Cancelled holidays

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#1 Oct 4 - 8PM

rosedewittbukater

Cancelled holidays

Maybe a better subject line for this post would be "cancelled plans".
During the course of our relationship, xN made countless plans to go out of town for weekend jaunts which never came to fruition. She would always initiate the plans, then ruminate over them, discussing them with me at great length, only to cancel at the last minute with absolutely no valid explanation. I don't know, maybe I am just looking for some validation here...but I am wondering if anyone else here experienced this? She also made it seems as if this going away together were to be some kind of "test" that I must pass to continue going forward in our relationship...however during the two years we were together I never got the chance to "pass" this test. Can anyone else relate to this?

#2 Oct 9 - 7PM

camcam

I used to react a little over

I used to react a little over the top when plans are cancelled. But I guess this is more of a personal issue that the cancelled plan itself. Well, you can never have all things and you just have to accept that even the most planned things can sometimes fail to push through. And while that is really something that is hard to come to terms with, you have to resolve the issue by yourself.

#3 Oct 9 - 5PM

Tigerlily

Get This!

Mine used to get upset because I didn´t react with the appropriate degree of gratitude or euphoria when he "offered" to do something for or with me. The reason I didn`t react was that he let me down so often that, even when I still believed he meant well (which I didn`t for long), his track record for doing what he had promised to do was so lousy that I always felt the need to wait and see if anything came of it BEFORE being grateful or euphoric. He promised to go dancing with me. He promised to go skiing with me. He promised me a motorbike trip. He wanted to buy a Minibus and tour England with me. He wanted to go abroad with me. He wanted to marry me. He wanted to die at the same time as I did. I could fill a book with the broken promises of that gutless vampire. The very last time I saw him, he promised to fix my car, fix my computer and make me a coffee table. I`ve fixed my car and my computer myself. Next week I`m going to make myself a coffee table. He wanted the credit for having done it without the hassle of doing it. He wanted to create need and not fulfill it. He wanted me to believe he could give something, refuse to give it, and then revel in my running after something he was withholding. He wanted me to give him power, because he had none. And I will not. Eat your heart out, gutless vampire. I`m better on my own than I ever was believing you.

#4 Oct 9 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

rosedewittbukater

Tigerlily

Thanks for sharing. "he wanted to create a need then not fulfill it" I know exactly what you mean!! From Halcyon.com: "narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations." Sick isn't it??

#5 Oct 13 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

Susan32

Great Expectations

The ex-Psych prof is obsessed with "War and Peace." It's his FAVORITE book. He was obsessed with it before I met him... back in grad school... still is. When I got my own translation, he was livid. He said "I'll keep you from reading 'War and Peace.'" Sure enough, senior year, we were assigned "Anna Karenina" instead. He likes the philosophy of Ludwig Wittgenstein, but whenever I brought up Wittgenstein, I'd get silent treatment or change of subject. Intellectually&academically, he knew how to stir up my interest in classics&philosophy simply for the sake of frustrating them. And YES, I've been reading "War and Peace." I dusted up my copy I bought 15 years ago... it's useful for understanding NPD. Maybe I should stir up his expectation that I'll come back to New Mexico, to tell him I love him, knowing I will NOT....

#6 Oct 10 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Alisa

Totally sick but true.

#7 Oct 9 - 2AM

ifinallygotit

promised weekend get aways

But never made time or effort to take one vacation with me, though he always said yes, we will do that. He took alot of trips and never invited me (for 10 years)

#8 Oct 9 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

newsmax3

Promised Weekend getaways

I have a good one! We were supposed to go out of town last October for our 20th wedding anniversary. 2 days before we were to leave, he text messages me from work that he was not going. I went alone and came home 3 days later to a large bouquet of flowers and a sappy card about how much he loved me and couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me.I ripped up the card in little pieces and told my 12 year old daughter how nice the flowers would look in her room. Come to think of it, I had a far better time without having to listen to him whining, complaining and having meltdowns over God knows what. In fact, we had a huge family reunion in Lake Tahoe this summer and he was originally slated to go, but I told him at the last minute (not by text, but to his face) that he would not be going to it nor my graduation for my Masters degree in Alabama on, you guessed it October 21st, our 21st and final anniversary. I have filed the paperwork and requested that he be served the Monday after we get back. I am in the drivers seat on this one. I am learning to deal with him without feeling bad. What goes around comes around, but he has his family and church who he has thoroughly snowed so there will always be adequate supply. I am done! Hugs to all!

#9 Oct 9 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

rosedewittbukater

newsmax3

Masters degree! Booyah! You go lady! Isn't amazing how they manage to fool the unknowing.

#10 Oct 9 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

rosedewittbukater

finallygotit

Uggh...in ten years?? Oh sweetie you deserve so much better! Mine took alot of trips in the two years we were together also, never once included me. bastards!

#11 Oct 9 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

Alisa

Sounds very familiar. Mine

Sounds very familiar. Mine would say things like "Do you like skiing? I'd really like to go skiing in February" (phrased like that it sounded like he was asking me but he could later always claim he hadn't asked me) If I thought he was asking me to go with him and said "I'd love to go skiing" he would make plans to go with someone else or by himself or at a time when he knew I couldn't get time off from work If I thought he wasn't asking me personally he would later claim I didn't want to go with him. This type of bullsh** was what prompted me to question things, argue with him and finally get out of the relationship (haven't seen him since March!!!)

#12 Oct 9 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

rosedewittbukater

same here Alisa

This sounds exactly like xN! Yesterday I celebrated 3 months NC! 3 months of drama free peace. Cruella Deville (xN) was always throwing things like that out there like yours then doing the same thing you are describing!! If I took the reigns and tried making plans myself I got shot down. One of the final straws was when she out of the blue defriended me on FB, then proceeded to D&D me for the 2nd time. I stupidly took her back after this stunt. I was good enough to sleep with but she point blank refused to "friend me" again. She claimed she didn't "use Facebook that way" which was a bold faced lie since she used it to study me and pursue me in the beginning. Probably she wanted to hide what she was doing because by then I'm sure she was working on lining up her next NS.

#13 Oct 6 - 9AM

Hunter

Oh yeah, If just part of the

Oh yeah, If just part of the mindfuck to keep you in the game!! Wouldn't it be great to get away and spend time together!! Ha, we were going to Paris, skiing,California,... Nope never happened!! Guess what I went any way ,without him!! Had a great time! Hunter

#14 Oct 9 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

rosedewittbukater

Goof for you Hunter!

Now that Cruella is out of the picture I'm going to start going places too!!!

#15 Oct 5 - 2AM

uk lady

Absolutely

That's why I finally walked away - it was just so upsetting, tiring and devaluing. Just got so fed up with planning holidays/events together and then being let down at the last minute because his job/hobbies and mother were more important. It was always on his terms and I was supposed to fall back into place and if I ever got upset or angry was told "calm down, I can't cope with your reaction and that he doesn't do confrontation". Well buddy, don't cause the situation in the first place then. And worst part, I was then supposed to go along with whatever had changed and act as if nothing had been said or done. Utter devaluation, lack of consideration and empathy on his part. I was always left feeling confused, empty and insane plus a lot of the time really angry. And, he could never ever relax which as we know, leaves us feeling like we are walking on eggshells. This eventually causes an argument and they can then walk away blaming us. Oh, how I so don't miss it. Dee x

#16 Oct 5 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

rosedewittbukater

Dee

I so get it. The first time it happened was especially cruel since it was my birthday. When I told her how disappointed I was, she raged at me and threatened to end the "relationship". Most of the rest of the times I stuffed all my disappointment, which as you pointed out resulted in me carrying around a bunch of anger (who wouldn't be?) The blame and projection after the arguments...it is exhausting and makes you want to pull every single hair out of your head!

#17 Oct 6 - 2AM (Reply to #7)

uk lady

Rose

Don't get me going on birthdays. His birthday is 22 Jan so after racking my brains for Christmas presents I then had to think of something equally exiting for his birthday soon after. Big fuss always had to be made e.g. presents, outing, meal etc and obviously, mommy had to come too. Yuck! She was exactly the same for her's in April and ex would buy her presents, take her out and also buy her a meal. It's their way of telling each other that they were so important and special. Funnily enough. I would always buy her a birthday present but finally realised that I never got one back. So last year I just sent a card (as ex was visiting her alone as she had moved up country) and he wrapped up some things from me, DVDs that I was just passing onto her, because he must have been embarrassed that I hadn't bought her anything. How creepy is that? I was so waking up to them both. Then come my birthday in June - I was usually going through ST and so mine was never celebrated in any fashion. Present, if at all, was always bought months later as an aside. I was always made to feel so special - NOT!!!! Dee x

#18 Oct 9 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

rosedewittbukater

Birthdays!

Arggh! Here's something interesting about this subject I found on Halycon. Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead -- tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for -- and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me. First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or -- in really choice instances -- return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident. UGGGGH!!!

#19 Oct 4 - 9PM

needing2know

If my ex wanted to stay at my

If my ex wanted to stay at my house for more than 3 days he told me that would be a test for me to see if I COULD HANDLE IT, but Christmas him and his kids would come over but always acted like he really didn't want to be here. it was all more of a TEST for him than anything else. Of course after 3 days he had to leave and go home because he couldn't handle it. Which was fine with me because after about the second day he started developing one of his shit moods and them accused me of being grumpy! i was always the grumpy one, yeah NOT

#20 Oct 4 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

rosedewittbukater

n2k

I can relate. It was like there was a time limit with them...more than two days and they seem to begin to unravel!

#21 Oct 4 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

needing2know

yeah I think 2 days was the

yeah I think 2 days was the limit, if he went 3 he really started to get unsettled, i couldn't believe how he would just want to run away like he just couldn't take it. He was so ancy, couldn't handle just relaxing, it was like he always had something to do, when he didn't . So he would actually make shit up just to leave.

#22 Oct 5 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

into the light

His dark side came out each

His dark side came out each time we were away on a break. He must have felt trapped! But it was me who was trapped and I didn't know it! Sick, pathetic, fat psycho must have been homesick for his mum. He took her on holiday this summer - haha. Wonder if his new woman will fare any better? He definitely (I've read the evidence)views her as a mother-substitute, who he wants to love him and help him to 'be a better man'. Good luck with that.

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