It's been two full months now that I have stopped all contact with you. Not that you would ever care how you have made me feel and the endless amounts of tears I've cried or sleepless nights I've endured, trips to urgent care because of anxiety attacks that have ultimately landed me on antidepressants (thanks for that by the way) but I guess I get to pretend that you care while I write this good bye letter to you. I think it's okay to pretend. You've been doing it for so long that I thought maybe I should try it myself.
What I want to tell you here is that you are the nastiest, dirtiest and fakest person I have ever known. How dare you? How dare you play with my emotions the way you did? How dare you to come back all those times when I was trying to be strong only to say the right things that would touch my heart only for SEX???? I hate you. I can't wait until the day that I am indifferent to you and your actions. Because hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. And I feel incredibly sorry for your next victim. I feel incredibly sorry that you can't feel anything. Because I may love deep and true and I may get hurt and maybe everyone I meet won't always like me, but at least I'm REAL. I'm human. I have thoughts, feelings and emotions. I'm starting to become okay with that again.
I loved you so much. I tried so hard and maybe the hardest thing to admit is that I failed. But there's nothing left of me to give at this point. At first you just "didn't want a relationship". So I backed off. Then, when I backed off, of course you came running into my bed only to disappear for a couple weeks. Then, I was texting you too much. WHAT in the world was WRONG with me that I wanted to be in contact with you? My God, I am so sorry Dave. I am so sorry that a text message from me is just too much for you. So I backed off there too, and let you be the one to initiate contact. I was so scared that if I said or did the wrong thing you would just go MIA again. So I compromised what I knew was best for me, just to keep you in my life. We actually got along really well when you didn't have to actually commit to anything. And it's that what I miss. I miss telling you about what's going on with me and funny stories that I know you would laugh at. I've missed it all. When the fact that you just don't care if I'm in your life at all started to sink in I had no choice to finally let my heart break.
The whole reason I let you keep coming back and screwing me over is because I didn't want to have to deal with what I'm dealing with right now. But all I did was prolong the pain.
I remember when I first got involved with you. My grandfather was dying and I was craving someone to be there. I was asking for a distraction. And you took me up on that. Over time, you discovered my weak points and hooked me in only to satisfy your physical needs. I take my responsibility here. Yes, I should have known better, but at the same time, it's not normal that you could have used me for 3 years and not be concerned with my well being. It's what hurts the most: you don't care. You never did and never will.
Your lies make me sick. I used to look at you and just think to myself that still waters run deep. I thought that somewhere inside you HAD to care about me. I really believed that one day you would come around. But when stories started to surface and your booty calls got old I had no choice but to start to wake up to the truth.
You told me that you wanted me and you told me that you are just not good at relationships. You told me you knew how screwed up you were. When we were having sex, the passion you showed me spoke for the things that were never said. I really believed that we had something special. I really believed that deep down inside you loved me, but just didn't know how to love me. So you kept coming back. You played games with my head to make me jealous so that you would get your ego stroked.
Wrong I was. It was only sex for you. You're shallow and you're a coward. To have the ability to look into my eyes and lie to me for so long is beyond me. I'm not sure how you get through your days. I guess that's why all you do is get drunk all the time and watch sports. You can't deal with life, you can't deal with emotion, you just can't deal with anything.
It's easy for you to do me and leave. It's easy for you to get drunk and trash me behind my back to your buddies so that I look like the crazy one. It's easier for you isn't it? That way you don't have to deal with life. You don't have to deal with emotion. No love OR pain for you right?
Someday soon I will be completely moved on and someday soon you will not cross my mind every hour. Someday soon I will stop trying so hard to please you. To "do as I'm told or else". Someday soon I will just not care about you and the pain you have caused will not be something to focus on that will drain me. I will be focusing on ME instead. My happiness, my truth. And I will always be happier than you, antidepressants or not. I will always be happier than you.