BumbleBee's Story

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#1 Oct 23 - 5PM
bumblebee
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BumbleBee's Story

I was with my ex-N for about a year and a half. We met at a bar after a wine expo downtown. I was chatting with a friend of mine when I remember seeing him literally leading a pack (probably 6 or 7) guys into the bar. He walked right up to my friend and me to strike up a conversation. We talked for awhile until we got hungry. Then he got the waitress/hostess to set up a table right in the middle of the bar area for my friend, his friend, him and me to sit at for dinner.

Dinner was a lot of fun – he seemed very interested in me. Then, I was telling everyone at the table how I was taking salsa lessons and they didn’t believe me…I said, I’ll show you. Got up and reached my hand out to his friend – who had been egging me on about it – to show that I knew the steps. In hindsight, this should have been red flag #1. After dinner, I went to the bathroom, came back and he was gone. I was so confused. Later, he asked me, “Why did you ask Paul [his friend] to dance and not me?”

We ended up getting together anyway…going out, typically on Fridays when we both got back from traveling. Dinners were always at nice places. I learned he was a real estate investment banker…. And that he was significantly older than me (although he lied to me at first about his age – red flag #2 – at the time, I was already in love and in my naivety, I forgave him). He spoke often about stories from his childhood and asked me about mine – he seemed to hold the same core values that I did and I really trusted him. I remember a number of times people would comment about how good we looked together – including a couple of people just passing us on the street. When he took me out for my birthday, I will never forget the look on his face when he saw me. He did a triple take. The entire night, he carried himself with this air…like he was so proud to have me by his side. I have to admit, it felt really good. It almost always felt good to be with him.

For all the good, of course there was the bad…we did not talk or text every day. He would cancel at the last minute or show up hour(s) late – 99% of the time. Over time, I became anxious all day before we had plans in advance because I was so excited to see him and I didn’t actually know if he was going to show up. I learned it was better to just see him when he was ready, no planning, and to rework my schedule at the last minute so I could. My anxiety became pervasive – not until recently did I calm down enough to realize, I have been living my life at a heightened level of anxiety and quite frankly, fear. While with him, I started to grind my teeth at night too.

I did my best to hold my boundaries of what was respectful behavior in terms of treating me, but I lost the energy over time. If I held my line, he would get angry and shut down. He would shut off his phone so I couldn’t call him. Or he would just ignore my messages or texts until he knew I wasn’t angry anymore. It takes a lot of energy to be angry and I could never hold it that long (never more than a 3-4 days). It’s funny; I was bewildered by the fact that he always seemed to know exactly when I had given up my end of the fight. And as much as I knew I shouldn’t let him continue to do this to me, he always said the *exact* things that I needed to hear to give him one more chance.

With him, I experienced pure rage for the first time in my life. It was awful. He sucked the energy out of me and I knew very much consciously that he was keeping me down – that I had so much more to offer, but never did or let myself because everything was about him and making sure I was there when he wanted me to be and looked good for him on a moment’s notice. He was incredibly manipulative although, I’m only noticing it now, slowly but surely. It’s painful to think about and I feel foolish.

Interestingly, I think I always knew it on some level – yet, I managed to pull the wool over my own eyes to stay with him – I’m still not sure HOW I managed to do that for so long, and quite frankly, still continue to flirt with doing it now (although I’m trying not to). Our first date was on April Fool’s Day – and often I would look back and think, “that’s a sign…” Within two months of dating him, I had a dream (the only dream I ever had of him) where he was just standing there, naked, staring at himself in the full length mirror in his condo with this smug, very pleased look on his face. When I met a friend of his, I asked him what I should know about my ex-N and his friend said, “He has demons.” HOW DID I IGNORE THAT ONE?!? I continue to think about it – and wonder, what could his friend have said that would have gotten me to walk away??? Unfortunately, I think I would have ignored anything then…

In the end, I found and read through his whole phone with texts from an ex-girlfriend he has been seeing off and on along with pictures and texts from a whole host of other girls too! When I was done, I simply put the phone away and went back to bed. In the morning, we had the best sex I’ve ever had, for hours… After that, I promptly went home and made an appointment to see a therapist, because well, even I know that’s NOT an okay reaction to the evidence I found.

I spent the next days and weeks – in shock, denial, sadness, angry…but I only told him I knew about some of it, specifically, the ex-girlfriend. He said he wanted to talk again, and for two weeks I heard this. He voluntarily admitted to girls sending him pictures and he said he liked the attention that he got from girls texting him. I also found out he still kept some stuff and used as his billing address is ex-fiancée’s of 8 years ago – I don’t know how involved they are, but there is clearly still a connection. Finally, I was out with girl friends, it was 1am and decided it was time to talk. His light was on, so I rang the doorbell. He let me in. We talked – being drunk I don’t remember what we talked about, but I did fall asleep crying. In the morning, I was putting on my shoes to go when I saw a black thong on the floor. I threw it at him and he said, “Other people have lived in this apartment before me; it must have fallen out; it must have come from under the bed.” The excuses wouldn’t stop. Finally, he said, “Look… I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” I asked him if that is what he wanted. He replied, “No, but you’re in therapy, you’re crying, and I just think there is too much damage to fix it.” Not – I’m a lying, cheating, SOB…but it’s MY fault, because I’M in therapy – blows me away, still. I hit him a bunch of times with my purse and walked out. He called to see if I got in the cab, I apologized for hitting him, and he said that he probably deserved it.

A couple of quotes that he said that I found interesting:

“I could never have a threesome because sometimes the two girls’ attention is on each other and I need all the attention for myself.”

In response to my question of why are you with me, “Because you make me look good.”

“I want you to tell me what you like [in bed]… that’s how I’ll keep you.” [In hindsight, super creepy.]

Oct 23 - 6PM
bumblebee
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Thanks

Thanks for reading Ruby and for reinforcing the NC message - it's so hard at first!
Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
ruby01 (not verified)
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bumblebee

That it is, so be prepared for a challenge.
Oct 23 - 6PM
ruby01 (not verified)
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bumblebee

I'm so sorry to see all the crap this man put you through and how, just like they all do, he made you doubt yourself. It's all him. He is the disordered one and you are just a kind a loving person that got duped by a POS. Don't feel ashamed that you did because they can even fool professionals in the field of Psychology. Needless to say the more you read the more ah ha moments you will experience because they all seem to follow the same manual for destruction of fellow human beings. Stay strong in no contact and you will be able to process it all and slowly (unfortunately) come out stronger than you probably can imagine at this point in time. Just believe that NC is the only way out. XXX, Ruby