"Cause now that I can see you, I don't think you're worth a second glance."

I see it all now. Like I don't know where it was all hiding for the past 6 months but I finally have a firm grasp on what the fuck was going on here. He's a jerk. A scumbag. The lowest of the low. A coward. An embarrassment. A sicko. A predator. An asshole. A liar. Dare I go on?

I realized that it was almost easier to pretend this wasn't the case. Understanding and firmly grasping these concepts means that all of my crying and severe mental suffering has been for NOTHING. It means that I endured a lot of pain -- both physical and emotional, not out of anything passionate, but out of sheer disrespect for me. He hated me, not because I caused him to feel, he hated me because I was a woman and there is something deeply routed within him that causes him to loathe the female species.

This is not the first time he has done this, and this will most definitely not be the last. I can see him working hard now to fool someone else into believing he really cares until he gets tired of using and abusing them and moves on to the next one. It doesn't upset him to think about how he negatively affected someones life. Instead, it gives him great satisfaction and a sense of power to know that he was able to influence a persons thinking. He knew the whole time that he was sleeping with other girls and STILL DID NOT CARE that he ended me and my exes relationship. I'm 100% positive at this point that it made him smile. In the same way a rapist feels power when they rape you, he felt power when he mentally (and physically) raped me.

He was Iago from Othello in every sense of the word. He schemed and mirrored and scared me to no end. It took me being friends with him on facebook again to see his work unfolding. How hard he works with each individual victim to make it seem like they have a lot in common. He's eerily waay too good at what he does. It's pretty clear to me via facebook that he is currently trying to mess with a woman with 4 children. He is 24. Judging by her statuses she has just gone through an intense break up or divorce recently. What a perfect little target for him. He also has a thing for "MILFS" (mommy issues?) Does he care that he is hurting a bunch of innocent kids mother? Nope. In fact that gives him more power.

As I read in "A Road Less Traveleled," forgiveness is totally different than affirmation. Affirmation would be: "ya know, you had it so hard as a kid. It's not your fault you have a disorder, I'm going to be there for you and try and help you. What you did to me was totally excusable because it wasn't your fault. " Forgiveness is: "No. What you did to me was 100% NOT ok. All we have are the choices we make and you chose to cope with your pain through inflicting it upon somebody else. That to me is cowardly and inexcusable. Its too bad that you will never hold your own baby and feel your heart warm up. I am sorry that you won't feel unconditional love for another person on your wedding day. I'm sorry that you have so much hate in your heart you physically harm other people. You must live a very very sorry, sad, and pathetic life. I don't. I understand it, but I WON'T TOLERATE IT."

At this point I am glad that we're facebook friends because whenever I want to forget this painful truth and talk to him, I can just look at his wall and physically watch him scamming other women with my own eyes. Unfortunately, he is a dangerous and unpredictable man and I will need to be careful about posting my location so he doesn't show up. I just need to watch it, and be smart. I'm leaving for Minnesota next week so I highly doubt he's going to fly out there.

More excerpts from my journal:

I need to remember that it is in fact my wonderful qualities that made him target me. It is not because I am weak, it is because he sensed a goodness about me and pounced on the opportunity. I realized the other day that I am truly myself when I'm caring for children. He got to see this part of me when we worked together at the daycare. He KNEW what a caring person I was. For the longest time it was easier for me to believe that I deserved his treatment because "maybe he didn't know the real me and he thought I was playing him too." NO, he damn well knew the real me and it probably made him laugh when I tried to act otherwise. He worked extremely hard to make me fall and it is incredibly pathetic that he has to work that hard for someones attention and care. Mark my words he WILL get married, but it won't be for the right reasons. He will die with the fact that he has hurt so many people. The inner workings of his own mind are monstrous. I can't imagine living in a mind like that for a single day.

One song by Dashboard Confessional comes to mind after all of this:
"So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.
Cause now that I can see you, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE."