Can Negative Attention Still Be Hoovering?

8 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 7 - 1PM

GeorgiaGirl

Can Negative Attention Still Be Hoovering?

My exN#1 (ex-husband I was married to for 13 years) and who I didn't realize was N until I came out of the fog with stbxN has become a hound from hell! He has teamed up with stbxN to punish me and it's working. ExN#1 sends me email after email after email regarding everything under the sun about our children. His rules for our children and our "co-parenting" (gag, what a f-ing joke) change weekly and sometimes daily as he and stbxN hatch up ever new and exciting ways to keep the chaos whirling. His most recent scheme is telling doctors, teachers, coaches, schools that he has sole custody when we have joint 50/50.

I found out over the weekend that exN#1's gf had a birthday. He gave her a ring and I was excited that maybe they were engaged and he'd go the hell away. Nope, it's not an engagement ring, "but Mom, she says she's going to wear it on her ring finger anyway" per my daughter. I almost feel bad for her except she is such a b*tch to my kids.

So I'm wondering if all this "attention" from exN#1 is actually hoovering attempts but done in rage/anger? Does hoovering work this way? I don't understand how after 5 years he is still punishing me for leaving him while all this time living with his gf and stringing her along. Several friends/acquaintances have told me in the past year that everytime they run in to him all he does is talk about me and the divorce. IT'S BEEN 5 FREAKING YEARS!!!

He has about a snowball's shot in hell of getting back with me. I wish he'd figure this out.

#2 Sep 7 - 6PM

Susan32

A TRULY happy man doesn't act this way

If your ex-Narc was truly happy in his new relationship, he wouldn't be engaging in such childish "punishments" as these. He's throwing a tantrum like an infant when Mommy leaves the room. He has his babysitter/girlfriend... and he's still angry. The ex-Psych prof hoovered me like crazy after his girlfriend moved in, and I told him I was giving him the silent treatment to PUNISH him for how he treated her... as in not acknowledging her existence. He expected me to be angry at the girlfriend for "stealing",but I happened to open the gates of Hell in his general direction. "I was excited that maybe they were engaged and he'd go the hell away"-I felt the same way after the ex-P's girlfriend moved in. I told him that because of his behavior, my classmates thought he was a jerk... and he was *ECSTATIC.* His eyes practically sparkled. I was excited when the girlfriend moved in... but I got hoovered. He'd sit next to me in the library computer lab... even tho his girlfriend worked down the street at a museum. Of course, I got the full force of his rage when I deigned to congratulate him on his engagement. I was so excited that I was ready to call a justice of the peace on him! Ns/Ps don't mind being hated. Some of them LOVE it.

#3 Sep 7 - 5PM

FINALLYFREE2BME

Yes

Yes, I believe negative attention counts. After 5 years NC my exN appeared out of the blue 7 months ago, around the same time he learned through friends I was getting married. I was shocked because I really made him hate me big time and we'd had absolutley no contact at all. He even showed up as recently as two weekends ago at a local bar to make faces behind my back while I danced to my husband's band. A 50 year old! I hear he calls me "devil woman", etc, etc. Luckily everyone's on to him and it's pretty funny to me now. But yes, I believe that ANY attention from them is a form of hoovering -- even though I know mine wouldn't want me back (THANK GOD!) it shows me he still thinks he can get to me. But he can't.:)

#4 Sep 7 - 3PM

Hunter

He's a narc, he's not going

He's a narc, he's not going to change! Hoovering? Maybe! Bottom line if there are kids involved he's not going away! Boundaries,stand your ground! Hunter

#5 Sep 7 - 1PM

uk lady

Absolutely

Totally agree with Spinning - attention, is attention, is attention whether positive or negative : all the same to these guys. Hugs. Dee x

#6 Sep 7 - 1PM

spinning

Hi, GG, I'm so glad you

posted. This is indeed at first glance very perplexing, but in reality it's very simple: IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. You are so not into him. You so know exactly who and what he is. You so do not ever want to ever even remotely entertain the thought of going back with ExN#1 and he so KNOWS THAT so he will do what his deluded mind does best: CONTINUE TO TRY TO CONTROL YOU! I feel so badly for the community members who share children with the disordered ones. That is truly so difficult, especially when they're real "gems" like both of yours seem to be. GG, it's all about control. They don't like it that you're getting stronger and that you're getting over it and moving on. So yes, to answer your question, it's a hoover that is all about their deluded idea that they can still control you. It's bait to them, they're tossing it out. Don't bite. Stay strong. You are doing great. I hope this helps some. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING TODAY AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

#7 Sep 7 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

GeorgiaGirl

I suspected this

but thought maybe I was overlooking the fact that he wants to get back together with me as he has eluded to acquaintances. Does it ever stop? My kids' counselor says not until the kids are old enough to stand up for themselves. As much as he intimidates/controls/rages at them, I don't see that happening anytime soon (they are 15, 12 & 10) It's so hard to keep healing, growing and moving on when he is constantly verbally abusing me via email. I can't cut off contact although I minimize contact as much as possible and skim his emails looking for the real questions. I reply only to real questions and there are few of those. I think stbxN stirs him in to a frenzy as well to take the heat off himself. He's a sneaky little ba$tard if there ever was one.

#8 Sep 7 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

uk lady

I so sympathise with you GG

Can't give you any insider tips about your situation as I am lucky not to have had children with my ex-P but I am sure that other members will be along soon to give advice. My ex-P, during the 5 years we were apart, used to text me every Xmas eve with a sweet little message - bless him, NOT. Which used to keep the flame burning even though he was with new supply and she or I knew nothing about each other. You are so right, sneaky little ba$tards. That made me laugh so much because I just love it when the shutters have come off our eyes. Big hugs, Dee x

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews