Change

Why Women Feel a Strong Desire to Change the Abuser:

* Because he has convinced you that you are responsible for how he feels/behaves.(this is another way he blames you for the abuse.)

* Because he has convinced you that without him you will never find love again.

* Because you believe the great way he treated you in the beginning is who he really is and he can be that way again.

* Because he has convinced you no one else will want you so you think you can make him be good to you.Because it's easier to continue the pattern of abuse than to start a whole new life without him.

Signs You are Changing to Please the Abuser:
(which means you are definitely in an abusive relationship)

* Dress a certain way or avoid dressing a certain way/change your hair or make-up for him.

* Talk to who he says you can talk to.

* Avoid friends/family he doesn't like. (which is usually all/ many of them.)

* He makes you associate with people you don't like.

* Ask him for permission to do something/talk to someone/go somewhere/buy something.

* Lying about who you talk to/things you do because you're afraid he'll disapprove.

* Quitting school/job/hobbies because he disapproves or implies you don't need it.

* Sneaking around to do your normal activities because you're afraid he'll disapprove.

* Walking on eggshells.

* Doing anything you don't want to do sexually/ financially/ socially just to prevent further abuse.

* Expressing your affection/love/attraction for him right after abuse to prevent further abuse.

* Apologizing for something you did not do to calm him or prevent abuse.

* Agreeing to express your love excessively because he expects it.

* Doing anything that is out of the ordinary for you and that you do not enjoy just to please him.
* Moving in with him or letting him move in with you when you really would rather not.

Why Are My Attempts to Change Him Failing?

Because you cannot change him. The only person who can change him or end the abuse is the abuser. Nothing you ever do or say will change how he treats you. Everyone is responsible for their own words and actions and that includes the abuser.

According to experts, abusers can only change if the following is true:

* He truly wants to change because it is best for him and not to win you back.

* He openly and on his own acknowledges the seriousness of his abuse. In detail.

* He admits ALL of the abuse is his total responsibility.

* He seeks treatment with a therapist or group therapy specifically designed for abusers.

* He stops drug or alcohol abuse for a long period of time.

* If you request he stay away for a while (a year even) he doesn't beg you back but respects your request totally.

* He makes the decision to change on his own.

* He completes a batterer treatment program.

* He makes a constant and continual effort to stop abusing.

You will exhaust yourself and never get anywhere trying to change him. Leave the relationship and decide if it is worth giving him another chance later. Break up with him in the meantime. Do not give him another chance unless he shows the following signs in the above list. If you do not give him ample time, perhaps even a year or more to change then he will probably go back to his old behaviors quickly. It takes much time and therefore, it may not be worth your wait to see if he will change. Remember that abusers rarely change. Your best bet is to find a man who does not need to change. You deserve better!

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