is a loser with a capital L. If your daughter was in a relationship with someone like that what would you do? I think you would do everything in your power to get her out. Your kids are watching you. As of now, your daughters believe that a relationship is about pain, lies and abandonment. Kids learn from their environment. Your daughters will date in a few years and they will look to some guy to fulfill them. When the relationship doesn't work out they will think their life is over - because they saw from you that without that special "someone" they are nothing. Is this the message you want to instill in them. I grew up with a mom who was obsessed for 20 years over her ex-Narc husband. I thought my mom was the loser more than him. I could not believe she couldn't get over it. Growing up with this made me have low self esteem. Even today, my daughter tells me I have to think more of myself - she constantly says mom you have such low self esteem - get over it! The only way you can get back to normal is to remove yourself from the situation. I was once in your shoes. I was in love with a liar and a manipulator. It was only after I removed myself from him did I begin to see how messed up it was. You are an addict. It is no different than being an alcoholic or drug addict. You think this is a normal way of life and it isn't. Like on the series Intervention - those people don't want help - they want to remain in their little world because they think a normal life is boring and they cannot fathom life without their drug of choice. After being in rehab for a few months, every single one of those people cannot believe how great life is - they are so happy to finally be free of the addiction. Really everyone involved with a Narc should go to rehab for 3 months to clear themselves of the toxin. It's time for you to do a self-imposed rehab. Think of your daughters writing you a letter that starts with "Your addiction has affected my life negatively in the following ways........" Your addiction is affecting your precious girls. You may not care about the rest of your life at this point. I know it is hard to think about the future without the dream that was sold to you - but as a mother you have a responsibility to care about their lives. It's time for them to get their mom back. A mom who is present in the moment with them. A mom who does not cry, drink or throw their couch out - a mom who does not talk about how some piece of crap ruined her life - HE DID NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE. You have so many good things in front of you. God gave you a gift by not answering your prayer to be with him. You escaped from a disaster - ruining your life would have been marrying you - reproducing with you, etc. You got out!!! Thank God - it's time to be strong to dig deep inside yourself and say to yourself "I will not let this prick take one more minute of my life away from me or my daughters"

#5 Sep 3 - 2AM (Reply to #7)

girlfriday

Yes. We are addicts. They

Yes. We are addicts. They are the drug. Some drugs are worse than others and some cause more damage, but they can't cause that damage if we don't "use." And just like the addicts on Intervention say, the drug often doesn't even make them feel good anymore! They just use it to stay numb and avoid the inevitable detox. But detox MUST occur, HD, if you want your life back. You can and will become the strong woman you used to be, and even stronger. At my worst, I actually WAS looking for a place to check in to to recover. My friend recognized this problem...this addiction of mine. He said that I was still here, but that this "beast" had taken over. Helldweller...you are still in there. You are not the beast. But it's time to kill the beast.

#6 Sep 3 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

Addiction

It is the WORST ADDICTION EVER! I never feel good after I text him yet I feel compelled to. I am now on day 7 NC and it is literally hour to hour.

#7 Sep 2 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

NancyM

foolmeonce

Awesome post, you told it exactly like it is. It is frightening to think your own daughters may copy your mistakes because that is all they are aware of in how relationships work. Helldweller, it is so important to the emotional well being of your girls to put an end to this cycle now.

Nevergoback

#8 Sep 2 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

loveofmylife

foolmeonce

this was the most amazing post.... very on spot. And I agree with you...our worlds have been so twisted by these narcs that we don't even know what normal is anymore. The only way to heal is NC to let all of the toxins bleed out! And truly God answered all of our prayers...not the way we thought...but by leading us away from the narc. Thanks to God!

#9 Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

Used

foolmeonce

i so was touched by what you wrote, and also to have the courage to write it and tell it like it realy is. very bravexxx

#10 Sep 2 - 10AM

Used

helldweller

they cause chaos, b/c they are all addicts, they live for the moment, not thinking consequences at all. if someone has an addiction they are an addict to everything, but some people fight it and stay in control of it. they dont, they cant, the might have to think so on to the next hit,you know he is not happy, you know that the way he acts is a disordered mind, what you must do is not let him take you down with him, cos this is there aim. do you know any addict who is happy. no thats why they are addicts, they cannot bear to live in reality so anything to get out of there head. your life before him was good and happy, you can get this back, but you have to get this horror story out of your life, ive seen 4 celebrity woman get hooked up with men who have ruined them, he will do this to you and your girls if you let him. he has no feeling for anyone or anything except his next fix, whatever that may be. he will sacrifice his own mother to get it, believe me when i say i know this to be true. good luck.

#11 Sep 2 - 10AM

wholeagain

They choose because they do.

And there's nothing you can do about it, there is no good answer for this question. Now dear Helldweller, let's return the focus to youyouyou. Does his destruction have to be yours? Your daughters'? No. This is where *you* choose not to have grave instability and chaos in your life, or your daughter's life. Not to be around him, and not to create chaos yourself. What are you going to choose right now? How are you helping your or your daughters by obsessing over him? And by the way, I'm not sure how well he's "going" at this rate if he's sporting multiple addictions along with everything else.

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