Bullock!!!!

So, I cant sleep, Flashbacks have taken over again, not really working just sitting here, trying to figure out how I am going to get groceries tonight, I need food, dog food, diapers, but the checkbook doesnt magically give me money right?? So more groceries on the ccard, and what do my parents do...come to my work just to tell me B has hired someone to add on a room to the barn at OUR house that the kids and I were kicked out of! My friend comes by to tell me that she saw the OW and she has already deleted her facebook account and quit a group of friends bunko night. ANd I feel bad for the OW cuz I know what she is headed into,and I wonder why I am not good enough for him, why couldnt I get it right so he would have stopped hurting me? And why do I feel guilty for asking for child support? Why are the flashbacks worse? My therapist says the fear I am having over court is taking over my mind. Well isnt that just wonderful, Is there anything else f'd up that would like to take over my mind??? As if my I am not jacked up enough, do I really need the flashbacks to come on so hard again, I thought i actually was controlling them, but nope.. just one of those stupid moments where I thought I might actually be getting to set cruse control on this path, just for a minute, you know, just a second even. I just need a break, I just need rest, I need rest from my head, my heart, my hurt. I just want to press pause for a little while. Why and how can he be so together, moved on with another woman, adding on to the house, living "our dream" and then there is me.. But wait, there was no dream right? That was all a lie, just like everything else, I just wish my truth was a lie, I wish my scars were a lie, I wish my parts were a lie, I wish my pain was a lie, I would love to be a lie right now.

Sorry just venting,headed into another long weekend scared and lonely. And my kiddos miss Daddy. Bullock!!!!