called him on lies

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 20 - 2PM

betteroff

called him on lies

I have been out 6 weeks now. For the first 4 weeks he texted (only sexual texts) and called. (and I would go to his house like he asked me to.) of course just for sex. I was hoping for him to want me to come back.....He was completely just into the sex. He did not even really talk. I asked him if he was seeing anyone...of course he said no. I found out however that the OW was there into week #2 of me being gone. I changed my number. Week # 5 he called my work wanting to get together . I knew he was seeing someone else and I said absolutely not. I refused to become the whore. and told him exactly that. Into week #6 the OW is now there all the time..He calls my work and wants to get together. I told him he was dead in my head and to never call me again.....I also added that maybe I should tell the new squeeze that he was seeing me and calling me the entire 6 weeks. His answer to that was ...no he was not seeing OW. Lies Lies Lies. I told him he believes his own lies ....do not call me ever again.......

#2 Nov 22 - 1PM

Carolyn

Now you feel why NO CONTACT

Now you feel why NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with them. It is always crazy, going around in circles, you versus the other woman who has no idea he is doing this contact stuff with you, it never ends. they are emotional vampires and crazy makers and they take all of your energy and feel nothing for either one of you. Don't be surprised if he doesn't leave evidence about you around and she contacts you. Narcissists love to create drama and conflict. He will tell her you can't leave him alone! One woman I knew sent a messenger to her ex's house, when she knew the OW would be there, the messagener delivered a letter notifying him that the next step, if he continued to contact her, was a restraining order: the girl friend left him that weekend. He had been telling the OW that he couldn't get his ex to stop contacting him and stalking him! One of the good things about NO CONTACT is you crazy-down and get your perspective back. It is like getting over an illness and getting your strength back. then you can plan some new, fun things for yourself. A neighbor told me she just heard from her ex-narcissist spouse and he told her that he finally realized that she doesn't love him anymore. they have been divorced for 15 years and he ruined her life economically with another woman. She was laughing on the phone and just hung-up on him. She is now immune to his crazy behavior. NO CONTACT is like a vaccine for the narcissist flu-you can be exposed but don't get the symptoms or reactions. You don't get confused, hurt, wonder why, suffer, get insomnia, feel badly, etc. you just laugh and hang-up.

#3 Nov 23 - 3AM (Reply to #15)

Marie

Carolyn/Ellen

OMG Carolyn it never ceases to amaze me how so many stories remind me of events in my own situation. Everything you posted is so true. No contact is the most important first step to take. Even if you want to call to tell them off it's pointless. For them it's the supply they need. Even if it's negative they love it. My ex over time has contacted me about the most ridiculous stuff. And I laugh because I now see him for the immature idiot he is. It's all crazy making with them. They will say one thing and do another thing. He began once again trying to get me to meet him for coffee or lunch. I began saying sure why not knowing full well it would never turn into anything. I let him think what he wanted even if it brought him joy thinking I was home pissed off or crying I didn't care. The one time he actually came to my house to apologize missing our date. I acted all confused and said when was that? Told him it was no biggie that I had actually forgotten and went out shopping with a friend, lol. That whole involving the OW thing really hits home. This is obviously another N trait. I guess because it creates drama around them. Nothing like a big ego boost getting two women all jealous with one another. My relationship ended because he kept mentioning this OW. He had been invited to a party at her house one weekend and asked if I thought he could lose 10 pounds by then. He thought it was funny I didn't. Then I started remembering things. We had had a fight and stopped talking to one another. He was visiting a mutual friend's house a few doors down and this woman pulled up. I watched as she hugged and kissed him, it broke my heart that he could be with someone else so soon. I noted her license plate. When he started coming back around I mentioned it to him, he lied and said he didn't know anyone with that color hair. We got back together and I never saw her again. After awhile once again he grew distant. I started thinking about this OW. I remembered a name I had come across on a bud list I had found online. Popped it into mine and there she was every night whenever his name signed on. Nights that I was on chatting with him, we'd be chatting but as soon as her name came on that's when mysteriously he was having all sorts of problems with sending IMs to me. So now I've become obssessive over the OW. I found her Facebook account with her email address and there she was the huggy/kissy woman with the little sports car. It gets better. I find out where OW lives. So out for a morning run decided to swing by my next discovery really hurt me so bad. So I warn anyone about doing detective work what you find might really hurt but it's eye opening. Her house was directly across from the park where I once spent so many afternoons with him. We'd take a picnic lunch to OUR spot he called it, it was more like HIS spot because standing there gave a perfect view of her house! I began breaking contact with him. I never told him of all my findings he'd only deny it anyway saying I was a nut. Yes, maybe I was a little bit nutty in my obssession with OW but I wanted to know the truth. It hurt like hell but I'd rather be me than OW any day. One final thing with OW. Once I started breaking contact with him he would do anything to rile me. It was at this time I started paying more attention to my career. I was temping a little to try and stabilize my horrible financial situation. He asked if I was going in or going to be home. At the time I didn't know he was an N honestly didn't know what an N was until I went for help, so didn't think anything of his question. Do you know that day I don't know what made me look outside but I happened a glance out my window and there she was! Right in front of my house with her little boy looking at my garden. I knew it was done intentionally. I was so angry and hurt but I never mentioned it to him. I'll never give him the satisfaction but he will never have me again and she's welcome to him. Hope she likes a lazy good for nothing porn addict with huge debt, lol. Ellen I know you asked about my story this is some of it. I will post it tomorrow, trying to edit it down so it's not so long. I have never posted it in full but in dribs and drabs. It feels good now to tell it.

#4 Nov 22 - 3AM

Marie

betteroff

Lies and lies and lies that's all they know. Deny is another thing they know well too. They will deny even if caught red handed and try to make it seem like it's your fault, all in your head whatever nonsense they can throw at you. I've been out of my relationship now 1 year and 3 months. This man is dead to me. I stopped making any kind of contact with him ages ago. I never call or email and avoid him as if he were a disease. Yet after all this time he still feels the need to pop over to tell me his latest news or ask favors. He just doesn't get it. He went from dropping me stone cold, to coming back around being Nice Guy to going cold again. I stopped being with him the moment I suspected there was another woman. Of course he denied it but I wasn't about to live in denial. She even called him the one day when he stopped by. He pretended to not recognize her voice. I heard her quite clearly say "It's Michele!" and burst out giggling. From the way she sounded and what she said it was clear she called him frequently. He had for the longest time said they had run into one another somewhere but it was nothing more than friends not seeing one another for a long time. Some stupid bs story. To this day he still denies being in contact with her. Like you I wonder what she'd have to say if I ratted him out. No contact is the best way to go. Don't listen to those lies.

#5 Nov 21 - 8AM

agnesmurphy17

Better Off with NC

He will continue to contact you for as long as you "engsge" him. This is what he feeds off of--this emotional engagement. The content of the conversation is not relevant. He does not care about you or your feelings. For him, you are like the unseen teacher in a Charlie Brown script--blah, blah, blah. All that matters is his response to him & that's all he hears. He's in a dialogue with himself--you're just a prop like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon. He's never gonna change. He doesn't care that you're not with him for the last six weeks. All he wants is your submission to his will & desires. Mine made such a drama that his heart was broken when I left him. Got so much mileage out of that. Teaches 1/2 time for full time pay! His chairman was so touched by the extent of the man's grief. It was as if his wife had died in a tragic accident (& not left him for being abusive)! Within 5 months of my leaving, he was lving with another woman. And, while he's living with her (kept this a secret from me, but I knew)--he calls me to ask me to try & reconcile. I say, "WHat? You want me to come home tonight for us to start all over?" Him, "Uh. No. Why do you ask?" Then he changes the subject & goes off into whatever--all about him. It's all a game. Why call him on it? Really, any man with such a broken heart would have said, "Yes! Come home! What time will you be here?" Why call him on it? He doen't care. Calling him on it actually really gets him off because he knows that he has inflicted pain--which is the point of his interactions with me--to feed off my pain. (I have practiced NC rigoriously but sometimes at work, I answer the phone & it's N. So I listen a little because if I don't it enrages him & for every time I enrage him it costs me more in the divorce.) Lies? Who cares? These are pretend men. Every word, thought & deed is a fantasy. There is nothing real. There was nothing real in that relationship you thought you had with him. Truth & deceit are not concepts for these guys. If they say it--it's reality. It's as simple as that. Stop trying to make sense. It's all very simple. It's about domination & submission. His domination & your submission to his control. Get away as fast as you can & cut your losses.

#6 Nov 21 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

betteroff

called him on his lies

I am sorry but i have a duplicate user name---I am new to this site. I feel absoluteley terrible for everyone on this site. I am in a better position than most ...in that I was not married and had no children with the narc....and was smarter than him to keep my finances separate. The first D&D by him he stuck me with a lot of his bills....not this time.. However I am not allowed in his house to get what is left of my things. Gee... go figure!!!!! I truly appreciate all of the support everyone has to offer.. If not for this site I do not think I would have come this far. 6 weeks and still hurting but surviving... The NO CONTACT is a must..A great big THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! We will make it!!!!

#7 Nov 20 - 9PM

GetOverItAlready (not verified)

The N enjoys telling lies

Not only does the N love to tell lies, it is all part of their crazy-making behavior they love to see in the victim. LA

#8 Nov 20 - 8PM

grossot

4joys

True that! Betteroff- No contact! That means no discusion. And I'm pretty sure that discludes sex! Wth? I thought you had been on here a long time. You're 6 weeks out? I'm going to have to go back and see if you have your story on here. I know how hard it is tho- you didn't realize his pathology you thought he wanted you for you. You deserve someone who can ACTUALLY do that. Its not you - he's the problem. You will train him if you cut all ties!!! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#9 Nov 20 - 3PM

Barbara (not verified)

umm......

NO CONTACT. You WERE the whore. Now it's her. BLOCK HIM FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#10 Nov 21 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

betteroff

Thank you Barbara ..you are

Thank you Barbara ..you are right on!!!!

#11 Nov 20 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

4joys4

Unfortunately, calling them

Unfortunately, calling them on their lies doesn't have any effect.They already know they are lying. They dont care.

#12 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

fairy wings

very true

It took me ages to realise this. It was his ex wife who said to me one day (after she and I had compared our stories), 'the reason we tried to reason with him is because we are thoroughly decent people'. I guess that is it. I thought if I told him how his behaviour made me feel he would want to change it, so as not to hurt me. From my perspective that was perfectly reasonable, it was what I would do and what I believed couples did. I thought I could talk to him openly and honestly, of course I couldn't!! It was all about him point scoring: lying to me was one point, having me stress over the fact he had lied gave him bonus points! Talking to his ex wife and having us both spend our time talking and stressing about him, must have been heaven. I guess if you put yourself in his shoes, if you had a small ego this type of behaviour would definitely massage it!

#13 Nov 21 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

betteroff

4joys4

You are absolutely correct....thank god however that we realize they are lying!!!!

#14 Nov 21 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

betteroff

4joys4

You are absolutely correct....thank god however that we realize they are lying!!!!

#15 Nov 23 - 4AM (Reply to #4)

Sinead

It's definitely correct

Calling them on their lies never works, I did so many times, I even networked his PC to mine and watched him chat up up to 11 women online at once, which he viciously denied, I had to prove everything in black and white to him and then he turned it to it was all my fault and he never said it hadn't happened, I was making it up, he never lies blah blah blah. He was constantly calling me a liar! And you know what happened when I called him on the lies? He demanded to know how I knew, I didn't tell him how, only that the history of his PC told me, from then on he deleted the history and flatly denied anything, they never become normal, once they find out how you know they learn to cover their tracks better, the same with therapy, they just learn how to hide it all from the outside, they learn how to better manipulate you and torture you. When my ExP left he spent several weeks contacting me (he had a RO on him), I didn't report it as I just wanted to find out why he was as he was, what was going through his head, I wanted him to know/feel how much he'd hurt me, I never knew this was what he was feeding on, he used to come into the house from the back at night to "collect his stuff" regularly. I always ended up more broken and with more questions than I started with and more confusion and hurt. It is not worth it, even now, nearly 6 months on I occasionally say "but why?" even now I just can't fathom alien beings like this with no feelings and the need to hurt so much, I could never hurt anyone intentionally like that. I have done a lot of studying, I already have a bit of a medical background and studied psychology, yet I got duped and never knew anything about this breed of creatures, I know they exist, I have even spotted other Ns and one other P, including my own father! I can also spot those who most definitely are not pathologicals, some people I'm unsure of but I have studied so much I cannot possibly deny their existence and their vampire likeness yet I am a normal human being and like you it is still difficult to accept and still natural to question and want to call them on their lies and behaviour, but believe me, it is not worth it, there are some things in life that you just have to accept without fully comprehending, this is one of them, these pathologicals are out to hurt as much as they can, the more you call them on it the more they learn to cover their tracks and hurt you even more. Don't do it, force yourself to go NC, it's the only way forward, occupy yourself as much as you can to get him out of your head, do anything to keep you away.

#16 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

fairy wings

Sinead

Like you I have done a lot of studying in similar areas, even trained as a counseller which was why at the time my friends were shocked it happened to me. I did not know people like this existed. I don't think a lot of professional therapists know either! In the University where I work as a welfare officer the counsellors refer students to me if they mention Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse because they trust I have more knowledge of this topic than them! Informing people has become my passion. Thank you for reminding me that when you're on to something they change their methods. I used to imagine my partner as a vampire, ducting and diving and weaving in and out of everywhere. I could never get any 'ground'. He deflected everything, in the end I got to the point where I knew if I said this, he'd come back with 'that'. In the end silence was the better course and eventually no contact at all!

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews